Puffer and the Baby Fishies

Weaning My Two Year Old

2012-01-25T16:57:00.002-05:00

Hi There. Yes, I have 2 year old twins and yes, one of them is still latching on twice a day--more if I'd let him.
I'm quite torn about weaning. I have loved breastfeeding more than I ever thought possible and really don't want it to end. I wish I was still breastfeeding both of them but it's only Grunter and I as Whoop Whoop abruptly left the boob with a laugh when he was 18 months old.
When I was pregnant, I vaguely remember a bit ambivalent about breastfeeding. I was kinda like, yeah that would be cool if it works. But did I take a class? Nope. Read any of my breastfeeding books? Nope. Open my breast pump or sterilize the parts or figure out how the damned thing worked until the twins came home from the hospital (by the way, don't be stupid like me and do this)? Nope.
My attitude was a bit "Eh, it will either work or not and if it doesn't I'll be bummed but lots of people use formula and it's all OK."

I never could have predicted the intense reaction I would feel to the possibility that this might not work.
When it looked very much like a failure, I put everything I had into making it work.
Grunter got it faster than Whoop Whoop and if it weren't for him, I would have quit and gone to bottles. Whoop Whoop put me through hell. When I think back to those TEN weeks that we struggled with him latching on, I cringe. I'd love to have happy memories of the newborn days, but I don't. That was not my reality. The untreated PPD, the colic, the low birth weight, the troubles with breastfeeding, the eating every 2 hours, the extreme sleep deprivation, the low milk supply, the slow weight gain. It was all hellish.

So when the breastfeeding finally 'clicked' and it did, though probably not right at 10 weeks, more like around 4 months for me, I knew that I'd give it everything I had.
And I did. Through countless clogged milk ducts and painful recurrences of mastitis and yeast infections and more sleepless nights, I gave it everything I had.

At some point, it became joyful. I LOVED tandem breastfeeding my twins. I cried when I had to stop using my double breastfeeding pillow, but little did I know it was only going to get better and better and better.

Breastfeeding a toddler has seriously been one of the best things I've ever done in my life. It is so rewarding and FUN. Yes, it's fun!
Right after the twins started toddling about we moved our mattress to the floor and it created a giant play mat of sorts for them. Our snuggle place, our breastfeeding place, our reading books place. The decision to move our mattress to the living room floor was the best one we've made in a long time. They love it. We love it. Kids over for playdates love it. And the way they can crawl/toddle and now walk and climb into the bed with us is priceless. The way one of them will stop breastfeeding to walk to the book shelf and come back to hand me a book to read while they are having "mommy milk".

Whoop Whoop, even though he spontaneously self-weaned, still asks for 'mommy milk'. For him, this time is snuggle time with mommy in bed. He's on one side with his 'moo milk' and Grunter is on the other side nursing. When Grunter commands "Other Side!" W2 knows to scramble over my body and they switch sides. I hold them both in my arms and my life feels so full and complete. I love it. I kiss them both and W2 tries to kiss Grunter and Grunter pushes him away and W2 want to kiss him so badly but Grunter is having none of it. It's so sweet and I don't have these intimate moments with them any other time of the day.
I'm loathe to give them up.

Around Thanksgiving I cut out the 'after nap' nursing session (which went horribly with much wailing and tears and tantruming of Grunter--it lasted about 2 weeks and was awful).
Now we are down to 2 sessions a day--after waking and before sleep at night.
My supply is dropping and has been for over a month. I knew it when Grunter started crying and pulling off saying "milk OUT". Poor thing was so frustrated and pissed out that there wasn't much milk.
There have been nights that he doesn't ask to nurse. Sometimes 2 or 3 nights in a row and I wonder....what now? But then he asks again and we're off to cuddle.

I've been explaining to him that the mommy milk is slowly going away and I don't have much anymore that's why I can't give it to him in the afternoons (oh yes, he still asks for it sometimes!). He seems to accept and understand this and says "Moo Milk". Yes, you get moo milk instead. "Moon, mommy milk." Yes, when the moon is up and it's dark, you will get mommy milk.

We'll be going away in a month and it's going to be even harder for me to nurse him in our house in Costa Rica. I won't be able to 'watch' Whoop Whoop while he nurses. Our bed is not on the floor. It's going to be hot and sticky and sandy. Nursing a hot, sticky, sandy toddler doesn't sound nearly as dreamy as a clean toddler in a clean bed!
Plus, well....I never in a million years would have dreamed I'd be breastfeeding a 2 year old! It's crazy considering how it started.
So, I think I'm going to start weaning. Maybe. I could change my mind tomorrow. Or maybe laying in a hammock with a sticky toddler will be dreamy and I'm just obsessed with being clean and sticky-free.

Happy New Year 2012

2011-12-31T20:02:00.001-05:00

My heart sings with love. These two boys are the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm the luckiest girl in the world and so happy to be their mommy.
It's been a very good year.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Bad NT Scan for One Twin--HELP

2011-12-13T17:37:00.003-05:00

Hey Readers,

One of my best friends lives in the Netherlands is about 13-14 weeks pregnant with twins. She's had a really hard time getting pregnant, has had repeated blighted ovums/miscarriages...you name it. This was her 3rd IVF cycle and she finally got pregnant with twins.
Everything was going really well until she went for the NT scan.
Here are her results:

I had one child with a Nuchal translucency (NT) of 1.6 and this one was considered low risk 1:1800. The other one has an NT of 4.0 which is actually very high risk...sadly. But, what can I do. I got an estimate of 1:5 for Down's and this is with the NT and the blood combined.

Can anyone share their experience with a bad NT reading/bloodwork? Did you do a CVS and/or an Amnio? Did you have the child? Outcome?

She's going ahead with the testing, I believe soon. It will tell her more and she can elect to do a reduction at that point if she wishes.

I am so very sad for her and her husband. I just want to hear some voices who have been there, if you could leave a comment.
Or just wish her well. Thanks.

My Brain is About to Burst

2011-12-08T16:40:00.001-05:00

In a good way.
But, oh. The overload of information. My mommy brain doesn't function as well as it used to and I'm not used to this amount work.
I dropped off a bit, I know. Damn that NaBloPoMo. I failed. Anyway.

Let's pick up where I left off, shall we? And I'm try not to bore you or take to long to get to the point.
We left off with pre-school. Do we? Don't we? How? Where?
The comments touched off a series of conversations I had by myself. Silently, just me and my head.
I had to come up with a few 'plans' before I could let Chicken know what we were going to be doing next.

Chiang Mai, Thailand is what I came up with if we were going to live abroad for a year. So for the next week or so I made my wife crazy telling her how we were going to do it and how much it would cost and when we were leaving.
And she balked. Rightly so, I suppose. She IS the one who makes the money in this family and she IS the one who is highly employable whereas I am merely enjoyable at a cocktail party (Eh, I used to be. Now I'm too tired.). But I'm a pretty good mom and I'm a damn good travel planner and I can be very, very persuasive.
Little by little she started coming around. More facts, more ideas, more coming around.

And then I found my people. My traveling family peeps.
Now, I've been following a few travel blogs for years. Not many, 2 or 3. I knew if I let myself I'd find one blog led to another and another and I'd be swallowed up by all of the fabulous family travel blogs out there. And I couldn't let that happen because I had babies to take care of and pregnant lesbian bloggers to cheer on and mommy blogs to follow and life.
But now...well, the twins are at the age where I can see this happening. I can see us DOING this. Taking off for a year (or more?) and living this dream.
I've been swallowed up.
I'm not even sure how many family travel blogs I'm reading right now. And of course, I want to start from the very beginning. I want to know everything. Now.
And then I found some travel blogger and family travel groups on FB. And well, well....the connections. The ideas. The inspiration. The amazing-ness of so many people!
I seriously don't know the last time I felt this tingly about something other than my kids. They make me tingle everyday. But this...

Something seriously cool happened a few days ago. I was reading FB posts regarding family travel in Chiang Mai. I looked at the avatar of a poster and thought to myself "Oh, it looks like they are traveling with a toddler". So naturally I am intrigued and click to their FB page...where it says "NY, NY" and I'm very intrigued because there's something about the photo of that little girl in the photo stream at the top of the page...and there's a link to a website and BAM.
I find myself staring at my neighbor's kids. What a small world. We aren't 'friends' per se, but I would see her kids almost daily and we'd met and chatted from time to time, but I didn't even remember her name until I saw her kids.
She, her husband, a 3 year old and a 1 year old have taken off for the next year to travel around the world. Her husband has found a way to work part time while they travel and so far they are having a blast.
They are doing it. And what a small world for me to have found them. Read their blog here.

This couple and their story did something to Chicken. Suddenly she was all on board, ready and willing to find a way to make this happen. I know I'm making her crazy talking about all of this now, but we have to plan accordingly and these kinds of things don't just happen overnight.

Right now, we're really looking forward to our month in Costa Rica and 'trying' out living abroad. Even though some of it will be in vacation mode, much of our life will be harder. She'll still be working, I'll still be a SAHM.
Only I'll have a 2 story house with no safety gates to keep track of munchkins. I'll have a house that has no walls downstairs and leads straight to the yard (thank god the yard has a gate). I'll go from knowing where my kids are at any given moment in my 750 sq ft one bedroom apartment to wondering if they are in the far corners of the gardens trying to eat poisonous frogs or if they've managed to get out the gate and are now being swept away in the ocean.
I'll still have to figure out how to get two toddlers up, dressed, fed and transported a mile up the road (without my swanky SUV double stroller) where I'll wait with them to catch a bus to take them to their preschool in 'town' by 8:30am. And then repeat it all over again when I pick them up at 12:30pm. We'll still cook meals together only now we'll have to figure out how to keep the ants out of our open air kitchen. We'll still run errands and go grocery shopping only we'll have to do it by strapping the kids on the back of the bike and pedaling 6 km on a dirt road to the market.
Yes, living within walking distance to the beach is going to be a mighty fine thing but convincing your 2 year olds to take multiple (or at least ONE) cold shower a day is not going to be so easy. Yeah, I'm a little bit worried about snakes and spiders and bugs and scorpions and dengue fever from killer mosquitos. But, hey, there's rat poop in the NYC playgrounds. At least we'll have a sloth in our yard, howler monkeys in the forest around us and toucans flying through the trees.

After this trip, we will put a plan in gear for what comes next. Our ultimate goal is to start traveling at the beginning of 2012 during the boy's preschool years and (possibly) coming home for (free) Kindergarten.

Some of our concerns/questions:

Do we take a year off and travel around the with 3 year old twins?
Do we establish a 'home base' (Chiang Mai is our number one choice) and travel shorter distances from there?
Travel to a few different locations, set up 'home base' every 3-4 months and one/both of us works along the way?
What kind of work could Chicken and her MBA do in a virtual work world?
If we set up 'home bases', do we utilize local preschools or homeschool/worldschool?
How much money do we need (depends on if we work along the way....)?
What countries--as a same-sex family--should we cross off our list?

Yes, my brain is bursting and I've only just begun. For now, I'm busy de-cluttering the apartment in anticipation of what we'll have to store while we are away. The less, the better. In the past week I've been able to clear out an entire closet of hanging clothes, 10 pairs of shoes, 4 coats and donate it all to the Bowery Mission. I've shredded the contents of one file drawer, thrown away a heap of crap, and sold $200 worth of baby stuff. I daily debate whether or not to sell my antique bedroom dresser, bed and cabinentry.

There's so much more going on but this is the big, big stuff. Who were those people moving to Florida? WTH?! This is the life I was dreaming about.

PreSchool Alternative in NYC?

2011-11-16T17:07:00.001-05:00

I am firmly in denial that I have to start thinking of preschool in solid terms. I mean, I *think* about it. I practically obsess about it in my head; running the numbers and thinking of the gains and what does it all really mean for what price. Oh, I think about it a lot.
But I haven't actually done anything about it. Like, put my name on a list anywhere.

Forget about preschool for a moment--what I should have done is put my kid's names down on a list for PreK. I should have done that when they were born. You know, for PreK.
PreK is when the free stuff starts in NYC. But only some elementary schools have PreK and not all are good. So, you can imagine the competition (actually you probably can't imagine unless you are living here with kids. It's freeking insane and besides rent, it's pretty much all people talk about).

However, we are lesbians with twins. No one would ever, ever, ever admit it--but I know for a fact that we will get bumped up those lists because of the 'diversity' factor. True story.
That doesn't mean I should keep procrastinating, but it does make me feel a teensy bit better knowing that finally I've got the edge on the straight white couple.

OK, back to preschool. The cost is insane. I don't know how much preschool costs average around the country and beyond (do tell!) but here in NYC, the average cost is roughly $1500-$2000 per MONTH.
Ahem, times two for twins. Although some are generous with a 5% sibling discount. Five percent, yee haw.
The highest priced preschool in NYC is $30K. For a 3 year old to finger paint? Seriously??

Let's assume we get a spot for two kids in a (cough) reasonably priced preschool in our neighborhood. Just your average 1/2 day program.
I still can't go back to work full time because of the drop off and pick up times. Or, if I did go back to work full time, I would still have to pay for a nanny.
It kills me either way because for 'what' I do workwise (for those of you who have been reading awhile I am most decidedly NOT the career-driven one of this couple) does not make me much money.
Going back into the workforce gives me a lot of anxiety. I don't even know what I'm going to do next. But that bit of panic is all for another post.

We could keep them out of preschool until they turn 4 and can go to (free) PreK. There are plenty of classes and activities to keep them busy and happy. This city is full of possibilities and learning opportunities--many of them for free. It would be a lot of work and I would really have to buckle down with my planning and scheduling, but a homeschool preschool could be a possibility.

The other option--one which we will know more about in April--is living abroad for a year and renting out our (furnished) apartment. Chicken has the strong possibility of being able to work remotely and so we would keep her income, plus the rent from our apartment and we would live in a moderately priced country (Costa Rica? Argentina? Thailand? Malaysia?) with a great alternative preschool.
This is one of the reasons we choose where we are going in Costa Rica this winter--the awesome Waldorf preschool ($160/month) and the low cost of living. The ability for the boys (and us) to learn another language is also HIGH on my list.
I would prefer that language be Spanish as it's the most beneficial (or maybe Chinese) but I also wouldn't pass up a year in Thailand if that presented itself.

So that's where we are. Homeschooling or leaving the country.
How did this happen?

Happy

2011-11-15T22:03:00.001-05:00

Just in the last week or so, Grunter's speech has been making leaps and bounds. W2 seems to be taking it all in and will say something (or try) if you ask/prompt him, but he is not as verbal as Grunter (even though he started off being more so).
Being able to pet the cat is their goal of the day. I swear we lift them out of the crib and they chime "cat!" We have a rather shy and skittish cat who is not too keen on letting them near. Lately the boys (especially Grunter) have learned to be quiet, calm, gentle and slow and then....maybe.....he can get near enough the cat for a quick stroke of fur.
This past weekend, while I was sick in bed most of the day, the cat was laying on me when Grunter came to nurse. He approached very slowly and the cat let him not only pet, but HUG him. While his head was resting on the cat's belly, I asked him if he heard the noise the cat was making? He smiled and said 'Si' (they don't say 'yes') and I said, he's purring. He makes that sound because he's happy.
Clear as a bell Grunter said "Happy!" and his whole face lit up with a smile.
Now he goes about his day and randomly will tell us he's happy. Today I saw him 'clapping' the hands of one of his dolls and saying "happy!"

Tonight as I was leaving their bedroom Grunter yelled out "Mommy". He has only started calling me Mommy and Chicken Mama in the past few weeks. Something clicked and he knows which one of us gets which name. Since that lightbulb went off--I hear Mommy! all day long. This can be good and bad!
But it's usual for him to want me to come back just one more time....
He stood up in his crib and reached out to hug and kiss me in the darkness. Then I asked W2 if he wanted to give me another hug and kiss goodnight. He replied by moving his face over to the crib slats and making giggly kissy noises. I responded by kneeling down and kissing them both through the crib slats which they think is hysterical (and it's beyond cute).
Then they both blew my kisses and sang out "ciao! night night!"

These are the moments that I live for. During the first year, which was so very dark and difficult--these were the days I was waiting for. Well worth the wait.

Ditching the Stroller

2011-11-14T21:32:00.001-05:00

Chicken and I made a big leap today. We took our first ever 'trip' with the twins without using a stroller, carrier, monkey backpack 'leash', etc. Nothing! A backpack with some diapers, wipes and snacks was all we took.
How liberating!

A friend of ours just had open heart surgery and we wanted to go visit her. Both of us were actually wondering at the same time if we should take strollers/carriers and laughed when we realized we were both thinking the same thing--let's just do it.
These days the boys want to walk more and more. I still take them to the grocery store with me once a week and they are great in the stroller--but for the last two weeks they get restless towards the end and I am hearing "out! out!" This is when the matchbox cars quickly come out.

