You've Got to be Kidding Me.

Surprise, it's CD 1.  It's not supposed to be.  AF is 4-5 days early.  I've been spotting for the last 6 days.  I never spot in between cycles and no one has a clue why I was spotting.

Last night I took my last antagon shot--all 3 shots for nothing.

Today I was supposed to change my estrogen patch.  I took off the old one...and did not put on a new one.

Remember this post?  I knew something was up....I just didn't feel right.

I'm canceling this IVF cycle.  My body is obviously out of whack and I'm not spending the last of the IVF money on a cycle that is already this screwed up.

I'll go in for Day 2 bloods tomorrow and see what the numbers are, but I'm not continuing.

At this point, I think I'll sit out the month of February and do a March IVF cycle.

I have been waiting for so long.  I waited for K to be ready.  I waited for K to finish her MBA.  I waited to save up enough money.  I have been waiting for over 4 years.  I am so tired of waiting.  These are the days where I seriously start to doubt if it will ever happen.  I want to be pregnant or K to be pregnant or to start adoption or to start fostering or SOMETHING.  Instead I am just waiting.

And if one more well-meaning person tells me to, "relax" or "I know of couples who were trying and as soon as they just stopped focusing on it, they got pregnant!" or "don't stress about it"--I swear, I will scream.  

To me, that's like someone who has no addictions whatsoever, telling a heroin addict to "just stop focusing so much on their next fix and sobriety will come!  You can become clean if you just relax!"  

Really, if you have never tried to get pregnant and had problems doing so--you need to Shut the F*ck Up!

Shakespeare in the Park, Day 1

AF arrived bright and early Friday morning, so no beach.

I was expecting monster cramps and while they were worse than normal, it wasn't so bad.

My RE hasn't gotten back to me as he's out today, but I talked to a nurse and we agreed that I should come in tomorrow for Day 2 testing of my FSH and E2.  I haven't had it done since March and just want to make sure that all of my levels are checking out OK.  If they are too high, I might as well cancel the cycle.

She also told me I could have a chat with another RE on duty when I came in.  Quite frankly, I am excited to get a second opinion as I feel like I'm at a crossroad and I don't know which way to go.

Last night I met some friends out on the Upper West Side for drinks and tapas before heading off to Central Park's Delacorte Theatre for Shakespeare in the Park.

Oh William!  Why 3.5 hours long??  But, the setting outside was gorgeous as was the play, Hamlet.

It's amazing to be smack dab inside Manhattan but feel like you're in a forest in the country.

Wonderful.

These productions are free, but the catch is that you must start standing in line early in the morning (we're talking 6am) to get the free tix.

Luckily, my friend Mme X, apparently knows someone in the Shakespeare mafia who got us tix for $25--a price I will gladly pay to not stand in line!

Still Spotting

And freaking out.  It's not AF, but it's not normal.  It comes and it goes now for almost 4 days.

I broke down this morning and took a test...BFN...but with a possible faint second line.

We went to brunch and in the bathroom I was SURE I had started my period, then came home and nothing!

This is maddening!!!!

I'm playing Dr. Google and while there's loads of information, it's all different.

My nurse called me back yesterday and encouraged me to try to wait until at least Monday if not Tuesday to test (which of course I failed to wait!).

K is really doing her best to keep my spirits up, be supportive, keep me from buying a pregnancy test and talking to me about our future vacation plans--that always takes my mind off of bad things!

Thinking of Bali, not going to test, thinking of Bali, not going to test....

Going on a long, long walk now....goodbye internets.

How Long Can You Stare at the Crotch of Your Panties?

Crotch.  What a word and not a very attractive one, either.  Most words that are ugly in English usually end up sounding great in French, but this one fails me "organ genitale" is roughly what is translates to and I don't find much comfort in this either.

But let's get back to my crotch, shall we?

For the first time, I *think* I'm having symptoms.  Like spotting.  I mean, something is going on and it's not normal...and spotting is the closest description I can provide without completely grossing out my gay, male readers (and yes, I do have a few believe it or not!).  If indeed this is what's happening then it could well be implantation bleeding that I'm seeing a bit of and that would be right on target as it's 9DPO...or AF is rearing her bloody head and bearing down upon me--Really F*cking Early--a week early.

Of course, I'm hoping for the former for obvious reasons and if it's the latter, not only will I feel let down once again by AF's arrival, but also more distraught than ever as it will mean my cycle is incredibly out of whack.

I'm also having a bit of cramping, more yesterday than today....and I can't be sure if it was because my 12 pound cat had just stepped squarely on them or what, but I'm pretty sure my breasts are more tender than normal.

Fatigue has also been present.  I've been in meetings for the last two days and found myself yawning non-stop, really fighting to stay awake.  Now, one one hand, it could just very well be that because I have relatives staying in my house and we are staying up later than usual and I don't sleep as well with guests....OR....it could be THE FATIGUE.  

Whatever it is, I left work early yesterday, came home and took a nap.  I never do that.  Never.

As I sat on the toilet last night...pondering this new found symptom, I reached down for my last pregnancy test strip.

I got a package of them for free and have one left...turning it over I found the expiration date, 5/08.

I'm taking that as a good sign!