Mama's Lil' Puffer

Clothing Perfection.

Could there be a better outfit for my kids?!

I wish I had one of these in every size til they are 18. Seriously.

I am going to be so sad when they outgrow these. These are going into the baby memory box for sure!

Grunter aka SqueekyPoof

Whoop Whoop trying to eat his brother's hand. Again.

Grunter puts up with a lot.

You'd Better Work It

So guess what I got my boys for their six month old birthday?? A job! Haha!

We got the part! But not without some showbiz drama....

Here's how it went down:

I fed them about 1/2 hr before we left and then we wore them in the Ergo/Mai Tai. They slept about 1/2 of the way and were conked out by the time we arrived at the studio in Queens.

We were in a room with hair and makeup, some extras and another set of twins (g/g). We thought we'd be in this private room and we could put the babies down to play and chill out--um no. They stayed asleep for their first 'interview' which involved two guys coming over with a photo of another set of twins and comparing the photo to our sleeping boys.

The second time they came over, the boys had woken up and we were asked to stand up with them. They were still in the carriers and I asked if we needed to take them out, but they said no.

And...not long after that we were thanked for coming and told that our boys, while very cute and adorable, were just too big for the part.

First time they've been TOO BIG!! Yeah, they are growing! Boo, they didn't get the part.

I stopped to chat up the other twin parents on my way out. Their girls were quite a bit smaller than our boys and they were asked to come back tomorrow. Oh, and get this, they also have a 3 year old and a 19 month old. Holy Crap that's a lot of baby. Anyway.

We took the subway back home and arrived home just in time for the next feeding. While I'm feeding them, I get a call from the producer that "oh, they've changed their mind and could we start filming tomorrow?"

Huh? Well, OK!

I'm still not clear on why they changed their mind, but there you have it. We start work at (insert OMG here) 7:15 am tomorrow. How in the world am I going to get these guys fed, dressed and be in Queens by 7:15 am?? I'll get 'er done, but damn. Guess I'll go take a shower now and go to sleep in the clothes I plan to wear tomorrow.

For those of you who couldn't figure out which show it is, the clue is in the prior title, GIRL.

Gossip Much?

A few weeks ago I got a tip that a certain very popular TV show was auditioning for twin boys just about the age of my guys.

By the time I got the tip, they were already doing the open casting call that very day and I'd missed it.

I figured, what the hell, I'll email the casting director with a few (OK, 10) photos of the boys and their stats even though it's too late for us to make it to the open call.

Well, to my great surprise she called me back in less than 10 minutes and was very interested. They were making a decision the next day and she'd let me know.

I never heard back from her and that was that.

Until...

She called me last Friday and said the twins they cast 'might not work out'...something like that.

Could we come in for a 2 hour interview on Tuesday? Um, sure!

This is not an open casting call, this is just for MY guys! And this casting agency does many other shows, not just this particular show so now we are in the database.

Our plan is to wear the boys on the subway in the Ergo/s and hope to God they nap and are in a good mood when we arrive to wow the producers!

Regardless, it will be an interesting outing and pretty cool to see 'behind the scenes'.

I don't currently watch this show, but I bet some of you do. I will be watching religiously if we get the part!

Wish us luck!

Magic Titty on the Mend plus Bonus Photos!

WooWee. That was brutal. I love how I skimmed over those parts in my Mothers of Multiples breastfeeding book. I remember thinking "that sounds AWFUL, good thing I don't have to worry about that".
And the universe laughed a big effin HaHa.

My fever broke yesterday morning so that was fast. I felt like I'd been hit by a giant wave. No kidding about those "flu like" symptoms. Ouchie.

I've had Whoop Whoop take his afternoon nap on my broken titty for the last two days and immediately there has been an improvement.

Taking the meds, massaging BT and trying to get some rest.
I am concerned about my supply as it seems to have dropped substantially almost overnight not just from BT but from the tits alright side as well. I've eaten like a bird in the past 48 so maybe it's that.
My appetite is returning and hopefully so will my milk.
Until then, thank god for formula or else there would be non stop screaming from 2 hungry babies.
I think they look pretty happy. We have a lot of fun even though I wish I had the energy of HN. Someday. Maybe I'll feel like my old self someday.


Feet are the most fascinating thing in W2's life these days.





When he's not trying to eat his toes, he can be found trying to eat his brother's hand.

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Seriously Broken Update

Yep, it's mastitis. It came on fast.
Fever was 101.5 an hour ago and now 102.4.
Called OB who called in RX which I will take for 10 days.

Then I called LC who said I can still BF, but do it as normal--when the boys eat. Then pump afterwards to empty the breast.
Woohoo. I can get some sleep!

HN is staying late and doing bedtime routine, thank god for her. No date night this week.

So dizzy. So cold. This bites.
The good news is that the broken titty is less lumpy after Whoop Whoop stayed on for an hour.

Thanks for all of your comments.

PS. I'd read about the comb/hot shower thing and tried that this morning. No dice.

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Broken Titty Update

Two hours ago:
Headache. Heating Pad on my head now. And that's the heated rice sock tucked into my bra.
Why didn't anyone tell me my tits are the size of a po.rn star's? Jeezus. I had no idea. No wonder I've been getting some MILF looks from the ghetto guys.




Now, Sitting here with W2 asleep on my breast for the last hour doing that suck/sleep thing. Figured it was the best thing for my broken titty and he only slept in his crib for a 30 minute catnap so might as well ensure he gets sleep one way or another.

