The Weekend Update at 8 Weeks

Thanks so much for all of your helpful comments on my last post. Week 7 was HARD. But, I think I might have made it sound as if I wasn't eating--but I am. I was just having a hard time eating and finding anything that sounded appealing.

Regardless, I have continued to make myself eat. I know a lot of people lost weight during the first trimester--but I really can't do that. I started this cycle at a very low weight (it's my normal weight--but it doesn't leave any room to lose pounds) and I do need to gain.

To my great surprise, I have! I didn't think I possibly could with the measly amounts I've been eating, but I've managed to gain 3 pounds since the June 6th transfer. I'm good with that.

Saturday, Chicken and I were supposed to go out to a Global Music Festival in Brooklyn, but I failed to leave the house all day because I felt exactly like I was suffering from a crappy hangover minus the good times the night before.

We'd also planned on going to this lady's Housewarming Garden Party, but failed to make it there either.

Finally out of nowhere, I declared I wanted to walk to Shake Shack and eat a burger and fries. I couldn't believe it myself as I hadn't been craving anything in over a week.

Although waiting in line for an hour for a burger on a Saturday night was not on Chicken's weekend itinerary, she indulged the crazy pregnant lady and I shocked myself by eating my meal and enjoying it. It was so awesome to enjoy a meal again!

Sunday we had a really big day planned and I was more than a little bit nervous that I would have to cancel on our friends based on how I'd been feeling. But I gave myself pep talks all morning and we got out of the house and on the train without incident. It ended up being the best day I'd had in weeks both in terms of energy (no nap!) and food (no aversions!).

We met our friends in Maplewood and spent half the day at the pool, where we ran into other friends and their triplets, and then went to a local music festival.

This NJ suburb is gay, gay, gay friendly and full of families with young children. It's kind of a perfect place to raise a family and we'd been tossing around the idea of buying a house out there ourselves. This was our first trip out there since finding out we were not only definitely pregnant, but with twins. We thought it would be a good test to figure out if this was 'the kind of place' for us. We have to move in December one way or another...

But in the end, our number one choice, Brooklyn, still came calling loud and clear. We're just not cut out for the suburbs--at least not yet!

We are both city girls and are really looking forward to "Brooklyn, Baby, 2010!"

Overall, it ended up being a great weekend with the Chicken and I hope that I continue to feel better this week.

I have done a crap job at keeping up and commenting on everyone's blogs lately, but I hope I have some more energy for that soon.

Zero Chance.

I've gone back and forth a bit this week, but I'm getting a lot better at accepting that I've done all I can to try to make this baby and now it's time to "let go and let God".

This chart certainly helped me get there:

My antral follicle count in October was SIX.  That means according to this chart I have a ZERO chance of having a live birth (and yes I'm basing this on being 40 because let's face it I almost am) even if I were to do another IVF cycle.  Yes, I know the count can change from month to month...but really.  My chances?  Not so good.

Wow.  Zero.  Holy Shit.  My eggs are MthrFng old.

The hardest thing for me has been the fact I never got to actually 'finish' an IVF cycle.  I never even made it that far but now that I see this chart....I guess everything happens for a reason.

I'm glad that I got pregnant, just that one time, for just a little while.  It's my damn badge of honor at this point.

 

I will never know what it's like to look at my baby and think "those are my eyes" or "that little quirk is all me" but I will be birthing my love's child and that child will be mine.

I am officially done whining.

Off to Egg Donor IVF land we go!

P.S.--That post involving EWCM?  That was me encouraging K to go make me a baby, not the other way around!

10 Thousand Dollar Punch in the Stomach

My insurance company changed their fertility benefits. I have 10K less which means I have very little left. I have enough for this IVF, sorta. Not really. That's it.

When the rep at UHC asked me if there was anything else she could do for me today, I replied, "No, that's enough. You've completely ruined my day." I know it wasn't her fault and I told her that, but still, she is the messenger of bad, bad news.
I know some of you (a lot of you) don't even have IVF coverage so I probably sound like a whiny, spoiled infertile right now. I'm sorry.

