I leave you with the video for L.e Ti.gre so you can see if it works for you and the soup recipe which is perfect for these cool days.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
I leave you with the video for L.e Ti.gre so you can see if it works for you and the soup recipe which is perfect for these cool days.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
- I'll live to 85-86 years (We have good long-life genes on my dad's side and I am super healthy, so I think this is plausible. Need to save more money for retirement)
- I've never had any sickness or health issues (very true)
- I currently have pain in my back and stomach--probably from stress (true-I've had so much lower back pain lately, I often lie in bed with a heating pad at night before falling asleep. My stomach has been experiencing some weird cramps that I am hoping are due to Blast)
- The past 3 months have been really hard for me (do ya think? Miscarriage, IVF cycle cancelled...yeah. On the other hand, I got married again and had an amazing vacation...)
- August in particular was a very bad month for you (I think I started to sweat when she said this)
- No one has been there for you and you've learned this the hard way (My entire life, yes. In fact my therapist was just discussing this last night)
- August you were depressed (no, then yes, then no, then yes again)
- You have a strong personality (reallllly???) strong opinions (mmm hmmm)
- Lawyer--why am I not a lawyer? (so many ppl have told me I would've been a great lawyer)
- You have a strong tongue. When people ask you for advice they really mean it because they know you will tell them (For better or worse. Don't ask me if your ass looks fat in those jeans if you really don't want to know. My friends always say they come to me when they really want to know the truth)
- I've been worried about money, but I need to give myself a break because I am financially OK (yes, well, except the possibility of multiple IVF's or that we just nationalized our banks and could be facing a depression, I don't think I've been that worried--but she's right, we are totally OK)
- In about 3 weeks I should have some relief about thinking about money (right about the time our bonus checks are supposed to be handed out...)
- I am not a miserable person nor a bitter person (yeehaw!)
- There is travel in my future (isn't there always?), but she sees it in late December (well, I hardly call going to the Catskills for Xmas 'travel', but I think this one is easy to 'predict' as a lot of people do travel at this time. K--do you have a surprise vacation planned for me? Somewhere WARM maybe? I hate winter.)
- I have a lot of good opportunities coming up work-wise in the next 4 months. Lots of responsibilities and challenges (OK, cuz right now my work is just fine, but it's a stretch to call it good or challenging. On the other hard, I was just looking at job listings yesterday...for the first time in a year)
- I've haven't been getting enough sleep and am feeling tired (true)
- Even on the nights that I get 8 hours I am feeling exhausted (true)
- When my body sleeps, my mind wanders excessively and keeps me distracted (um, yeah, have you read about some of my crazy dreams?)
- I need to take warm baths and relax, try not to let the stress get to me (I love baths!)
- Usually I am a very social person, but lately I've found myself alone alot and I don't like it (true. K, please come home soon.)
- Someone named Debbie is very close to me, hovering around me all the time, her energy in the room now (my cousin Debra died of breast cancer at 34 and I had a breast exam 2 weeks ago. She has been on my mind on and off, but I don't think about her that much. Very weird. I don't know any other Debbie's....)
- My mother's health is fine (true)
- I'm a hardworking girl but I need to take it easier on myself (I have crazy high expectations, true)
- She came back to finances again saying they looked very good for the future, I would always be taken care of (wow, that's quite a change from my past--good to know)
- I would be moving in 3 years and would be buying a place (quite possible)
- November my energy wheel is turning in a great direction (why not?)
- Tuesdays are the best days for me to make decisions (I do go to therapy on Tuesdays....)
- 996 is my lucky number
- There's a court date in my future but everything will turn out just fine (adoption???)
- There was a man in my life long ago. I was in love with him and there was a lot of drama regarding this relationship (yes, yes and yes. I broke up our engagement b/c I was in love with a woman)
- She 'sees' 2 kids in my future--2 boys. No girls. (Note: she did not say I would be pregnant, she said she saw children in my future)
- My appetite has not been as usual and I need to make sure I am eating more (all true)
- I have very high intuition and some psychic abilities (agreed)
- I was supposed to get pregnant at age 23. Is it possible I could've had a miscarriage? (I don't think I had sex with men that year...so no)
- I was supposed to meet a man this year...dark hair, light eyes, works in real estate (I don't think so...)
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
"The only way to attract what you desire in life is to allow yourself to understand what it would feel like to have what you want. Allow yourself to believe that you will have it, that you deserve it. Remember, whatever you focus on will manifest into your conscious.
The secret of attracting abundance and prosperity in your life is simple. Do not focus on what you don't have. Focus on what you want.
Refuse all negative thoughts. When a negative thought comes into your life. Tell yourself with strength: Stop! Immediately, turn that thought into positive ones. (Goodness, beauty, love, gratitude, happiness).
Affirmations should always be said with confidence, determination and as if they have already happened. Try writing your "intentions", (i.e. affirmations) down on note cards. Place them in convenient locations where you can see them throughout the day. Saying them out loud in front of a mirror supposedly super charges the affirmation.
Affirmations can change a person's perceptions of themselves. They can, ultimately, modify the way the subconscious works. Therefore, it is imperative to be "conscious of your thoughts" at all times. Because, your thoughts will and do become your reality."
