10 Thousand Dollar Punch in the Stomach

My insurance company changed their fertility benefits. I have 10K less which means I have very little left. I have enough for this IVF, sorta. Not really. That's it.

When the rep at UHC asked me if there was anything else she could do for me today, I replied, "No, that's enough. You've completely ruined my day." I know it wasn't her fault and I told her that, but still, she is the messenger of bad, bad news.
I know some of you (a lot of you) don't even have IVF coverage so I probably sound like a whiny, spoiled infertile right now. I'm sorry.

If I were younger, I'd keep on trucking along with the IUI's. But I don't have any more time. The reasons I started so late are vast and varied, but life is what it is and I am the one who has to handle that. I think I handle it pretty well all things considered. Toot Toot. That's me and my horn. I am a strong woman and I truly believe that I can do just about anything I put my mind to. But I knew going into this the odds were waaaay stacked against me and I just might not be able to pull off this magic trick.

K told me last night if this doesn't work then she'll do a round of IVF and carry. She's always been such a big fan of 'outsourcing the womb' to me, this was a huge step and offering of love on her part.

This is the part where I realize we have exactly 2 tries left. There has to be an end to the TTC crazy train and this just might be it.

True, we have enough in savings we could pay for more cycles, but honestly...honestly...I don't think that's the best decision. I could change my mind, of course. But right now, I feel like all that we saved (enough for 3 or 4 IVF cycles in case our insurance turned us down) could be better spent by putting that money towards a downpayment and buying a place. A place with 2 bedrooms. A place where we could ready our lives for another human being either by fostering or outright adoption.

Maybe this IVF will work. But just in case, I've prepped my heartstrings in case it doesn't.

It's amazing how one phone call can speed up the events of your life.

Donor Drama

So....last month when I found out I was not pregnant, the first thing I did was go on a search for a new sperm donor. I found him and by 10am I had checked it off my list and headed to the gym.

K, at work, was fine by the choice--she generally trusts I'm making the right decision and just wants to hear the main points/highlights. It's not that she doesn't care about the details, she just hates the research and finding of the details and I love that shit. We had a great weekend together, even going so far as telling a few people that we were choosing a new donor and oh wasn't it great, joy joy.

By that Sunday night I had the novel idea that 'hey, why don't we sit down together and go over all of his information, 'audio interview, lengthy family history', you know. And once we did...all was not so rosy in donor land.

Let's just say in my haste to find something/someone to blame and solve my problem of not getting pregnant, I looked over some things because I wanted the new donor to be the one. And upon closer examination, he was not the one after all.

We then decided to have another look at our old guy, Seth (not his real name!). What was it about him that was making me want to switch? To my horror, I saw that we'd never even ordered his audio interview or baby photo?!? Was it not available then? I can't imagine how we overlooked these details other than that I was probably too cheap to spend the money on it back in February. Now...I want all the information and I'm willing to pay for it.

Well those two pieces of information paid off and won me back. We were staying with Seth. There was one more vial at the RE and 6 more on ice at CCB. Things felt good and I spent the next week secure in the knowledge that we had a donor both of us really wanted.

Later, I had a nice, long talk with the Doc and I questioned how does one know when to switch donors? Unfortunately with IUI's there's no clear data that shows switching donors increases the chances. You hear about the women who switched and got pregnant but you don't hear about the others who didn't. Plus, who is to say that they wouldn't have gotten pregnant regardless that cycle, maybe it was just their time? In short, no clear answers.

We talked about Seth's sperm, his counts, etc. He's had other pregnancies, his motility is good and the speed of his swimmers is excellent--but his counts are only average, or 'adequate' as my Doc put it gently.

But isn't that the Cryobank's fault for not given us more?? I seriously think they sell off the bare minimum because they have to guarantee 10 million. You want more? Buy another vial. We've always had the 10 million, but only as high as 16 million. That sounded great until I heard of others getting 22 million. WTF?? I feel so cheated. I've heard others here complain about the counts of their donors from CCB, so it just makes me wonder.....

If this IUI cycle doesn't work...we're not only on to IVF, but we have to find another donor. We discovered that stupidly, we'd bought 12 vials of IUI ONLY and well...we may very well need IVF. The good news is that CCB will buy back the five remaining vials at 1/2 price. My stomach almost goes into convulsions thinking of the wasted money ($1400?? Gagging now...). I hate wasting money pretty much more than anything.
There was a beacon of hope on August 12th, because our donor was coming back ONE LAST TIME and he maybe he would give off some IVF quality swimmers. I'm not quite sure how that all works...but that's what they said. I called. No IVF swimmers and now our donor has retired.

