March FSH Day 2 Test

I did my Day 2, FSH and E2 today and they came back great!

FSH 8.5, E2, 43

Dr. VID is happy, I’m happy!

I go in on March 15, Day 11 for more bloodwork and U/S (ultrasound).
From there they will determine what my levels look like and how many follicles I’ve got growing in there.
One way or another though, it looks like I’ll be doing my first IUI in less than two weeks.

How exciting!

I was missing a document that the Cryobank needed for storage and so my 12K order didn’t go through yesterday.
Today I was too scared to place it. Maybe I only need to use one vial per cycle? Then I could buy less.

What to do, what to do….

I’m going to ponder and do it tomorrow for sure. I need to talk to K again and with her schedule it’s hard to find time to talk during the week and right now….she’s on a plane coming home!! Yeah!

Maybe I'll try an IUI

My third FSH came back last Friday.

It’s normal, totally normal. I mean, it’s elevated slightly, but well within an OK range.

What does this mean? Did I have a faulty lab blood test? I’m beginning to really think that I did.

Even my RE is mystified at the huge range in numbers. Even with the lab operating on a different scale, those numbers are too far off.

I sat on it for a couple of days as I thought about the idea of doing an IUI. Me. My Baby. Not that having K’s egg’s wouldn’t make it my baby, because ultimately it’s going to be OUR baby, but I’m starting to think I wouldn’t mind a little mini me so much after all.

When I thought that I couldn’t have children, my mind mentally shut off the idea and I didn’t care to dwell on it anymore. I had a brief cry in the kitchen one night and felt a little blue, but really didn’t want to go there because what was the point. I’ve suffered from enough hardness, sadness and depression in my lifetime, I really didn’t want this to throw me back to the dark recesses of my mind. I had comfort knowing there was a backup plan, K’s eggs, either in my (perfect!) uterus or her own. One way or another we would have children.

But these blood tests change everything. Over the past couple of days I’ve found myself thinking, “hey, who I am isn’t that bad, it wouldn’t be such a bad thing to pass on these genes”, in the end…well, it’s all really a crap shoot, isn’t it?

FSH #3

Thoroughly confused.

I had my third and final FSH test this morning. It's 11.8, totally within an OK range. I feel very strongly that the first test was a lab error. It just doesn't make sense for all three test to come back with good/OK range numbers and that first test of 21 to be so high.

This changes everything. I'm more confused than ever. We thought we were on to IVF using K's eggs. Deal done. When do we start?

Not so fast now...I haven't talked to my RE, but I'm beginning to feel like maybe I should try. He told me the last time we spoke that I am his normal age range and that he would think it perfectly OK to try with me first.

Oh The Mind Spinneth

I've been looking at the sticky note with my Clomid Challenge Test scores all morning long.
There is it, a pink square of paper that says "Here they are. Which way do we go now?"

Just as I reached for the phone, my mobile rang and what do you know but it's the good doctor himself calling me to talk about the scores.

My scores are good, they are in the normal range. I'm OK.
Except for that pesky score in December..... The number that set the panic button off and made me realize all of my carefully laid plans had suddenly been uprooted and I was now a bona fide member of the TTC (trying to conceive) rollercoaster.

He agrees, it's a mystery. That large of a jump just doesn't make sense. Since the first blood test was done at my OB/GYN and they outsource to Quest, it's possible it was a lab error. The others were done right at the VEFC (Very Expensive Fertility Center).

Or it could've been the stress that December morning. I was trying to catch a train to Boston and running late, I had to wait almost an hour at the clinic. I'd hadn't had anything to eat/drink that morning, my body was hyper-caffeinated from a giant cappuccino....it could've been a lot of things.
Maybe my body felt old that month and my eggs were saying "don't pick me, I'm no good". I don't know.

Here's a re-cap of the scores.

• January 2007 Score 8
  
• December 2007 Score 21 WTF???
  
• January 2008 Score 6
• CCCT January 2008 Score 12.4

What will get me the quickest, healthiest baby with the least amount of money? That's what it really comes down to.
I'm a logical kind of girl and VID (Very Important Doctor) is a logical kind of guy. We work well together.
It seems logical to me that the answer is....IVF with donor eggs. Specifically, K's eggs which are eight years younger than my own.
While he's not pushing me in any one direction, he agrees with my logic.

Two weeks ago I thought I couldn't use my eggs.
Score says "Egg Finish" "Ovarian Reserve in Short Supply!"
But now...it's a whole new baby egg game.

I now have to figure out if it's a baby I want or if it's my genetic baby I want.
To most women this is probably a no-brainer, but for me....it's not that easy.

