Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
In less than 37 hours (at, cough, 6am) I'll be on a plane to Baja California. In 40 hours K will be on a different plane. Then we will meet again. You see, we found an (almost) free vacation! I had enough miles in my Delta account for a free flight and she had enough miles in her Continental account. So, we can't fly together, but we land within an hour of each other (she got a later, direct flight, lucky her) and then we'll go spend a week at our free resort on the beach (compliments of K's hotel points).
Also, with K's oh-la-la elite hotel status, we've been upgraded to the club level which means free buffet breakfast every morning and free happy hour and appetizers from 5-7pm everyday. So, with our Christmas money ($900) we've rented a car for the week, decided to go diving a couple of times, do some kayaking and snorkeling in the Sea of Cortez and we'll take a boat out to go whale watching as it's the perfect season for the migration.
It would be great if we don't spend any of our 'own' money, but the food is really expensive in Cabo and we may want to splurge on a few meals, though I'm fine siting on a beach eating tacos til the end of time.
I'll only have to use three vacation days and it will be incredible to spend a week in the sun pretending that I'm not looking IVF straight on. We both wish our bodies were a bit more bikini ready, but it is what it is. Must remember to get bikini wax during lunch hour tomorrow or else we are going to have a SITC 'situation'!
Packing up tonight...cat sitter is staying at our house for the week..life is good.
My wife leaves me every week, but the payoff is good. We'll be in Mexico by early afternoon Wednesday and plan to spend the day on the beach and the evening dancing in the New Year!
- Cancun--free flights with miles and free hotel, but...I hate Cancun. I love going further south, but Starwood has no properties outside of Cancun. Plus, I've been to the Yucatan 4 times already.
- St. Maarten/St. Martin--flights are super cheap right now $238 RT and K had a week's worth of hotel points. BUT no club floor at the hotel and everything is in Euro's = tres expensive.
- Aruba--flights are also $238 and we could have a free hotel for a week, but...it's Aruba. There are beautiful beaches, yeah, but there are all those casinos. I'm not a gambler.
- Skiing Out West--again amazing airfares, but my ski bum knee hasn't been properly conditioned and I've slacked off my PT exercises. I'm afraid if I pushed it I'd be hobbling around again. Plus, K needs new ski equipment and we would've only had 1 day to get everything. Lastly, trying to talk me into a cold weather vacation while I'm freezing at my mother-in-law's is not a good idea.
I forgot just how damn cold my MIL's house is. She's like a popsicle, that one. I do love sitting in the living room with the fire going and everyone hanging out. Except this year. The wood got wet and all we got was a lousy DuraFlame which doesn't give out any damn heat. Did you know that?? I did not. And so, there was nowhere to go in the house except upstairs to our bedroom where we control the heat. Needless to say, I spent many hours under the covers sleeping, reading and spooning in order to stay alive. I'm sure I was tagged the anti-social daughter-in-law.
We got home on Saturday night and it is SO nice to be home again. Four days with family is really about 2 days too long for me. K's family is great, but if the weather is not cooperative (icy and/or rainy) there's nothing to do. I mean nothing. It starts to get a little Shining-like. Games are all fine and dandy but not if you're going to freeze to death playing them. I was beyond bored and so ready to go home by Christmas night.
I forgot to mention that I spoke to my mom on Christmas morning while I was crying in bed. One thing this past year has taught me is that my mom--despite the mother she was (or wasn't) while I was growing up--has changed. She will never be the mother I wish for, but she's doing a damn good job being there for me with this TTC journey.
At times like this, a mother's support is priceless. K's family is very supportive, but they are mostly happy alcoholic ostriches. They will hug you, but they don't want to talk about 'it' or hear about 'it' because then they have to confront that everything is not OK. I liken them to having their heads in the sand like an ostrich and when forced to face reality (you know, like, everyday) the solution is to drink! Which is why there is a strict starting time of a 5pm cocktail hour in their household.
So while I 'feel' their support around us, it's not like my mother who wants to know how I am and what's next and she's so sorry and how much she's praying for us. Just knowing that someone is not afraid to talk about 'it' means so much.
