Why I Hate Meetings

Because I just cannot concentrate and I don't have that much to say.  I try so hard and look alert and say all the right things, but mentally I wander...

"OK, I'm in a meeting, concentrate.  It's really cold in here, I wonder if this jacket is going to keep me warm enough for the next hour.  I hate being cold.  Keep making eye contact.  Not too much, you don't want to just stare at her.  I wonder if I'm pregnant.  I could be pregnant, right?  Oh shit, no I can't.  I haven't had an IUI yet.  Definitely not pregnant.  But maybe I'll get pregnant this time.  Why are they talking so much?  This project is boring. There's not that much to talk about.  I wish I had another job.  Oh shit, I just tried to stifle a yawn but a little came out.  I hope they didn't see me.  Participate, nod your head, say 'right, right'.  I need to call my RE.  We need to talk.  I'm going to end up doing IVF, aren't I?  That sucks.  Actually the needles suck.  I'm very scared of the needles.  Look alert!  Oh look, they have coffee, I wish I had some coffee.  I bet if I had coffee I'd talk more.  I wonder if I had more to say when I was caffeinated? Shit, they're both looking at me.  What did I miss?  Fuck.  Oh nothing, good.  Wow, I must've really spaced out that time.   Hey, window washers, hi guys!  Be careful.  That looks dangerous.  I'm glad I'm not a window washer.  That must be really fun looking in on everyone in their windows though.  That's kind of cool. I wonder what time it is.  Holy shit, it's only been 22 minutes.  Damn."

I cannot wait for this day to be over...because K flies home tonight and tomorrow we both work from home!!!

The "Pretending I'm Ma.donna" Workout

After every BFN, I've tried a handful of different things to cope with yet another negative.  But the "Pretending I'm Ma.donna" workout is the best thing yet.

Exercise, in general, always makes me feel better and I'd have to say since I'm more aware of my body than I've probably ever been in my life,  working out has been elevated to the top of my 'must do' list.  It makes me feel good and in control of something when so much of this process require you let go of control.  I like control.

We we first started talking about TTC, I spent the next year collecting information and fine tuning my body.  I wanted to be in the best shape possible before I got pregnant.  

I also made a promise to myself that I would do everything in my power to not gain weight during this process.

And I was all good....until the progesterone.

When I was a freshman in High School my mom left an abusive marriage, my brother was growing weed in the backyard and I was sent to live with distant relatives far away.

I remember being miserable and the only way to soothe myself was watching MTV all day long in the basement and eating my way through the summer.

That fall I started my sophomore year in a new school, new town and 25 lbs heavier.

I was miserable in a whole new way.

After HS and moving far, far away, all of the weight and the misery came off--but it took me making some incredible life changes.  Eating healthy foods and exercising were not things that came intuitively to me and growing up I had no role models to learn from.

Learning how to be healthy rather than being skinny has been a constant work in progress since those days.  In the past, it would be so easy for me to curtail food and not work out in order to compensate for a slight weight gain.  But that wasn't healthy for me and slowly I re-learned my relationship with food.  For while I was a vegetarian, once I cut out all sugars, over time I stopped drinking soda.  I studied nutrition and I loved learning about healthy ways of living.

So for awhile I'd felt like I'd really conquered this TTC/weight gain.  Then came the fertility drugs and the night I put on my favorite summer white pants and almost cried.

The BLOAT.  My panic.  The voice in my head saying I'm fat.  Knowing I'm not fat, I'm just bloated.  And maybe just a little bit fatter.

I wore them anyway and was miserable all through the meal.  But it didn't stop me from ordering dessert.  I didn't want to get on the scale, but I did.

It wasn't much, just a few pounds, but enough to make me freak out because it's the most weight I've gained in almost 20 years.  When I gain a few pounds, my clothes don't fit.  We're not talking 10 lbs, we're talking a few pounds.  I cannot afford a new wardrobe nor do I want one. 

Yes, I have issues with body image.

