Trying to Escape from Funky Town

This has got to be the hardest time period of TTC I've ever gone through.  I never took a BFN this hard, never got this down about a cancelled IVF cycle, but this...this is the worst.

To get me down even further, New York is going through a period of endless gray, cool, rainy days that are not helping my psyche at all.  It seems like the sun has completely disappeared and is never coming back.

I am trying to be optimistic and hopeful about this new cycle, but I am so damn scared.

It has been very, very difficult to come back to NYC in the rainy, cool season--jobless, in an economic crisis, faced with the realization that you can't have bio children.

Last week was the worst of the depression.  That was when I found myself seriously wondering if I had any worth at all and maybe the world would just be better off without me.

The thought was only a fleeting one and I wasn't contemplating anything, but the fact that it popped up in my head was a giant warning signal.

I have suffered from depression in the past, but I have med free now for almost 5 years.  It's been wonderful!

Now, I find that I'm having to work a little bit harder to be 'normal'.  That scares me.  

But after I got over the 'due date' of last week, I did find myself lifting up.  I didn't think it would be so difficult to get past that day--but it was--especially seeing other blogger's births posted that were born the same day/time.  Ouch.  That fucking hurt.  I mean, I'm happy for them, don't get me wrong, but fucking ouch.  Sometimes I just have to step away from the blogs....  

K has been wonderful throughout all of this.  She gets me out of the house and encourages me to workout, cook, take a walk outside, get off the computer.  We've walked down to Chinatown multiple times, exploring new streets, making lists of places we want to eat, gorging on Vietnamese food, shopping in the produce markets and getting Chinese massages in dodgy palours.  I love that she knows I'll feel better after getting an "Asian fix".  And I do, I always do.

But let's talk about meds/donor egg cycle now.  Tonight is my last birth control pill, yeah!  I've had 6 Lupron injections and (knock on wood) so far, so good on the side effects.  As in glory hallelujah, I've had none of the insomnia, migraines, etc, etc.  I cannot blame the depression on the Lupron as that started long before the injections.  But I am hoping the Lupron does not make my depression worse.  Only time will tell.

My SIS (saline sonogram) was painless and the RE declared me "clean as a whistle" so I'm good to go on that.

The RPL blood panel came back fine and there's nothing to worry about there.  My RE is going to have me take baby aspirin starting at the time of the retrieval as a precaution.

K's genetics blood work panel passed with flying colors--everything looks great.

Next on the list:  K goes in to the fertility center this Friday morning for blood work to make sure she ovulated (I saw the EWCM, it looks like she ovulated!).  Once they call her back telling her the bloods show she ovulated, she'll inject a micro dose of Lupron.  Lucky her, she only has to shoot up Lupron once!

That's it.  It's getting better, it really is.  But this month (well, April, May has been better) has felt like I'm rock climbing and I can't see the top of the mountain and my arms are getting really, really tired.

Thanks for all of your wonderful comments on my last post and for pulling me up the mountain.  I feel all of your strength and I couldn't make it without you.

If you've called me or emailed me and you haven't heard back from me...please forgive me.  I haven't been myself.

Full of Follies, Full of Hope--Day 13

And then there were five. I was told three times today that I'm an excellent responder to Cl.omid, so I'm allowing myself to feel hopeful this time around. Plus, I didn't have a single side effect with the hormones this month, despite the dosage being doubled--in fact I lost weight. I'm giving my workouts all the credit. If exercise can stave off depression, maybe it wards away the evil Clo.mid spirits, too.

I have 3 follicles on my right: 22, 20, 16 and 2 on my left: 18 and 13. I doubt the 13 will make it...but you never know. Lining looks great, a little thinner, but fine. The blood results showed I wasn't surging yet, so I felt confident about holding off on the trigger. Had I known the drugs were this good, I would've tried them sooner.

Based on the answers I got--thank you so much everyone--and going over my chart with my acupuncturist, we decided to go with 2 IUI's. She says my chart these last two months on the Clom.id are the best she's ever seen for me, so again, I have lots of hope.

The bonus bundle of hope came tonight in the form EWCM. Always nice to see you.

The tricky part was the trigger shot. I usually have them do it at the clinic, but that didn't work for timing. I couldn't for the life of me figure out how to give myself a shot in the ass, so I called a friend and bless her heart--she agreed, even though she's never given anyone an injection. My clinic has videos on their website on how to give any kind of injection, so we glued ourselves to the laptop until we felt confident we knew what we were doing. It was so nerve-wracking!! By 9:30pm, I was triggered and she was so awesome! It really does take a village!

And now: I have IUI #1 at 3pm Wed (18 hrs) and IUI #2 at 9am Thursday (36 hrs).

I don't know that I've ever had a cycle that I felt this good about. This is a very nice feeling.

Shot Through the Ass and Sperm's to Blame

That, fellow young internetters, is wordplay on a Bon Jovi song. You may be too young to remember…but it was a really famous song and damn it I’m OLD.
What does it mean?? I took ye ole trigger shot in the ass today my friends.

My temp has been unusually low for days and my body is working really slow this cycle (today is Day 17) possibly due to my wonky cycle last month. I’ve been going to the RE since Day 11 as last month was such a short cycle. I got really down Sunday morning when I saw on the ultrasound that my follicles had hardly grown in 3 days and my LH was no where near peak levels.
So today I went back to the RE where they found two follies, one 18.5. My estrogen is 316 and my LH 14.4.
Also, this morning I woke up to lovely EWCM in the panties and well, if EWCM on Day 17 doesn’t put a smile on your face, really, what will?

Thanks to all of my new online friends and friends in real life who called/emailed/texted to say Happy Birthday! I was feeling a bit down (just a bit, nothing to worry about!) and it made me feel loved and special. Plus, I’m older. Urh. But, on the bright side, I got carded at the last club I went to and still look WELL under 30. Use your SPF moisturizer ladies (and token gay man), it really does work.

I’ve been away from the internets due to no good reason other than I was getting a bit obsessed with blogs and researching. It’s summertime and up until the NYC heat wave sky-rocketed temps to 100, it was rather pleasant outdoors.

I’ve been concentrating on wrapping my head around what’s going on inside my body in healthy ways. What does that mean? Yoga, meditation, pilates, reading, dinner with friends, shopping, cooking, outdoor BBQ’s, foreign films, sitting in the park staring at the grass wishing I could smoke it (OMG, did I just say that!?) and my monthly “damn I’m not pregnant again” sampling of raw fish and wine.

Through conversations with my RE, nurse and acupuncturist we determined that last month was probably a chemical pregnancy (95%). This is partial bad news as it obviously didn’t stick. However, the good news is that my body got pregnant all by itself on a natural cycle—not even a trigger shot. It gave me hope that I can do it and I will do it. That is, me and the help of some progesterone suppositories this cycle, so that itty bitty sticky rice, STICKS.

Tomorrow? 11:30 am, Spermification v.4