If I give them the option of going to the park (playground) or going on a walk--they will usually choose the walk.
They are both very good at listening and obeying the 'rules'. If I say "no", W2 will almost always stop but Grunter is mischievous and will gleefully run squealing. This sometimes upsets W2 (who may end up being the tattler!). Anyway, I give them a lot of freedom around our neighborhood because it's largely car-free in the park area and safe for them to walk and explore--as long as they stay 'near'.
However, when we head out of this area and near the streets/cars I always stop and give them a little talk about where we are going and how they absolutely have to hold Mommy's/Mama's hand and that this is very, very important.
Now, they will both hold tightly to my hands and we can go on a walk together. It's awesome. It took a lot of work over the past 6 months to get to this stage but we've been seeing real progress for the past 3 months.
Whoop Whoop loves to shake his index finger at a car and say "No!" And I reply, "that's right, we don't touch cars and we don't go near them."

So, today we thought they were ready. And they were. They behaved so well in the taxi and in the hospital, even waiting in the queue for the taxi home they were patient and nice. The afternoon was such a success we decided to do something really crazy and went out to an early dinner. The last time we tried dinner was in Florida in March! It was such a disaster (even at 5:30pm) that we have just stuck to breakfast. I know it helped tremendously that today they were tired from all of the walking.

We have one family-friendly restaurant in our neighborhood (there are a few others, but not many...) and we had 'dinner' at 4:50! They ate a variety of food we doubt they would have touched at home (who knew they were such big fans of trout almondine?) and we--for the first time ever--actually ate out without inhaling our plates at lightening speed. I even had time to drink a great Belgian beer! Total success.

This gives me all kinds of hope for the months ahead--especially our month in Costa Rica. I love this age and I kind of want it to last forever, but I know each stage will probably be my new favorite.

Today Grunter was helping me unload all of the groceries from the bottom of the stroller. They have both been doing this for 3 or 4 months--such good helpers! But today, I heard Grunter saying the same thing over and over as he would put something on the kitchen counter (how did he get to be so tall already?!) and finally I realized that each time he was saying "Helpful". Melt. Yes darling boy, you are so helpful! How I savor these wonderful everyday moments.

Uh Oh

2011-11-13T21:38:00.001-05:00

I missed blogging 2 days. No prizes for me.
This afternoon I left the house for the first time since Friday morning.
Puffer got a little sick. Not fever-puking-haggard sick. Just achey, yucky, tired, stuffy, snotty sick.
I knew that if I could just Rest, that my body could *probably* fight it off.

It probably didn't help that I took the twins to the Zoo Friday morning and totally exhausted myself.
But I'd promised them and it was a gorgeous (if a bit nippy) fall day and I couldn't really deal with hearing "Ba Ba?" all day long. Even after we fed the sheep and looked at the pony, I heard "Ba Ba? Nay Nay?" through the rest of the zoo. Whoop Whoop loves his sheep and horses.
What I didn't know was that Grunter knows how to say "Baboon!" and knows that it is a type of monkey.
That is so cool.

They call the wallabies "Abby" and animals sound a lot like "Elmo".
Now, my kids have watched Sesame Street exactly 3 times, but we were gifted two SS books (an ABC and a counting one) and yeah, the kids love them. It doesn't matter that they've barely ever glimpsed Elmo on the screen--that one look was all it took. There is something about Elmo. What IS it?
So, all night Friday the boys are saying "Elmo Elmo" and I'm wracking my brain trying to figure out where they have seen Elmo that day.
It doesn't hit me until the next day (when they are still saying it) that I realize they are saying "Animal".
Ah Ha.

Saturday, for the first time in almost 22 months, Chicken took the boys by herself for (almost) the entire day. I stayed in bed. Sweet, sweet rest. Now, it would've been much better had I been in a private bedroom with the door closed rather than smack in the middle of the living room, but the boys were outside a majority of the day and short of curling up in their crib--that's as good as it gets around here.
(I actually did think of putting one of their crib mattresses on the floor and sleeping in there...)
I was quite sad when the boys left in the afternoon and questioned "Mommy?" and heard Chicken say, "No, Mommy doesn't feel good, she's staying here" and then hearing Grunter's sweet little voice say "Mommy. Night Night."

I woke up today feeling better, but not good. Chicken's brother was in town for the weekend (formerly of Paris now in London) and he came over and they all played outside while I slept some more. Only I didn't sleep. Restless from so much REST, I got up and made banana muffins and a quiche.
Finally this afternoon I was able to summon enough energy to take the kids to the park. I missed them!
Hopefully tomorrow I'll be back to new which is great since I'm going to have a long day ahead of me either way. Thankfully the weather here is still holding steady at beautiful fall weather so we can go out and about.

I'm working on compiling all of the idea I got from the comments sections. Wow! There were some really great ideas and already I've started tweaking our mornings and have had great success!
Also....we're reconsidering on the play kitchen. I think that having the boys paint/draw at the kitchen table (it's a vintage/retro diner type with a formica top that wipes clean) and using the extra space for a kitchen instead of an art table might be a better use of space.

Next up! I'm going to try to tap into my crafty side and make some felt animals.....that can't be too hard, right? And I'm looking for the best reusable sandwich bags as I'm trying to ditch most of our plastic/ziplocs, etc.

Hope you all had a great weekend.

Negatize

2011-11-10T21:52:00.001-05:00

Chicken came home today and asked me if I'd done any work to monetize my blog.
"No, I went online shopping. I negatized at Z.appos."

However, I added up all the baby stuff I've sold and it's well over $500 (what I can remember and what I kept track of anyway), but you know--then I bought shoes.
Chicken needed new boots for winter and so did the boys and me? Well, my feet grew juuuuust enough during pregnancy that I'm neither a 7 (my old size), nor a 7.5.
Last week I cleaned out 1/2 my shoes and dropped them off at G.oodwill.
It's so freaking annoying. But I can't afford to replace my entire shoe collection due to a bit of tight-foot-ness, so I'm just going to suck it up with the rest.
Instead I bought some really awesome wool slippers. I can't wait for them to arrive.
Maybe if my feet are comfortable, I'll motivate to educate myself on how to monetize.

Cute

2011-11-10T07:27:00.001-05:00

I went to bed without blogging. Oops. Not feeling well and fighting off a cold.
This morning W2 was hugging Grunter while he nursed.

I hope the boys are as cute today as they were last Friday when I took this photo.
We had a big painting party in the park with 6 other friends. My boys were the messiest. I threw away those sweatpants. Totally ruined. They had so much paint on them their skin was painted underneath.
Messy Fun!

Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Packing Up the Baby Stuff

2011-11-08T21:56:00.000-05:00

One advantage of living in a small space is that you can't really hold on to the stuff you don't use/need. Well, I guess you can, but you'll be on Hoarders.
As the twins have outgrown things--bouncers, clothing, carriers--I've sold it as fast as I could either on my Twin Mom's Club classifieds or on CL.
It's always a little bittersweet, but mostly I'm glad to have more free space (especially the bouncer/swing plastic crap!).
This past weekend, I started gathering toys. So many (too many) toys. I put them all in a big box, took away most of the other toys and waited to see if they would play with them. Eh, not so much.
These weren't even their baby toys, but nevertheless these almost-2-year-olds are over and done with H.aba blocks and activity cubes. I catalogued and boxed up all of the toys that I'll now try to sell.
And I was sad.
Actually, I couldn't part with them all. We aren't having anymore children, but I keep a few small things from each stage that I just can't bear to sell/donate.

Now that they are entering the "pretend play" (shopping cart filled with food, farm and animals, airplane and people) and want "things that GO" (trains, cars, scooters, trikes), or things they can build (Duplos and soon, Legos) I'm a little lost with what toys will get me through the dark, cold winter (113 days til the beach!).

We don't have much room inside and I get them outside twice a day to play in the park. But there are going to be so many days we just can't be outside at all unless it's to fiercely bundle up and walk to the indoor play space or to someone's house for a playdate.

I believe my FIL is going to buy them an art table like this:
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/p/toys-games-super-art-table/12607993
I need ideas for art supplies and things we can do around the house.

We thought about a play kitchen, but honestly the only place we could put it is in their bedroom and there is NO way they would stay back there and 'pretend' to cook when what they really want is to be under my feet while I am cooking! I've learned to just set them up with kitchen things and cook fast.
The idea of a train table is enticing, but there is a big store about a 10 minute walk from our place that has a huge Tho.mas the Train table set up in the toy section and we go play with it a couple of times a week. Why buy it when we can go there??

Those of you with 2-3 year old's, tell me--what worked for you and what do you wish you'd not bought?
The grandparents are asking for Holiday gift ideas and I'd like to be prepared.
And Chicken has the logic of "Oh, we just got rid of a bunch of toys--let's buy more, more, more!" and I'm all like, "NO!"
Anything without batteries and along the lines of Montessori would be great!

Thanks!

Home Study Questions for Second Parent Adoption

2011-11-07T22:06:00.000-05:00

I'd like to start off by saying I'm pissed that we have to do this at all for us to be a "legal" family. We procrastinated the adoption for a long, long time. Partially because we are already legally married and Chicken is listed on the birth certificate, but mostly because we hired a lawyer that has made so many mistakes it's ridiculous. She's so careless I have no idea how she gets through the day.
Anyway.

We've finally gotten to the home study portion of the adoption which means we're almost done! Last week the social worker came over and spent 2 hours with us. Good God. I can't even believe that she wanted our entire life stories from BIRTH to present. WTF?!
Now you know that I am not really a private person, but I was pissed that we had to go through all of these questions--to be so judged.
Today, I get an email from the social worker and I must say....I'm a bit in disbelief.

These questions...is this NORMAL for a home study?? Did anyone else have to go through all of this??
And the kicker? The social worker is a pregnant lesbian I've previously met on several occasions. Someone else is going to be coming to her house and doing the same damn thing.
It's so messed up on so many levels.

Emai:

Hope this email finds you and the boys well. I have completed my first drafts of the home studies and have some follow up questions.

What is your actual address?

Documents: I am looking for a letter from the Cryobank and also, egg donor letter. Does Stupid Lawyer have these? We need to find out. I will write to her but please also investigate.

Do you call each other wife, spouse, partner. Do you go by Ms. or Mrs.? I assume Ms. but you never know.

Chicken:

I need current info on your parents. How old are they, still working, retired? interests, hobbies, how often see twins, are they coming to Costa Rica? Relationship with Puffer and boys.

Puffer:

What did you get your B.A. in?

What was your job at XXX?

2007-09 you were a marketing manager for whom, I know it was an on line non profit.

How long has your mother been married to stepfather, confirm 22 years?

Your mother met the twins after their birth and again in 2010. When?

Are your mother and step father coming to Costa Rica?

Did your brother meet the boys on Mother's Day 2011?

Does your father know the twins were born?

Confirm you were in counseling in college and did you do any therapy since?

Boys:

I know Puffer is the birth mother. Do you consider Chicken to be the bio mother? Or the egg donor? I know that technically, she is an egg donor, but it seems significant that she is biologically related to the boys. Can you comment on this.

At birth, were boys born early, what did they weigh, were they healty? Which was born first?

I met the boys, but it was hard for me in the short visit to distinguish them apart yet. How is Grunter different from W2 in temperment, character? How are they different and alike? Play, language, etc.

Church on the Down Low

2011-11-06T22:00:00.004-05:00

We went to church today. No, my blog hasn't been hijacked.

I am, for lack of a label, somewhat agnostic, a bit Buddhist and more 'spiritual' than anything else.
Chicken has been getting close to the idea of God being your higher power for quite a few years now.
We both grew up "in the church"; she in a quite liberal Methodist where the idea of hell was never really preached about and me in a very conservative Southern Baptist where you are reminded of hell constantly.
While neither of us believe that Jesus is the actual son of God, we do both agree that he was a great (misunderstood) man in his day who had that 'certain something'. Was he a prophet? I dunno. I guess it depends on your definition. To me, I believe he was a great leader--much like Ghandi and MLK.

When I remind myself to live with full awareness, I am a much nicer person. Having children has made me more aware of how I treat people, the things I say, the tone I say it, my critiques and praises. I do want my children to grow up to be good, kind boys and men. Don't we all? I know that I need to model the behavior.
I don't need to go to church to make this happen. It's not about that.

But. For a long time now (before pregnancy) Chicken and I have talked about being a part of a spiritual community**. One where we are not judged and we agree somewhat with the message. Mostly, because of my upbringing, Christianity scares me senseless. I've heard and seen so much hatred and bigotry spewed that it's made me believe, "Wow, if that's what Jesus would do this world is in deep shit." I distrust organized religion. Wars break out over which God is the right God.
I think that God is what you make of him/her. He is just that--yours. He is the Jews and the Christians and the Buddhists and the Muslims and the Hindus. He is the same God. No need to fight....

And Jesus....who ever he really was....he preached love. And forgiveness. And some seriously awesome life lessons.
I mean....if we really all lived our lives based on love....how beautiful and peaceful would this world be?

So we found this church. It's one of those new kinds of churchs with a live rock band on the stage and you meet in an auditorium and it's filled with hundreds of (mostly) white 20-30 somethings. You know, the kind of church where the volunteers hand out gum and granola bars on street corners and slip you a little card about how cool their church is? Their non-churchy church. Just come as you are. Jesus love you.

We've talked about going to this non-churchy (me: "It could be a cult.") church, so this morning we decided to just GO. It's fairly near our place, the times worked with the kids schedule and why yes, they did have excellent child care facilities.

I admit I walked in completely skeptical. I can't even remember the last time I willingly went to a church service, but I'm guessing more than 20+ years ago. I am sure that I gave everyone a bit of my "I don't trust you Jesus freak" look. Except that these people really were pretty cool. And nice. And real. But still, they were at church! Uh....but so was I. Hmmm.
There were free bagels and coffee and tea and really nice people. That is so suspicious!!
We went straight up to the child care to check things out and spend some time before going to the service. I honestly thought the boys would flip out and I'd pack them up and say "See! We weren't meant to go to church!" Except that they loved it and didn't cry when we left and didn't freak out while we were gone for one hour and 20 minutes and W2 didn't even really notice when we came back he was having so much FUN. Free child care on a Sunday morning. And bagels? Hmmmm.

The service opened with live music and the words were projected on a screen at the stage if you wanted to have a sing-a-long. The musicians were very talented but the words did freak me out. I seriously thought about leaving when the lead singer did that 'thing' where you sway and put your hand up as you sing (reaching to God?). That shit is just freaky to me.
But I stayed. And the (preacher?) was young. And had a great message and said (mostly) things that I could agree with. The message was--overwhelmingly--about love. And I can't deny that sitting there for an hour listening to him speak made me remind myself to live my life with more awareness.

That can't be a bad thing.
Having a community of nice people who accept you and your family with open arms, that can't be a bad thing, right?
I don't know. We'll give it another shot next week and see how we feel.

I know one thing for sure: I cannot tell my mother!!! Oh, the confusion this would cause that poor woman. (Who AM I?)
For now, my church-going is on the down low.

**For the record, the Unitarians were our first choice, but the church is too far and the service too late for the kid's schedule. Ditto the MCC (gay church). This one worked. We'll see if it keeps working.

Tea Time

2011-11-05T22:51:00.001-04:00

Every morning the boys watch with great interest as we make ourselves a very elaborate double shot latte.*
When I'm done steaming my milk and dusting it with cinnamon, they get to dip a finger in and taste.
They know these little cups are special because the mommies use them.

So, for the last week, we've started evening "tea time".
After dinner, we bring out the cups with 'tea' (water) and practice drinking. I don't care if the get themselves and everything wet because it's the end of the day anyway.

Grunter got the hang of it quickly but W2 feels the need to tongue everything. Needs work.

Eventually they will get it. I'd love to travel without any special cups, spoons, etc. It's possible in 4 months, right? We won't have a D/W and in the humid conditions...those straws...could be pretty yucky.

When did you transition to only an open cup? How long did it take?

**Before I was pregnant a very bitter woman told us to sell our espresso machine because once we had a baby we would never have the time to make 'fancy' coffee again. Well, we have made them for 21 months. Our love of good espresso is that strong.**

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Dirt! Dirt! Clean! Clean!

2011-11-04T22:50:00.003-04:00

My boys love to clean. They hate dirt. Um, we might have had something to do with this.
I really hope they aren't going to end up terribly OCD about the state of clean, because right now--dirty things drive them crazy.
Not getting dirty.
But a dirty floor. Kitty litter. When something spills or drops on the floor or the table. They need to pick it up, clean it up.
They learned months ago to go get a wipe or a paper towel and clean up. Also, they live for the morning hand vac session (the bathroom gets cleaned every morning because the kitty litter box is in there). They won't step foot in the bathroom until the 'dirt dirt' has been cleaned up. Hey, I don't like feeling kitty litter on my bare feet either, who can blame them?
And oh yeah, they give good vac.
When they are in the bathtub, they love to take the wash cloth and scrub the sides of the tub and walls--and people, they have never seen ME do that.
But I do have a habit of picking up bits of kitty litter off the living room carpet when we are sitting and playing....
They love, love, love to throw dirty things away. They hate seeing garbage on the street--because they know it belongs in the trash can!
They've been throwing their own diapers in the trash can for months and bringing their dirty clothes to the laundry.
It's awesome. They really do imitate what they see every day and I guess they see me doing a lot of cleaning!
They really are my worker bees and it's great how much they just always want to 'help'. I hope it lasts!

