Wrong. M*therF*cker

I just talked to my RE, Dr. VID (not the Dr. who scanned me this morning).
This was not the good conversation I wanted, but it was the one I feared after finding out I only had 4 follicles this morning. They are NOT all the same size. They range from 6-12, so that is super sucky indeed as they should all be trucking along at the same rate.
Fuck me.
Turns out I'm a pretty poor responder to Follistim--even though I'm injecting the MAXIMUM amount.
WTF?!
I had an excellent response to Clomid and produced the same amount of follicles.
(is this the part where I'm supposed to remember that while I was in Bali I thought I should do another round of Clomid?)

I'm so tense right now and I sort of want to cry, but mostly I just feel deflated.
This may not be an IVF cycle. If he doesn't see much improvement in the next couple of days--we'll call it an IUI cycle.
I guess that's good news--it's not all lost.

We've only got one vial of sperm on ice at the RE's--I knew I should've ordered two. Now, I think I probably should another one just to be covered in case it's converted to an IUI cycle and we want to do 2 inseminations.

I haven't done shit at work today b/c I've been all over the internet looking at where other 39-year-old's are at this stage of the game--none of it has made me feel any better b/c everyone else seems to respond just wonderfully to Follistim. A wonder drug it is! Hahaha!

Dr. VID said I could try another IVF cycle if this one doesn't work, but agreed we'd be better off using K's eggs. Hers give me a 66% chance of success.

Jesus Fucking Christ. Seriously? Seriously?! This is what we were considering last January when this all began and now it's been 10 months and we're back to where we started.
Fuck Fuck Fuck.

OK, I'm done cursing now. Until the next post. Fuck.

IVF, Day 6

I made a mistake looking at my IVF calendar and I didn't have an ultrasound scheduled for yesterday, only a blood test for E2.
Today, I had both blood and U/S.

Here's where I am in Pufferfish IVF land:

Saturday Day 1- 450 mg Follistim (pm)
E2=37 no cysts found
Sunday Day 2- 225 Follistim (am), 225 Follistim (pm)
Monday Day 3- 225 Follistim (am), 225 Follistim (pm)
Tuesday Day 4- 225 Follstim (am), 225 Follistim (pm)
Wednesday Day 5- 450 Follistim (pm)
E2=143 (over 100 at this point is good)
Thursday Day 6- 450 Follistim (pm)
E2= 184 (slow rise, but they don't seem concerned because it's rising...)
Lining=6 (anything 6 or above is right on target for this point)
Follicles= 2 on each side, all measuring about 8-9

That's a F*ckload of Follistim isn't it? That's what happens when you're 39! I really would've liked to have seen more follicles this morning, I admit I was a little sad only seeing 4.
But, it's still early. I've got a week left to keep up the stims and see what happens.
Next blood and ultrasound will be Saturday morning.

As far as my question per "exercise and your IVF cycle"? Well, I did some of my own research and everything says to take it easy, walking is good, etc.
I've been walking as normal--although a bit slower. The past two mornings I've decided to really take it easy by riding the bus up to the clinic.

This morning as I was walking from the clinic to my office, I noticed for the first time that I'm getting a little bloated. As in, it's not quite uncomfortable to walk, but it doesn't feel normal.
I sit here with skinny jeans unbuttoned wondering what the hell I will be wearing next week?
I'm not going to worry about it too much. In fact, if my pants don't fit for...oh, I don't know 9+ months...I'd be OK with that.
For the most part, I'm just chillin' and relaxing. I go home and cook, read, meditate, pray, snuggle with the cats and go to bed. It's not too exciting and I like it.

It's kind of hard to believe I could be doing egg retrieval in a week.

I Can't Believe She's 50

Mado.nna. Oh, how I love you.

K, myself and a few friends went to the Madon.na concert Monday night and she blew me away with yet another incredible performance for "Hard C.andy".
It's hard to believe that she's been around 3 decades and is 50 years old. You'd never know it from where I was dancing.

I still remember hearing my first Ma.donna song. I was a freshman in high school and it was outside the home ec classroom in the hallway after school. Someone was playing music in that room and "Luck.y Star" stopped me dead in my tracks as I thought "what is THAT?!"
Instantly smitten for life.

In 1990, I had the good fortune to know someone with mad concert connections who got me front row seats to both of the shows for the "Blond A.mbition" tour.
Now, nothing is ever going to compare to that show because (a) it was front row for both concerts and I'm pretty sure Madonna sweat on me (b) it was the height of everyone 'Vogueing' on the dance floor every single night (c) I worked (illegally as I was underage) in the city's most popular gay bar and I was ON the dance floor every damn night grooving to the music hey hey hey! (d) ecs.tacy was pure.
Need I say more? They were good times.

Fast forward to 18 years and here I am again--in awe of M (and her body).
I think I'll go look for the DVD of "Blond Ambition" and order it. I need something to look forward to after egg retrieval!

Per.formance Anxiety

Giv.e it to me hard and fast and DO NOT pull out until I say so!