If I'm not pregnant this month, we have to change donors one way or another. The thought of going through all of that again and wasting so much money makes me crazy.
But it is what it is. Right?

This is the last weekend that K and I are home for the next six weekends so I'm feeling a little pushed for time to get everything done in regards to traveling. We have two 4-day weekends and then it's off to Indonesia.
And now, to know that come Aug. 22, I may be on a new donor search as well...argh.

I can do this. I can do this.
You know what? I'll find someone even BETTER than our current donor. And all will be right with the world...

28 Million Boyz

There are 28 million sperm inside me in various life forms right now.  Some dead, others alive, some probably too stupid to swim forwards (they are men at the end of the day) and hopefully at least ONE going headfirst in the right direction and attacking ONE of my 4 or 5 eggs.  I mean please, boyz, it's much easier this month.  Get it right, ok?

Yesterday my good luck fertility charms came in the form of Olive and L Babypants whom I had the pleasure of eating a lovely sushi lunch with just hours before IUI #1 (nice to get sushi in one last time!).

They are both wonderful and it was great Olive could squeeze in a lunch during her time here in our fine city.

My nurse said all systems looked great and again expressed surprise at how well I responded to the Clo.mid.

I bought a pineapple on the way home and tried to eat some.  Now, I did this last month and it was all "Oh yum, pineapple.  How I love you.  Chomp, chomp"  That was before I found out that the deal with the pineapple is that you are supposed to leave the core in it!  WTF people????!!!!  Who eats pineapple with the core???  So now it's all, "Oh pineapple, yum, chomp, chomp, oh shit there's the core, Gag Gag."  The anticipation of when I will get the core has taken all of the fun out of pineapple eating.  Not Yummy.

Went to bed early with socks on feet.

This morning it was back to the clinic...with my lucky summer white pants on!  Yes, I figured it was probably the last day I was going to be able to wear them for awhile because soon the progesterone will bloat and distort my stomach and possibly make me cry about it.  But for today, they fit.

The sperm count today was even higher than yesterday and I still had lovely EWCV and a great looking cervix for IUI #2.  My sweet nurse insisted that "If you get pregnant this cycle, it's all you, it had nothing to do with us and I really hope this is it for you!"  Woo and Hoo.

Afterwards I headed to the office for a meeting with our CEO, followed by a 3-course lunch at a very expensive restaurant.  I admit that after lunch I wanted nothing more than to ditch my stupid white pants in the street and walk home naked.  Almost.

Seriously, I was starting to cramp up and I don't know if it was the ovulation pains or the IUI's or the tight pants or just too much food or a combination of everything, but it hurt!

By 5pm, I felt like a waddling, stuffed platypus making her way down the streets.  It hurt so much to walk that old ladies were passing me.  Slowly I made my way to my acupuncturist for some post IUI needle-lovin' who once again gushed that I am her poster child for a most excellent cycle on Cl.omid.

All this talk is making my head big and has me thinking that I might actually get pregnant.  It's a nice feeling and a dangerous feeling all at the same time.

Now I'm just chilling at home with the cats...waiting for the night to come and my love flies back home to me.

Always Advocate for Yourself

The conversation yesterday went something like this:

"I'd like to do the trigger shot myself so I could better time the IUI.  In fact, I want to do two IUI's."

"Our research has shown that one well-timed IUI is just as effective as two back to back IUI's"

"My research has shown that your one well-timed IUI isn't getting me pregnant, so let's try something new, shall we?"

And did I get those IUI's I wanted scheduled outside their 'normal' hours?  Damn right I did.

Full of Follies, Full of Hope--Day 13

And then there were five. I was told three times today that I'm an excellent responder to Cl.omid, so I'm allowing myself to feel hopeful this time around. Plus, I didn't have a single side effect with the hormones this month, despite the dosage being doubled--in fact I lost weight. I'm giving my workouts all the credit. If exercise can stave off depression, maybe it wards away the evil Clo.mid spirits, too.

I have 3 follicles on my right: 22, 20, 16 and 2 on my left: 18 and 13. I doubt the 13 will make it...but you never know. Lining looks great, a little thinner, but fine. The blood results showed I wasn't surging yet, so I felt confident about holding off on the trigger. Had I known the drugs were this good, I would've tried them sooner.