Here's a cute video of some cleaning in action: We decided to carve pumpkins with the twins....FUN! Oh yeah, they picked up every single pumpkin seed afterwards and took them to the trash can.

Hello Brother, Hello Sister

2011-11-03T12:10:00.000-04:00

We've got 1/2 sibs out there. Looks like 8 that I know of. Most of them on the East Coast.
Whoa.

Last year I started to sign up for the Donor Sibling Registry--paid the $50 and everything, but then Chicken wasn't so keen on the idea so I didn't go through with it.

This year she's had some time to think about it and so last week I signed up for the free registry on CCB. And....then I got an email. Single mom with a 4 year old. Lives about an hour away.
I was stunned. I knew there was someone in NY and I had a feeling they could be in the area, but still...there's nothing like the knowing.
There's a couple in PA, RI, MA, Seattle and Portland. Some families with twins, some with singletons. Heavy on the boys.
We've started connecting on FB. I've seen the photos and heard about the similarities. It's crazy.

The mom who made initial contact has met all of the other families and kids.
Well....we have always wanted to visit Seattle and Portland....now we have a really good reason to make it happen!

I'm excited. I came from a very small family and don't have a close relationship with my siblings at all. The boys have us and they have each other, but they only have one close cousin through Chicken's family and none close by.

This past week we had the chance to watch "Donor Unknown" on PSB and I thought, "Yeah, I want to go forward with this. I want to see if we can find the other families. I want to give my kids the opportunity for a bigger family." If, when they are older and they choose something else, then that is up to them.

For those of you who saw this documentary--did you cringe when you found out how the 'star' donor #150 turned out 20 years later? Brilliant, but a crazy stoner?
Chicken and I just looked at each other and said, "Oh god I hope our donor turns out ok." We do have an open donor, so in just 16 short years our sons might also be taking a trip to California looking for some answers. And whatever they find, I hope we can all handle it with grace.

In the meantime...looks like we're going to do some more family-building after all.

It's True, I Signed Up for NaBloPoMo

2011-11-02T22:17:00.002-04:00

And I mean I officially signed up. Never been that committed before, but things are a-changing around here.
I've always got a ton of 'posts' that I'm writing in my head plus I have a lot of drafts going, so I know I've got the material--I just have to get it out there.

The other thing....and I've been thinking about this a LOT....is that I'm thinking of taking this show out on a bigger road. No, I'm not going to try my hand at stand up comedy.
But, I do need a job of sorts. Anything that will pay me even a little bit of money would be nice.
And I like writing. I have an established blog. And for some reason, people stop by here every day. Quite a few people.
When I get an email from a total stranger saying "thank you for writing this"....well. WOW. Thank YOU for reading.

I didn't start this blog to make money. I had no idea what I was doing when I started. All I knew was that I'd been lurking around reading everyone else's blog for over a year and there were things I needed to say! I still don't know what I'm doing (hello, have you seen my generic template?!) but I finally have a bit of 'free' time to work, learn and put forth more effort into my little blog.

Blogging has been an amazing form of therapy for me. I have formed so many relationships, made friends and been able to be a part of a community that never would have existed in my 'real life'.
That community started out as lesbians TTC, then my circle grew to include infertility, then women trying to conceive through egg donation, then to pregnant with twins and raising twins and lesbian families and gay dads and now....I'm branching out to the travel families.
So many of us ended up here because of the TTC process. Many of us left after 'goal achieved'. Some of us kept blogging...sporadically....because life with a newborn sure does take away your blogging time. Others decided they were too private to be a mommy blogger and put there family 'out' there.
I've had my own experience with a crazy lady or two that made me think twice about whether to go private or even shut down the blog altogether.

In the end, I decided to keep writing. Put it all out there--I am who I am. If I'm able to find a way to make some money off my blog while still staying true to the Pufferfish, I hope you will support me and keep reading.

Or maybe you'll at least stick around for the cute photos.

Who needs a step stool when you can wash your hands and brush your teeth while standing on top of the kitty litter box? (more space savings tips from "How to Live in a One Bedroom Apartment with Twins" coming up!)

I believe Grunter tried to push W2 off right after I took this photo.

But, oh the love. If only for a moment!

Yes, we have a map of the world as our shower curtain.

I like to learn geography on the toilet.

Buzz

2011-11-01T22:27:00.001-04:00

The Queen Bees and Their Worker Bees

As an adult, I have had the lamest Halloween costumes. Chicken and I are usually too cheap and too lazy to do the holiday right.

Last year, I made sure the boys had adorable costumes for their first Halloween, but we didn't bother to dress up at all. When I saw how many other parents were dressed up with their kids, I vowed to do things differently!

This year, by the beginning of September, I knew what we were going to be and had everything ordered. Go me!

We had so much fun out with the boys (even if they don't look so thrilled--they were a little overwhelmed!) and went to a couple of parties Friday and Sunday.

Monday evening we took the boys trick or treating for the first time. In true NYC style, we hit 4 bars, a nail salon, a Chinese massage parlor (where they took many photos of us), a Mexican grocery, a coffee shop, 2 restaurants and a pizza joint.

When we got home I taught them the true spirit of Halloween: Mommy gets the good stuff and the crappy stuff goes to the trick or treaters now knocking on our door! (Bonus: no candy to buy!)
Our baby bees then happily handed out all of their candy and went to bed--which never would've happened if they'd actually eaten any of the candy--and we ate the snickers.

This morning when we were getting ready to go out they were both asking for "Bee Bee". After 3 days of playing dress up, how do you explain it's all over?!

Can't wait til next year...I've already got some ideas brewing....

A Place of Beauty Destroyed by Nature

2011-10-29T13:50:00.000-04:00

I was looking for updates on the current flooding situation of Bangkok when I stumbled upon the news that flash floods have wiped out some of the villages of the Cinque Terre in Italy.
While it's been quite a few years since I visited these 5 unique villages--linked by a series of footpaths--my vacation here ranks as a favorite for Chicken and me (and we've got a lot to compare it to--see list at right!)
Only a few months ago, Ruby, Rose and G stayed in the same apartments we rented in Manarola. I'm devastated to think of the damage this village sustained and that others no longer exist and may never be rebuilt.
My heart goes out both to the residents of Bangkok and the northern regions--whose homes have been flooded and possibly destroyed--and the villagers of the Cinque Terre for whom life has been changed forever.

And here...in NYC...it's only October and snowing. Time to start the countdown to Costa Rica.

Smarty Pants

2011-10-28T20:38:00.001-04:00

When my grandfather died over 20 years ago, my grandmother wanted me to have his hand-carved wooden drum. It was the first thing I ran to when visiting their house.

Today, for the first time, the boys were allowed to play with it. They loved it!

But when Whoop Whoop tried to sit on it, I told him it was to play with--not for sitting or standing.
I guess he really wanted to sit on it because a minute later he retrieved his step stool and carefully put it on the drum and sat down.
Because he knows he's allowed to sit there.
Mr. Smarty Pants was clearly impressed with himself.
I'm in trouble!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Twisting, Turning

2011-10-27T16:59:00.000-04:00

As usual, I find I have so many things to say I get writer's block and don't say anything at all.

One of my best friends in the entire world is pregnant. With twins. Saw the heartbeats today. She has been pregnant before--more times than I can even remember--and it's never come this far this well. I am so excited for her I shed tears of joy upon hearing the news. Send out good vibes to the universe to make this one right and see this pregnancy through to the end. She so deserves it. I love you LadyKat.

I've been doing a lot of researching and pondering and reading and (obsessing) about education for the twins. Four new Montessori/Waldorf (yes, I know they are different for for now, they seem quite similar) books sit by my bed and Chicken and I lay in bed wordlessly combing through them.
For me, less is more and I find myself very attracted to these types of schooling. I want free form play. I don't want TV (yet) or iPads or batteries or noise. I see my boys outside in nature everyday (yes, here in NYC!) playing in the piles of leaves and splashing in the puddles and I see sunshine and joy on their faces in the simple things in life.

We can't afford Montessori or Waldorf preschool. The prices are ridiculous. If we sent our boys to private school we would be spending over a MILLION dollars before we ever even sent them off to university. That is insane.
Chicken talks of sending them to a 2x2 program and I think of doing it all myself at home until they are...four?
Chicken talks of buying 2 plastic helicopters (probably flashing with lights and sounds) because "they like helicopters" and I tell her we have a lot of fun spotting the helicopters in the sky and walking by the helipad to watch them (loudly!) take off/land. Chicken wants to buy them more! more! more! toys because "Everyone else has a ton of toys" and I look at her like she has sprouted a new head. She's not really serious. But she is...sort of. And meanwhile I'm trying to get rid of toys because I think they have too many as it is.
I don't know where this is going to end up. We are OK, don't get me wrong. But I see some hiccups on the road to parenting that I did not anticipate. We agree on just about everything when it comes to how we raise the kids, but I think as time progresses I'm really tapping into my inner (homeschooling?) hippie-like type mom and Chicken is...well, she's a Type A New Yorker.

I fantasize about saving up enough money and world schooling/traveling for a year (or more) with the boys. That would be cheaper than a year of preschool and more educational, right? I've been tapping into a whole different blogosphere--familes traveling together--and I'm hooked. But that should come as no surprise. My goal is to convince Chicken we have to do this. Her goal is to convince me we need to be saving for our 401K and retirement. My goal then becomes to convince her how cheap it is to retire in developing countries and with the worldly education our boys will have received they will be willing and ready to support their old mom's in their old age. And besides...what if I die at 50 or some other hideously young age? I can be crazy to live with. I am aware of this:)

This past weekend we went upstate to the MIL's house. It was our first visit there since the Christmas holidays last year. I think she got the message that if you aren't going to play nice, we aren't going to come visit you because she was on much better behavior and we all had a very pleasant weekend. They had the TV on and they fed the kids sugar and I tried not to freak out too much about either of these things. I'm honestly less freaky about the TV than the sugar.
She sent the boys home on the train with a bag full of some kinds of mystery O's. It's an hour and 1/2 train ride down the Hudson River and I have never seen Grunter so attached to any type of food but O how he wanted these O's. And then, I tasted one. Sugar, omg so much sugar! The kid was singing at the top of his lungs and bolting for the aisle and banging on the glass and speaking in crazy tongues. On the trip up? Not so much. Pretty calm.

They'd been eating these O's all weekend...and all weekend having a hard time going to sleep or calming down.
So, I try really hard not to give them things with sugar. Because they are crazy enough already. But I make them muffins. And while I sub out or 1/2 some of the sugar, I DO bake with sugar and they DO eat things with sugar from time to time. And I have offered them cheeseburger and fries and pizza. Yep. And they don't want any of those lovely items. But sugar O's, please please mommy please.

The shopping. Good lord I had no idea how much shopping you have to do when you have kids. It's no secret that I really don't like shopping. Chicken HATES it so she's no help in that department. I can't even tell you how many freaking hours I've spent searching and reviewing rain coats and rain boots and sneakers and fall jackets and winter coats and snow suits and hats and gloves and an ENTIRE new wardrobe x 2 of everything Size 2T because my boys jumped from a size 9-12 months on their first birthday to an (almost) 2 T and 26 lbs by the end of summer.
Shoes. Why are there so many shoes to choose from?! I adore Za.ppos but I get overwhelmed. I can't even imagine if I had 2 girls. Good grief. Whoop Whoop went from a size 5 to a size 7 in less than 3 months. Now he's almost a 7.5. I don't know how much money we've spent in the last couple of months 'outfitting' them. I knew kids were expensive but I really didn't see it like this!

I made a killing at Baby G.ap yesterday. I never shop there because the prices are ridiculous but I got all sale items PLUS 40% off and ended up with 7 items for $52. Score!
After that I hit a few things at Baby O.ld Navy with an extra 25% off and then ended up with some super buys at Marshalls. I have always been a bargain shopper but now I'm on every mailing list out there and hunt down the sales. I wish we had a good resale shop here but sadly almost everything resale in the city means some sort of used Baby P.rada like outfit that is still 10x more expensive than the G.ap sale stuff. And I just do not have the time or patience to hunt down the non-crap stuff at our (overpriced) city Goodwill.
The only way I'm going to save up enough money for long-term travel is for the boys to stop growing so I can stop shopping!!! (which would be OK because this age? I LOVE THIS AGE.)

The hole is still residing in my stomach and Grunter loves to grab at the roll while he nurses to remind me that it's there alrighty. I have done nothing, 100% nothing, towards making it go away. I keep saying I'm going to go to the gym or to yoga or to pilates and maybe someday...when my to-do list is done and when I've caught up on all your blogs and I've written all the blog posts that are rattling around in my head I will. Maybe I won't. Maybe the fact that I can fit two fingers in the middle of my stomach where my muscles used to be will just be my reminder that I housed two precious, wonderful babies in that stomach.

I Think You're Amazing

2011-10-12T13:04:00.000-04:00

These boys are growing up so fast. I keep thinking I will write it all down and I don't. Then I kick myself for making muffins instead of writing. But we need to eat...
I waste too much time in the evenings doing mindless things because I am too brain dead to write. I can cook/clean/bake (some nights) but writing is much harder for me.

Since we hired a PT nanny, I can tell an huge difference in how I am feeling toward life, the kids, the Chicken, even the cat. I guess we are all better moms when we have a little break for ourselves.
I didn't know I'd be quite so fragile as a mom. I didn't know how hard it would be to 'try to do it all'. I hate that I want and need help (both in the form of drugs and other people) to be my best. Looking back at their first year, I now see so clearly how depressed I was and just how bad it was. I can't believe that I denied I had PPD. It took me a long time, but I'm so glad I finally admitted it.

I do get sad when I read the birth stories of new moms and then the glowing posts following those first days/weeks/months with the new baby/babies. I don't remember feeling any of that glow. I wish my memories of when they were babies were a bit happier, but they aren't and I can't do anything to change that. I really hate that I look at little babies and think, "Oh my god I'm so glad we don't have a tiny baby anymore". I love babies, don't get me wrong. I have always LOVED my babies. But, this age....now is so magical and amazing and wonderful. Part of it is me and where I am now and part of it is them.
But oh my! If I had a penny for every kiss they've had since birth I would be a millionaire. I adore them in ways that I did not in the beginning. Chicken admits this, too. Two colicy babies are quite difficult to bond with even without battling PPD.

Earlier this week I was going back through some of my old posts from pregnancy trying to tap back in to how I was feeling. So many things have happened since then and I honestly couldn't remember 'where' I was then. I came across the 3D ultrasound photos we had done at 20 and 22 weeks and it was amazing. I had not looked at these photos since the boys were born and I was blown away. I knew immediately who was who. It was so clear--at 20 weeks! That is so crazy.

I am trying to let the past go. I was the best mom I could be at the time. I wasn't the happiest mommy but I must've smiled enough because my boys sure are some happy kids with great smiles. Now, I can go forward and soak up every moment with them.
Our best time--and my favorite part of the entire day--is the bedtime routine (and no, not because they are going to bed, but because they are so sweet!). I love it so much, I draw it out a very long time.

We take a bath or shower by 6 and do lotion, diaper and pj's by 6:30. Grunter pushes my shoulder and says "down" and I obey laying down on a double stack of Boppy's on the bedroom floor. He nurses and Whoop Whoop sometimes plays with his blocks or sometimes drives a car on my head or sometimes straddles me and bounces or sometimes just hangs out on the side that isn't occupied by Grunter. When Grunter is ready to switch sides, he commands W2 to "move!" and W2 happily comes to my other side. I have to nudge Grunter off eventually and tell them to go sit on their step stools so we can brush teeth. When this is done we roll around on the floor tickling and kissing until I put them in their cribs, put on their sleep sacks and they demand Book Book!
I pull up the desk chair and situate it at the corner of their cribs (which are placed in an L shape) and we read a book. "Mas Mas!" they demand holding up a finger. Of course I give in at least once if not twice.
When we are done Whoop Whoop reaches over to hug and kiss Grunter who may or may not let him. It's the cutest thing ever.
Now it's time to turn off the light and I go to the lamp counting 1-2-3 both in English and in Spanish.
The lights go off, usually with W2 protesting "mas" or "book".

A long time ago I would do all of this topless and they would stand up in their cribs and I would nurse them both standing up. Gives a whole new meaning to 'nurse to sleep', huh? But then W2 weaned and what's the point of brushing their teeth and now if I have my shirt off Grunter still wants to nurse and W2....well, let's just say he still likes to 'handle' the boobage if allowed!
Up until recently I would sing them songs and rub their backs and try to tiptoe out while I was still singing. They--especially Whoop Whoop--didn't like knowing I was leaving.

But we've entered a new phase--the rhythm is always changing--and I started to pick them up while I sing to them giving them each precious moments of special quiet time with Mommy.
"Up Up Up" demands Grunter.
I hold each one close to me--they are great about waiting their 'turn'--and they lay their head on my shoulder as we rock and sway in the darkness. Grunter will sometimes hold me and pat my back while W2 likes to hug you so tightly he trembles. It's the same with his kisses. He has such intensity he sometimes bites you--little love bites.
I put them back in the crib and kneel down on the ground so I'm on their level. They come to the sides and we kiss through the slats and giggle.
I sing some more and rub back and head more and Grunter usually stands up a couple of times to hug me and tilts his head up indicating that he would like a kiss. My heart melts. They are such sweethearts.
"Nigh Nigh" Grunter says. "Bye" Whoop Whoop says. Sometimes I hear a "Ciao" and will hear them fussily blowing kisses.
I tell them I love them over and over and over.

