How Long Can You Stare at the Crotch of Your Panties?

Crotch.  What a word and not a very attractive one, either.  Most words that are ugly in English usually end up sounding great in French, but this one fails me "organ genitale" is roughly what is translates to and I don't find much comfort in this either.

But let's get back to my crotch, shall we?

For the first time, I *think* I'm having symptoms.  Like spotting.  I mean, something is going on and it's not normal...and spotting is the closest description I can provide without completely grossing out my gay, male readers (and yes, I do have a few believe it or not!).  If indeed this is what's happening then it could well be implantation bleeding that I'm seeing a bit of and that would be right on target as it's 9DPO...or AF is rearing her bloody head and bearing down upon me--Really F*cking Early--a week early.

Of course, I'm hoping for the former for obvious reasons and if it's the latter, not only will I feel let down once again by AF's arrival, but also more distraught than ever as it will mean my cycle is incredibly out of whack.

I'm also having a bit of cramping, more yesterday than today....and I can't be sure if it was because my 12 pound cat had just stepped squarely on them or what, but I'm pretty sure my breasts are more tender than normal.

Fatigue has also been present.  I've been in meetings for the last two days and found myself yawning non-stop, really fighting to stay awake.  Now, one one hand, it could just very well be that because I have relatives staying in my house and we are staying up later than usual and I don't sleep as well with guests....OR....it could be THE FATIGUE.  

Whatever it is, I left work early yesterday, came home and took a nap.  I never do that.  Never.

As I sat on the toilet last night...pondering this new found symptom, I reached down for my last pregnancy test strip.

I got a package of them for free and have one left...turning it over I found the expiration date, 5/08.

I'm taking that as a good sign!

BFN #2--Day 1 Cycle #3

So, it's a Big Fat Negative. I didn't even need to take a test this morning as AF arrived, just as predicted.
Damn.
But you know, I knew it. The universe said it to me loud and clear on April 20 in my bedroom. We were having the apartment painted on April 22 (had the appointment booked since January and couldn't really change it...) and had to clear everything out, up and off into the middle of the rooms and cover it all with plastic.
It's like moving without moving and it's Horrible. As we were deconstructing the bedroom, I realized with horror that I had TOO MUCH SHIT.

Now anyone who knows me will laugh right now because you will be thinking "um, you just realized that?!" No, I didn't 'just' realize it, but it hit me with a force since I need to make room for baby.
It's not that I'm a pack-rat, maybe just a pack-gerbil, you know...something on a smaller scale. I like collecting things and I like saving things. Looking at things that I've saved and collected brings me peace and happiness and I have always hoped that someday I would have children who would spend rainy days looking at all of mom's old things and enjoying them immensely.
So there are things I just cannot get rid of.

Plus, I've moved around so much that this is my permanence. Since I was born I can count 28 moves. I have no childhood home and my home travels with me. So all these things that I collect are a part of me and most of them I just can't bear to part with.

Enter the Container Store. If I can't get rid of it, I have to find a better way to contain it! What the paint project became was an entire apartment renovation project and at one point I heard the universe scream at me to get all this crap done before adding something else--like a baby--to the mix. Call me crazy, but that's when I knew I wasn't pregnant this month. So, we went ahead and stained the furniture.

From the very beginning, way back in the cold, dark month of January, I had the feeling that May would be the month. We shall see...

Tonight I'm going to a birthday party for one of my best friends and I think I'll have a glass of champagne and celebrate! Yes, it's bad news for me...but someone got pregnant today and good things are happening all over. I have a lot to be thankful for and I'm going to keep focusing on that.