Happy (Early) New Year!

I'm going silent for a week, so I just wanted to say Happy New Year to everyone out there.

This year has been wonderful for some, difficult for others.  

I, personally, am so thankful for my internet 'support' group.  My best friend was asking me today, "what do you think you'd be doing if you weren't blogging?" and I replied, "slowly going crazy."

Seriously, blogging about this experience has been the best therapy ever.

I am in awe of the kindness of strangers and the friends I've made this past year.

We're all in this together.

If I could reach out and hug all of you, I would.

May 2009 bring everything you wish for!

PS--I have zero time now, but I'm totally doing Queerstork's Year in Review when I get back!!!

Hola, Cabo San Lucas!

The rules were: find something as cheap as possible, preferably leaving New Years Eve.

Mission Accomplished.

I Love Free Things.

In less than 37 hours (at, cough, 6am) I'll be on a plane to Baja California. In 40 hours K will be on a different plane. Then we will meet again. You see, we found an (almost) free vacation! I had enough miles in my Delta account for a free flight and she had enough miles in her Continental account. So, we can't fly together, but we land within an hour of each other (she got a later, direct flight, lucky her) and then we'll go spend a week at our free resort on the beach (compliments of K's hotel points).

Also, with K's oh-la-la elite hotel status, we've been upgraded to the club level which means free buffet breakfast every morning and free happy hour and appetizers from 5-7pm everyday. So, with our Christmas money ($900) we've rented a car for the week, decided to go diving a couple of times, do some kayaking and snorkeling in the Sea of Cortez and we'll take a boat out to go whale watching as it's the perfect season for the migration.

It would be great if we don't spend any of our 'own' money, but the food is really expensive in Cabo and we may want to splurge on a few meals, though I'm fine siting on a beach eating tacos til the end of time.
I'll only have to use three vacation days and it will be incredible to spend a week in the sun pretending that I'm not looking IVF straight on. We both wish our bodies were a bit more bikini ready, but it is what it is. Must remember to get bikini wax during lunch hour tomorrow or else we are going to have a SITC 'situation'!
Packing up tonight...cat sitter is staying at our house for the week..life is good.
My wife leaves me every week, but the payoff is good. We'll be in Mexico by early afternoon Wednesday and plan to spend the day on the beach and the evening dancing in the New Year!

Life is Indeed Very Good.The Vacations That Got Away: (if you're interested)

• Cancun--free flights with miles and free hotel, but...I hate Cancun. I love going further south, but Starwood has no properties outside of Cancun. Plus, I've been to the Yucatan 4 times already.
  
• St. Maarten/St. Martin--flights are super cheap right now $238 RT and K had a week's worth of hotel points. BUT no club floor at the hotel and everything is in Euro's = tres expensive.
• Aruba--flights are also $238 and we could have a free hotel for a week, but...it's Aruba. There are beautiful beaches, yeah, but there are all those casinos. I'm not a gambler.
• Skiing Out West--again amazing airfares, but my ski bum knee hasn't been properly conditioned and I've slacked off my PT exercises. I'm afraid if I pushed it I'd be hobbling around again. Plus, K needs new ski equipment and we would've only had 1 day to get everything. Lastly, trying to talk me into a cold weather vacation while I'm freezing at my mother-in-law's is not a good idea.

A Whole Lotta Damn's.

Home Again. Thank GOD.

I forgot just how damn cold my MIL's house is. She's like a popsicle, that one. I do love sitting in the living room with the fire going and everyone hanging out. Except this year. The wood got wet and all we got was a lousy DuraFlame which doesn't give out any damn heat. Did you know that?? I did not. And so, there was nowhere to go in the house except upstairs to our bedroom where we control the heat. Needless to say, I spent many hours under the covers sleeping, reading and spooning in order to stay alive. I'm sure I was tagged the anti-social daughter-in-law.

We got home on Saturday night and it is SO nice to be home again. Four days with family is really about 2 days too long for me. K's family is great, but if the weather is not cooperative (icy and/or rainy) there's nothing to do. I mean nothing. It starts to get a little Shining-like. Games are all fine and dandy but not if you're going to freeze to death playing them. I was beyond bored and so ready to go home by Christmas night.