Based on the answers I got--thank you so much everyone--and going over my chart with my acupuncturist, we decided to go with 2 IUI's. She says my chart these last two months on the Clom.id are the best she's ever seen for me, so again, I have lots of hope.

The bonus bundle of hope came tonight in the form EWCM. Always nice to see you.

The tricky part was the trigger shot. I usually have them do it at the clinic, but that didn't work for timing. I couldn't for the life of me figure out how to give myself a shot in the ass, so I called a friend and bless her heart--she agreed, even though she's never given anyone an injection. My clinic has videos on their website on how to give any kind of injection, so we glued ourselves to the laptop until we felt confident we knew what we were doing. It was so nerve-wracking!! By 9:30pm, I was triggered and she was so awesome! It really does take a village!

And now: I have IUI #1 at 3pm Wed (18 hrs) and IUI #2 at 9am Thursday (36 hrs).

I don't know that I've ever had a cycle that I felt this good about. This is a very nice feeling.

Here's Where I Need (some of) Your Advice

Not that I don't love all of you and seriously I do. No really, let's talk about that for a minute:

I am so grateful for the abundance of well wishes that come my way. I have no idea who everyone is out there reading my crazy blog, but I'm astonished there are so many. Thank you for reading, for playing my silly travel trivia games, for listening to the mundane details of my life and for leaving encouraging comments when I write something you like or relate to. Thank You.

Right now, I've hit that point where (most of) my friends IRL aren't asking me anymore how it's going. I think they don't know what to say. One of my BFF's and I had dinner last week--she who accidentally got pregnant--and as I was telling her everything, she just looked so...I don't know, many parts of shock/guilt/uncomfortable. She is such a great friend to keep asking and patiently listening to all of the details, but she can't relate AT ALL.
But you can. So thank you for just being there.

I need some advice. I'd like to change things up this last IUI cycle. It's cycle #6. I took Cl.omid 100 mg Days 5-9 and am currently on Day 12. According to my blood and U/S follicle check (there were, gulp, FOUR), I could very well trigger tomorrow (Tuesday).
I have consistently done the trigger around 9am and the IUI at 11am/12pm the next day which is only 26-27 hours. Most everything says you'll ovulate within 24-36 hours after the trigger...so maybe I need to do it more around 30-34 hours?
I know those frozen guys don't last long...
Also this month--just to change it up, why the hell not as it's the last shot before starting IVF...we're using two vials of our boyz. His counts have been 'adequate' between 10-14 million, but I need more than adequate this time. I haven't decided whether I should do two vials and one IUI or two IUI's....oh the uncertainty.
Depending on the timing, I may have to shoot myself in the ass. I am not looking forward to that, but I can do it.

Question: For those of you who used a trigger shot and did an IUI AND got pregnant, when did you trigger and when did you do the IUI?
How many IUI's did you do?

Thanks!!!

Mama's on Drugs

Went in bright and early for Day 2 tests.

The results are in!  The blood levels are excellent:    FSH, 5.8 E2, 35

I am a happy lady right now!

While there I was able to talk to the RE on duty.  I really liked him and he agreed that I 'could' do this next cycle natural with a trigger shot.

However, (and my what a month can make) since I'm now 39 he would like to see me get aggressive.  If I were 33, he would not be pushing drugs on me since my body is totally doing everything it is supposed to be doing.  But, I'm not 33, I don't have the luxury of time on my side and he'd like to see if Clomid can help me.

We talked about scary multiples, my body size (I'm 5'2 and 105 lbs) and how it was a risk, but a small one.

He stated what I have heard from two other RE's now which is that you should only stay on Clomid for three cycles as the effectiveness decreases rapidly after this.

I've got an RX for Clomid 50mg now and I'll take them on days 5-9 and go in for my new bloodwork and Ultrasound on Day 11.

I'll do this for at least 2 cycles if not 3 and then it's either injectable or IVF.  I know I said I'd do IVF after 6 IUI's total and I am still leaning in that direction...but I can't think about that right now.

I've got to try this first and put my faith in that direction.

We also talked about back to back IUI's and his thought is that those are not any more effective than one with a well-timed (trigger) IUI.  Hmm...things to ponder indeed as we were thinking we would do two IUI's with the last of the "Seth" sperm this cycle.

First thing K said when I got home and told her the news?  "Is this going to make you really moody again?"  Hee Hee.  "Yeah, maybe."  "OK, honey, just checking".  Poor thing!

We were going to go to the Dyke March...but it just started raining.  I'm not enough of a lesbian to march in the RAIN.  So, off we go to the gym, then make dinner with some of our farm co-op veggies and watch a movie at a friend's house.