The Clomid Challenge

With my shockingly low new number (6) for the second FSH test yesterday, I thought maybe I should take the Clomid Challenge test. With an FSH score of 21 last month, this test was not worth taking as my FSH was so elevated.
The clomiphene citrate (Clomid) challenge test (CCCT) is a sensitive means to measure ovarian reserve and is often conducted if the FSH level is 10-15 mIU/mL or the E2 is >65 pg/mL.
The Clomid Challenge Test is routinely performed at clinics in women aged 38 years or older regardless of how the cycle day 3 levels look. This will identify patients with incipient ovarian dysfunction.

Starting tomorrow, I'll be taking Clomid for five days and then will take another FSH and E2 test the next day to see how my body responded to the hormone.

Learn more here:
http://www.clomid.havingbabies.com/clomid-challenge-test.html

FSH #2

Tomorrow is Day 3 of my cycle and that means I get to spend my Sunday morning (between 7-9am) sitting in a fertility center waiting room. I can't think of better times.

But seriously, I'm trying to be really positive about it. There are lots of things to be positive about and I have decided to go that route rather than focus on how bloody early and cold it is.

I'm dragging K with me by tempting her with this great brunch place we've always wanted to try in the neighborhood. We've never made it there b/c by the time we get up there, they have a line 20 deep and a wait of up to 2 hours. Welcome to New York City some might say. I say, no thanks. But I figure since we'll be there by 9am (or before!) we should have no problems getting in.

I have a strategy for weekend doctor's visits:

• Get up early enough to walk to the Clinic. I hate being late and I hate rushing. It gets me all worked up and stressed out.
• Go have a great breakfast afterwards
• See a movie. That's right, the movie theater nearby shows the first show of every weekend at a discount price ($6!). I never knew this. I think I'll see a movie every weekend even if I don't have to go to the Clinic.

The Consultation with the RE, Dr. VID

Trying to Impress Mr. VID (Very Important Doctor).

Everyone told me that I would have no problem getting pregnant. "Oh you look so young and you are so healthy, I'll bet you get pregnant on the first try." I was a bit more skeptical. My eggs don't care if I look my age and I don't think they care that much if I drink wheatgrass at age 38. It's not not they are hanging out saying, "Dude that was so healthy and good for us, we're taking on the chromosonal characteristics of a 20-year-old."

That would be nice, but um, no.

Today was the big day, meeting Dr. VID. He was shorter than I thought. Direct, but in a nice way. I had basically given myself a crash course in Fertility 101 in the three days prior to meeting him since my bad FSH test scores came back last Friday.

Follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH) is a hormone synthesised and secreted by gonatropes in the anterior pituitary gland. FSH and LH act synergistically in reproduction.

• In women, in the ovary, FSH stimulates the growth of immature Graafian follicles to maturation. As the follicle grows, it releases inhibin, which shuts off the FSH production.

High FSH levels

High levels of Follicle-Stimulating Hormone are indicative of situations where the normal restricting feedback from the gonad is absent, leading to an unrestricted pituitary FSH production. Whereas this is normal in women leading up to and during postmenopause, it is abnormal during the reproductive years.

If the FSH level is high during the reproductive years, this may be a sign of:

1. Premature menopause also known as Premature Ovarian Failure

My weekend was spent surfing the internet looking for ANYthing that would give me some encouragement that an FSH of 21 at age 38 wasn't bad news. I didn't find any hope. What I found were three fat letters. I.V.F. (In Vitro Fertilization)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/In_vitro_fertilization

And not just IVF, because a score of 21 is saying "decreased ovarian reserve"....but IVF with donor eggs.

Nothing like bypassing everything and just going for the most invasive thing possible, eh?

Of course, that's not the only option. A 38-year-old with an FSH can most certainly get pregnant on her own and give birth to a healthy child. It happens. If I were with a male partner, I could just 'keep on trying'. But because every time I have to 'keep on trying' it will require doctor's visits, drugs and the purchasing and shipping of donor sperm, those tries end up pretty costly. And it could take a really long time. I don't have a lot of time. I've already been waiting years, I would've like to have started this process a couple of years ago when a little voice went off in my head that said "My eggs are depleting as I stand here".

But, that's not the way things worked. There were a lot of other things going on, like the fact that I was backpacking around South and Central America and didn't really have a job...that prevented me from having a child at that point. We weren't ready. Our lives weren't ready. K was in grad school.

So we waited...for both of us to get our lives on the baby track.

Finally, we both felt it was the right time, we could do this, we were ready.

Only to find out...maybe it's too late.

Maybe it's done before it ever even started.

Maybe I wasn't meant to have children?

I mean, really, what does it mean?

All I do is listen to the soundtrack from the movie Amelie and dance in my living room.

Sometimes K comes out from the office and we dance together or I'll pick up the cat (but he doesn't seem to enjoy it nearly as much as I do).

I can't get enough of this soundtrack, especially the track "A Quai". It makes me swoon. If you haven't seen the movie, you really should.

It's happy and melancholy at the same time.

Mostly, it makes me smile a silly lopsided smile and keep dancing.