- There is nothing in the world that I cannot handle.
- All things come to me for a purpose.
- My body is a magnet.
- Only goodness is attracted to me.
- I am warm, soft and fertile.
- I am loving and kind.
- My body is in perfect balance.
- I am in perfect health.
- I am calm.
- Right here, right now is exactly as it is meant to be.
- There is nothing in the world that I cannot do.
- I deserve everything that I need.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
Dear Anonymous Sperm Donor,
We’re over. I’ve had enough. I stayed with you for the money—all those services paid in advance. But now all bets are off.
There’s too much riding on this decision and I’ve decided I need a new boyfriend.
It’s true, I thought you and I might work this out. But then I found out about that other girl—you know, the one you knocked up last May? Yeah, her outcome ended up the same as mine. And now neither of us are pregnant. And well…I’m thinking it might be you.
So this is it. I’m taking your empty vials out of my spirit house.
PS - I never really loved you. Did you know that?
Thursday, October 9, 2008
This was not the good conversation I wanted, but it was the one I feared after finding out I only had 4 follicles this morning. They are NOT all the same size. They range from 6-12, so that is super sucky indeed as they should all be trucking along at the same rate.
Turns out I'm a pretty poor responder to Follistim--even though I'm injecting the MAXIMUM amount.
I had an excellent response to Clomid and produced the same amount of follicles.
(is this the part where I'm supposed to remember that while I was in Bali I thought I should do another round of Clomid?)
I'm so tense right now and I sort of want to cry, but mostly I just feel deflated.
This may not be an IVF cycle. If he doesn't see much improvement in the next couple of days--we'll call it an IUI cycle.
I guess that's good news--it's not all lost.
We've only got one vial of sperm on ice at the RE's--I knew I should've ordered two. Now, I think I probably should another one just to be covered in case it's converted to an IUI cycle and we want to do 2 inseminations.
I haven't done shit at work today b/c I've been all over the internet looking at where other 39-year-old's are at this stage of the game--none of it has made me feel any better b/c everyone else seems to respond just wonderfully to Follistim. A wonder drug it is! Hahaha!
Dr. VID said I could try another IVF cycle if this one doesn't work, but agreed we'd be better off using K's eggs. Hers give me a 66% chance of success.
Jesus Fucking Christ. Seriously? Seriously?! This is what we were considering last January when this all began and now it's been 10 months and we're back to where we started.
Fuck Fuck Fuck.
OK, I'm done cursing now. Until the next post. Fuck.
Today, I had both blood and U/S.
Here's where I am in Pufferfish IVF land:
Saturday Day 1- 450 mg Follistim (pm)
E2=37 no cysts found
Sunday Day 2- 225 Follistim (am), 225 Follistim (pm)
Monday Day 3- 225 Follistim (am), 225 Follistim (pm)
Tuesday Day 4- 225 Follstim (am), 225 Follistim (pm)
Wednesday Day 5- 450 Follistim (pm)
E2=143 (over 100 at this point is good)
Thursday Day 6- 450 Follistim (pm)
E2= 184 (slow rise, but they don't seem concerned because it's rising...)
Lining=6 (anything 6 or above is right on target for this point)
Follicles= 2 on each side, all measuring about 8-9
That's a F*ckload of Follistim isn't it? That's what happens when you're 39! I really would've liked to have seen more follicles this morning, I admit I was a little sad only seeing 4.
But, it's still early. I've got a week left to keep up the stims and see what happens.
Next blood and ultrasound will be Saturday morning.
As far as my question per "exercise and your IVF cycle"? Well, I did some of my own research and everything says to take it easy, walking is good, etc.
I've been walking as normal--although a bit slower. The past two mornings I've decided to really take it easy by riding the bus up to the clinic.
This morning as I was walking from the clinic to my office, I noticed for the first time that I'm getting a little bloated. As in, it's not quite uncomfortable to walk, but it doesn't feel normal.
I sit here with skinny jeans unbuttoned wondering what the hell I will be wearing next week?
I'm not going to worry about it too much. In fact, if my pants don't fit for...oh, I don't know 9+ months...I'd be OK with that.
For the most part, I'm just chillin' and relaxing. I go home and cook, read, meditate, pray, snuggle with the cats and go to bed. It's not too exciting and I like it.
It's kind of hard to believe I could be doing egg retrieval in a week.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
K, myself and a few friends went to the Madon.na concert Monday night and she blew me away with yet another incredible performance for "Hard C.andy".
It's hard to believe that she's been around 3 decades and is 50 years old. You'd never know it from where I was dancing.
I still remember hearing my first Ma.donna song. I was a freshman in high school and it was outside the home ec classroom in the hallway after school. Someone was playing music in that room and "Luck.y Star" stopped me dead in my tracks as I thought "what is THAT?!"
Instantly smitten for life.
In 1990, I had the good fortune to know someone with mad concert connections who got me front row seats to both of the shows for the "Blond A.mbition" tour.