She pulled out. I didn't say so. Maybe my hand got in the way when I looked down, who knows.
But as a result I got stabbed twice. Poor thing, she had per.formance anxiety.
This morning, my love is on a jet plane and I'm back to injecting myself. I think I like it better this way (no offense baby) but at least I know I'm not going to pull out.
It's just that she hates to hurt me...she really, really, hates those needles. And I hate being poked more than necessary. So there you have it.

Tomorrow I go in for blood work and my first ultrasound to see how jacked up my follicles are. I can't wait!!!

If You Need Meds....This Might Help

http://www.geocities.com/RodeoDrive/7749/medic.htm

I just scored some injectable progesterone in oil from Tulsa, OK!

Baby Stab Me One More Time

Bright and early to the RE's on a brilliant Fall morning! My FSH is 7.4 and E2 is 37, antral follicles show about 3 on each side, so 6 total. Not spectacular, but for my 'advanced age' but I'll take it!
We headed to Grand Central after that to catch the train upstate, cooler with meds in hand along with a yummy apple bread pudding I made to celebrate K's belated 31st birthday.
Her mom, step dad and cousin picked us up and we spent the rest of the day in the Mohonk Preserve on a 6 mile hike. The weather was perfect, the leaves just starting to change and it was wonderful to out in the fresh air surrounded by family who love and support us.

I know that for the majority of this month, I'm going to have to 'take it easy' but I'm not really sure what that means for these days before retrieval. Over the last month, I've really loved having the freedom to workout and do whatever I want and not worry about 'harming' anything. As a result, I've lost the few stubborn TTC pounds I'd gained over the summer and am glad that I'm starting the IVF cycle at my real weight.
I feel very empowered and satisfied to have my 'body' as I know it back to me.

So, I'm a little nervous about 'taking it easy'. I'd like to hear from others who have gone down this path and what you limited your activites to both pre-retrievel and post tranfer. I've basically been told 'walking is OK'. Hmm...I already walk to work every day making for an hour total. Is that much walking OK? No one seems to know...I guess there are no true answers.

The first injection was a bit excruiating in that we were trying to watch the video online and the internet up here in the boonies is so freaking slow that the video that should've taken about 5 minutes ended up taking 30. I just wanted to get it over with! After a 2 false stabs, I finally did it. It doesn't hurt--it's just that willingly getting your hand to do something painful to your stomach is hard!
K took a stab at it this morning and I like that much better. So, I think I'll have her do it when she's home and I'll do it when she's gone M-TH. Overall though, so far, so good. Super easy that Follisti.m pen.

Thanks so much for all of your kind words and encouraging words of hope, they really mean a lot to me!

Meet My New Best Friend

The Follisti.m pen.
That’s right, I’m starting IVF.
Less than 24 hours after I came back from Bali, I found myself sitting in an IVF orientation class.
When I found out about the miscarriage in August, I called to get on their schedule as I really didn’t want to waste any more time.
My RE assured me that with my early miscarriage I’m 100% good to go as long as I’m mentally and emotionally ready to go.

I’ve never felt so ready.

There was a moment in Bali when I was having a massage and I thought, “but I got pregnant last month with just a little help from Clomid, I can do that again.”
Why not a few more IUI’s?
So I walked into the IVF orientation thinking “I’m just here to get some information”.
Then I opened up my folder and saw my RE had already written out all of my RX’s, they handed me a free Follisti.m pen (no meds inside), and away we went.
When I got to the stats page…well, my mind was already made up. I was here for the long haul now. IVF take me away.

The Iffy News:
Maybe I could get pregnant again through IUI. Maybe. But I’m no spring chicken (remember, I’m 39) and those stats are dismal. I’m incredibly lucky it worked even once. I’m wasting my time and insurance money to expect it to work again. I’d like to think I’ve paid my dues in miscarriage land, but those stats are dismal too. I’d love to see that I have at least a 50% chance at having a real, live baby with IVF—but I only have a 33% chance of doing that (and that's transferring back 2-3 good blastocysts).

The Good News:
33% sure as hell beats the IUI/Clomid stats of 5-10%.
We have enough insurance left to cover two full IVF cycles (without meds).
My RE says that I’m a perfect candidate for this to work.

The Best News:
This week has been spent running around New York City with a soft sided cooler and an ice pack doing d.rug deals.
Some really wonderful people have stepped forward to donate their leftover medications to me for this first cycle. I’ve received meds that aren't covered by my insurance co-payment--for free.
This has been a huge stress relief as the meds are almost as much as the cycle itself.
I am still overwhelmed at the kindness and generosity of these friends—two of the couples I met online (not in blogland) and have only met in person a handful of times.
It really does take a village to make a baby!

The Guilty News:
I think I’ve been holding this news back because I feel guilty. What I mean is: this is an easy decision for me because I have the insurance money to pay for it.
I’m well aware that most of you out there don’t have this luxury and it’s so unfair.
Please don’t hate me for it.

Why Am I Finally Telling You This?
Because I just started my period.
IVF starts tomorrow.
I’m on a ‘no Lupron’ cycle which means I start stimming tomorrow, I’ll do retrieval in two weeks.
By Halloween we’ll know if I’m pregnant or not.
Damn that’s FAST.
I am so, so, so excited to finally be doing this.