If I were younger, I'd keep on trucking along with the IUI's. But I don't have any more time. The reasons I started so late are vast and varied, but life is what it is and I am the one who has to handle that. I think I handle it pretty well all things considered. Toot Toot. That's me and my horn. I am a strong woman and I truly believe that I can do just about anything I put my mind to. But I knew going into this the odds were waaaay stacked against me and I just might not be able to pull off this magic trick.

K told me last night if this doesn't work then she'll do a round of IVF and carry. She's always been such a big fan of 'outsourcing the womb' to me, this was a huge step and offering of love on her part.

This is the part where I realize we have exactly 2 tries left. There has to be an end to the TTC crazy train and this just might be it.

True, we have enough in savings we could pay for more cycles, but honestly...honestly...I don't think that's the best decision. I could change my mind, of course. But right now, I feel like all that we saved (enough for 3 or 4 IVF cycles in case our insurance turned us down) could be better spent by putting that money towards a downpayment and buying a place. A place with 2 bedrooms. A place where we could ready our lives for another human being either by fostering or outright adoption.

Maybe this IVF will work. But just in case, I've prepped my heartstrings in case it doesn't.

It's amazing how one phone call can speed up the events of your life.

Meet My New Best Friend

The Follisti.m pen.
That’s right, I’m starting IVF.
Less than 24 hours after I came back from Bali, I found myself sitting in an IVF orientation class.
When I found out about the miscarriage in August, I called to get on their schedule as I really didn’t want to waste any more time.
My RE assured me that with my early miscarriage I’m 100% good to go as long as I’m mentally and emotionally ready to go.

I’ve never felt so ready.

There was a moment in Bali when I was having a massage and I thought, “but I got pregnant last month with just a little help from Clomid, I can do that again.”
Why not a few more IUI’s?
So I walked into the IVF orientation thinking “I’m just here to get some information”.
Then I opened up my folder and saw my RE had already written out all of my RX’s, they handed me a free Follisti.m pen (no meds inside), and away we went.
When I got to the stats page…well, my mind was already made up. I was here for the long haul now. IVF take me away.

The Iffy News:
Maybe I could get pregnant again through IUI. Maybe. But I’m no spring chicken (remember, I’m 39) and those stats are dismal. I’m incredibly lucky it worked even once. I’m wasting my time and insurance money to expect it to work again. I’d like to think I’ve paid my dues in miscarriage land, but those stats are dismal too. I’d love to see that I have at least a 50% chance at having a real, live baby with IVF—but I only have a 33% chance of doing that (and that's transferring back 2-3 good blastocysts).

The Good News:
33% sure as hell beats the IUI/Clomid stats of 5-10%.
We have enough insurance left to cover two full IVF cycles (without meds).
My RE says that I’m a perfect candidate for this to work.

The Best News:
This week has been spent running around New York City with a soft sided cooler and an ice pack doing d.rug deals.
Some really wonderful people have stepped forward to donate their leftover medications to me for this first cycle. I’ve received meds that aren't covered by my insurance co-payment--for free.
This has been a huge stress relief as the meds are almost as much as the cycle itself.
I am still overwhelmed at the kindness and generosity of these friends—two of the couples I met online (not in blogland) and have only met in person a handful of times.
It really does take a village to make a baby!

The Guilty News:
I think I’ve been holding this news back because I feel guilty. What I mean is: this is an easy decision for me because I have the insurance money to pay for it.
I’m well aware that most of you out there don’t have this luxury and it’s so unfair.
Please don’t hate me for it.

Why Am I Finally Telling You This?
Because I just started my period.
IVF starts tomorrow.
I’m on a ‘no Lupron’ cycle which means I start stimming tomorrow, I’ll do retrieval in two weeks.
By Halloween we’ll know if I’m pregnant or not.
Damn that’s FAST.
I am so, so, so excited to finally be doing this.

Subborn Lil Thing

My body is stubborn. It knows what today is and it does not care that I am shoving pills up my HooHa. Oh progesterone, I thought you were supposed to delay my period, mai non? Apparently my body says "fuck you hooha pills, I'll bleed if I want to". Which is exactly what it did last month, on this exact day. In all honesty I've only just started spotted, there's no river of red going on around here, but it will come, oh yes it will.
But wait! There's more! My temperature shot UP 4 points this morning. I mean really, WTF??
It's way too late for implantation spotting, but I am baffled. I'm either 13 or 14 DPO. Don't really know to tell you the truth.
Yesterday I had the almost, but not quite PMS headache...and a small one today. That's not normal as it's usually for one day and it's full on, but never for 2 days. I have no idea.