I Was Right

It's 100% negative. BFN.

I'm doing all the poses in my yoga class tonight.

On to the next round...whatever that is.

Did I mention that as I walked to the clinic the morning of the IUI I almost didn't go because I knew this cycle was a bust? I knew the timing was wrong. I knew.
And this morning I almost just went across the street and got an HPT because I knew.
When I did the progesterone this morning, I thought, "what a freakin' waste". I knew.

Meditating the Anxiety Away

In preparation for the preggo test, I went to a 2-hour meditation session at the Tibet House tonight with this woman.  She was quite amazing and since she's going to be there the next couple of Tuesdays, I think I'll keep going. 

Tomorrow morning I go in for a blood test and we'll find out one way or another by mid-afternoon.

I completely do not feel pregnant (whatever that feels like!) and I've watched my temps drop for 4 days now despite being on the progesterone, so whatever.  

If it's not my time, it's not my time.  I cannot control this.

K and I had a conversation over the weekend and discussed switching donors.  How do you know when it's time to break up with your donor?  I feel so foolish to have bought so much of him without trying him out first, but what can you do?  We have two more vials of him at our Fertility Center that we won't be able to return, so we'll lose the money on those and that stings.

The rest we can do an exchange for $150--although I don't know if that's per vial or the entire switch.  Probably per vial...

Anyone out there looking for some black market sperm?  He gets other women pregnant!

We also talked about perhaps just taking the plunge and trying more drugs this next cycle.  I am super scared of multiples because of my body size.  But there's a woman in my building who is as small as me and she had twins a year ago.  I saw these twins twice this weekend and it was like the universe sending me a sign, saying,  "you can do it. If you had to do it, you could do it". God those parents look tired and haggard.  But I could do it.  We could do it.

My RE isn't putting me on fertility drugs because he knows my fears and he says it's my choice But I've only got two cycles after this before IVF looms.  Is it silly to try 6 natural IUI's and then go to IVF without trying fertility drugs?

Remember my age, I don't have time to waste.  My clock is a freaking time bomb folks.

Excercise and IUI's

What have you all been told concerning this topic?
I’ve read/heard so much conflicting information that I just don’t know what to believe.
My RE said I could do anything during the TWW except the usual no no’s (horseback riding, tennis, basketball, dangerous type of sports). My acupuncturist said that I shouldn’t be doing any yoga, pilates or running for at least the first week.

The TWW is hard enough but not being able to do my usual workout routine makes me even more stressed out. I need (at least) my yoga class more than ever right now!
I’ve continued walking, stretching and weights, but everything else I’ve held off.

So tell me, what do you stop doing during the TWW as far as gym/exercise/working out? I’m curious to know…

Official Member of the Itty Bitty Pantyliner Committee

Hello Progesterone Suppositories, meet my new thong pantyliners.

It would've been nice if there had been directions with these bullet-like things, but no.  However, I guess my years of using OB tampons finally paid off.  No big deal getting it in, but my how it does like to leak out.

Whoever came up with the idea of a thong pantyliner, was pure genius!  I used to date this girl who would cut up a regular pantyliner into four separate pieces and make us homemade pantyliners.  Brilliant, eh?!

Did anyone watch High School Reunion this past Spring to see "Kat the Lesbian?"  Well, that's my ex and I declare she missed her chance to make millions in the pantyliner industry.

I refuse to even look at what the side effects these things have b/c I can't stand imagining more symptoms at this point.  I am a little hotter and a bit thirstier, but otherwise that, nothing else.

The IUI went fine, but I still am always second guessing the timing.  I feel like I just keep googling the same exact shit month after month after month.  I had to wait over 30 minutes, but at least in that time I went to the bathroom and found EWCM, so my mood improved a little bit.

I had a different nurse than I usually do and while I don't like her as much as my usual nurse, her technique was great.  I did ask her how my cervix looked, was it wide and open? She replied "cervix's are always open".  Um, thanks, not exactly what I was asking for.  

This cycle has me feeling rather low.  I ovulated very late, I feel like we may have inseminated a day too late and wasted all that sperm.  I have doubts about my sperm donor.    His count isn't as high as I'd like it.  Usually he's at 14-16mil and this time was only 10mil.  That's the bare minimum they have to guarantee.  Despite being reassured that it's more than enough to get me pregnant, I still feel stupid for buying all of the sperm at once instead of trying him out a cycle or two before committing.  It's like getting ready for a blind date and putting a down payment on the future house you'll buy together before you even arrive at the date.