I stand outside the door and listen to them babble to each other. I can hear Grunter tossing and turning and Whoop Whoop chatters to himself as he reviews his day complete with lots of "No mine", "doo doo" (Choo Choo Train, his new favorite thing/word) and "Mommy". Many times 10-15 minutes will pass and suddenly I'll hear squeals of laughter from one or both. Who knows? W2 keeps up the chatter for at least 45 minutes most nights while Grunter falls asleep more quickly.

Sleep tight, boys. Mommy loves you more than you'll ever know.

I think you're amazing.

I Didn't Miss Her at All

2011-10-06T11:46:00.000-04:00

And when she showed up last night I screamed like a tween-age girl, so surprised and slightly scared to see her again.
It had been two years and five months. That's a mighty long hiatus but I knew....sooner or later she'd show up again. Damn her.
Even breast feeding couldn't keep her away forever.
Time to break open the box of O.B.'s again.

There's a hole in my stomach where my muscle should be

2011-09-29T13:58:00.003-04:00

After 20 months of wondering, I've finally learned the truth. I have diastasis.
Which basically means that my stomach muscles separated during pregnancy because I was so freaking huge. And that without a whole lotta specific ab type of work, I will never get my body "back" to the way it used to be.
I'd brought up my concerns to a couple of pilate instructors in the past about this, but (without examining me) they declared that I probably didn't have it because I'm fairly thin. And I am. But, no matter what, there's this poochy, jiggly, sticky outy belly thing going on.
Even the trainer who examined me on Tuesday initially said I didn't have it.
And then she stuck two fingers straight into my stomach. It's so freaky.

Where I live, there's a stroller fit class once a week (for free) and I did it for the first time on Tuesday (after 20 months! Go me! Haha.) She's trained in the Julie Tupler technique and I don't know....maybe I'll see about some sessions with her to try to get rid of it and strengthen my core.
I admit there's 1/2 of me that says "You're 42, you had twins, who cares?" And the other less self-assured 1/2 that says "You're only 42, why not look your best and get rid of the mummy tummy?"

Anyone else get this and have you done any work on it--like the Tupler technique?

Here's a link to some great before and after photos. If I do this, I'm aiming for #12!

Life Changing Blogs and Winter Adventures

2011-09-21T11:59:00.002-04:00

Back in July when Whoop Whoop abruptly decided to wean himself, I spent a fair amount of time googling for 'toddlers/breastfeeding/weaning'. Alas, I did not find any stories that paralleled my own.

However, what I did find ended up changing the direction of my life. It certainly helped me come to some of the decisions discussed in my previous post.

I randomly stumbled upon Tripping Mom blog written by a Brazilian single mom--a surfer chic who is traveling and currently living with her young daughter in Costa Rica. After reading her very well written post on breastfeeding her toddler, I was hooked.

You know how you find a blog and instantly you want to read the entire story--every single post? Yeah. That's what happened (I still haven't gotten through the entire blog). I was so smitten with this woman and how she was living her life and raising her daughter (although we agree to disagree on some things....) that I reached out to her via email and we started communicating. We clicked. Sometimes it's just like that.

Her blog led me to other blogs. Traveling families, single dads traveling with a toddler, single moms traveling with teens. So many people out there seeing the world with their children. I had already been following the adventures of a family with twin boys who biked from Alaska to Argentina. Theirs was armchair travel as I have no interest in extreme bike riding. But slow travel, educating my kids on the road....yes that was very appealing to me.

Moving to a place where we knew no one, strapped with mortgage and auto debt, surrounded by red necks and homophobes and relentless heat? Was moving to Florida what we really wanted? We could not continue to travel if we made this move. Wouldn't we rather take the money and find a better use for it?

Many late night discussions with Chicken led us both to the realization that we were obsessed with finding a 'new and better' place to live when really what we should be concentrating on was how to survive the winter doldrums.

I love nothing more than a new project to obsess over! Now, I just had to find a way to get through winter.

Something I never blogged about last winter--because it sounded so insane (and it was)--was when Chicken got it in her head that because she could work anywhere with an internet connection, we should try to sublet our apartment and go somewhere warm for the winter. With 13 month old toddler twins. You know, just a jaunt halfway around the world to say, Thailand or Malaysia or maybe somewhere closer like South or Central America. But a place with enough western amenities to have comfort and a nice beach and safe and good medical care and WiFi and an airport close by and cheap and and and. Oy Veh. It was a tall order. And the twins weren't even a year old. We had no idea if they would be walking or what by 13 months old. What about cribs and highchairs and play equipment and baby proofing? In the end, I DID find a couple of places and we could have made it work, but I finally told her it was a crazy idea and it wouldn't be fun and I called the whole thing off.

This past Spring when they started walking we looked back at that idea and thought Oh My GOD. What were we thinking?!

So, where am I going with this? (a) We are a little bit crazy--but you already knew this. (b) We are a lot travel obsessed. (c) I had a head start on my new project (d) Tripping Mom

In the end, we believe we have found a solution to the New York City winter doldrums.

We have rented out a 3 bedroom beach front house in a small village in Costa Rica for March 2012.

Chicken is taking 2 weeks vacation and working the other 2 weeks.

The boys will be 24 months old and we won't have the same worries as we had for them last winter. There is a Waldorf bilingual preschool nearby and the owner has agreed to enroll the twins for the month. They will attend 'school' from 8am-12pm, 2-3 times a week.

There are no paved roads, no TV in the house, no A/C. We are in front of a gorgeous toddler-friendly beach. We have a beautiful gated yard. We are renting bikes with toddler seats for getting around (and bringing our own helmets). We'll be visiting the farmer's market every Saturday morning with the locals. There are howler monkeys in the jungle nearby and a two-toed sloth lives on our property.

It's pretty perfect.

But even better--Chicken's mom and step dad are coming to stay the first week, her dad the third week and my parents are arriving for the fourth week. They will all get to spend quality time with their grandsons and between preschool/family care Chicken and I will both get a true break.

Not a bad way to spend the last (and in my opinion, worst) month of winter.....

The money we saved this summer by NOT hiring a nanny and NOT going to Florida on a scouting trip (minus the extra money I spent on espresso to make it through those days!) made it possible to pay for the house--it was a great deal at $1500/month. Plus, all of the parental units will be dividing the costs, so it's practically nothing. We are paying for two of the plane tickets (about $1100 total) and getting two free with our frequent flier miles.

Even with the added cost of food, restaurants, entertainment, transport, preschool and bike rentals it's much less than what most families of four spend on a two week vacation.

I have averaged that we will spend $20/day (each).

Why am I telling you the costs? Because, I think most people falsely assume that travel has to be expensive and that they cannot afford it. Also, because we are not rich and we manage to make it work. We cut costs in other areas of our lives to add money to the travel fund. It's important to us and as long as we stay within our means we will continue to travel with our kids.

We both believe this is one of the best educational opportunities we can give them--the chance to see the world, learn another language (or two or three), appreciate how others live and value the differences.

Thank you Tripping Mom. You changed my life.

Someone Else's Dream (warning--long)

2011-09-20T12:26:00.000-04:00

I feel like I spent the first 1/2 of this summer deep in pro/con land. Should we move? Should we stay? I'm not a person who makes decisions quickly. This has served me well in life. But more than that, it's simply my nature. I research, I ponder, I examine the line-by-line financial picture, I make pro/con lists and then I think some more.

We had a running joke for most of May. At the end of the day we would say, "Was it a Florida day or a New York day?" It went back and forth for both of us--sometimes multiple times a day.

The trip we planned to take--meet with the realtors, house hunting--kept getting pushed back and back.

And then....there were more and more New York City days. Now, of course summer had something to do with it. The weather was (mostly) gorgeous and there are tons of things to do each and everyday. But more than that, things just became...easier.

I realized that big decisions should never be made while developmental milestones (learning to walk) are taking place! The 'should we move to Florida' came directly upon 'twins are now walking and life is crazy!'

Now, they are practically running, but life is not as crazy. The novelty of walking wore off. They stopped throwing their shoes at the door at 8am every morning. They became better listeners and learned to hold mommy's hand outside. They know that if mommy says she is going to count to 3, mommy means business and I rarely get beyond counting to 2.

So yeah, things changed.

But what hit me in mid-July....was that I was trying to live someone else's dream. This big house in Florida was never my dream. I'm a 'downsize' kind of girl, not a '3,000 square foot house' lady. I'm a 'less is more', not 'buy into the American dream that bigger is better'. We both were seduced by the idea that we could afford a house like that. A house we could never buy here. A house with a pool and a yard and a playroom.

But a pool and a yard and a playroom doesn't solve problems. Living close to the ocean or having a swimming pool if you can't take two toddlers there by yourself doesn't solve problems. Living half the year with oppressive heat is almost as bad as living here with the crappy, freezing winters.

I don't want to be tied down to a house. The housing market in Florida is complete shit. If we bought something there we had better be ready to stay there for 10-15 years. I've never stayed in any one place that long in my entire life. We want to travel, maybe move abroad or do a sabbatical. We need the freedom to do that. And I'm not saying it can't be done if you own a home, but it's sure a lot easier to change things and take off when you live in a small apartment. Not to mention the direct flights NY offers to oh, just about anywhere.

We don't know jack shit about working on a house or fixing anything more than a burnt out lightbulb. I am not fond of painting or spackling or mowing lawns or sanding or cleaning pools (or huge houses). I am not very good at those things (and Chicken only used a hammer for the first time last year), so together we'd be spending a chunk of change to pay someone else to do all of these things. That doesn't make financial sense and it certainly doesn't sound fun.

And speaking of finances--after calculating the moving costs, the new furniture, etc (um, we don't have enough stuff to fill a house!), the car/s, the myriad of insurance policies, the yearly flights to visit both sets of parents, the cost of private school (because the public schools are crap)....well. Well. We certainly wouldn't save any money and in fact, we'd be spending more. Potentially putting ourselves in debt. We worked hard and saved for too many years in order to achieve zero debt. I really have no interest in going back to a shaky finance lifestyle. The paycheck to paycheck existence and constantly checking balances was a life lived with great stress and not one I care to re-visit.

Yes, Chicken has a great internal work-from-home job. For now. Will she always want to do this? What are the options for her in Florida? Not many. And what about me? I'm not always going to be a SAHM. And I don't have a clue what I'm going to 'be' next. I've always been good at reinvention but NYC has definitely made that an easy option. I have no true career. I need a place with many choices.

After walking around day after day trying to imagine what my life would be like that day in Florida, I realized that I really, really like my life here.

Sure, the winter sucks. I don't like it. Walking around in the freezing wind and rain with your stroller wrapped in plastic sucks. But I love the summer and fall and spring isn't bad. Yes, winter with infant twins was rough. But this winter will be different because they are walking and running and capable of so much more. Every winter and every year will be different whereas my life before children was pretty much the same season after season. That is exciting and that sounds fun.

Life in NYC with twins can be hard. You have to walk pretty much everywhere (at least I do) and getting off this island can be time consuming and expensive. But I'd much rather pop the kids in the stroller and go across the street for milk everyday (in the heat or cold or rain) than deal with getting them in and out of a car and then into a shopping cart and back into the car and meltdowns while you drive and you can't do anything about it....

I'll take walking and stroller pushing thank you very much. It keeps me fit, it's interesting for the kids (they are excellent in the stroller), I can do all of my errands with them and I can be right there for them and pull over any time (although I've never had to--unlike the car!).

NYC gets me outside multiple times a day whether I like it or not. I don't have the option of staying inside all day long. For someone who is prone to depression and can easily stay inside for days at a time (pre-kids), this is an excellent set up. If I had a big house and yard and pool, well.....I can see myself sending Chicken for milk and not leaving because 'it's too hot and it's too much hassle'. I can see it and it would not be good for me at all.

This past Spring/Summer we've established a wonderful community of moms in our neighborhood. We have a FB group and we get together weekly if not on a daily basis. We share ideas and strategies. We make play dates for certain playgrounds/sprinklers. We meet up at the indoor kids space when it's too hot or rainy. We have 4th of July picnics and pizza parties on the lawn. We bring toys outside and pool them so that all the kids have a toy buffet. We share our snacks (OK, I don't like that part so much...), loan books and give away too-small shoes. Sometimes we even get a babysitter and have a girl's night out just to talk about the kids while drinking beer:). I even started a babysitting co-op so that we swap out free babysitting insuring we all get a date night--which all parents need.

Some of these new friends have really surprised me. I didn't really expect 90% (or more) of my mom friends to be 100% straight. And a fair number are church/mosque/temple going religious types. But you know what, they have accepted Chicken and I and our family without hesitation and I have found myself questioning how I feel about religious people much as some of them have probably found themselves thinking a bit harder about gay/lesbian families.

I do wish we had a few more lesbian mom friends we hung out with regularly. But none of them live close to us and getting together and connecting with children in tow has proven to be extremely sporadic. We mainly stay in our neighborhood and have a new set of friends I never expected but in fact, had always hoped for.

When we were thinking of moving out of NYC, we said the only thing that might make us stay is if we found an affordable 2 bedroom with some outdoor space. Guess what? Our name came up on a brand new building housing lottery--a 2 bedroom, rent-stabilized apartment on a high floor (25th floor) with a terrace and a view and a rooftop outdoor space. Just what we thought would make us happy.

But the rent is over a thousand dollars more and the building is next door to the projects and we can't even use the area parks because they are so filthy and crappy. The neighborhood is great if you are young and single or childless, but after walking about a few times, we realized that while we'd be adding square footage 'space' to our lives--we wouldn't be improving the quality of our lives in this neighborhood.

So we are staying. We like it right here. In our cozy (rent-stabilized) one bedroom with our bed in the corner of the living room. It's nice. It's really, really nice. Maybe we'll put up a wall eventually and have a real bedroom. Maybe we'll move into a true 2 bedroom. Maybe we'll end up in Brooklyn with tons of other lesbians.

But for now, there's no moving anywhere in our future. We don't obsessively talk and ponder it anymore and my GOD that is nice. Things are damn good and I feel more hopeful about raising kids in this city than I ever have before. We have made friends and have the sense of community that I was so longing for. I think my Vitamin Z also helped me come out of my funk and depression and negative state so that people wanted to be friends with me. I'm pretty sure I'm a nicer person now.

Boston?

2011-09-15T21:29:00.002-04:00

I know you're out there. Can you please comment if you live in Boston and use a reliable babysitter.

Help a Puffer out....

Also, if you want to leave me any helpful ideas of the top 3 things to do with 20 month old twins in early October (which could include a Sunday meet-up....), please do so!

xoxo

Puff

Potty Training Update

2011-09-14T12:39:00.006-04:00

We decided to go ahead and order the Baby Bjorn potty seats for the twins--one each.

They--and I--are not ready to begin the real process, but since they'd shown an interest in the big toilet and Whoop Whoop had used it a number of times, I thought, 'hey, why not?'

Interestingly enough, it's Grunter--not Whoop Whoop--who wants to sit on the potty and has gone pee quite a few times. It's so cute! He's so freaking proud of himself.

We will see what happens from here. No pressure. When we're all ready I'm going to try the na.ked 3-day potty training. The weather is too nice to do that right now!

And with most things that come in a box, the box is way more fun than than the product inside! W2 is obsessed with the broom and dust pan, so we have 2 small ones for each of them.

Grunter's got the best seat in the house to read with his dolly.

Story Time in the Box. Love it. Both books are upside down:)

19 Months

2011-09-09T12:36:00.004-04:00

Grunter

Whoop Whoop

Get the Balance Right

2011-09-09T12:06:00.002-04:00

When HN left our family, I panicked. I posted an ad for a nanny and the sheer amount of responses I received left me overwhelmed. As a slogged through them (over 200) and did a couple of interviews, the weeks kept passing.

Me and the kids. Figuring it all out. It was a lot, sure, but I was doing it. There was a feeling of pride that finally, I was doing this--I could do it alone.

Chicken was also able to help from time to time. Her work was flexible enough that she could take an hour or two in the afternoon and either give me a break or we'd go out and do something together and then she's work in the evening.

The summer continued. The boys were getting easier. The one-on-one time we spent and the message they got from ONLY me was really soaking in. They were better at listening and doing what I asked them to do and NOT doing what I asked them not to do. They didn't run away as often when outside. Things started to click, really click. Taking them to the playground was fine. It was all going OK.

But still, around 4pm, I needed a break most days. And as the summer went on I started to get antsy when Chicken couldn't take them out because she was too busy. I started to get short tempered and I found myself yelling at them a few times. That was horrible. I wasn't having as much fun. I hadn't had any time off to do anything. My to-do list just kept growing. I was exhausted and for the first time in my life I started to feel stiff and old when I woke up in the morning.