This weekend we are going to a friend's big gay wedding in Carmel-by-the-Sea, CA. Don't you just love that name?!
I fly to meet K in SF tomorrow and we are going to test together on Friday morning. We actually even went out and BOUGHT a damn pregnancy test--the first one EVER--because I knew I wouldn't get my period with the progesterone and I'd have to test. I don't know if I'll have to do that or not now.
And now...I'm wondering if I should just go to get the blood test tomorrow morning so I can have some answers about all of the craziness.
I know the HPT's don't always catch it right at 14/15DPO and I'd really like to know if I can drink champagne at the wedding or not!

Regardless, I have IVF orientation training next Wednesday. It sounds like all kinds of fun learning how to pump up those needles and shoot oranges. Can't wait. I wanted to go ahead and schedule the class so that I wouldn't miss it in September and be delayed another month.
In fact, I'd hoped with a BFN this month, that I'd keep on with the progesterone to delay my period just enough that I'd be able to start as soon as I returned from Indonesia in late September. But it is looking like my body has other plans for me. I mean we're talking ONE DAY.
IVF starts on Day 2 monitoring and as it's going right now, I'll miss it by ONE DAY and have to wait until October.

Hopefully all of the flying will throw my body off and I'll stumble into the clinic jet-lagged and bleary eyed the day after my return.

Or I'm pregnant. Whatever. Seriously at this point, I'm just ready to get on a plane and have some fun with my baby. I cannot wait to get to California.

PS--I'm much, much better than Sunday/Monday! Thank you so much for all of your kind words. I don't know what I'd do without this community.

Yesterday was Rough

It started with my temp falling 3 points and I felt like I was aboard a lifeboat that had been pricked by a shark tooth in the middle of the ocean and was slowly sinking.
And then it got worse.

There’s a TTC group that meets twice a month at the NYC LGBT Center and I used to go to these meetings a lot in the beginning of my journey. The group also has a list serve where you can ask/answer questions. I was hoping it would be more of a support group, but it turned out to be more of an information gathering group—which is fine, but much harder to form meaningful relationships when everyone is a drop-in level. There were two women coming late last spring who were so overwhelmed and new to all of this and I gave them loads of information and referred them to my Fertility Center and my RE. I even saw them in the waiting room on their very first visit to Dr. VID and sat and talked with them awhile until they were called in. And then I never heard from them again. Until yesterday.
They posted a long response someone had asked on the list serve about ‘when do you know when to be aggressive?’ Turns out, they, at age 35, decided to be aggressive from the get go and are now 3 months pregnant.

When I read that it was like someone punched me in the stomach. I have handled every BFN with relative ease. “It’s not my time.” “I knew the timing was off.” Etc, etc. I think I’m holding up pretty well, all things considered and am in a good place about accepting fate. My life has been hard and spent waiting for something good to happen. This is hard and I’m pretty good at waiting. End of story.
But this news made me feel worse than 6 months of TTC and BFN’s.

I immediately felt so stupid that we’d been coasting along, trying to get pregnant without drugs, doing it au naturel (well as au naturel as one can get with assisted IUI’s). Why hadn’t we gotten more aggressive? Why didn’t we do IVF right from the beginning? What is wrong with us that we could possibly think we would be able to do this without extreme intervention? Why am I such an idiot?

K made me put on my running shoes and we went on a 2 hour walk down the river where she reminded me that we wanted to try to do this without drugs. Dr. VID thought I had a decent chance because my body was doing everything just as it should be. The girl who went right to IVF had many other issues going on that I didn’t and those issues pushed her and Dr. VID to get more aggressive from the beginning. We didn’t want to do IVF.
We didn’t???
We didn’t even want drugs???
It seems a million years away that thinking of where we were just seven months ago.

And it’s petty, but I’m jealous. I’m jealous that I sent them to my RE and they got pregnant and I’m not. I’m jealous, I’m mad, I’m angry.
None of these are pretty things and I know they will pass and really, I’m quite happy for the couple while still feeling jealous—if that’s possible.