Then I went to my post-IUI acupuncture session and didn't have my regular therapist.  The alternate woman looked at my BBT chart and nonchalantly declared that it looked like I'd ovulated on Day 15.  Alarmed I squeeked, "but I did the IUI 3 days later, they took blood, I had ultrasounds, the blood said different".  She rescinded, but it made me feel like once again, all this money, even the acupuncture, for nothing.

Everyone has a theory and none of them match up.

I want to trust my fertility center.  I really, really do.  They are one of the top fertility centers in the world.  But lately I feel like a second-class citizen because I'm not doing IVF and that's what they do best.  Even with the top facility, an IUI is still a well-timed crap shoot.

As a Dr. (not at my clinic) told one of my friends after 10 cycles, "do you want to get pregnant or do you want to keep trying?"  She's pregnant now, after an IVF cycle.

I'm scared, because if this cycle is a BFP, I've got exactly TWO more tries before IVF.

Here's to another, messier, mind-fuck of a TWW.

Shot Through the Ass and Sperm's to Blame

That, fellow young internetters, is wordplay on a Bon Jovi song. You may be too young to remember…but it was a really famous song and damn it I’m OLD.
What does it mean?? I took ye ole trigger shot in the ass today my friends.

My temp has been unusually low for days and my body is working really slow this cycle (today is Day 17) possibly due to my wonky cycle last month. I’ve been going to the RE since Day 11 as last month was such a short cycle. I got really down Sunday morning when I saw on the ultrasound that my follicles had hardly grown in 3 days and my LH was no where near peak levels.
So today I went back to the RE where they found two follies, one 18.5. My estrogen is 316 and my LH 14.4.
Also, this morning I woke up to lovely EWCM in the panties and well, if EWCM on Day 17 doesn’t put a smile on your face, really, what will?

Thanks to all of my new online friends and friends in real life who called/emailed/texted to say Happy Birthday! I was feeling a bit down (just a bit, nothing to worry about!) and it made me feel loved and special. Plus, I’m older. Urh. But, on the bright side, I got carded at the last club I went to and still look WELL under 30. Use your SPF moisturizer ladies (and token gay man), it really does work.

I’ve been away from the internets due to no good reason other than I was getting a bit obsessed with blogs and researching. It’s summertime and up until the NYC heat wave sky-rocketed temps to 100, it was rather pleasant outdoors.

I’ve been concentrating on wrapping my head around what’s going on inside my body in healthy ways. What does that mean? Yoga, meditation, pilates, reading, dinner with friends, shopping, cooking, outdoor BBQ’s, foreign films, sitting in the park staring at the grass wishing I could smoke it (OMG, did I just say that!?) and my monthly “damn I’m not pregnant again” sampling of raw fish and wine.

Through conversations with my RE, nurse and acupuncturist we determined that last month was probably a chemical pregnancy (95%). This is partial bad news as it obviously didn’t stick. However, the good news is that my body got pregnant all by itself on a natural cycle—not even a trigger shot. It gave me hope that I can do it and I will do it. That is, me and the help of some progesterone suppositories this cycle, so that itty bitty sticky rice, STICKS.

Tomorrow? 11:30 am, Spermification v.4

How Long Can You Stare at the Crotch of Your Panties?

Crotch.  What a word and not a very attractive one, either.  Most words that are ugly in English usually end up sounding great in French, but this one fails me "organ genitale" is roughly what is translates to and I don't find much comfort in this either.

But let's get back to my crotch, shall we?

For the first time, I *think* I'm having symptoms.  Like spotting.  I mean, something is going on and it's not normal...and spotting is the closest description I can provide without completely grossing out my gay, male readers (and yes, I do have a few believe it or not!).  If indeed this is what's happening then it could well be implantation bleeding that I'm seeing a bit of and that would be right on target as it's 9DPO...or AF is rearing her bloody head and bearing down upon me--Really F*cking Early--a week early.

Of course, I'm hoping for the former for obvious reasons and if it's the latter, not only will I feel let down once again by AF's arrival, but also more distraught than ever as it will mean my cycle is incredibly out of whack.

I'm also having a bit of cramping, more yesterday than today....and I can't be sure if it was because my 12 pound cat had just stepped squarely on them or what, but I'm pretty sure my breasts are more tender than normal.