So when I got that BFN, I sat around for a couple of hours and then picked myself up, put my workout mix on my iPod and hit the gym for my "Pretending I'm Madonna" workout.  I did 90 minutes of yoga, 30 minutes of cardio and followed that by weights and abs for a 2.5 hour workout.

It was great!  And I kept it up the next day and through the weekend.  

And Monday...I wore the white pants to work!  Happy Happy Joy Joy!

I know I can't stave off the bloat and the few pounds that seem to creep on during the TWW, but I can work like hell to negate those effects during the non-TWW and that's what I intend to do.

I will not let this get me.

In my twisted mind of skinny women and NY models, if M.adonna can do it, I can do it.

That's so unrealistic, I know.  It's her job to work out and look good.

But right now, it's making my clothes fit.

Well at Least I Don't Have to Walk in the Rain.

AF muscled her way through the progesterone and is having a party in my panties right now.

No walk to the clinic in the rain.  No test to take.  No secret to keep.  

On to try #6.  The last IUI.  No pressure or anything, right?

I Have a Confession to Make

I didn't go take the test this morning. I took my temp and it had fallen, same pattern as last month when, yes, let's just say it: I was not pregnant.
It's better this way anyway. It would've been really hard to not say anything to her for 2 days and this way I don't have to worry about that.

When I took the trip to Boston I had to skip my progesterone Monday night since I couldn't figure out on the fly how it would make it up there without melting. I figured it would not hurt my body to miss one little pill popper this late in the cycle. However, it probably triggered my body to think it could go back to its regular programming...and then my temp dropped.
As an added bonus I had a slight headache today. The special kind of headache I only get right before my period.
So....let's just say I'd be totally surprised if I was pregnant.

I thought about stopping the suppositories tonight and just letting nature take its course. I'm sure I'd bleed within 48 hours. BUT. K says go take the test. So tomorrow, bright and early, I'll be giving blood again.

Actually, I have another confession to make. I've never bought a pregnancy test. I steal them.
Just KIDDING!!! When I started this process, a women in a TTC group I was attending gave me a bag with 3 tests and I used those for March, April and May. Then I ran out. And...well, I said I was frugal, didn't I?
It seemed silly to buy them when I could either just wait to bleed or go take a test at the clinic that would be 100% conclusive.
I've been waiting on one thing or another pretty much my whole life.
I guess I'm pretty good at waiting.

13 DPO...

It's been busy around here since my IUI.  I will say that the TWW has flown by and I'm super happy about that.

Not to bore you with the details, but here what's been going on (in Days Past Ovulation form):

2 DPO - Acupuncture for post IUI.  She says my temp cycle is the best one I've ever had and the timing looks great.

Hit a fab summer sale and picked up a beach dress for now...and later for Bali!

That evening headed out to Prospect Park to see the Brazilian G.irls in concert.  We went out with another couple, had an amazing picnic on the lawn and then as night fell the band took over and we danced in the Groove Zone until the parks dept shut us down. 

3 DPO - Back to Brooklyn (we love Park Slope!) and had the pleasure of finally meeting the lovely ladies from Babypants.  Hey Girls!  It was lesbian couples blind date!  We talked for two hours over tea before heading to Prospect Park (yes, again) to see Beth O.rton in concert.  It was mildly disappointing and we were wishing we'd gone to see Julietta V.enegas at Summer Stage instead, but then we wouldn't have met up with LBabypants and HBabypants, so it was worth it!

4 PDO - K's brother and wife from LA are in town!  We had 10 family members over to 'our' lawn and had brunch outside while we all caught up for hours.  It was so nice and relaxing. Later, K, the bro and I went on a nice long walk down the East River esplanade before coming home and cooking up a delicious meal using all of our vegetables from our farm share.  Perfect weekend!

6 DPO - Noticed that the progesterone hasn't made me crazy this cycle.  That could also be because last month I was taking double the dosage I was supposed to!  Yep, the pharmacist fucked up and told me to take 200mg twice a day, but the RE says...no!  Only once!  K is here to vouch for me that I am not having any bitchy side effects at all this month and that is soooo nice for everyone in this house!