I woke up at 4:30am this morning with an unsinkable feeling that I was on my way to IVF and why didn’t I just do that from the beginning?
So I broke all the rules and fixed myself at full caf latte because I am that convinced I am.not.pregnant. Again.
This one hurts the worst.

One Week Down and Grateful

That was fast. I always find the first week is faster. Do you?

Fire Island was fantastic. There are no cars, no roads and it's such a peaceful and relaxing place. You walk off the ferry and feel an instant "Ahhhhhh." It was so good to see our friends and spend a couple of days at the beach. We had an amazing 'anniversary' weekend filled with love and laughter. We ate lobster rolls and took long walks on the beach. In the evenings we grilled out on the patio and ate under the stars--stars we never see in Manhattan and oh how I miss them. Late at night we'd go for ice cream and walk down to the beach to watch as the orange moon rose on the horizon.

They asked about the baby making plans and I obliged by telling them any and all details they wanted. Everyone is excited and very supportive, plus we were told many times how great we are together and what an amazing team we are.
I feel that way too and I'm glad others notice it.

Kate and I have been through a LOT in our 8 years together and it's so nice to know that through it all, we have developed a healthy, working relationship with one another filled with friendship, love, and much, much laughter. Marriage is hard, hard work and without all the years of working through things, I don't think we'd be handling the TTC process so well. I can't imagine doing this in the early years! This process has only brought us closer together. I can't even remember the last time we quarreled (small tiffs, yes; full blown fights, no).
For me, I try to focus on the amazing life we have right here, right now and not dwell too much on what we don't have or want. We have everything we need.

We both know that we are not in charge here. There's a higher power out there and we cannot control when we get pregnant. Ultimately, we hope to have a baby. It may be mine, it may be hers, it may be me carrying hers, it may be adopted but the end result will be that we have a child.
And if, just IF, we do not, life will go on. I have gone through nearly 40 years child-free (ouch I think I just sprained my finger typing that. Fuck. 40?) and while I'd really love to have children, I'm sure I can get through 40 more without one.
The more I remind myself that I am not in charge, the easier this process is. Letting go is a difficult thing for me to do and this has been the ultimate exercise in demonstrating my untapped strength.

We are really blessed to have such a wonderful life. I'm either pregnant right now or I'm not.
I really feel like I could be, but if not we're off to LLN (Land of Lots of Needles aka IVF).
Either way, I can handle it.
Having some amazing travels coming up helps a lot! This was a good time to plan a vacation!

Here's Where I Need (some of) Your Advice

Not that I don't love all of you and seriously I do. No really, let's talk about that for a minute:

I am so grateful for the abundance of well wishes that come my way. I have no idea who everyone is out there reading my crazy blog, but I'm astonished there are so many. Thank you for reading, for playing my silly travel trivia games, for listening to the mundane details of my life and for leaving encouraging comments when I write something you like or relate to. Thank You.

Right now, I've hit that point where (most of) my friends IRL aren't asking me anymore how it's going. I think they don't know what to say. One of my BFF's and I had dinner last week--she who accidentally got pregnant--and as I was telling her everything, she just looked so...I don't know, many parts of shock/guilt/uncomfortable. She is such a great friend to keep asking and patiently listening to all of the details, but she can't relate AT ALL.
But you can. So thank you for just being there.

I need some advice. I'd like to change things up this last IUI cycle. It's cycle #6. I took Cl.omid 100 mg Days 5-9 and am currently on Day 12. According to my blood and U/S follicle check (there were, gulp, FOUR), I could very well trigger tomorrow (Tuesday).
I have consistently done the trigger around 9am and the IUI at 11am/12pm the next day which is only 26-27 hours. Most everything says you'll ovulate within 24-36 hours after the trigger...so maybe I need to do it more around 30-34 hours?
I know those frozen guys don't last long...
Also this month--just to change it up, why the hell not as it's the last shot before starting IVF...we're using two vials of our boyz. His counts have been 'adequate' between 10-14 million, but I need more than adequate this time. I haven't decided whether I should do two vials and one IUI or two IUI's....oh the uncertainty.
Depending on the timing, I may have to shoot myself in the ass. I am not looking forward to that, but I can do it.

Question: For those of you who used a trigger shot and did an IUI AND got pregnant, when did you trigger and when did you do the IUI?
How many IUI's did you do?

