One Week Down and Grateful

That was fast. I always find the first week is faster. Do you?

Fire Island was fantastic. There are no cars, no roads and it's such a peaceful and relaxing place. You walk off the ferry and feel an instant "Ahhhhhh." It was so good to see our friends and spend a couple of days at the beach. We had an amazing 'anniversary' weekend filled with love and laughter. We ate lobster rolls and took long walks on the beach. In the evenings we grilled out on the patio and ate under the stars--stars we never see in Manhattan and oh how I miss them. Late at night we'd go for ice cream and walk down to the beach to watch as the orange moon rose on the horizon.

They asked about the baby making plans and I obliged by telling them any and all details they wanted. Everyone is excited and very supportive, plus we were told many times how great we are together and what an amazing team we are.
I feel that way too and I'm glad others notice it.

Kate and I have been through a LOT in our 8 years together and it's so nice to know that through it all, we have developed a healthy, working relationship with one another filled with friendship, love, and much, much laughter. Marriage is hard, hard work and without all the years of working through things, I don't think we'd be handling the TTC process so well. I can't imagine doing this in the early years! This process has only brought us closer together. I can't even remember the last time we quarreled (small tiffs, yes; full blown fights, no).
For me, I try to focus on the amazing life we have right here, right now and not dwell too much on what we don't have or want. We have everything we need.

We both know that we are not in charge here. There's a higher power out there and we cannot control when we get pregnant. Ultimately, we hope to have a baby. It may be mine, it may be hers, it may be me carrying hers, it may be adopted but the end result will be that we have a child.
And if, just IF, we do not, life will go on. I have gone through nearly 40 years child-free (ouch I think I just sprained my finger typing that. Fuck. 40?) and while I'd really love to have children, I'm sure I can get through 40 more without one.
The more I remind myself that I am not in charge, the easier this process is. Letting go is a difficult thing for me to do and this has been the ultimate exercise in demonstrating my untapped strength.

We are really blessed to have such a wonderful life. I'm either pregnant right now or I'm not.
I really feel like I could be, but if not we're off to LLN (Land of Lots of Needles aka IVF).
Either way, I can handle it.
Having some amazing travels coming up helps a lot! This was a good time to plan a vacation!

BFN #2--Day 1 Cycle #3

So, it's a Big Fat Negative. I didn't even need to take a test this morning as AF arrived, just as predicted.
Damn.
But you know, I knew it. The universe said it to me loud and clear on April 20 in my bedroom. We were having the apartment painted on April 22 (had the appointment booked since January and couldn't really change it...) and had to clear everything out, up and off into the middle of the rooms and cover it all with plastic.
It's like moving without moving and it's Horrible. As we were deconstructing the bedroom, I realized with horror that I had TOO MUCH SHIT.

Now anyone who knows me will laugh right now because you will be thinking "um, you just realized that?!" No, I didn't 'just' realize it, but it hit me with a force since I need to make room for baby.
It's not that I'm a pack-rat, maybe just a pack-gerbil, you know...something on a smaller scale. I like collecting things and I like saving things. Looking at things that I've saved and collected brings me peace and happiness and I have always hoped that someday I would have children who would spend rainy days looking at all of mom's old things and enjoying them immensely.
So there are things I just cannot get rid of.

Plus, I've moved around so much that this is my permanence. Since I was born I can count 28 moves. I have no childhood home and my home travels with me. So all these things that I collect are a part of me and most of them I just can't bear to part with.

Enter the Container Store. If I can't get rid of it, I have to find a better way to contain it! What the paint project became was an entire apartment renovation project and at one point I heard the universe scream at me to get all this crap done before adding something else--like a baby--to the mix. Call me crazy, but that's when I knew I wasn't pregnant this month. So, we went ahead and stained the furniture.

From the very beginning, way back in the cold, dark month of January, I had the feeling that May would be the month. We shall see...

Tonight I'm going to a birthday party for one of my best friends and I think I'll have a glass of champagne and celebrate! Yes, it's bad news for me...but someone got pregnant today and good things are happening all over. I have a lot to be thankful for and I'm going to keep focusing on that.

Totally Not an April Fool's Joke

And totally not pregnant either. I got up to POAS when K got in the shower at some ungodly hour to catch her flight and Aunt Flo greeted me.  I POAS'd anyway because I was like, "F*ck You.  I did not wait all this time to not pee on my first stick!"

I know, silly, but there was a little voice in my head--a crazy deranged voice--that said, "could be late implantation bleeding?" Even though I knew it wasn't.

And that was that.  Out of frustration I drank a full caff cappuccino--take that you stupid sperm--ate a 3-course lunch with my team at Lilette (oh so YUM delicious) and then was upset that I'd done nothing but eat for five days, including an absolutely fabulous meal last night at Commander's Palace.  

Out of frustration I went to the gym and ran five miles on the treadmill and burned 550 calories before saying "screw it", then went to dinner at a friend's house where I not only had another 3-course meal but I drank WINE.

Wine, Ha!  That no drinking thing lasted a really long time didn't it.  What was that, two weeks? Haha.

You know, I really didn't expect to be pregnant on the first try and honestly, I feel bad for kids who have December birthday's because they totally get screwed.  However, I would've loved to have a December baby!  I can't believe that I used to be like, "well, I really want a girl, and I'd like to be most pregnant in the summer months and I don't want a Scorpio or a December baby"  HA!

As if I have any control over anything?! (hello, control issues anyone...I'm working on that).

Now, I want a baby, a healthy little baby.  I don't care when or what sign or what sex.  

Just get me pregnant and get me one of them babies.

It also sucks that I can't curl up with K tonight and talk about this because she's on a plane and completely inaccessible.

OK folks, on to Try #2.  Stay tuned.

And if you're out there reading this, say hey.  Or something.