I forgot to mention that I spoke to my mom on Christmas morning while I was crying in bed. One thing this past year has taught me is that my mom--despite the mother she was (or wasn't) while I was growing up--has changed. She will never be the mother I wish for, but she's doing a damn good job being there for me with this TTC journey.
At times like this, a mother's support is priceless. K's family is very supportive, but they are mostly happy alcoholic ostriches. They will hug you, but they don't want to talk about 'it' or hear about 'it' because then they have to confront that everything is not OK. I liken them to having their heads in the sand like an ostrich and when forced to face reality (you know, like, everyday) the solution is to drink! Which is why there is a strict starting time of a 5pm cocktail hour in their household.

So while I 'feel' their support around us, it's not like my mother who wants to know how I am and what's next and she's so sorry and how much she's praying for us. Just knowing that someone is not afraid to talk about 'it' means so much.
This TTC journey has taken so long that I think K's family has no idea what to say. I never dreamed I'd have a child by Christmas, but I thought I'd at least be pregnant. Hey, I know how old I am and I thought I was aiming realistically! Christmas was hard. Much harder than I ever thought it would be.

My clinic was closed over the holidays so there was no way to come in for Day 3 bloodwork. That's OK, it's too late for me to do an IVF cycle for Januaray anyway as they are solidly booked. AF was not herself (again) this month. She came a day late, but her visit was clotting and crampy and only lasted 2 days. This is not usual for me.
I can't believe I'm taking another break, but here we are: one month on, one month off since August.
It's good for my body to take a breather and clear out some of the drugs before we start pumping me full up again but damn I feel like I'm running out of time.

The miscarriage, combined with a failed/poor responder IVF cycle immediately following, has left me in a low-hope stage.
I had remained incredibly hopeful up until October. This past year has been difficult, but not nearly as hard as it could be. I have never been without hope that I can do this.
When I failed to respond to the IVF drugs, it hit me that IVF isn't the magic bullet. Yes, I have options and I am so damn lucky to have them, but none of the options will guarantee me a real live baby.
When I realized this is when I started losing hope. So I'm going into this next cycle trying my best to keep my head up and find that hope again.

This baby, in whatever form it takes, will come when it is ready to be here with us.
I just have to accept this and let it go.
I find this is much easier to do on a beach.

Eight is Enough

It's negative.
No, AF hasn't arrived and my temp hasn't dropped, but we did end up buying tests on Tuesday night and I used one this morning. Not even a ghost of a line.
I didn't even have any tears this morning. I just felt empty.
Hours later when I went downstairs for breakfast, K's older brother told me he was sorry and then it hit me.
Having no appetite, I returned upstairs, got under the covers and bawled my head off.
K came up with a cup of (real) coffee and held me while I cried.

An hour later, she came back up with a laptop and told me to plan a vacation. She'd take me wherever I wanted to go as long as she didn't have to be on a plane for over 10 hours.
This is a woman who knows how to get me out of my funk.
No, it doesn't solve anything, but hearing the words "travel" makes my heart go pitter pat.

I finally made it downstairs by noon for gift giving and pumpkin bread eating, followed by a long winter's walk through the woods.
My spirits have been lifted.

I am surrounded by people who love me; kind, wonderful, generous people. They feed me, give me space when I need it, and hug me when I'm down.
We are lucky and fortunate in so many ways. This is just a blip on my universe of life.
Yes, it's been 8 tries. Yes, it's been almost a year. Yes, it's getting harder. Yes, I should be 5 months pregnant now but that didn't happen.

I need to stay positive and I'm trying really hard to do that. The universe has thrown a lot of shit at me many times in life, but I've always come out on top.
We have a wonderful life and I need to keep things in perspective.

I believe there's an IVF train leaving the station in 2009. Can you ladies fit another passenger on board?

Merry Whatever!

Namesake

Remember this post and how hurt I was that these women never contacted me to tell me they got pregnant?
Well, they found me.
They were adamant that without my help, they would not be pregnant right now.
I met them for dinner and she gave me all of her leftover Follistim, PIO, needles, etc. They refused to let me pay for anything because "I had done them such a huge favor by giving them a crash course in TTC/IVF 101".
And--get this--they want to name their baby after me!
They don't know if they are having a boy or a girl..and my name is actually an old Irish male name but is commonly used for girls in the USA, so who knows!?!
I am seriously blown away by this!