Thanks!!!

Mama's on Drugs

Went in bright and early for Day 2 tests.

The results are in!  The blood levels are excellent:    FSH, 5.8 E2, 35

I am a happy lady right now!

While there I was able to talk to the RE on duty.  I really liked him and he agreed that I 'could' do this next cycle natural with a trigger shot.

However, (and my what a month can make) since I'm now 39 he would like to see me get aggressive.  If I were 33, he would not be pushing drugs on me since my body is totally doing everything it is supposed to be doing.  But, I'm not 33, I don't have the luxury of time on my side and he'd like to see if Clomid can help me.

We talked about scary multiples, my body size (I'm 5'2 and 105 lbs) and how it was a risk, but a small one.

He stated what I have heard from two other RE's now which is that you should only stay on Clomid for three cycles as the effectiveness decreases rapidly after this.

I've got an RX for Clomid 50mg now and I'll take them on days 5-9 and go in for my new bloodwork and Ultrasound on Day 11.

I'll do this for at least 2 cycles if not 3 and then it's either injectable or IVF.  I know I said I'd do IVF after 6 IUI's total and I am still leaning in that direction...but I can't think about that right now.

I've got to try this first and put my faith in that direction.

We also talked about back to back IUI's and his thought is that those are not any more effective than one with a well-timed (trigger) IUI.  Hmm...things to ponder indeed as we were thinking we would do two IUI's with the last of the "Seth" sperm this cycle.

First thing K said when I got home and told her the news?  "Is this going to make you really moody again?"  Hee Hee.  "Yeah, maybe."  "OK, honey, just checking".  Poor thing!

We were going to go to the Dyke March...but it just started raining.  I'm not enough of a lesbian to march in the RAIN.  So, off we go to the gym, then make dinner with some of our farm co-op veggies and watch a movie at a friend's house.

Meditating the Anxiety Away

In preparation for the preggo test, I went to a 2-hour meditation session at the Tibet House tonight with this woman.  She was quite amazing and since she's going to be there the next couple of Tuesdays, I think I'll keep going. 

Tomorrow morning I go in for a blood test and we'll find out one way or another by mid-afternoon.

I completely do not feel pregnant (whatever that feels like!) and I've watched my temps drop for 4 days now despite being on the progesterone, so whatever.  

If it's not my time, it's not my time.  I cannot control this.

K and I had a conversation over the weekend and discussed switching donors.  How do you know when it's time to break up with your donor?  I feel so foolish to have bought so much of him without trying him out first, but what can you do?  We have two more vials of him at our Fertility Center that we won't be able to return, so we'll lose the money on those and that stings.

The rest we can do an exchange for $150--although I don't know if that's per vial or the entire switch.  Probably per vial...

Anyone out there looking for some black market sperm?  He gets other women pregnant!

We also talked about perhaps just taking the plunge and trying more drugs this next cycle.  I am super scared of multiples because of my body size.  But there's a woman in my building who is as small as me and she had twins a year ago.  I saw these twins twice this weekend and it was like the universe sending me a sign, saying,  "you can do it. If you had to do it, you could do it". God those parents look tired and haggard.  But I could do it.  We could do it.

My RE isn't putting me on fertility drugs because he knows my fears and he says it's my choice But I've only got two cycles after this before IVF looms.  Is it silly to try 6 natural IUI's and then go to IVF without trying fertility drugs?

Remember my age, I don't have time to waste.  My clock is a freaking time bomb folks.

Official Member of the Itty Bitty Pantyliner Committee

Hello Progesterone Suppositories, meet my new thong pantyliners.

It would've been nice if there had been directions with these bullet-like things, but no.  However, I guess my years of using OB tampons finally paid off.  No big deal getting it in, but my how it does like to leak out.

Whoever came up with the idea of a thong pantyliner, was pure genius!  I used to date this girl who would cut up a regular pantyliner into four separate pieces and make us homemade pantyliners.  Brilliant, eh?!

Did anyone watch High School Reunion this past Spring to see "Kat the Lesbian?"  Well, that's my ex and I declare she missed her chance to make millions in the pantyliner industry.

I refuse to even look at what the side effects these things have b/c I can't stand imagining more symptoms at this point.  I am a little hotter and a bit thirstier, but otherwise that, nothing else.