Fatigue has also been present.  I've been in meetings for the last two days and found myself yawning non-stop, really fighting to stay awake.  Now, one one hand, it could just very well be that because I have relatives staying in my house and we are staying up later than usual and I don't sleep as well with guests....OR....it could be THE FATIGUE.  

Whatever it is, I left work early yesterday, came home and took a nap.  I never do that.  Never.

As I sat on the toilet last night...pondering this new found symptom, I reached down for my last pregnancy test strip.

I got a package of them for free and have one left...turning it over I found the expiration date, 5/08.

I'm taking that as a good sign!

A Shot in the Stomach

Last night I had to give my cousin, who is squatting on my couch for three days, a shot in her stomach.

I didn't want to do it, but she couldn't/wouldn't do it herself and neither would her daughter.

That left me.

I said, "well, if I ever have to do injectables and/or IVF, this will give me an idea of what I'll have to do to myself."

Right after that I thought, "I think I've cursed myself.  Does this mean I'm going to be doing this?"

And for the first time all week, I felt not pregnant.

It's 7DPO and I know it's too early to tell one way or another and I really try SO hard not to obsess over every twinge or temp rise, but I felt for the first time ever this month I really could be pregnant this time.  I never felt that way with IUI #1 or #2....but this one had possibilities...until that shot in the stomach.

The shot wasn't so bad, I could do it to myself if I had to, but I'd much rather I didn't...

Going for my Insemination NOW--IUI #3

This is totally unexpected. I've never surged this early or had a follicle this big--19mm--so early in the cycle.
I was freaking this morning that I'd missed it because my temp had surged a bit, but the blood says otherwise and here we go again.
More later....

OK, I’m back. So…what happened?!?!

Well for the past two months I have surged around the 15^th/16^th and done inseminations accordingly.
This was the protocol for May as well and I had anticipated going into the RE on this morning and slowly watching my follicle grow and my blood levels rise.
But No. Sunday I found our friend ‘spin’. If you don’t know what spin is…
**warning TMI ahead**
…it’s the lovely egg-white cervical mucous right before you ovulate.
Naturally I OPK’ed, but it was negative. That’s OK, our friend spin can show up for a few days in advance.

Yesterday, in the late afternoon OPK’ed again in the bathroom stall of my office (good times!) and it was positive. It was too late for me to go to the RE, so I OPK’ed again at 9pm, called my nurse to tell her the news and that I’d be in this morning and that I thought we would be inseminating.
Thankfully we have our vial o’ swimmers ready and waiting in the lab, so no drama there.

However, this morning I did my BBT and found that it had gone up a few degrees. I don’t have a very steep spike and my acupuncturist and I are both afraid based on my BBT last month that we missed it and did the insemination one day too late. By the time we got to the VIFC at 8:30am I was a bit on the freaking out side thinking that we’d missed it.
They did the ultrasound and found a nice fat follie, but what I didn’t know is that you can’t tell from the ultrasound if that follicle has ruptured or not—thus indicating that you have indeed ovulated and missed your try this month.

My sweet, sweet nurse agreed to rush my blood work while I rushed off to a meeting at work and could only do the insemination in between meetings. As if this day weren’t complicated and stressful enough already!
So I’m in a meeting from 9:30-10:45, nurse calls, all systems are go, I cab it back at 11:15 and by 12:30 I’m back at my office only 30 minutes late for a 2-hour meeting.
Gah!!
When it came time to deposit the goods, my nurse told me that she saw lots of cervical mucous which made me positively giddy with excitement and gave me hope that indeed we had NOT missed it.

She was in and out in record time—in fact I never even felt it—which leads me to think my cervix was wide open, ready and waiting.

Last month she had a lot of trouble threading it through, it was a little painful and another reason why I believe we missed it as my cervix was probably already closing up.

You may have noticed careful reader, that in one of the above sentences I have referred to “we”. That’s right, for the first time ever, K, who is working from home this week, was actually able to experience this occasion of insemination with me! We tried to make out in the room afterwards, but we both starting laughing because it really is quite strange to do anything sexual in those rooms. She did have a little fun playing doctor with the snake light—heehee.

As I’ve referenced before, I have high hopes for May. From the beginning I felt this would be month as one day walking to the clinic my mind went into numerology overdrive and without boring you of all the crazy details, May looked extremely favorable. Last but not least, May 12^th was the Buddha’s birthday and while I was wishing for a Buddha baby, I’ll settle with a Buddha surge.
In the meantime, we’ll add vial number 3 to the Spirit House and do a little fertility dance and act like crazy people.