Now, nothing is ever going to compare to that show because (a) it was front row for both concerts and I'm pretty sure Madonna sweat on me (b) it was the height of everyone 'Vogueing' on the dance floor every single night (c) I worked (illegally as I was underage) in the city's most popular gay bar and I was ON the dance floor every damn night grooving to the music hey hey hey! (d) ecs.tacy was pure.
Need I say more? They were good times.
Fast forward to 18 years and here I am again--in awe of M (and her body).
I think I'll go look for the DVD of "Blond Ambition" and order it. I need something to look forward to after egg retrieval!
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
She pulled out. I didn't say so. Maybe my hand got in the way when I looked down, who knows.
But as a result I got stabbed twice. Poor thing, she had per.formance anxiety.
This morning, my love is on a jet plane and I'm back to injecting myself. I think I like it better this way (no offense baby) but at least I know I'm not going to pull out.
It's just that she hates to hurt me...she really, really, hates those needles. And I hate being poked more than necessary. So there you have it.
Tomorrow I go in for blood work and my first ultrasound to see how jacked up my follicles are. I can't wait!!!
Monday, October 6, 2008
Sunday, October 5, 2008
We headed to Grand Central after that to catch the train upstate, cooler with meds in hand along with a yummy apple bread pudding I made to celebrate K's belated 31st birthday.
Her mom, step dad and cousin picked us up and we spent the rest of the day in the Mohonk Preserve on a 6 mile hike. The weather was perfect, the leaves just starting to change and it was wonderful to out in the fresh air surrounded by family who love and support us.
I know that for the majority of this month, I'm going to have to 'take it easy' but I'm not really sure what that means for these days before retrieval. Over the last month, I've really loved having the freedom to workout and do whatever I want and not worry about 'harming' anything. As a result, I've lost the few stubborn TTC pounds I'd gained over the summer and am glad that I'm starting the IVF cycle at my real weight.
I feel very empowered and satisfied to have my 'body' as I know it back to me.
So, I'm a little nervous about 'taking it easy'. I'd like to hear from others who have gone down this path and what you limited your activites to both pre-retrievel and post tranfer. I've basically been told 'walking is OK'. Hmm...I already walk to work every day making for an hour total. Is that much walking OK? No one seems to know...I guess there are no true answers.
The first injection was a bit excruiating in that we were trying to watch the video online and the internet up here in the boonies is so freaking slow that the video that should've taken about 5 minutes ended up taking 30. I just wanted to get it over with! After a 2 false stabs, I finally did it. It doesn't hurt--it's just that willingly getting your hand to do something painful to your stomach is hard!
K took a stab at it this morning and I like that much better. So, I think I'll have her do it when she's home and I'll do it when she's gone M-TH. Overall though, so far, so good. Super easy that Follisti.m pen.
Thanks so much for all of your kind words and encouraging words of hope, they really mean a lot to me!
Friday, October 3, 2008
The Follisti.m pen.
That’s right, I’m starting IVF.
Less than 24 hours after I came back from
When I found out about the miscarriage in August, I called to get on their schedule as I really didn’t want to waste any more time.
My RE assured me that with my early miscarriage I’m 100% good to go as long as I’m mentally and emotionally ready to go.
I’ve never felt so ready.
There was a moment in
Why not a few more IUI’s?
So I walked into the IVF orientation thinking “I’m just here to get some information”.
Then I opened up my folder and saw my RE had already written out all of my RX’s, they handed me a free Follisti.m pen (no meds inside), and away we went.
When I got to the stats page…well, my mind was already made up. I was here for the long haul now. IVF take me away.
The Iffy News:
Maybe I could get pregnant again through IUI. Maybe. But I’m no spring chicken (remember, I’m 39) and those stats are dismal. I’m incredibly lucky it worked even once. I’m wasting my time and insurance money to expect it to work again. I’d like to think I’ve paid my dues in miscarriage land, but those stats are dismal too. I’d love to see that I have at least a 50% chance at having a real, live baby with IVF—but I only have a 33% chance of doing that (and that's transferring back 2-3 good blastocysts).
The Good News:
33% sure as hell beats the IUI/Clomid stats of 5-10%.
We have enough insurance left to cover two full IVF cycles (without meds).
My RE says that I’m a perfect candidate for this to work.
The Best News:
This week has been spent running around
Some really wonderful people have stepped forward to donate their leftover medications to me for this first cycle. I’ve received meds that aren't covered by my insurance co-payment--for free.
This has been a huge stress relief as the meds are almost as much as the cycle itself.
I am still overwhelmed at the kindness and generosity of these friends—two of the couples I met online (not in blogland) and have only met in person a handful of times.
It really does take a village to make a baby!
The Guilty News:
I think I’ve been holding this news back because I feel guilty. What I mean is: this is an easy decision for me because I have the insurance money to pay for it.
I’m well aware that most of you out there don’t have this luxury and it’s so unfair.
Please don’t hate me for it.
Why Am I Finally Telling You This?
Because I just started my period.
IVF starts tomorrow.
I’m on a ‘no Lupron’ cycle which means I start stimming tomorrow, I’ll do retrieval in two weeks.
By Halloween we’ll know if I’m pregnant or not.
Damn that’s FAST.
I am so, so, so excited to finally be doing this.