This TTC journey has taken so long that I think K's family has no idea what to say. I never dreamed I'd have a child by Christmas, but I thought I'd at least be pregnant. Hey, I know how old I am and I thought I was aiming realistically! Christmas was hard. Much harder than I ever thought it would be.
My clinic was closed over the holidays so there was no way to come in for Day 3 bloodwork. That's OK, it's too late for me to do an IVF cycle for Januaray anyway as they are solidly booked. AF was not herself (again) this month. She came a day late, but her visit was clotting and crampy and only lasted 2 days. This is not usual for me.
I can't believe I'm taking another break, but here we are: one month on, one month off since August.
It's good for my body to take a breather and clear out some of the drugs before we start pumping me full up again but damn I feel like I'm running out of time.
The miscarriage, combined with a failed/poor responder IVF cycle immediately following, has left me in a low-hope stage.
I had remained incredibly hopeful up until October. This past year has been difficult, but not nearly as hard as it could be. I have never been without hope that I can do this.
When I failed to respond to the IVF drugs, it hit me that IVF isn't the magic bullet. Yes, I have options and I am so damn lucky to have them, but none of the options will guarantee me a real live baby.
When I realized this is when I started losing hope. So I'm going into this next cycle trying my best to keep my head up and find that hope again.
This baby, in whatever form it takes, will come when it is ready to be here with us.
I just have to accept this and let it go.
I find this is much easier to do on a beach.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
No, AF hasn't arrived and my temp hasn't dropped, but we did end up buying tests on Tuesday night and I used one this morning. Not even a ghost of a line.
I didn't even have any tears this morning. I just felt empty.
Hours later when I went downstairs for breakfast, K's older brother told me he was sorry and then it hit me.
Having no appetite, I returned upstairs, got under the covers and bawled my head off.
K came up with a cup of (real) coffee and held me while I cried.
An hour later, she came back up with a laptop and told me to plan a vacation. She'd take me wherever I wanted to go as long as she didn't have to be on a plane for over 10 hours.
This is a woman who knows how to get me out of my funk.
No, it doesn't solve anything, but hearing the words "travel" makes my heart go pitter pat.
I finally made it downstairs by noon for gift giving and pumpkin bread eating, followed by a long winter's walk through the woods.
My spirits have been lifted.
I am surrounded by people who love me; kind, wonderful, generous people. They feed me, give me space when I need it, and hug me when I'm down.
We are lucky and fortunate in so many ways. This is just a blip on my universe of life.
Yes, it's been 8 tries. Yes, it's been almost a year. Yes, it's getting harder. Yes, I should be 5 months pregnant now but that didn't happen.
I need to stay positive and I'm trying really hard to do that. The universe has thrown a lot of shit at me many times in life, but I've always come out on top.
We have a wonderful life and I need to keep things in perspective.
I believe there's an IVF train leaving the station in 2009. Can you ladies fit another passenger on board?
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Well, they found me.
They were adamant that without my help, they would not be pregnant right now.
I met them for dinner and she gave me all of her leftover Follistim, PIO, needles, etc. They refused to let me pay for anything because "I had done them such a huge favor by giving them a crash course in TTC/IVF 101".
And--get this--they want to name their baby after me!
They don't know if they are having a boy or a girl..and my name is actually an old Irish male name but is commonly used for girls in the USA, so who knows!?!
I am seriously blown away by this!
Today is a much better day. I'm out of the house and in the office and I'll leave directly from here and take a train upstate.
I'm looking forward to being with K's family. They live far away from anything civilized in the mountains. With all of the snow they've been having, we're sure to have a white Christmas.
I've got all my ski gear with me and I'm sure the weekend will involve some snowshoeing, cross-country skiing and depending on if AF comes or not, some down-hill skiing, too.
All of your sweet comments over the last couple of days have really helped my spirits. I didn't buy any more tests and I'm not going to. I'm just going to hope for the best and wait.
The nearest store is over 1/2 hour away, so I'll have to want to POAS pretty bad if I go get a test!
Monday, December 22, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
She’s been avoiding my questions for 3 weeks now, but I knew. We share the same cycle. I knew when she was trying because it was the same time I was. I knew when she was testing. And yet, she kept being evasive “oh any time now” “my cycle is a little off”.