I had no time to get to the doctor or the dentist or anything that my double stroller couldn't fit through the door.

When Chicken could take them for an hour or by the time they went to bed, I either had to cook or I just wanted to sit/lay down and do nothing.

I remember one day Chicken asked me if I could "vacuum and mop on my break". I thought I would kill her. I did neither.

And then, by the end of July, Chicken started working non-stop. No more breaks, no more Chicken help. She worked all day and all night.

And my meds...well, I wasn't feeling so great anymore. It was a nice 6 month Vitamin Z run, but I had to up my dosage and admit that I couldn't do it all.

Finally, after 3 months of doing it solo (because while Chicken tried to do as much as possible, I certainly did feel at times that I was a single mother raising twins PLUS cooking, cleaning and shopping for another adult as well), I felt like I was cracking.

We have zero family help around us and there aren't any friend knocking at our door offering their services. I needed a nanny. I needed to do something for me. I needed a bit of time for Puff. And holy crap do I feel guilty about that. I feel like I should be able to do this by myself and not complain and not crack and just get it all done--perfectly.

I can't.

I also feel guilty that we are in a position where this is an option for us when it's not for most. I never saw my life this way and sometimes I feel very undeserving. I used to be the one taking care of someone's kids and cleaning their house and now I hire "me". It's weird.

I need to enjoy my kids and provide a good and loving example for them. I need to be a loving wife and supportive partner. I need to take better care of myself.

The other day I came home to find my hair only 1/2 in a ponytail, blood smeared on my forehead and my tits hanging out of my shirt because it had been pulled so far down by one of the kids. Oh, and I only had one sock on (that part I knew, but didn't want to run to the bedroom to find the other one). In a nutshell, I'm a hot mess. I didn't think I'd ever take the garbage to the hallway looking like this, let alone go OUT for hours and SEE other people. I'm skinny and I've got nice cleavage. That's about the only thing I've got going for me right now. I don't have any photos of me with the kids because I HATE the way I look. That has to change.

So, two weeks ago when Chicken had worked 22 days straight--I found a part time nanny. She's not hot, but she's awesome. She only speaks Spanish to the kids and they are already asking for "mas". She helps me out in the kitchen and cooking and cleaning and the kids laugh and play with her. She can handle both of them outside and asks all the right questions.

But the best is that I am enjoying my kids again at 4pm and at 6pm and again the next day at 9am because at 9am MsP is in the kitchen cleaning up the breakfast mess and all I have to do is play with my kids instead of trying to do it all while they want Mommy and they want to go outside, etc. It's awesome.

And, as Chicken said last night "between the meds and the nanny, you're so much nicer again". Which I'm pretty sure is a nice way to say, "I'm glad you aren't such a bitch anymore".

It's all about getting the balance right.

Hopefully you'll be seeing a bit more of me around here. I sure do miss you and I miss writing.

Toddler Bike Seat/Helmet Advice Needed

2011-08-23T13:21:00.003-04:00

Hello....

We are entering into the biking world with twins. So, we need great bike seats and helmets.

AND we need a bike seat that is lightweight, easy to install and.....can fit in a large suitcase.

Because there's a good chance these boys are going to be biking both in NYC and in far away lands....

So far, I'm sold on the iBert bike seat.

Helmet?

Thanks!

I Don't Need Help Wiping, But Thanks

2011-08-17T14:51:00.004-04:00

Warning: A whole lot of poop and TMI talk ahead.

We started in on some various methods of potty training.

Hippie Potty Training:

You let your kids be a 'part' of the experience. So, every morning--without fail, no matter what they are doing--when I announce that "Mommy has to poop, who wants to come watch?" I can guarantee you that they will follow me to the toilet like I am the Pied Pooper. W2, especially, likes to crouch down like an umpire waiting for the pitch (so to speak).

We started this about a month ago.

They are both really into watching the action, but possibly even more interested in 'helping' with the toilet paper and flushing. I give them each tiny pieces of TP and they put them in the toilet bowl over and over (no full squares!).

One day Grunter thought he'd 'help' me and proceeded to take his TP and start patting my pubic hair. Oh thanks honey, but we're not going to go there.

Elimination Communication:

You watch your kid for signs that he/she has to poop/pee.

We were out at the beach a couple of weeks ago and let the kids roam 'free', so I guess this also falls under Naked Potty Training (sort of). Out on the deck, I noticed W2 starting to walk with clenched butt checks and knees together. Hmmmmm.

I asked him if he needed to go poop. No, he shakes his head.

I ask him if he wants to try to go poop on the potty. He looks at me quizzically and very interested. We go in, I prop him up and in no time, he poops! In a strange house and a strange toilet!

Yeah!!

Last night before bath time, he indicated he wanted to go on the potty and I put him up there and he peed!

Then, Grunter wanted to try, so I put him on, but I didn't wait long enough and he peed on the floor afterwards. Oh well. Practice, practice.

So, here we are. I think we need to get some potty seats and start hanging out in them. What kind are best for boys and for small apartments? I'm going to need two.

Also, I want to do the potty training in 3 days. Anyone done this?

But, if I'm going to do this...and I don't know when I'm going to do this....then we have to move to toddler beds so they can get out and go to the bathroom, right??

Oh man. It's a whole lot to think about.

Hard Day's Night Off

2011-08-16T13:46:00.002-04:00

How many of you have taken a full 'day off' or 'night off'?

Have you spent the night away from your child/children? How old were they the first time?

Who took care of them?

I haven't had a full day or night off since the twins were born. That's almost 19 months of non-stop baby care. Granted, I've had help and I am so fortunate for that.

But, lately I'm really feeling like I need some time alone. For US to have some time alone.

It's hard, with the breast feeding and lack of family help. But I would even be willing to pump some again in order to take a bit of a break away.

These last 2 months with no nanny have been some of the toughest and also rewarding. There are days (or mornings) that I'm radiant with love and just can't get enough of their wonderfulness followed by afternoons where I want to shoot myself and I raise my voice and then feel like shit and cry after they go to bed.

It's fucking hard. My kids are hard. God, how I love them and I love their spunk but they are hard. I see parents with easy kids--even twins--and I think, "Man, you have no idea."

These boys are spirited.

Chicken's brother has a baby the same age as Grunter and W2. My BIL get free babysitting all the time--because, well, they live within 30 minutes of both sets of grandparents.

This past weekend, I found out that my BIL and his wife went away to Cape Cod for a few days--sans kiddo--and stayed in a free beach house (friend of the family's) and the grandparents kept the kid.

I admit that I burned with white hot jealousy. We have never been offered this beach house. We have never been offered free babysitting. Not for an afternoon, a night and never a weekend.

We have never heard "Hey, why don't you bring the twins up here and we'll watch them while you two get a break." Yes, we would even rent a car and go to them.

Chicken has had some child care breaks in the form of business trips, but neither of us have ever really had a 'day off'.

Chicken says I need to get over it. I probably do.

But it still pisses me off.

I actually don't even think my MIL and her husband could handle them--especially not in her house upstate. I really just want them to offer. Even if I know I wouldn't take them up on it. I'm so petty. Seriously. I am. I know.

(Be) Coming Clean

2011-08-15T13:45:00.004-04:00

It took a year and a half but I have finally had a shower every day for almost a week now. Can you believe it? No, neither can I. It's the cleanest I've been since they were born. I even wash my hair every other day. Wow.

My secret? Showering with the boys.

Besides putting the bed in the living room, this is the second best idea I've had since they were born.

Of course I have to make sure I'm not sleeping with bits of PlayDoh or toy cars and you have to be pretty careful in the shower that you keep to your own end and don't step on a small child or their bath toys...but hey.

I'm up to that challenge if it means I'm clean and well-rested.

And besides, we all know that being clean and having a nice bed could actually lead to sex, right?

Maybe.

No Mas

2011-07-28T13:46:00.002-04:00

Sorry about the previous blank post. I wasn't done! I'm still not, but it's a long one coming.

In the meantime....we've made a big decision.

No more kids.

We keep getting the CA Cryobank bill and ignoring it. $440 for one more year to store the sperm. But I'm 99.9% sure I don't want more kids and I have felt this way almost since I gave birth to the twins. I certainly can't HAVE another baby. After the pre-E and the HELLP, it was strongly advised I not go at the baby birthing experience again. And while that first go at baby birthing was not a great go and it would be nice to get it right....that's not going to happen.

Chicken would have to get pregnant. Chicken has no desire to be pregnant. Chicken already has bio kids and well....Chicken would be a lousy pregnant woman and I have no desire for her to be pregnant either!

I'm 42. I'm old enough already with the 2 I have. I have tons of energy (for my age whatever that means)--more than Chicken--but I want to move forward. While I remind myself to live in the moment, I am looking forward to all of the things I want to do with them and places to go. There are many adventures waiting. I don't want to start all over and keep waiting for another baby to 'be old enough' or 'big enough'. I hope that doesn't sound selfish, but I'm loving this toddler age and the possibilities. I love my family of 4 just as it is.

We are done. Chicken got a little panicky as I ripped up the bill and squeaked, "Oh, but I want to hold a little baby again!" So I reminded her that we can go hold someone else's!

It feels good to just make that decision and agree that our family is complete.

And Just Like That, He's Done

2011-07-12T22:03:00.003-04:00

It's so his personality. I shouldn't have been so surprised. But in the morning and afternoon he came running with his usual excited grunted 'oh-oh's' when I asked if he and his brother were ready for "Cafe Yum Yum" and the very next time Whoop Whoop poked my nipple, laughed and said "no-a" shaking his head.

Can you say devastated?

They'd both had a little 24 hour something-something and I thought (hoped?) it was just an icky tummy. He'd vomited once and maybe it's like when you're getting the flu anyway but you just ate sushi and then you puked and oh god, puking up sushi is the WORST and then you never want sushi again even though it really wasn't the sushi that made you sick? Yeah, so maybe he puked and was all like, damn breast milk tastes like shit coming up. And maybe he'd get over that thought and go back to the booby?

But no.

He did not.

And in the morning he was a hot mess. Kids like routines. They like knowing what's coming next. Now his world was turned upside down. Never in his entire LIFE has he woken up and not nursed. Never! (ok, there were probably a few bottles in there but you get the idea). He didn't know what to do with himself and thrashed about the living room with Chicken trying to figure out what to do. He just didn't know 'what' he wanted. We tried milk, we tried food, we tried bringing him over to me in the bed where I was nursing Grunter (which really infruiated him) and finally over the course of the next days....we discovered singing "ba ba black sheep" was the ticket, followed by a cup of milk and singing the entire book of nursery rhymes. Whatever works.

And by day three of him refusing to breastfeed--oh god I tried, I basically walked about topless and flung my tits in his face when I could--I had myself a good cry.

I felt (feel?) so rejected. It's just....HIM? Really? He was the one who could stay on my breast all day long if I'd let him. He was the one we were worried we'd have to wean before kindergarten! And so suddenly! There was no warning. That's just his style. He's an abrupt kind of guy. As Chicken remarked, "He's going to break a lot of hearts."

I miss our time. He is so busy, busy, busy my smiley tornado. He doesn't stop or sit still and this was my time--at least 3 times a day--to lay down and relax with my babies. I would lay on my back on the bed with one in each arm. I could kiss the tops of their sweet little heads and we'd chill out for a good 30 minutes every single morning. It was an awesome way to wake up. I miss that I never got a photo of that or a video of him getting so excited for it.

It will never happen again.

He stills comes over and touches it or puts his mouth on it or just laughs and shakes his head. It's like he finds the idea completely crazy.

I miss him snuggling in my arms and nuzzling at my chest. I miss him looking up at me with those big brown eyes and those long eyelashes.

But something interesting has happened....Grunter, who was a pretty carefree nurser...has decided to nurse with more frequency and for longer periods of time. In fact, the day after W2 quit, but came over to investigate--Grunter reached over and pulled his hair! That's never happened before. Grunter learned very quickly that he had me all to himself and wow is he ever taking advantage of it! Babies are so smart.

So this is good. I get lots of snuggling and one-on-one time with my Grunter. And he needed that, I know. I guess this was how it was all supposed to work out.

Nursing a toddler has seriously been one of the most rewarding and FUN things I've ever done. I look forward to it every day. I LOVE IT.

I never thought I'd make it breastfeeding twins past a few months--if that. I had no goals set, I was just taking it day by day. I've had every kind of problem I can think of, but I kept going. And once I hit a year, I had no intention of stopping. Once they were crawling and walking over to me, my heart burst over and over.

They want me. They need me. My body. I can do this. So many things I couldn't do, but this--I can do this! The bond I have with them is amazing and I am so happy I just kept going.

Whoop Whoop weaned nearly 2 weeks ago and since then I swear his hugs have gotten stronger and his kisses more frequent and longer.

My colicy baby. My baby who cried so long. My baby I was so scared I wouldn't bond with.

Oh how he loves to hug and kiss me.

I can't even count the number of hugs and kisses they get every day.

Now when we wake up, Grunter nurses with one of my arms wrapped around him and W2 drinks a milk cup while I read him a book with my other hand. You adapt. You figure it all out. It all keeps changing, but it's all good. There's dried milk on my sheets and I never thought that I just wouldn't care. But I really don't.

I love them more than I ever thought possible.

Going Shopping

2011-06-24T17:16:00.003-04:00

Rainy Day Indoor Fun: Going Shopping

I don't know where they got it, because neither of us are big shoppers BUT these are NYC kids and they see everything from their stroller! I have a bunch of shopping bags stuck in between the wall and the fridge and they found them, put them on their arms, went to the door, waved bye bye and blew me kisses.

Crazy the things they come up with. They see and hear everything!!!

And of course, there's more fun to be had with your shopping bag...

Start

2011-06-24T14:32:00.001-04:00

I don't even know where to start. We are all doing great, but oh so busy. I've been nanny free for over 3 weeks now and while most days are great (really!) the last two have made me crazy. Granted I put myself in some stressful situations in trying to be twin supermom and keeping up with my mom friends (with singletons) going to concerts and fountains and easy-with-one-kid-but-insane-with-twins stuff.

I know there are those who disagree with me, but if you don't have twins, you just don't get it.
Doubt me? Take my boys to the playground for an hour and get back to me on your thoughts.

W2, is high insane energy. He is hard, hard work and he has been since day 1! He does not stop. The boy is intense and unless you've had even 1 kid like him, you won't get it.
Grunter is *more* laid back and I'm very thankful for that!
Neither one are kids that stay near mommy when outside and they don't need to be near each other either. Mostly, they run in the exact opposite direction. I run non-stop damage control!

All my "mom" friends are in agreement about W2, he is like a smiley tornado tearing through. He plows over anything in his way in order to get what he wants. He had his first outside temper tantrum yesterday over another kid's toy. His emotions are so intense. He gets so focused on ONE thing. Distraction means nothing to him.

I worry about Grunter not getting enough attention from me and try so hard to get the balance right.

They are a blast (overall) and everyday spent with them is amazing. This age is exhausting for me, but so much fun, too!

I have so much more I want to write, but not much time these days.

Chicken has been traveling some (4 days in Chicago, 3 coming up to SF), and I'll be solo. It's crazy hard, but incredibly rewarding at the end of the day to know that I did it all by myself. I thought for so long I couldn't, but I really can and I am.
(but I'd still like a little p/t help before I collapse!)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Manny Revisited

2011-06-15T13:35:00.002-04:00

Well, that post certainly got some people riled up!

I never meant for it to be so provoking and I really was interested in what others thought.

As for myself, initially I *thought* I would be OK with it. But the more I sat on it and let it sink in, I knew I could never hire a manny.

Here's why:

I was sexually/emotionally/physically abused starting from age 6 until I was 20. By men. All of them from the age of 6-13 were caregivers. They were the ones who were supposed to make sure I was SAFE and instead, well....they really fucked up my life for a long time. One ended up being my step-father. My mother knew he was sexually abusing me (because I told her and begged her not to marry him) but she convinced herself that I was lying and married him anyway. When I fought the sexual abuse, the beatings got worse. I was made to choose my own branch that he would whip me with and I had to strip naked for the beating. Good Times.

I'm still not sure why I'm not crazier than I am! No seriously, I must've been a strong little girl, because no one came around to save me and I just kept on surviving and fighting. Unfortunately I am now in my 40's and my urge to keep fighting to survive is so ingrained in me, I really don't know of another way to live. I don't need to fight anymore. I am doing SO much more than surviving. I never learned the right way to 'connect' with people and I can often rub people the wrong way with my fighter ways. I don't want my kids to end up in the wrong hands--which they can with either sex--but no matter what you might think, the majority of sex crimes and abuse to children are committed by men. There. That's what I think.

I am scarred for life by this. To this day, when I see a little girl siting on her father's lap my VERY FIRST thought is, "He's totally getting off on that. That's how it all starts." Followed by my second thought which is "No, no, no, no, no. It doesn't always have to be like that." Will that first voice ever leave my head? I doubt it. I know it's not rational, but I just can't stop the thought and I find myself looking closely at the man--watching watching for a sign. I am skeptical.

Because of my experience I am less skeptical of gay men, but overall, I would worry.