Oh! AND this morning K bought advance tickets for the upcoming Madonna Hard Candy tour! That has to be a good omen!!

BFN #2--Day 1 Cycle #3

So, it's a Big Fat Negative. I didn't even need to take a test this morning as AF arrived, just as predicted.
Damn.
But you know, I knew it. The universe said it to me loud and clear on April 20 in my bedroom. We were having the apartment painted on April 22 (had the appointment booked since January and couldn't really change it...) and had to clear everything out, up and off into the middle of the rooms and cover it all with plastic.
It's like moving without moving and it's Horrible. As we were deconstructing the bedroom, I realized with horror that I had TOO MUCH SHIT.

Now anyone who knows me will laugh right now because you will be thinking "um, you just realized that?!" No, I didn't 'just' realize it, but it hit me with a force since I need to make room for baby.
It's not that I'm a pack-rat, maybe just a pack-gerbil, you know...something on a smaller scale. I like collecting things and I like saving things. Looking at things that I've saved and collected brings me peace and happiness and I have always hoped that someday I would have children who would spend rainy days looking at all of mom's old things and enjoying them immensely.
So there are things I just cannot get rid of.

Plus, I've moved around so much that this is my permanence. Since I was born I can count 28 moves. I have no childhood home and my home travels with me. So all these things that I collect are a part of me and most of them I just can't bear to part with.

Enter the Container Store. If I can't get rid of it, I have to find a better way to contain it! What the paint project became was an entire apartment renovation project and at one point I heard the universe scream at me to get all this crap done before adding something else--like a baby--to the mix. Call me crazy, but that's when I knew I wasn't pregnant this month. So, we went ahead and stained the furniture.

From the very beginning, way back in the cold, dark month of January, I had the feeling that May would be the month. We shall see...

Tonight I'm going to a birthday party for one of my best friends and I think I'll have a glass of champagne and celebrate! Yes, it's bad news for me...but someone got pregnant today and good things are happening all over. I have a lot to be thankful for and I'm going to keep focusing on that.

Mission # 2 Activated (formerly known as Swim Swimmers Swim)

Ready to be Spermified

IUI #2 was this afternoon at 2pm. When I went in yesterday my estrogen had peaked and I was clearly already surging so I didn't have to do the trigger shot.
I had an U/S yesterday and there was one nice looking follice at 18.5mm, so by the time of the IUI maybe it had reached 20mm.
The timing has me a little freaked. I think that last month K and I truly did see it as almost a 'practice run' and we weren't expecting too much. This month feels more real and thus has me scared of the very low percentages of a natural cycle IUI at my 'advanced age' (38) and the short lifespan of frozen sperm (6-12 hours VS 3 days for the fresh stuff).
The timing is so tight and crucial, it's a wonder anyone ever gets pregnant!

My acupuncturist wants me to start temping again and the funny thing is, I'd started doing it the night before myself.
Going to the RE and Big Fertility Center can make you forget that you are still the best advocate for what your body is doing and I realized that I need to have some power over that.
The blood work and the ultrasounds are great, but I want to temp as well.
Next month--if I'm not pregnant, I'll be getting a speculum to check out my cervix and see what's going on in there. If you don't know what I mean and it's just TMI...you can read all about it here.

Overall, it went rather smoothly. My nurse had a bit more trouble threading the catheter in this time, but it wasn't painful, just uncomfortable and took a little longer. She likes to talk to me while she's going about the business which is great as it might take your mind off it, but at one point, I had to say, "I'm going to stop talking and just breathe now, OK?"

Afterwards, I texted K, but she was in a meeting and couldn't call me right back. So, I put on my iPod and listened to a few songs by Elisa before heading to the office. K and I were able to talk on my way to work and she is being very supportive.
It's hard for both of us that she's not around much to be a part of this on a day to day level.
But as she travels for work Monday-Thursday, it's difficult.

We have a busy weekend ahead with a silent rave in Union Square Friday night (this is about 2000 people dancing around with their iPods on!), a farewell BBQ for my German friend on her apartment terrace tomorrow afternoon/evening, and a baby christening of K's nephew on Sunday in Princeton.
I have something planned almost every single night next week--even if it's just yoga or pilates as it makes the TWW go by much, much faster!

Back in the Stirrups

I've spoken to my nurse and we're on to IUI #2.  Basically the same protocol as last month and this is the overall map of what I'm doing:

• March/April/May = unmedicated IUI's with trigger shots
  
• June/July/August = IUI w/ drugs, probably Clomid and trigger
  
• After August = Gimme the hard drugs, we're going IVF baby!
  