We went to a team lunch and she passed on the wine. We ordered sushi and she wouldn’t tell me which rolls she was ordering.
My boss is pregnant. She’s the same age as me, but she’s got fresh sperm. I love my wife and I love my life, but this past year has really made me wish I were straight. Or a lesbian with benefits. Or something.
She’s pregnant. I’m not.
There are SEVEN pregnant women in my office right now. I see swollen bellies and radiant faces every freaking day, but now I get to be around hers. All the time.
It was so hard to be happy and congratulatory to her. I’m sure she saw the cloud register on my face when she told me. And she didn’t tell me! I cornered her and asked her point blank and then she told me.
I thought it was pretty shitty that I’ve been so honest and truthful and upfront with her on everything—and I told her so. She asks questions—I answer. But she wasn’t as forthcoming with me.
I get it, she wasn’t sure, she wanted to be sure…she was going to tell me, she feels really bad. I know, I know.
This hurts. I knew it would be really hard if she got pregnant first. She hasn’t had to go through ANYthing. No drugs. No ultrasounds. No 10K spent on sperm. She just has sex in a fucking rent control apartment while I spend all my money on sperm that I can’t even enjoy in my overpriced market rent apartment.
I kind of hate her right now. She drinks coffee. All the time. She gave up nothing.
It’s snowing outside and I think I’m going to leave now, walk home and cry.
Please let me be pregnant.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
"I have to pee, I have to pee."
Toss Turn Toss Turn.
"Don't get up to pee, it will disrupt your temp."
Toss Turn Toss Turn.
"I have to pee or else I'll never get back to sleep."
Toss Turn Toss Turn.
(By this time any cat that was asleep with me is long gone and K is in Vegas, so I'm disrupting no one but myself.)
"Maybe I should just take my temp now and then go pee. It must be almost time to wake up anyway."
Take temp in the dark. Beep goes off. Turn on the light.
Every freaking morning.
Go back to bed (and SLEEP).
Repeat temp at 7:30 and ponder the difference and which temp to use.
Um...I rarely get up in the middle of the night to pee. I even limited my fluid intake before bed last night.
I refuse to think too much about this. But you can if you feel so inclined.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
We had parties to go this weekend which made it feel festive and all holiday-like, which it really hasn’t until now. Saturday night K’s brother, a fabulous gay man who works in fashion, was having his annual soiree. It’s a beautiful get together but nerve-wracking figuring out what to wear when about 80% of the room works in fashion and 20% are just ridiculously fashionable. I was unsure the entire evening if I’d pulled off the outfit (that also concealed the bloat) until a gorgeous guy told me I could be a character on Sex in the City. That made my weekend!
There was another guy at the party, a good friend of the brother, which we would love to ask for some fresh stuff. Problem is that he’s a total slut. Damn. Too risky. So many beautiful, intelligent men all around us and all of them are too risky.
Sunday morning I went to the monthly TTC brunch hosted by Gia. It was lovely as usual and nice to see everyone, catch up and make new friends. I’m so glad there are a number of us in the NYC area that make these monthly brunches.
The afternoon/evening was for shopping and a cookie decorating party. I got most of my holiday shopping done—but along the way found a new coat for myself. Regular price $600. The price I paid? $92. How can you pass that up? The last black winter coat I bought was in Italy, February 2003 and while it’s still ‘fine’ I cannot express how tired and bored I am with this coat.
I have resisted buying new clothes for so long thinking, ‘but if I get pregnant’. This winter I’ve said screw it. I literally have not bought new winter clothes (except from Goodwill/Salvation Army) since….2002/2003…until now.
Winter 2003/2004—I spent in South East Asia
Winter 2004/2005—I spent in South East Asia
Winter 2005/2006—I was saving up money travel in South America and Central America.
Winter 2006/2007—Saving all my money in the baby fund in case we don’t have insurance coverage.
Winter 2007/2008—I was scheduled to TTC soon and why buy new clothes now when I could outgrow them so soon?
Winter 2008/2009—Even if I’m pregnant RIGHT NOW, I can wear my entire wardrobe for at least the 1st trimester so I’m buying some new clothes!!