The IUI went fine, but I still am always second guessing the timing.  I feel like I just keep googling the same exact shit month after month after month.  I had to wait over 30 minutes, but at least in that time I went to the bathroom and found EWCM, so my mood improved a little bit.

I had a different nurse than I usually do and while I don't like her as much as my usual nurse, her technique was great.  I did ask her how my cervix looked, was it wide and open? She replied "cervix's are always open".  Um, thanks, not exactly what I was asking for.  

This cycle has me feeling rather low.  I ovulated very late, I feel like we may have inseminated a day too late and wasted all that sperm.  I have doubts about my sperm donor.    His count isn't as high as I'd like it.  Usually he's at 14-16mil and this time was only 10mil.  That's the bare minimum they have to guarantee.  Despite being reassured that it's more than enough to get me pregnant, I still feel stupid for buying all of the sperm at once instead of trying him out a cycle or two before committing.  It's like getting ready for a blind date and putting a down payment on the future house you'll buy together before you even arrive at the date.

Then I went to my post-IUI acupuncture session and didn't have my regular therapist.  The alternate woman looked at my BBT chart and nonchalantly declared that it looked like I'd ovulated on Day 15.  Alarmed I squeeked, "but I did the IUI 3 days later, they took blood, I had ultrasounds, the blood said different".  She rescinded, but it made me feel like once again, all this money, even the acupuncture, for nothing.

Everyone has a theory and none of them match up.

I want to trust my fertility center.  I really, really do.  They are one of the top fertility centers in the world.  But lately I feel like a second-class citizen because I'm not doing IVF and that's what they do best.  Even with the top facility, an IUI is still a well-timed crap shoot.

As a Dr. (not at my clinic) told one of my friends after 10 cycles, "do you want to get pregnant or do you want to keep trying?"  She's pregnant now, after an IVF cycle.

I'm scared, because if this cycle is a BFP, I've got exactly TWO more tries before IVF.

Here's to another, messier, mind-fuck of a TWW.

A Shot in the Stomach

Last night I had to give my cousin, who is squatting on my couch for three days, a shot in her stomach.

I didn't want to do it, but she couldn't/wouldn't do it herself and neither would her daughter.

That left me.

I said, "well, if I ever have to do injectables and/or IVF, this will give me an idea of what I'll have to do to myself."

Right after that I thought, "I think I've cursed myself.  Does this mean I'm going to be doing this?"

And for the first time all week, I felt not pregnant.

It's 7DPO and I know it's too early to tell one way or another and I really try SO hard not to obsess over every twinge or temp rise, but I felt for the first time ever this month I really could be pregnant this time.  I never felt that way with IUI #1 or #2....but this one had possibilities...until that shot in the stomach.

The shot wasn't so bad, I could do it to myself if I had to, but I'd much rather I didn't...

Back in the Stirrups

I've spoken to my nurse and we're on to IUI #2.  Basically the same protocol as last month and this is the overall map of what I'm doing:

• March/April/May = unmedicated IUI's with trigger shots
  
• June/July/August = IUI w/ drugs, probably Clomid and trigger
  
• After August = Gimme the hard drugs, we're going IVF baby!
  

I have a lot to be thankful for and I now need to remind myself of at least 10 good things (not necessarily in order of importance):

1. My body is working; I have regular periods and I ovulate regularly.  
2. Dr. VID says I have a perfect uterus.  
3. I am in excellent health.  
4. I walk to work and back and am thankful my legs and feet carry me without fail for one hour every single day.  
5. I eat a healthy, mostly organic diet.  
6. My insurance policy that is (so far) covering this.
7. Many wonderful friends and family members who support me and care about me.  
8. A good job that isn't the most fulfilling but at least doesn't make me miserable and best of all provides me with a great deal of flexibility.
   
9. Three cats that love me as soon as I walk in the door every single day!
10. My partner, because I cannot imagine doing this without K.

That's my pep talk to myself.  It's back in the stirrups folks!

Choosing the Goods

How is it that we've been looking at donors for over six months now, but we still don't have one picked out. Well, we knew we couldn't really buy in advance and store it at home and we didn't know what kind we needed (yes, it comes in three different washed varieties!) and for awhile we thought we might be using a known donor--K's little brother. But then we ruled him out after we thought we were going with K eggs and my uterus via IVF. Plus, the more we thought about it, we wanted to try to find someone we can both use.