Therapist says this is the happiest she has ever seen me.  I am happy, it's true.  I feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

8 DPO - Went to my friend's art gallery opening.  Saw lots of friends, so good to be around people who care about me.  Walked across town with a BF, her adorable son and caught up on life.  Beautiful summer night, wanted to stay out forever.

9 DPO - Had dinner with 4 other friends at a yummy Brazilian restaurant.  Tried to go salsa dancing afterwards, but the DJ had other tunes in mind, so we headed out for gelato and called it a night.

10 DPO - Met up for brunch in the West Village with another TTC couple we met on a lesbian online forum.  This was the 2nd time we'd met them and we had so much fun!  Really wished they lived closer so we could get together more often.

That night...I relived my youth by going to see YAZ in their final farewell concert.  Now, I know most of my readers might not know who YAZ/YAZOO is (and if you do, drop me a line!) but let me just say:  They are the duo of Alison Moyet and Vince Clark and they were just as brilliant tonight--25 years later--as they were in 1983 when they split.  After the split, Moyet went on to a brilliant solo career and Clark formed Erasure (I know you've heard of them, right?!) and found a lead singer, Andy Bell, who vocally was a dead ringer for Moyet.  

It was so amazing to see the people in their 30's, 40's and 50's dancing around like teenagers again.  I went with one of best girlfriends for over 16 years and we had a great time reliving our youth (and tried to not think too much about that 25 years part....)!

11 DPO - K and I got up early, met three friends and headed out to Long B.each for some playa time.  I can't believe we're nearly at the end of July and just now getting to the beach!  We've decided we need to get out here a bit more and build up a base tan for vacation.  Lovely day spent reading, people watching, chilling with friends, long walks and eating.  I love the beach.

12 DPO - Off to Boston for a business trip

13 DPO - Back from Boston.  My boss is brilliant but can talk for 3.5 hours RT and then some....I am exhausted and need some quiet time, so doing nothing but reading tonight.  The cats really missed me.

And tomorrow...it will be testing time.

I've had symptoms oh yes I have, many abdominal pains, heartburn, a couple bouts of nausea and for the last 3 days tits that feel as if I'm slinging around bowling balls.  What could it be?  Could be the C.lomid.  Coud be the progesterone.  Could be my period.  Could be.....pregnant?

I am hopeful.  I do have hope.

But you'll have to wait until Friday to find out because K and I have decided that if I am pregnant, she wants to hear it in person. Since her flight generally doesn't get her home until after midnight on Thursdays, that means either way, I can't say what the verdict is until then.

Belated congratulations to the lovelies over at Now That You Know!  Way to go ladies!  I knew third time was a charm!!!!

We have a Winner!

Queerstork guessed correctly!  We are going to Bali and then to the Gilli Islands off the coast of Lombok.

Lizzie from Two Chicks in Pursuit of a Babe guessed Java / Bora Bora so I'm giving props to her as well since Java is sooo close and Bora Bora was on the list of places we were considering.

I had a feeling these two would be the winners as Queerstork and I are neck-in-neck for countries visited and Lizzie is a world traveler, too.  Well Done Ladies!

If both of you will PM me, I'll get your details and you'll get a free I Love NY T-shirt!

This contest really weeded out the map junkie/geography students, didn't it?   Years ago, I got this laminated world map that I mounted on foam core and framed.  It hangs in our bathroom and has tiny colored push pins with all the places we've been.  Every time I get home from a trip, I can't wait to add another pin.  I'm out to conquer that world map. When we have guests, they tend to stay in the loo longer then usual!  

Yes, Rachel, you are right.  We plan to keep right on traveling with this baby. It will be different, but it will be wonderful and we can't wait!!

More Contest Clues!

• We've been to this country recently
  
• We started to go to this island in 2004, but a political situation changed our mind
  
• This island is completely unique to the country
  
• Many expats arrive and never leave
• I was offered a job on this island last year but declined due to TTC plans