So, I feel justified. It’s justifiable, right? I added a few new sweaters to the mix, and then cleaned out my closets of the stuff I never want to wear again, bagged it all up and gave it to the cleaning lady who was happy to have it. Everyone wins.
But enough about that. It’s either 5 or 6 DPO.
According to fertility friend I ovulated later than I ever have—which is Bad Bad News.
Day 12 Monday—Trigger 10pm
Day 13 Tuesday—IUI 3pm
Day 14 Wednesday—IUI 9am
How could I have ovulated on Day 15, Thursday?? Three days after the trigger??
If this is true, we missed it. Again. All that sperm wasted. All that bloat for nothing. I keep telling myself I forgot to take my temperature that morning and just recorded the previous morning’s temp. But I don’t really believe me. Because of course I was waking up to take that temp and see that spike. And I didn’t. I remember that. But I didn’t want to believe it. Couldn’t believe it. If I had fresh sperm this would not be a problem. With frozen? That 6-12 hour window is a big stretch. See for yourself. 9 Days til testing…and trying to keep the faith that I am pregnant until proven otherwise.
I would post my chart for you but Blogger won't let me.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Queerstork has been talking about the number 8 today and it’s got my head spinning…
The year is 2008.
I got pregnant (barely) in Aug. (the 8th month)
My 8-year anniversary to K was on 8.8.08.
And this is my 8th IUI.
Plus the Chinese like the number 8, so that has to count for something.
There are two other bloggers out there besides Queerstork and myself who just completed their 8th IUI and they already have BFP’s, so go say Congrats to this little lady and this one, too.
I have great hopes for this month with all of these BFP’s on the 8th IUI.
But I’m as bloated as a street child with tape worms in a third world country. That’s never happened before.
K says I must be pregnant because I already look pregnant!
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
All is good in the
Between IUI #1 and IUI #2, I have over 36 million sperm swimming looking for 2 good eggs!
These are the best numbers we’ve EVER had and I gave a little shriek this morning seeing the numbers.
I LOVE our new Baby Daddy. Love Love Love Him.
I have to say that since we started doing back-to-back IUI’s, I no longer freak and fret about the timing. I know it’s also because I got pregnant with the first dual IUI’s, so that’s what sticks in my mind—it worked!
Regardless, having the stress of ‘timing’ lifted off my uterus has been golden. I am feeling really bloated and a little crampy this time. Usually I don’t feel much different, but I would love to be lying down right now instead of sitting upright at work with my pants unbuttoned.
Having K there for both of the inseminations was great and we did some visualization techniques afterwards just meditating on the different stages of conception and stages of pregnancy. It was so comforting and relaxing I felt like I was beaming when I came out of the room.
There’s a lot of pressure when 14DPO=Christmas Day.
We’ll be upstate and have decided that if it’s a positive we’ll just hang tight until the 29th and then come in for a beta.
If it’s a negative and K isn’t staffed on a project, we’re jumping on a plane and going somewhere warm.
Queerstork and I saw the same fortuneteller and I can tell we are still thinking about her and the predictions.
For me, she told me my lucky number was 996. I have been trying like mad to see where that number could apply.
Well, 9 months pregnant would be a due date of September (9) 6.
*Cue eerie music*
Monday, December 8, 2008
E2 level was 994 and LH was 6.2
15 is considering surging on your own.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Going to eat Indian food tonight before seeing Slumdog Millionaire.
There's more India calling on the horizon, but I'll leave that for another post.
Go see Milk. It's excellent.
Do NOT watch 2 movies in one week about the Rwandan genocide while taking clomid or you will have movies about dead babies. But really, when IS a good time to watch a movie like this?
If you are so inclined as I am for a historical tearjerker, these movies were also excellent if thoroughly heart wrenching: Beyond the Gates and Sometime in April.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
I don't have a problem opening up to people and telling them things...especially on the internet.
There's a trust level that goes on here because we're all (most of us) going through the same thing.
Of course, there are always lurkers or the casual passerby who stumbled upon my blog because they were looking for ways to breed their fish, but for the most part--it's easy for me to open up online.
While it's marginally more difficult in person--I'm still an open book. I mean, I tell it like it is details and all. I don't have a problem with letting it all out.