I have a lot to be thankful for and I now need to remind myself of at least 10 good things (not necessarily in order of importance):

1. My body is working; I have regular periods and I ovulate regularly.  
2. Dr. VID says I have a perfect uterus.  
3. I am in excellent health.  
4. I walk to work and back and am thankful my legs and feet carry me without fail for one hour every single day.  
5. I eat a healthy, mostly organic diet.  
6. My insurance policy that is (so far) covering this.
7. Many wonderful friends and family members who support me and care about me.  
8. A good job that isn't the most fulfilling but at least doesn't make me miserable and best of all provides me with a great deal of flexibility.
   
9. Three cats that love me as soon as I walk in the door every single day!
10. My partner, because I cannot imagine doing this without K.

That's my pep talk to myself.  It's back in the stirrups folks!

Post Insemination Acupuncture

The way acupuncture for fertility works is you have a pre and a post insemination session and in between you go for a balancing session.  Since I started going the same month I did my first IUI, I don't know how beneficial it is as they say it usually takes a couple of months to balance your Qi/Chi.  But when I arrived today she told me that she'd had three other women in sessions that day who told her they were pregnant.  Purely coincidental?  Possibly.  But I'll take good signs where I can find them!

I feel like I'm trying to create this perfect balance of (1) not wanting to expect to be pregnant because statistically the odds of that happening are so small and (2) keeping positive about the fact that I could be pregnant because women-even of my age-do get pregnant on their first try.

I do pretty much consider this try kind of like a trial run and am not getting my hopes up, but nevertheless, I can't help but be a little excited that maybe, just maybe, I'm going to get pregnant easily.

A girl can hope.

Swim Swimmers Swim!

D-Day.  I slept late, made a full-on decaf cappuccino and walked up to the VEFC for my 11am appointment with the super sperm.

To remind you, this is my first ever IUI, so when the nurse brought in the vial, I admit my mouth dropped.  There was no more than 1/2 inch and it boggled the mind that there could be 13 million sperm in there.

When I remarked about this, my nurse told me a funny story.  She has a 9-year-old daughter who is quite informed about mom's line of work.  The daughter said, "with that many sperm, you would think at least one could find its' way to the egg."  

To which her mother replied, "Yes, you would think that, but men are stupid."

Ha!  I love my nurse!

I had a few word's with Seth's sperm.  Told them they were about to embark on a very important mission and while I knew some would get lost and other's would just spin in circles like eternal Sufi's and while all that whirling is great fun, all I needed was one to keep going and find the egg.  They had 24 hours.  Get to it.  Go!

I'm one of those people who likes to read sign into things--usually good signs.  So this is what my nurse and I came up with today:  Today is the 20th.  The vial was marked donated on the 20th (not March, but June) and is the first day of Spring!  Hello!  Fertility, New Birth and Life!  Being the semi pagan/Buddhist I am these are great signs, no?

It didn't hurt at all, slightly uncomfortable and then it was over.

K couldn't be there, which kind of sucked, but was mostly OK.  If she's out of town and the baby comes early and she's not there I'll be pissed, but right now it's all good.  After all, I can call here while waiting for the swimmers to swim.  Except she's in a meeting and isn't picking up.

Next on the list is one of my best friends in Texas who will answer the phone on the toilet so won't be weirded out by the fact that I'm calling her, hips held high, from the insemination table.  "Hey"  "Hey" "What are you doing?"  "Going to the bathroom"  "Oh, yeah.  I'm laying on a table at the doctor's telling the swimmers to swim" "What?"  "I just got inseminated" to which she replied the best reply EVER.

"Oh my god, that is so cool.  It's like we just had sex.  I'm going to remember this conversation for the rest of my life"

And then she got all over-protective girlfriend on me when I told her I had to go to the bathroom,  "don't push too hard" cuz she was scared the sperm would fall out.

My mom, who texts like a 13 year-old, sent me the cutest text message and is so excited for me. 

Out of all of the family member on both sides of our families, it is my mother--the born-again Southern Baptist from a red state--who has been the most supportive and accepting of what K and I are doing.  She doesn't care if it's K's eggs, my egg's  or what, she just thinks it's great that we're having a baby.  My mom has come a long way with acceptance over the last 20 years and I am so happy to be able to share all of my news along the way with her.

OK, if anyone out there has any fertility prayers to say or little dolls or amulets you'd care to rub, I'd greatly appreciate it.