Right or wrong, I would worry.

I don't want to worry. I don't need more stress.

We are good here. Busy, but good. I still don't have a nanny. More on that later...

And the unchallenge. Good Lord, I still want to catch up on that. Maybe.

Loving Summer. Loving these Boys.

Life is really quite awesome right now.

Manny? Migraine.

2011-06-05T10:07:00.001-04:00

I had an all day migraine yesterday and stayed in bed with the shades drawn trying not to barf. It was hell. I haven't had one in over 2 years. Really hope they don't start coming around again.

Chicken took over the kid care all day long. It was the first time she's had them alone all day since they were born! She was exhausted, but she did great.

I did nothing but lay in bed and lifted my tank from time to time. The bed in the living room is awesome! They just walk over to the mattress for BFing and yank at my shirt. EASY.

Ok, so we received an app from a young manny. And although he didn't come right out and say it, I'm pretty sure he's gay.

Would you hire a manny?
Why or why not?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I'm Guilty

2011-06-03T22:31:00.002-04:00

When Chicken has a work dinner event I'm secretly pleased because it means I get to watch trash TV. There are many nights we don't have the TV on at all (like all this week) because she is working all night and I'm busy in the kitchen, etc. I actually like NOT watching TV because I get so much done. But if I'm all alone...the lure is just too strong to fight sometimes!

What do I watch?

Intervention (I love me some good junkie stories)
16 and Pregnant
Teen Mom

I used to watch Hoarders, but it was too depressing even for me. Seems like a lot of you watch Sister Wives....hmmm. Might have to check that out.

There's a CVS across the street from me and I'm in there almost daily for a milk run (cheapest in the hood for hormone free milk). That damn CVS loves to put cereal on sale and they display it right as you walk in. If they have Cocoa Pebbles on sale (2 for $5!), I buy one...or two. And then you will find me eating a huge bowl of cereal for dinner and um, maybe lunch. It's so BAD.

I cannot pass a Dairy Queen without jonseing for a Snickers Blizzard. Thankfully there's not a DQ for miles around.

Starbucks Bacon/Egg/Gouda sandwich (is that a guilty treat? It feels indulgent to order a breakfast sandwich at Starbucks.)

If I'm in Asia, I crave frozen Twix and super cold Diet Coke. Why in Asia? I have no idea.....

Chicken's new guilty pleasure is very specific: Victoria's Secret cotton gstrings. She ordered a batch (can panties be a batch?) the other day and I opened them up, looked at the receipt and declared, "You paid $9.99 for ONE pair of panties?!" Because I'm a 3 for $10 kind of bargain undie shopper. She looked appalled and said, "That pair was for your birthday." Oops. I sheepishly apologized and then let her know...they were the wrong size. No present for me!

KJ--I'll try to find some old HS photos to scan in when I have time (hahahaha).

Also, I had a nanny audition today. She's pretty good...and cute, too!

Oh Holy Hell of HS

2011-06-02T22:43:00.003-04:00

Day 2 -Describe your high school self. What extracurricular activities, if any, did you participate in during high school?

Awkward, chubby, acne prone, big fuzzy hair, lonely, always trying to fit in but feeling like I'm never getting it quite right.

Promiscuous, but still a virgin. Slightly slutty, you might say.

Independent. I lived on my own since I was a junior.

A shopper of thrift stores.

Because I never quite knew who "I" was, I tended to have friends from every group--the drama kids, the stoners, the jocks, the cheerleaders, the band geeks.

My "in" crowd ended up being the drama crew.

Every major dance date I had ended up being gay later in life. Hmmmm.

I was a band geek (flute) for 8th, 9th and 10th grade. I wanted to play the drums, but those were for boys. I hated the flute.

I tried out for cheerleading in Jr. High and sucked really bad.

I was the stats keeper for the girls bb team in 9th grade because I couldn't actually play bb.

I was in a couple of school plays, but never anything more than small roles/bits as I couldn't properly sing/dance/act.

I didn't have the opportunity to be in any activities since my junior year I was on my own and only went to school 1/2 day so I could work full time.

I could not WAIT to get out of high school and my small town.

I lived here:

Which was right down the street from the high school.

It also no longer exists as I grew up in....Joplin, Missouri.

I feel horrible for the people that were affected. My aunt and uncle were pulled from the rubble. They lost everything, but they are alive. For me, it seems like an awful news story. I hated this place so much, I am disconnected. I am so sad for everyone there, but it doesn't feel like a part of me.

It Happens In So Many Different Places

2011-06-01T21:39:00.004-04:00

I'm going to try to do the 30 day blog challenge. Try.

Hey--what happens if I have something else I want to blog about? Do I have to blog today's questions PLUS do another blog? Hmmm.

Anyway--the question was where do you blog?

Anywhere I can--either on my laptop (preferred) or iPhone (not as fast to type).

Here are a few places:

My LaZyBoy recliner/glider. God I love that thing. I would've taken a shot from the front but my wife is working on the sofa in near naked attire. Working from home sure does cut down on your laundry.
The kitchen table or the bed. Note how close they are together. Just climb over the plastic wall and you're in a different room. See the high chairs? The double stroller is parked about 5 inches in back of them which means I'm regularly cleaning oatmeal off my stroller. I've often pondered the idea of getting a splat mat to put over the stroller not under the high chairs.

In nanny news....I've had over 150 applications now and have yet to do an interview. I'm so screwed. Especially since my nanny abruptly left me high and dry since today was her last day and it wasn't supposed to be until Friday. She over-scheduled herself with the move and all. Damn, if I'd known today was her last day I would've taken a shower while she was here. I should really go do that now.

She didn't even say goodbye. Just texted me to say she couldn't come in tomorrow or Friday because of the movers, etc. I'm so confused. And sad.

Oh, and Chicken is gone for four days next week so I'm flying solo for awhile. And it's my birthday. Yeah, while she's gone. It pretty much sucks. Anywho...

Not that I would do it...but I remarked to Chicken, "You know, since I do trial interviews, I could interview every single one of these nannies and have a free hour of help every morning and afternoon for the entire summer." She looked at me like I was crazy and said, "That seems really complicated."

I have an interview on Friday. I have about 10 others saved in my favorites. There are some gems out there, thank god.

The Best One Yet

2011-05-27T14:43:00.002-04:00

OK, I just had to post again:

"My name is Ixxxxx and I really need a job. No one seems to want to hire me because they think I don't have any experience. I,m currently babysitting a family members 4 month old until Sunday. I have alot of energy. I will be able to manage with your two twins."

I can't even believe it's for real. Seriously?!?!

On the other hand, it sounds like she read far enough to see we have twins.

Holy Nanny Application Overload!

2011-05-27T13:34:00.003-04:00

I took the suggestion of Strawberry and registered with Care.com (thanks!).

Holy Crap. In less than 48 hours I have received over 85 applicants. My email box runneth over.

Some are very qualified. Some have actually read the ad. Some have clearly NOT read the ad.

Those amuse me so much I'd like to share them:

i am iintrested in this job. I have experience . i am a 17 year old.i'll be very glad if you chose me to take care of your dog. I speek Spanish, English, Italian, Portuguese, French.Please call me as soon as posibble at xxx-xxx-xxxx, I need i job urgently and would be very happy if you chose me.

Now, I wonder....does the dog need to hear that many languages??

Or, the one that simply says:

I'm interested.

Thanks, I'm not. I need a little bit more from you....

Or how about the young Czech girl who wants the job because she doesn't really speak English and she need to learn so she can get a real job and she loves kids and she's trying to make a baby with her boyfriend right now! Um, no thanks.

Or the nannies who are looking for full time positions. Or live-in positions. Or address me as: Sir/Madame. Or who assure me they can understand English but need a translator to be present if they are required to speak. Or they speak in such broken English in the email that I really don't want my kids learning to speak this way. Or the ones who say they can help them with their homework.

And lastly...."Hey Chicken, do you think she read the ad?" "Is she in a burka?" "Yeah." "Hmmm, no I don't think she'd be the right fit for our family."

The interview with the older nanny was a waste. She is a former baby nurse and while I'm sure she's great with infants, she had a zero sense of urgency in keeping her eye on both boys when we took them outside. I told her that I was going to stand to the side and let her do her thing because I wanted to see what she's got. She got a lot of lazy, that's what she got. Next!

So, now, I'm weeding out the oldies. I need more hustle than experience at this age. I need someone young enough to fit in with our quirky family and be ready to jump. Someone who can take direction (cuz I have my own ideas...) and GO.

Surprisingly, 3 lesbians have answered my ad....one looks very qualified.

Hmmmm.....a young, lesbian nanny. Didn't even think of that.

The search continues.

What should I give my nanny as a parting gift?? Any ideas??

She's Leaving Us for a Man

2011-05-25T11:07:00.002-04:00

HN, that is. We were so lucky to find the perfect nanny who lived 2 blocks away, was young and energetic and had the most flexible hours ever. Of course, the fact that she's easy on the eyes was a bonus.

Alas, she's getting married to a doctor who has accepted a position in CA and she'll be moving and doing her PhD program there. We've known about this for quite some time but it all seemed so far away.

Now, it's suddenly upon us and I'm finding myself in a mad scramble to find another PT nanny.

Since I don't work anymore, dates are really hard to keep track of.

The other day a friend asked if we had plans for Memorial Day and I thought "why is he asking that?" Oh...because it's next Monday. Same with Chicken asking me what I wanted for my birthday. Good God, I don't know it's so far away. Not so much. Apparently, it's less than 2 weeks away.

I'm just thrilled she remembered in advance since she forgot last year and already has a strike against her this year for not getting me anything for Mother's Day. (Chicken: Shit. I'm sorry. Can I make it up to you and buy you a house in Florida?)

Chicken is BAD with occasions. I'm not great, but I look awesome next to her.

Anyway, I have about a week to find a nanny. Or some help. Something. The pickings are slim and our situation is unique.

I realized just how strange it is yesterday. Whoop Whoop had woken up early from his nap--too early and was cranky. Now, in the past I would take him to bed and nurse him. Maybe he'd fall back asleep or maybe he'd just snuggle in and zone out.

But--our bed is now in the living room.

As I laid on my back with my right tit hanging out and a toddler nursing beside me I saw HN in front of me folding laundry on the living room floor and Chicken to the left of me, doing work on her laptop at the kitchen table.

I remarked, "Good God, we look like we live in a commune."

I have to find someone who is (1) OK with all of this and (2) someone I'm OK being around with all of this.

And I only want someone in the afternoons. Picky, picky. But I really love my long mornings with the boys. I have them all to myself and we have long nursing sessions followed by a leisurely breakfast. I love drinking my latte and feeding them oatmeal and hanging out with them. We go to the grocery store, run errands and go to the park and come home to lunch, another long nursing session and books on the bed before nap. It's our time and I don't want to change it.

I'm interviewing someone today at 3pm. We'll see how it goes....!

Slummin' It

2011-05-20T20:18:00.001-04:00

It's official:

Our bed is in the living room corner surrounded by a playzone plastic gate. We are using their stepstool name puzzles as night tables.
After a week of tossing and turning on ye olde sofa bed, I couldn't take it anymore. I'm exhausted. I need sleep. Good sleep. I don't care how ghetto it looks.
The boys can play on it during the day. They will probably think it's really neat-o. I know I sure do.

Good Night!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

How Do Other Twin Moms Do It? (warning: long)

2011-05-17T09:01:00.004-04:00

My last post generated one comment that put me on the defensive. She said:

Maman d'Austin said...

I am afraid of getting flamed here (I am a NYC single mom to a 7 1/2 yr old boy) but Puffer, Puffer, Puffer. You are giving time-outs to 1 year olds? I really don't think they understand cause & effect to that extent. I'd like to recommend a book "What's Going On in There?" by Lise Eliot. I feel for you but at the same time I think of all these nannies that I see in my neighborhood walking around with twins. If they can do it, you can too

This led me to my Manhattan Mother of Multiples forum where I posed this question (note-I did refer to the commenter as my 'friend' for ease of posting the question rather than go into details about my blog, etc.). I posted on the forum with my interpretation of the comment.

Discipline/Playground w/ 16 Month Old Twins--Going Crazy!

I know this topic has been covered, but I'm getting 'flamed' for not being able to handle my b/b twins by myself (at the park/playground) by a 'friend' who is a NYC single mom of a 7 year old. Her reasoning is that "if she did it and she sees all these nannies pushing twins around doing it, that I'm doing something wrong."

First, a singleton is completely different than twins. Second, if you saw me pushing my twins in the stroller, I would look totally confident (but very tired) and they would look totally calm. Outside of the stroller is a different world.

I even ran into another b/g twin mom yesterday who commented on how hard it looked with 2 BOYS. Our twins are exactly the same age. My boys--not to gender stereotype--are all 'boy'. They run in two opposite directions, they are into everything, they have no fear, they go and go and go. And they don't listen very well, because they are 16 months old.

Lately, in the last week, I have been telling them that they need to listen to me when we are outside. Whether it's going to the gate or holding my hand, etc. I give them 3 chances and then give them a 'time out' of one minute in the stroller. After 3 time outs, we pack it up and leave. My "friend" also says this is inappropriate discipline. Maybe it is? I really believe that I need to be strong with the discipline in order for them to be safe.

Any wise words from other twin moms who've been there before? I'd particularly love to hear from those of you with rambunctious boy/boy twins.

In less than 24 hours, my post had been viewed 148 times and replied to by 15 twin moms.

Here are the responses:

The only advice I can give you is to completely ignore this so called friend. Comparing you to other mothers, singleton or twin is unfair and unsupportive. She clearly has no idea what it's like to have twins.

I'm in the same boat and it's incredibly challenging with two little boys (17 months) at this age. We don't go out half as much as we should because I just can't handle it. Discipline seems almost impossible at this stage but you have to start somewhere and I think your approach so far is good. I'm not sure what is so inappropriate about it. Sounds like you're doing great to me.

I tend to stay away from playgrounds with lots of hazards and head for open grass space with balls and other toys. It's so much easier. We only do playgrounds at weekends when their dad is around. Hopefully I can go back to the playgrounds alone once they are more capable of listening and understanding me.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't think you can reason with a 16 month old. Or that you can keep them from running in opposite directions just by asking them to listen to you and giving them time outs.

There is no question the playground is very, very challenging at that age, we have all been there. Not every playground will be safe for them (playgrounds with 7 year olds running wild are out of question), and not every nanny is able to handle it. Some nannies are able to take care of todder twins safely in the playground and some are not. I can attest, because when my kids were 13 months old, I had a revolving door of nannies (there was one month when I had 5 nannies), and the playground was a big, big issue.

What worked for us was safe, enclosed playgrounds, for toddlers only -there aren't many of those, but there are some- and hiring an energetic nanny who was also very conscious about safety, had good judgment, and was experienced at handling more than one child at the playground.

Good luck!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At this age, I found it very difficult to go to the playground by myself. I always brought a sitter. My twins are b/g and now 4 but at 16 months, they would run all over the place in opposite directions. It's impossible to redirect two toddlers at a crowded playground too. I didn't do time outs yet at this age, it was more about the redirection but again, hard to do at a big park when they are off doing their own thing. If I didn't have a sitter with me, I'd go with another twin mom so there were 2 adults watching 4 and we could help each other out. I know people do it without a problem but I really think it's highly dependent on your babies, mine were extremely active and did not listen, running away at any opportunity. I also did playspaces if I was by myself as it was a bit more contained. I also scouted out those hidden little playgrounds that were gated and more manageable. I'd put both in the swings at once. Then I'd try to have them play in the sandbox together which would keep them occupied. Sprinklers were a huge hit in the summer as they'd want to do that for awhile too. My third child (singleton) sticks with me at the park, he has never run away and listens. It totally depends on the individual child and X2 is much much harder! Hang in there, it will get better.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am soooooo right there with you. I just had a conversation with my nanny this morning, asking her to please let me know when it seems too difficult or unsafe for her to take them alone, because maybe I'll try to find someone to help her for a few hours during the week for playground trips. I can't really afford additional help, but keeping them locked in the house is not an option! They need to have fun, and to run around to tire themselves out, but its just so hard to be out with them. Even though I know its not rational, it makes me feel like such a failure.

My nanny doesn't seem concerned or overwhelmed at this point, and I love that about her, though I might not love seeing exactly what goes on when she does take them out. I'm sure they are not in danger, but it is probably slightly less controlled than when I'm with them. I bought the monkey backpacks with tails/leashes and she has used them to go for short walks. Must be quite a sight! But she said the boys had fun. I know some people have issues with putting leashes on children, but I don't care what people think. If they're smart, they'll think think, "oh, that makes sense because its safe." And I agree with the previous poster who said DO NOT LISTEN to any disparraging remarks, especially from someone who only has 1 child. That is ridiculous and not very kind.

My guys are 17 months tomorrow and completely uncontainable, in my opinion. I mean, on one hand I love watching their joy as they explore and test their abilities, but I am overcome by the stress of trying to keep them from hurting themselves or getting too far away from me.

Anyway, clearly I have no answers for you, but I know exactly how you feel. Unfortunately I think they're too young to understand how to behave the way we want them to, though I don't think you're doing the wrong thing by trying to set limits. Who knows, maybe it does help them to develop an understanding of consequences.