K really does want to have a biological child, she was just much more keen on me having it for her than having it herself!

So, it's come down to the final few weeks and we're playing "pick that sperm donor".

You can play too, by going to California Cryobank! http://www.cryobank.com

We had the perfect candidate picked out a couple of weeks ago, but he was only available in ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology also IVF) and since we aren't doing IVF now...

We needed someone with IUI (Intra-Uterine Insemination) as that is the method we are now going to try.

This is basically a process that puts the swimmers directly in the uterus instead of relying on them getting there themselves--there are no turkey basters here, folks.

It's such a hard decision and I know so many women who end up changing donors after a few cycles, or the donor retires from the program, etc and they end up trying out multiple donors. For the first time though, it's pretty mind boggling.

We are designing 50% of our offspring's genetic makeup. I thought I wanted to have a few different ethnicities in the mix, but as time has gone by, I see that it's not the best choice for us.

We had picked out someone I was totally sold on, but finally realized this child would grow up--probably exotic looking and hopefully gorgeous--but not really looking like either of us at all. We came to realize that it's going to be hard enough to have two moms, why make things any harder?

So, we are picking a donor that gives our offspring the height neither of us have, the math skills I'm sorely lacking, the artistic streaks that don't run in K and enough mechanical and athletic skills to make us both happy. Oh, and the staff said he's very attractive...um, yeah, that helped!

Basically since we both want to use the same donor, I feel like we were looking for US combined in a guy.

Who the hell knows?!

I'm excited...after months of planning and talking about it, it's starting to feel very, very REAL.

FSH #3

Thoroughly confused.

I had my third and final FSH test this morning. It's 11.8, totally within an OK range. I feel very strongly that the first test was a lab error. It just doesn't make sense for all three test to come back with good/OK range numbers and that first test of 21 to be so high.

This changes everything. I'm more confused than ever. We thought we were on to IVF using K's eggs. Deal done. When do we start?

Not so fast now...I haven't talked to my RE, but I'm beginning to feel like maybe I should try. He told me the last time we spoke that I am his normal age range and that he would think it perfectly OK to try with me first.

Oh The Mind Spinneth

I've been looking at the sticky note with my Clomid Challenge Test scores all morning long.
There is it, a pink square of paper that says "Here they are. Which way do we go now?"

Just as I reached for the phone, my mobile rang and what do you know but it's the good doctor himself calling me to talk about the scores.

My scores are good, they are in the normal range. I'm OK.
Except for that pesky score in December..... The number that set the panic button off and made me realize all of my carefully laid plans had suddenly been uprooted and I was now a bona fide member of the TTC (trying to conceive) rollercoaster.

He agrees, it's a mystery. That large of a jump just doesn't make sense. Since the first blood test was done at my OB/GYN and they outsource to Quest, it's possible it was a lab error. The others were done right at the VEFC (Very Expensive Fertility Center).

Or it could've been the stress that December morning. I was trying to catch a train to Boston and running late, I had to wait almost an hour at the clinic. I'd hadn't had anything to eat/drink that morning, my body was hyper-caffeinated from a giant cappuccino....it could've been a lot of things.
Maybe my body felt old that month and my eggs were saying "don't pick me, I'm no good". I don't know.

Here's a re-cap of the scores.

• January 2007 Score 8
  
• December 2007 Score 21 WTF???
  
• January 2008 Score 6
• CCCT January 2008 Score 12.4

What will get me the quickest, healthiest baby with the least amount of money? That's what it really comes down to.
I'm a logical kind of girl and VID (Very Important Doctor) is a logical kind of guy. We work well together.
It seems logical to me that the answer is....IVF with donor eggs. Specifically, K's eggs which are eight years younger than my own.
While he's not pushing me in any one direction, he agrees with my logic.

Two weeks ago I thought I couldn't use my eggs.
Score says "Egg Finish" "Ovarian Reserve in Short Supply!"
But now...it's a whole new baby egg game.

I now have to figure out if it's a baby I want or if it's my genetic baby I want.
To most women this is probably a no-brainer, but for me....it's not that easy.