Today is a much better day. I'm out of the house and in the office and I'll leave directly from here and take a train upstate.
I'm looking forward to being with K's family. They live far away from anything civilized in the mountains. With all of the snow they've been having, we're sure to have a white Christmas.
I've got all my ski gear with me and I'm sure the weekend will involve some snowshoeing, cross-country skiing and depending on if AF comes or not, some down-hill skiing, too.

All of your sweet comments over the last couple of days have really helped my spirits. I didn't buy any more tests and I'm not going to. I'm just going to hope for the best and wait.
The nearest store is over 1/2 hour away, so I'll have to want to POAS pretty bad if I go get a test!

Just a Few Reasons Why I Married Her

After making a very short list Saturday morning of "people I hope to never meet because they clearly have a stick up their ass", we managed to have a wonderful holiday weekend.

K got stuck in Vegas last week during the freaky snow storm and didn't get home until Friday.

She was supposed to leave town again Saturday morning which I was super bummed out about. But as luck would have it (for me!) weather in other parts of the country prevented the trip.

It's been a long, long time since I've had my wife all to myself, with no plans on a holiday weekend.  She didn't even have any work to do!!

We braved the cold Saturday and shopped outside in the Union Square holiday markets, making our way on foot to midtown where we looked at Ma.cy's windows.  Then we figured, we made it this far--why not go up to 5th Ave, Bryan.t Park and R.ockefeller Center? We walked up to see those lights, the tree and made it a total 'tourist in NYC night'--complete with burgers, fries and a shake at the this Joint inside the Le Parker Me.ridien.  After all that walking, we deserved it! 

It was great fun although we both forgot just how massive the crowds would be on the Saturday night before Christmas.

I love my wife.  When the tears came Sunday morning she reminded me of the very long list of things we have in our lives and how lucky we are.  We have so much and so many options.  She assured me that whether this baby comes from my body, her eggs or a far away country--that we would have a child.

She cooked me pancakes and kissed away my tears and spooned me on the couch while Christmas music played and candles glowed.

She is so sweet and kind and relentlessly positive no matter how doubtful I become.

This morning after staring at the pregnancy test that has been mocking me for days to pee on it, I gave in.  Yes, me, harper of 'don't test early!' broke down and POASed 3 days early.

It was clearly negative.  And with that, I decided to work from home and crawled back in bed with K.

I have not left the house.  I have not showered.  I have not gotten dressed and I'm still in my pj's and about to go back to bed until tomorrow.

I can't help but compare my chart over and over, every freaking day, to my 'successful BFP' chart in August.  This chart is so similar.  I tested on Day 26 that month and it was negative. And then I looked closer.  It's Day 26.  The only 2 months out of 8 tries I've ever tested early and they are both on the same day.

There's still hope.

But at this point, I don't think I'm buying another test.  I'll either get my period in a few days.  Or I won't.

She Won.

7 Wks.
She’s been avoiding my questions for 3 weeks now, but I knew. We share the same cycle. I knew when she was trying because it was the same time I was. I knew when she was testing. And yet, she kept being evasive “oh any time now” “my cycle is a little off”.

We went to a team lunch and she passed on the wine. We ordered sushi and she wouldn’t tell me which rolls she was ordering.
My boss is pregnant. She’s the same age as me, but she’s got fresh sperm. I love my wife and I love my life, but this past year has really made me wish I were straight. Or a lesbian with benefits. Or something.

She’s pregnant. I’m not.
There are SEVEN pregnant women in my office right now. I see swollen bellies and radiant faces every freaking day, but now I get to be around hers. All the time.
It was so hard to be happy and congratulatory to her. I’m sure she saw the cloud register on my face when she told me. And she didn’t tell me! I cornered her and asked her point blank and then she told me.
I thought it was pretty shitty that I’ve been so honest and truthful and upfront with her on everything—and I told her so. She asks questions—I answer. But she wasn’t as forthcoming with me.
I get it, she wasn’t sure, she wanted to be sure…she was going to tell me, she feels really bad. I know, I know.

This hurts. I knew it would be really hard if she got pregnant first. She hasn’t had to go through ANYthing. No drugs. No ultrasounds. No 10K spent on sperm. She just has sex in a fucking rent control apartment while I spend all my money on sperm that I can’t even enjoy in my overpriced market rent apartment.
I kind of hate her right now. She drinks coffee. All the time. She gave up nothing.

It’s snowing outside and I think I’m going to leave now, walk home and cry.

Please let me be pregnant.