Good luck and remember to pat yourself on the back every now and then. I'm sure that your boys are wonderful, exactly how they are!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have boy/boy 27 month twins and I still can't take them to the playground by myself. I don't care what anyone thinks about it. My boys are wild, don't listen, go in completely opposite directions and climb on everything they see. I will only go with another adult. Every set of twins is different and every parent is different. One does what's safest for the child(ren) and comfortable for the parent. I am in the playground all the time and watch all the other twin nannies, many of whom do not have control of their charges or keep constant eye contact, something I insist on. In a crowded playground it is VERY difficult to keep track of two children running in completely different directions. No one has any business telling you what is possible with your children. Ignore them. You are not alone!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have 12 month old b/g twins and just said to my husband this weekend, "in the last 2 weeks, the playground is no longer fun." I feel so much "better" reading your post and the replies so far as it gives me hope that a) I'm not alone b) it will get better c) there are options (wide open grass with a ball). In my case, my son is happy as can be swinging...could do it all day. My daughter, on the other hand, wants nothing to do with the swing all of a sudden and has to be "exploring" which is just not possible safely with just me. Comparing myself to my nanny is not fair because she has all the other nannies to help her if one of them needs a simple push on the swing and the other needs to explore. The "nanny network" is a very powerful thing and, unfortunantely I don't have that same network at the playground. Unless my husband is with us, I will be sticking to the open space plan for the foreseeable future as having my daughter meltdown and then my son get short changed with a 3 minute push on the swing is a lose lose for all of us!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am in the same boat. My boys turned 18 months last week, and I feel like running a half-marathon is easier than 30 minutes on the playground... I was wondering if any of you would be interested in meeting up to go to the playground. We would probably still be outnumbered by our kids, but we could pool all the twin mom skills.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have girl/girl twins but wanted to voice support. When my girls were 18 months, I stopped taking them to the park/playground alone because they were impossible to handle, didn't listen, & ran in separate directions (and very quickly!). Just last month, they started listening, and more actively playing with other kids, staying on the slide or the swing, turning when I call them -- and I can take them to the playground by myself. But that was at 2 years, 3 months.

During the time when I couldn't handle out-of-the-stroller trips, I hired a neighborhood teenager to work as a mother's helper and back me up on park & playground trips. She also helped me get the girls dressed and the stroller out of the apartment. On rainy & snowy days, we stayed home. The other thing I could do on my own was our neighborhood playspace (because it's essentially an enclosed big room).

Don't at all let your friend's criticism get to you -- it's simply not the same with a singleton. (I got plenty of the same from friends/acquaintances who were taking their one child on solo museum and restaurant trips and on the subway.)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My boys are 19 months and also "all boy". We are fortunate to live in a building with a playroom. I can not manage the park alone right now and I do not expect my Nanny to either. I know some can, good for them, and, pardon the expression, they need to shut up.

I do have a "mothers helper" who is about 12. She's great. I give her the mellower of the two and she follows him around, keeps him off the bigger kid parts and bounces/swings/etc with him.

It's actually gotten easier in the past couple months but I don't expect to be able to do this alone for at least another 6 months or so.

I personally think that the time out discipline you describe is totally okay and your friends needs to shove it. People who don't have twins have no concept.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I so completely understand. My b/g twins will be 3 in July and this spring has been the first time I've felt somewhat comfortable at the playground. Previously, I would start at the swings and try to make that last a long time. Then I would strap one in the Ergo and let the other run around, then switch. Not the ideal situation, especially for my back, but better than going to the ER with a broken bone. Your "friend" isn't helping at all by criticizing you. A real friend would try to help, not make you second guess your mothering. Jeez. I agree with a previous poster who said that it gets better when the sprinklers are turned on. I always made sure I had many different water toys and bubble makers to keep them focused on the same part of the playground. I live in Williamsburg and the waterfront was a life saver for me. It was always fairly empty and running around with a beach ball was heaven. I still went to the playground regularly because I knew they needed to climb and slide and swing. Btw, if the time out thing is working for you, continue to do it! Your friend just simply cannot grasp the stress a mother of multiples has. There really is no comparison.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have b/g twins and when they were that age, I experienced the same issues at the playground (my girl was, and still is, fearless). One thing I did at that age to help them learn the "rules' of the playground and to help me stay sane while taking them to the playground was to go to a smaller, gated playground in the off hours. Like 7 in the morning before anyone else was there (or whenever the gates were opened, its been a while). When it got crowded, I'd corral them onto the swings or in the sandbox. But if it got too crowded, I'd leave with them. I was really good at the "2-armed potato sack carry" when I had to scoop up one in order to run to rescue the other. As we all got better at playing safely, I'd plan to meet my singleton mommy friends (who were helpful, unlike your "friend") and since they had only one to look after, they were more than willing to lend an eye and a hand. Good luck!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There have been a lot of good comments. For me, taking my boys to the playground was a necessity because there are super active and were pretty much destroying my apartment. Last spring/summer, I would take them out usually twice a day. It was quite difficult though. As posters above have mentioned the key was to pick an playground with a good gate and very simple amenities (small or no climbing structures), a sandbox, some swings and a water feature.

One of my favorite places was essentially a playground with a sandbox, a small fountain and two swings.

My nanny also did it alone with the boys (I work part time so I'm alone with them two day and she alone with them the other three days) and she is super cautious.

My boys also went through a huge hitting stage last summer which was no fun, and there were definitely days I went to playgrounds that essentially had no other kids!

The most important thing is to have a good pair of sneakers and wear clothes you don't mind getting totally flithy, when you have to run over and retrieve one of your kids!

Now at 2 years and 4 months it is so much easier!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My twins are 10 months old so I am not in your position yet, but just reading your post made me mad! Who is this "friend" to be judging your parenting? Would she like being judged for being a single mom, or for choices that she makes bc of her situation? I doubt it. She has not been in your shoes and has no business making such pronouncements. Women need to stop judging each other's parenting choices, every child is different and every family is different.

In any event (not that it is any of MY business either!) I think time outs, combined with leaving the playground if the time outs don't work, sounds completely appropriate and I can't even imagine what anyone could think is problematic with this approach.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lastly, Chicken chimed in with a debut comment. If you didn't catch it here is what she said:

This is Chicken. I never post but I'd just like to put a plug in for my wife. First of all let me say that I respect everyone's opinion and input but in my opinion, dealing with twins is not the same as a singleton or even a singleton with another sibbling. Twins are going through the same challenging developmental milestones AT THE SAME TIME. They are both learning to walk and love their new found freedom and ability to run into TWO DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS from their caregiver. This makes watching them outside by yourself VERY challenging to say the least.

Even our Nanny (who has 10 years of experience with twins) can no longer take them to the playground by herself SAFELY. So yes, you may see Nanny's out pushing the twins around, but the key word there is PUSHING. If you were to watch that Nanny in the playground running after those twins, especially two boys, it would be a totally different story. And I don't think it would be SAFE, which is really the most important thing.

Our boys are active and all over the place, and I do think that a modified version of time out can work fine on them. I think we don't give enough credit to children and they can understand much more than what we think. This is also what our pediatrician (consistently rated one of the top pediatricians in the country) told us. The best way to deal with them at this point is to tell them "no" calmly and then put them by themselves without interaction for a few minutes. We want to keep our boys safe and putting them in the stroller alone for a few minutes to teach them to listen to their mommies seems like a fair tradeoff to me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And finally, the original commenter left another clarifying comment this morning that read:

Maman d'Austin said...

I reread my post & see how the last sentence fails to convey my intent. FWIW it is meant in the spirit of encouragement and my strong belief that barring exceptions a mother will do better by her kids than a nanny who comes to work to pay her bills. So Puffer, I know you can do it!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thank you all for the encouragement. From others who have gone before me, it looks like we are in for a long and bumpy ride ahead!

NYC Quality of Life FAIL!

2011-05-14T19:38:00.002-04:00

Today was a pretty shitty day. Grunter--who usually falls asleep without a peep before I've left the room, couldn't get it together last night and I ended up nursing him to sleep and he still didn't go down until 8 pm. For a guy that is usually out cold by 6:45, that was late.

Then, he woke up at 5am this morning. I have been sleeping in the bedroom with them this past week because I just can't bear the damn sofa bed. I've got the memory foam topper on my bed and damn, it's a fine thing. However, Grunter is waking early again since we/I'm in there (I even tried the suggestion of a curtain. Didn't help.)

This past week, I've brought him in bed with me, Chicken hits the couch and we cozy up for some booby bedtime. Usually he falls back asleep, I transfer him to his crib and we all sleep until 7 or 7:30am. I don't like getting woken up at 5am, but the sleep I'm getting in my bed is amazing and I do love the quality snuggle time with my little guy.

This morning he didn't go back to sleep. Then W2 woke up at 6am and thank GOD I had the foresight last night to prep as much of their food as possible, because they had meltdowns all day long of epic proportions.

Whoop Whoop wants/needs me to be near him all.the.time, all day long. As in, while I'm changing Grunter's diaper he repeatedly tries to climb in my lap and flips out that he can't. He hangs on my legs, needs to be held and is just super clingy right now. He flips out when I go to the bathroom and he can see me! Basically if I go to the other side of the gate-he goes beserk. I don't even need to leave the room or be out of eye sight.

I think this is starting to affect Grunter because he's not getting as much attention from me now. Today, he started biting W2. So, we did one minute time outs in the crib 4 times. It was horrible.

This morning, I tried to take them to an area playing field that we frequent almost daily but today there were a couple of bikes leaning against the fence and W2 pulled one over on himself and so I parked my stroller in front of them, but even then he was obsessed and while I'm trying to make sure he doesn't hurt himself with the bikes, Grunter is taking off out the gate towards the fountain and no, they won't close the gates and now that I've got Grunter where the hell is W2 and now W2 has darted out the other opening. Yeah. People are not listening to Mommy.

I tell them that they have to do a time out in the stroller every time they go for the gate and after 3 time outs, we pack it up and leave. No more playing.

We threw our lunch, we threw our smoothie cups, the lids burst open, there was smoothie everywhere. Mommy was trying super hard not to lose her shit and so looking forward to nap time so SHE could nap, too!

But Mr. Grunter, who had fallen asleep in the stroller earlier because of his 5am wake up, did not want to sleep at nap time and so I brought him in bed with me again, (my boobs are a powerful thing) so he would at least nurse, zone out and maybe fall asleep. No dice. It was relaxing at least, but there was no nap.

Whoop Whoop didn't sleep long enough and was clinging to my leg as I was trying to take Grunter's sleep sack off him. I had Grunter on the bed and seriously turned for one second and the next thing I know he is falling head first off the bed. Boom. Cry. Everyone scared shitless.

He is fine, but there's a knotty bruise forming on his head.

I decided to try a city playground this afternoon as they keep their gates closed. There is a small one near my house that is rarely crowded and I've been OK there by myself before. Nothing is ever relaxing and it's like watching the world's fastest tennis game while also fetching the balls, but it's DO-able.

It started off fine, W2 happily walking around with his doll stroller and Grunter tottering around. Then W2 wants to check out the tree and it was a really cool tree, so we all go to examine the bark and talk about the tree. Whoop Whoop is a down and dirty kind of kid--all boy--and he starts to examine the dirt. I hate dirt. But I have accepted that kids get dirty and if they want to play in the dirt, I'm not going to stop them. Even Grunter was into it and that kid usually hates to get his hands dirty. So I'm cool. It's dirt. Whatev.

Um, what the hell. This dirt is beyond dirty. It's liberally sprinkled with rat poop.

I scoop the boys up, plunk them down in the stroller and take out the wipes before anyone can touch anything or put their fingers in their mouths.

We walked back to the apartment with Mommy trying not to cry. First of all, I feel like a failure that I can't seem to make it through ONE SINGLE FUCKING DAY by myself without things dissolving into chaos. Second, I feel like there's not a single safe place I can take these boys by myself.

I want them to be able to explore and run and play with dirt--safely.

"Our" house is still on the market.

I was sitting in the living room last night listening to the people outside and thought--if we lived in that house we could be sitting outside right now. The boys could be in bed, but we could be having dinner outside and they would be safe. We could go for a swim and then sleep in our own bed. That would be a really nice quality of life.

I keep trying to make myself believe that we can do this here--to the point I have seriously thought of stopping little kids on the sidewalk and asking them if they'd rather live close to the beach with a huge backyard and a swimming pool and their own playroom or live in NYC? I haven't done it yet, but I've come close. I'm super curious to the responses. What makes people stay? We are going crazy.

We had originally thought we'd make the trip down to Florida in July or early August, but I'm thinking that date might be moved up to June...

I think I just hit my breaking point today where I found myself thinking "My boys just played in rat poop. Can we leave today?"

Anyone have any tips on how to house hunt with twin toddlers in tow?

Grandma's, MIL's and Just Cute Photos

2011-05-13T13:19:00.003-04:00

Blogger ate my last post. As in, it was here...and people commented so I know it was here (although I admit it was a lengthy train wreck of a crazed rant on moving. Or not) and now...it's gone. WTF??

Anyway, the boys had a birthday party at Grandma's house over Mother's Day weekend. She wasn't able to make it to their first bday party in January and she wanted to have one for them.

They had a great time--it was better than the party we had for them--and it's always nice to see old friends and family. They were much better at dealing with all of the 'strangers' this time around.

My mom insisted on making cupcakes for them. So...I finally gave in. They had sugar for the first time. Grunter wouldn't touch a single bite. W2 dove in

Although my mom and I have had our differences in the past, I will say having kids has improved our relationship 100%. Chicken is the one who pushed for this trip and I'm glad she did. I would not have suggested it at all. My mom went to great lengths to make this trip the best and easiest for us. She moved unsafe furniture. She cleaned out shelves and drawers. She bought baby proofing items. She borrowed pack n plays and high chairs. She garage saled for age appropriate and push toys and cleaned everything til it shone. She bought us diapers and wipes. She darkened widows and banned the TV in the living room. She requested a grocery list and bought everything on it--even though most items were not what she would have shopped for. She did laundry every day and made she we went home with a suitcase of clean clothes.

It was amazing. And they tried so hard. I'm really happy we went and I know it meant so much to my mother for us to be there on Mother's Day. Now that I'm a mom, I 'get' these things.

I think because my mom did SO much for the short time we were there (4.5 days) it only highlights the fact that Chicken's mom has done nothing. Well, she borrowed pack n plays and high chairs, so she's done a little. But her house is a death trap and there's not one safe space for the boys to play and there are multiple stairways of doom. Now that they are walking--almost running--and into everything on earth, they need to roam. We were supposed to go upstate this weekend, but I begged out. The time at her house stresses me out more than anything. It's the mean MIL plus the death trap house.

MIL did swing by the city for a few hours a couple of weeks ago, so she has seen them recently so I don't feel too bad. I just get sick thinking about spending $400 on rental car to go make myself crazy in the woods for 48 hours. She can keep on coming here.

I know it puts Chicken in a hard place, so she is taking the train up tonight and I have elected to stay home alone with the boys for the weekend while she does her family thing. Much easier this way. Until the boys are old enough for stairs and really listening, we're not going up there.

Here are some photos of last week in the Midwest. Gah, they look so big and old. I can't believe it. The time is going too darn fast.

Whoop Whoop sporting his birthday hat and a new patriotic outfit compliments of G'ma

Grunter Loves Hats

Mommy holding Grunter (notice the great effort he puts forth keeping his feet from touching the grass), my brother who is 8 years older than me, his 10 month old grand daughter (yup) and Whoop Whoop (notice his foot firmly planted in the grass).

Long Time No Post

2011-04-25T13:16:00.005-04:00

What? You wanted the tissue IN the box? Oops.

My big boy Whoop Whoop pulling his new truck down the beach.

My new (steal at TJ Maxx!) bikini and post baby body.

Digging holes. Does it get any better?

Oh, it's busy around here. I don't think I've ever gone this long without a post.

So much...it's bullet time:

I'm taking a writing class this semester and using my creative brain again. It's really nice, but time consuming.
Both boys are fully walking, W2 quite fast and he N.E.V.E.R stops.
I had started going to the gym about a month ago and was getting back into yoga and pilates. It was great and really helped my abs.
Now, I spend so much time running after two little guys going in opposite directions that if I go to the gym I can't do much else. So...my workout is now twin running.
HN fractured her foot so I am solo for....I honestly have no idea.
The Florida trip was great. We thought it might be life-changing and it was. We came back seriously wondering how we are going to deal with these two kiddos in a small apartment. They loved being outside so much (and they are outside here twice a day usually).
The answer is murky. But we are thinking of moving. Uh, to Florida.
As in house buying, yard for playing, pool in the backyard, deck with a grill and (hybrid) SUV in the front. I'm a little in shock. I have never wanted these 'things'.
Having kids sure does change you and where you think about living!
The houses are so cheap right now it's mind blowing.
Chicken was offered a new role--also internal and is hand picking her new team. This role is also remote and so...
We can live in Florida on a NYC salary.
Outside is nice. Beach is nice. More family nearby is nice (4 aunties and her father part time).
We would have enough money to pay for private school and not worry about where or how our kids are going to get into school. The NYC preschool experience is one I wouldn't care if we missed.
Needless to say, we're not getting a murphy bed right now:)
For now, we are sucking it up on the sofa bed (which became a lot more comfortable when we got the price quote from the designers) and really weighing our options on what we what to do.
The lease is up Dec. 31, so we are not rushed.
Number 1 issue is space and quality of life.
We both love NYC so much, but we feel we will never make quite enough money to have the life we want here.
A wardrobe of shorts and flip flops sure is a lot cheaper:)
If I never have to experience winter again other than being on a ski trip, I would be one happy Puffer.