The catch? It still doesn't mean I trust who I'm speaking with.
Is that possible? It seems to be hypocritical, even to me.
I think it comes down to work vs. my private life.
I have been royally screwed over multiple times in my worklife and as a result I don't trust anyone I work with. Even though I told my boss about TTC--I don't trust her. But I had to tell her something and it's been alright even though sometimes she'll mention something really loud about 'it' and I'll hiss at her. See? Can't trust her!
So, while I trust my friends--and Shindagrl I trust you 100%, I realized this today--I don't trust my co-workers.
That's what made it so hard yesterday. I like this woman. I could be going through what she's gone through. I want to trust her.
In fact, when she confided in me, my first thought was "the universe brought her to me because I'm going to be using an egg donor".
Laugh if you will, but when I had to give my aunt a shot in the stomach this past summer (even though this is a shot she takes every night and her own daughter was there) (why couldn't she do it?!) I had a moment of clarity where I thought "this is all happening because I will have to do this to myself." And I did.
I used to be less guarded at work, but I think past work experience and females in the workplace being back-stabbing bitches (especially in investment banking....) have caused a lot more fear of who I open up to.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
My entire childhood was fraught with people hurting me and my little wall of distrust became bigger and bigger.
It didn't end there. No, it continued well on to my adulthood where I applied the same behaviors and choices I'd been surrounded by my entire life which led to disastrous results.
Somewhere along the way, in the midst of my tumultuous 20's, I changed my life. It didn't happen in a year or two, but slowly along the way I left behind all that I knew and learned a new way of living. I'm better at trusting (and forgiving) than I ever was before and the last 10 "new" living years of my life have been the best.
I'm feeling quite happy and at peace with my life right now, but I am feeling/have felt lack of support regarding the TTC process (not from all of you). I suppose this all comes out in the Clomares (thankfully I did not have one last night).
But despite me not trusting many people (if anyone--fully), there seem to be a lot of folks who trust me and tell me things they don't tell others.
I had lunch today with a new co-worker. She's been here 2 months and I 'thought' she might be pregnant but she was going to great lengths to hide her belly, so I left my suspicions in my head and simply observed her. I'm a great observer.
Yesterday she looked very much pregnant and after a meeting I asked her when she was due.
We ended up making a lunch date out of it...which led to her telling me all about baby-making process which has been a long, hard road for her. After failed IVF attempts, she and her husband made the decision to go with donor eggs and now she's pregnant with twin boys due the end of February.
She mentioned that I seemed to know a lot about the subject (she knows I'm gay) and innocently asked if we were thinking about it.
I froze. I don't trust her. I barely know her. I couldn't do it.
But she did it for me. And not only that, she opened up about work concerns as well. I mean, I've talked to her a total of 10 minutes before this lunch. She trusted me.
I don't know what that feels like, but I hope someday I find out.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
- My wife cheated on me and left me
- I had to move out
- All of my friends came by to help
- But they left the doors open
- My cats all escaped and got lost
- I tried in vain to find them and found every other cat but not them
- The moving van packed everything up, but left all of the baby stuff behind
- I recognized the baby stuff as my childhood things.
Monday, December 1, 2008
I don’t think we’ll put up a tree this year. If we were going to do it, we should’ve done it this past weekend and it just wasn’t a priority.
Usually, we have a big holiday party and the tree is up and all of the decorations. Everyone ooohs and aaahs and we like that.
Since Thanksgiving came late this year I feel we’re in a time crunch. Every weekend we looked to do a party (there are only 2 for us), we were already booked to go to someone else’s party.
I can’t do the tree and everything all by myself especially since all of the decorations are on the top shelf and I need an assistant. That assistant was home for 10 days, but is now back in the hinterlands of the Midwest, bravely working amongst the Republican right-wingers of
Follow me here…I f I wait for her to come home so we can do it together that means we will only have 2 weeks to enjoy the décor before leaving to go upstate for the holiday week. PLUS—K is going to Vegas for work the week of the 15th.
It just seems like a lot of work for too short of time.
There’s no bah humbug here, I feel quite festive about the season. I just think we should save our time and money and enjoy other people’s decorations this year.
Is that a crazy thought?