So, that's where we are. It's intense.

If any of you Floridians...I know you are out there...have any words of advice for us, we would really appreciate it. We have all the legal documents, health care proxy, wills, etc., would have second parent adoption completed and both of us are on the original birth certificate.

Now, I have to finish my lunch and edit some papers for my class tonight while the kids are still napping.

Miss you all.

Reason # 548

2011-04-10T12:33:00.003-04:00

My in-laws won't be babysitting any time soon:

FIL while pouring himself a glass of Malbec: "Santiago (formerly world's easiest baby of the BIL whom our boys were always compared to) really likes red wine. He likes beer and vodka, too, but red wine the best."

Me: Saying nothing and trying (failing) to conceal the completely horrified look that has clouded over my face.

FIL: "We let him dip his fingers in our drink and like it off."

MIL: "Hee Hee"

Me: Tight smile. No comment. Just don't say anything...and thinking, 'and that's why we would rather you come visit us and we won't be coming to visit you or leaving you in charge of the kids anytime soon. Perhaps....never.'

Santiago is 15 months old. Seriously? I mean, I get that they are alcoholics and they need to get their drink on and that's just the way it is. But really? Your grandson?

I am horrified they think this is perfectly fine...and FUNNY.

On a brighter note, they are making more of an effort of coming down to visit the twins now that I've made it pretty clear we're not spending hundreds of dollars to rent a car, pack everyone and everything up and go to a non-baby proofed house with 2 deadly staircases and nothing to do but be on high alert so the kids don't die. Not happening anytime soon.

They are retired. They can drive. They can visit us. Where we can monitor the 'funny' cocktail hour games.

How Long Did It Take?

2011-04-09T21:12:00.003-04:00

For your period to return after giving birth (for breast feeding mamas)? Going on 15 months now...still no sign of AF. Not that I'm complaining...
For your tatas to return to their previous size or rather, new shrunken deflated size, after weaning from breast feeding? I still haven't bought any new bras and I just can't sink money into expensive pieces of clothing that will (could?) be rendered useless soon.
For your body temperature to adjust? Before I got pregnant I was always cold. Then, I was carrying around a nice heater for 8 months so I figured it was the babies. Then I gave birth and was still not cold and I figured it was the hormones. Then I continued to breast feed and figured it was still the hormones. I couldn't even wear sweaters this past winter because I was too hot and normally I can only wear sweaters. Now, I'm weaning--BFing 3 x day--and I'm still pretty warm. Not hot. Not like that. Just, a whole lot warmer than ever before. I look around on the playground and realize I'm the only one who has removed her jacket. And folks, I'm a teeny thing. Anyone else experience this? Did it ever change or is this my new normal?? Am I going to hate summer?? I've never been 'not cold' unless I'm near the equator.

Sleep, Revisited

2011-04-06T20:21:00.003-04:00

As many of you may remember (or not), we had to stop sleeping in our bed with the boys as it was too disrupting. Grunter is a very early riser, but he's not really 'up'. He stirs, squawks a bit and then goes back to sleep (4am-5am).

However, if he see us in the bed (or smells me?) he cries out and that's it. He's UP. That doesn't work so well in the mommy fatigue department, so we hightailed it to the living room sofa bed. We got a full night's sleep for the first time, but no one is ever going to call this pull out sofa "comfortable". However, when you are desperate, you find yourself doing things you wouldn't normally do!

Then we went to SF for a week. Where I slept in a real bed in a bedroom that I shared with no one but my wife. That hasn't ever happened since the twins were born. It was nice. Really nice. I slept so well.

Back in NYC, I deceived myself into thinking we could try it again in our bed with the boys. Nope. Back to the couch. I decided to invest in a memory foam topper and see if that made it bearable. Success! Well, sort of. It's a lot 'more' comfortable and we get 8 hours of sleep but it's not a long term solution. Also, it's too think to fold up in the sofa.

So now, on top of:

moving the ottoman/coffee table
taking all of the sofa cushions off
unfolding the sofa
making the bed with sheets/blankets
remembering to get the pillows from our own bed before we put the boys to bed

We have to lug the memory foam topper--it weighs about 15 lbs--back and forth between the living room and our bedroom (where it stays during the day on our bed, adding further insult!).

It is seriously ridiculous and I think probably something that only New Yorker's do! We could've been an idea for a Seinfeld episode.

And....of course, put it all away again every morning.

On the bright side, it's the first time in 10 years that I know the bed is going to be made every day (Chicken is not such a good bed-maker-upper).

Meanwhile, the kids are sleeping great. They are down to one nap during the day now--around 12:15--and they only sleep for one and 1/2 hours, but they are excellent night sleepers. They go down around 6:30-45 and we get them up at 7am. We have our entire night free and they sleep through TV, cooking, hair dryer, sirens (outside), music. We had people over for dinner Friday and Saturday and everyone remarked how incredible it was that the babies never woke up. And it got a little loud! So, I am so happy that we are "winning" on that one.

We've been toying with the idea of getting a murphy bed in the living room and giving them our entire bedroom. This would mean getting rid of our bed, dresser and huge desk to free up the room for their play area. We would have a custom built unit made for the living room where their play area is now. It would include cabinets, dresser drawers and a desk. We've already been working with a studio to draw up plans and get a rough estimate of pricing....but we're not committed as it's an extremely expensive option. But, crazy as it sounds, it's a cheaper option than getting a 2 bedroom.

We don't need our own bedroom, I just need a comfortable bed! I do want the boys to have their own bedroom and I think this is a way to make that happen. We could use our tax refund money and just do it. Decisions, decisions.

All we know is that we love where we live. We are not ready to move somewhere else and we are trying to find a way to make it all fit and work.

One night we wondered if the topper would be just as comfortable on the ground--that way we wouldn't have to pull out the sofa every night. We have the bright idea that the foam tiles in the boy's play area would be 'padding' enough. After kicking a few toys and tossing and turning, we lasted about 10 minutes and pulled out the sofa.

I can't even believe we were seriously considering sleeping inside the play area every night. City living at its best.

What's Stressing You Out Today?

2011-04-06T15:18:00.004-04:00

Yesterday morning I was in a children's clothing store with the boys and I ran into my downstairs neighbor, a twin mom of 3-year-old boys (also living in a one bedroom!). After saying hello's, the first thing she asked me was, "So, what's stressing you out today?"

It took me a minute to process what she said and I thought for a second, smiled brightly and said, "Nothing!"

We talked a bit and then as I was walking home, the impact hit me. I'm pretty sure every time she sees me I'm stressed about something and talking about it.

Embarrassing, yes...but also sad. It made me sad to know that I've been that stressed out for so long. Happy to know I'm not (at this moment)...but...just...wow.

Things are going well, really, really well. The boys and I are getting into a new routine of sorts. I take them on more outings than ever before and we get to the park at least once if not twice a day (weather permitting of course). I'm getting things DONE. My level of productivity is amazing my wife and she is overjoyed to have "me" back. I don't know when I lost "me" but it's been far too long.

Chicken and I are looking forward to Spring/Summer arriving and have already made out a list of weekend activities we'd like to do with the twins. I can't wait for some warmer weather.

In fact, we couldn't wait and bought tickets to Florida for next week!

Chicken's grandma lives on the east coast of Florida and is steadily going downhill. We visited her at this time last year and it really cheered her up, so we are going to stay with her for 4 nights. It will be 'work' as we not only have to cook, clean and take care of ourselves but also her to an extent. But that's OK. We can handle this now.

One thing that Chicken and I have realized is that we really held on to this memory of our babies when they were newborns--well, our newborn phase lasted about 6 months, so it was a long time, longer than most--and we got bogged down in that memory. That haze of fussy, colicly, refluxy, bad sleeper babies.

It's amazing how much they've changed and how good they are now. We are really lucky with the way everything turned out.

They turned 14 months last week and everyday they stun me with what they are doing and how much they understand. It seems like they pick up something new everyday at this age.

So, we will go to the beach and spend some time at the pool and see how they do in the water this time around. I hope they love it as much as we do. Either way, it will be nice to have a break from this too-cool-not-quite-spring weather we are having here in NYC. It will be great to have them walk around barefoot in the grass and sand and just be outdoor boys.

Nothing's stressing me out today...it's all good.

I did a 14 month old photo shoot. Funny to see it frame by frame:)

This face is a new one for Whoop Whoop. Cracks me up every time. He's holding a plastic coaster. I keep them on the table beside the couch and every morning when they are BFing, at some point they have to crawl to the side and 'get' their coasters, then they come back and keep BFing each with a coaster in each hand. Aren't kids crazy funny??

Dreamin' of Manarola

2011-04-01T12:51:00.008-04:00

Ruby's post about her upcoming trip to the Cinque Terre in Italy sent me running to look through old photos.

Ah, the gorgeous memories.

It's gray and rainy and cold here today. Grunter is in a MOOD and I have errands to run in yucky weather. Ah well, someday we'll go to Italy again.

That view of the sea, which we had while laying down in our bed, can be found by booking a room here. (and yes, they have kitchens).

The Children Have Ears

2011-03-24T15:42:00.003-04:00

Today, while the munchkins tottered and crawled around me, I put Grandma on speaker phone and tried to have more than a 5 minute conversation. We are making the trip to Middle America in May and I want them to at least recognize the grandparents voices. Maybe?

Anyway, my mom was talking about her grandchild who is a couple of months older than the twins. Apparently her favorite word is 'bite' and she says it all the time. I asked if she was a biter? Well, yes, she is in fact but what she means is a 'bite of food' as in "Do you want a bite?"

Ahhh.

We don't use that term because we sign and say 'more' not 'bite'. (Maybe it's also a Midwestern thing??) The only time I use the word bite is when breastfeeding.

Then, my mom asks if the kids are biters because you know "most kids at that age are". Um..no. We don't have a biting problem at.....MotherF*cking OUCH.....all. (I did not swear out loud, but clenched my teeth in pain).

At this point, Whoop Whoop, having heard the word "bite" over and over and over again, wandered over and BIT MY NIPPLE THROUGH MY TANK TOP and then toddled off again.

We were, after all, saying "Bite" not "No Biting"!

Bad Cop

2011-03-23T16:27:00.004-04:00

After music class today, I was called the "bad cop" by another mom. She didn't mean it in a bad way. You see, we'd been talking about temper tantrums. We've had a little preview here and there...but I wouldn't say we've dealt with any true tantrums.

Then again, when they start up, I walk away/look away/ignore the behavior. I've been know to say "go on with your bad self".

The other moms looked at me in disbelief. "And it works?" "Yes..so far."

I am a pretty strict disciplinarian. I do believe that at this age they need to know boundaries and they ARE out to test those boundaries, no doubt. I am here to set the boundaries and make sure that I follow through with what I say.

One thing that is working very well with me is 1-2-3. I don't know if this is the traditional 1-2-3, but it's what I do. I tell the boys in advance what is expected of them and I let them know that I'll only count to 3 and that's the end of the story.

I'll give you an example of the first time I used this:

We started toothbrushing time with real toothbrushes. It was a HUGE fight to get them to give the toothbrushes back afterwards. They just wanted to play and many tears and much screaming ensued. One night, I thought, "I'm going to tell them that when it's time to give the toothbrushes back, I'm going to count to 3 and then they have to give them to mommy."

Effing Magic, I tell you. It was brilliant. We do it every night and there's never been a single protest.

Another example: There's no standing in the bathtub. None. You don't sit down and you're out of the tub. We started counting in the tub, but it wasn't working. Then, one night I decided to tell them right before we got in the tub what was expected of them and that I would count to 3 if they were standing up and if they didn't sit down, they had to get out.

Magic Stuff--for the most part. Doesn't always work, but it has made it 98% better.

If you start throwing food off your highchair tray, I take that tray away and tell you we don't throw food. You bonk your brother in the head with a toy I take the toy away and tell you why.

No, you cannot touch my computer/iPhone/stereo/etc. Those are mommy's. Period. I try to have those things put away when I'm with them, but it's hard and not always possible and I do want them to know they are not 'toys'.

In short, I don't put up with much bullshit and try to run a pretty tight ship. Chicken is a little more lenient than me...so I suppose she could be the 'good cop', but we are both on the same page when it comes to discipline.

I don't think I'm a bad cop, I just think now is the time to set standards.

Are you a bad cop or a good cop? Do you think I'm too strict?

Friendships. The Casualty of Kids (and PPD)

2011-03-22T19:27:00.000-04:00

I know some of you have hinted at this in your own blogs and I've been thinking about it for quite some time myself.

When you are pregnant people tell you things like how much your life is going to change and people who you thought were your friends will disappear.

Chicken and I took a good look around and thought..."who will it be?"

We thought we had a pretty good idea, but we were wrong. There are lesbians who've been tight with us for years who have pretty much dropped off the face of the earth for close to a year now. Too busy, they say...but FB is a demon. We know they are in our neighborhood, out and about.

When the boys were itty bitty, they wanted to stop by and could find the time to come over and hold a baby. But when the babies started getting more active and coming over involved more 'twin wrangling work' rather than sitting around and eating/talking/relaxing while a baby slept in your arms....they stopped coming over.

It's hard to just 'visit' with people when you are trying to raise twins. There is always something that I need to be doing or a kid to be watching or....the list goes on and on. It's hard to meet other moms at playgrounds and groups because I'm going in two different directions and can't stand there and talk. And mostly, it's hard in this city. Because as much as I really do love my neighborhood and love this city, there aren't ANY gay/lesbian families near us. We've got friends in Jersey and upstate and Brooklyn, but it is very difficult for us to get to these places cheaply and easily...

The last time we ventured to Jersey for an afternoon birthday party we spent over $100 on a Zipcar and then got it back late and incurred a $50 fine (which was later reversed because I argued it...) PLUS the cost of the birthday gift! It's just not something we can do every weekend no matter how much we miss our friends and want to see them.

We've been lucky to make some 'mommy' friends here in our 'hood, but we know that they...like us...might not stick around. It's easy to have a baby in Manhattan. It's much harder to have children. There comes a point that most people make a run to the burbs (or Brooklyn!) or a smaller city or pack it all up and head to the country.

We don't know where we'll end up and most of my friends here in the city are also unsure.

I grew up in a life of uncertainty. I had a different address every year for most of life. We have lived in this apartment for 6 years which is the longest time I've ever remained in one place. I have never lived in a house my entire life. Owning a house is a completely foreign concept to me.

As much as I accept my gypsy soul, I also want some level of stability for my boys.

I'd like for them to have a home and grow up with the same friends. I'd like to make friends, really GOOD friends--other parents and raise our kids together, going to the same schools, babysitting for each other, hanging out at different houses.

This could still happen, even here in NYC. It doesn't have to be 'somewhere else'. But I feel like everyone I meet is only here for a limited amount of time before finding greener (and bigger and cheaper) grass somewhere else.

And the friends I used to have? The childless ones have slowly faded away, seen only once or twice a year. Others have moved away for good. Some have disappeared completely--even though they may live very close by. Those with children are understanding, but have busy lives themselves and don't live close enough to just get together at random.

When I moved to NYC 13 years ago, I formed a fast, tight knit group of friends. We spent almost every weekend together. Then one by one...the 3 year window* hit and most of them were victims. Our circle was broken.

A new circle was formed when Chicken and I met. This time my social circle looked like a cross between Sex and the City and The L Word. Many, many, many parties and all of the debauchery that goes with crazy parties. I outgrew the debauchery and lost my circle of friends who were still going strong. It was fun while it lasted.

And then came my solo travels and the MBA and the baby plans and Chicken traveling 5 days a week for work. Friends were lost. Friends moved. Friends were outgrown.

I know I haven't been the best friend this past year and I'm thankful so many people have stuck by me even when I couldn't have been very pleasant to support.

I haven't been myself and haven't had the energy to do much other than focus on my kids and get through the day. There have been phone calls ignored and emails unanswered and plans cancelled because all I wanted to do was sleep. Just being a friend and exerting that kind of energy sounded too challenging and fatiguing.

But it's a new year and a new reality for me now. I'm ready to get myself back and that means either getting my friends back or making some new ones.

Either way--I need more of a support group than I currently have. I used to have a very strong circle of female and male friends. I miss it terribly. I ache for it. My best friends are scattered all over the world now. I can't get them all back in one place. But, I can be a better friend to them and try my best to make new ones now.

*Three years is a changing point for people who live in NYC. Most leave by the 3 year mark. If you stay past 3 years, chances are you are either staying for good or at least for a VERY long time.