I'm so cold. The room is at 78 degrees and I'm wrapped in blankets head to toe with just my boob uncovered.
My hands feel a little numb.
When I think of food, my stomach tumbles.
This can't be good. Fuck.

When W2 wakes up I'm trying Poppy's suggestion of the broken titty dunking booth and after that calling the OB and my LC.

I'm wiped out and can't even *really* sleep because I should be pumping every 2 hours.

Fuckityfuckfuckfuck.


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Magic Titty is Broken

It was a very normal routine last night:

• breast feed at 4:30pm
• bath at 5:15pm
• bottle of BM at 5:30pm (yes, we try to fatten them up like foie gras in the evening)
• in bed by 6pm

I pumped at 7pm, didn't get as much as usual, but thought nothing of it.

Ate dinner, took a shower and went to bed at 8:30pm.

Boys woke up at 11pm (they usually wake up anywhere between 10-11pm)

Gave them a formula bottle, got up to pump.

While pumping, again noticed I didn't get nearly as much as usual.

Got back into bed and realized the magic titty on the right was broken.

As in HUGE and FULL of lumps and PAINFUL.

Back out to the living room and Dr. Google.

Self Diagnosis is Clogged Milk Duct.

Crap. Apply ice while researching cures.

Took a midnight hot shower and massaged broken magic titty.

Felt marginally better and went back to bed.

Woke up again at 2:30am, nursed them both on the broken titty and had to run and get a backup bottle as not enough was coming out.

Pumped again, applied ice.

Repeated the same thing in the morning, breast feed, pump, hot shower, massage.

This time I got out the heating pad and laid down with it for an hour.

Then when it was time to feed them again, I massaged the broken titty as I fed them.

It hurts SO bad. It's huge and lumpy and engorged. It hurts to raise my arm. I can't lift a baby without major pain. I am out of commission today and trying to let HN and Chicken do everything while I breast feed, pump and rest.

I am getting a little less than an ounce every time I pump on that side and the baby does stay on for about 5 minutes before becoming frustrated, so I know something is coming out, but not much.

Any words of advice? Anything else I could/should be doing? How long to expect this to last?

My boys want their magic titty back soon.

Oops. It Happened Again

The first feeling was jealously not joy.
My brain was telling me to say "Congratulations, I'm so happy for you."
And I did, right after "You've got to be fucking kidding me. The practice run try?"

She's 31. She's got fresh sperm. It was easy.
She's by far my favorite relative in all of Chicken's family and it IS going to be super cool having another cousin so close in age.
And yet the news still hit me a bit like acid being thrown.

We told her before anyone in our family. And now we know before anyone else as well. I'm flattered we are the first to know.
I am truly joyful for her and wish her a great pregnancy.
But damn. That initial reaction.
It never gets easier.
Does it?


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Rocks

Who Rocks? You do. And you, and you and yes, YOU.

Wow. I am truly, deeply touched at all of your comments and the outpouring of support you have shown me.

I am not alone, not at all. Thank you for sharing your stories. I hope that I can continue to be honest here and that it encourages others to share their struggles with motherhood as well.

That post was written so many different ways, so many different times. I deleted them all until finally, I just HAD to post it. I felt guilty for 'complaining' (still do) when I worked so hard (and spent a shitload of money) to get pregnant in the first place.

I'm also very much aware of my readership, fellow IFer's, TTCer's, twin mom's and twin mom's to be. I didn't want to alienate or scare anyone. But there are over 400 of you out there, steadily reading along. I hope you'll continue to do so.

These babies are so wanted and loved, I can't stress that enough.

I feel like I'm supposed to spend every single minute with them and in reality, I'm not. I can't. That part is really hard for me but I've started working on it.

When Chicken read my post, she told me to hand over full control to hot nanny, (I see from the comments that nickname stuck, so I'm just going to go with it now), who is completely competent and has a lot more experience with twins and/or babies than either one of us, and go take a nap. I complied. While I was napping, Chicken asked HN to stay late and arranged to take me out to dinner.

A date. Just us. It was great. I put on a dress, indulged in an adult beverage and felt more like a human being again. Chicken rocks.

I'm learning that it's OK to let someone else baby wrangle and that I don't always need to be a part of it. I'm also learning that I have to get over my fear of being alone with these babies. That part is trickier. But we are taking baby steps. The older they get, the easier it gets. No matter how bad the day is, I have to keep remembering that it IS getting better and it will continue to do so.

But I feel pathetic that I have FT help and I still feel this crazed. I feel like a loser because I'm not doing this on my own and that being alone with them makes my heart race and not in a good way. I have to get over that so we are working out a new game plan.

We are going to see if HN will leave 1/2 hour early every day and I will take over for the next 1.5 hours until Chicken is done with work. Then we are going to add those 1/2 hour 'credits' up and do a date night once a week. That way, we aren't paying extra for a babysitter, I get used to doing this by myself in small chunks, and Chicken and I get to go on a date once a week.

It sounds like a good plan. I like it.

Chicken is also adamant that I get out by myself and do some things. Or just go take a nap. But that I leave the kids for a couple of hours and just chill.

I am going to try hard to do that. When I took a nap the other day, I tossed and turned the entire time because I felt guilty that HN had to handle both of them by herself. That would stress me out and I'm also scared she will quit because lord knows she can find herself a job with easier babies for the summer. I hope she doesn't quit.

This life of mine is so blessed. I have enormous gratitude for all we have. Coming from a very humble background, there's not a day that goes by when I don't think of how lucky I am.

Reading some of your comments made me realize that even more. There are more than a few of you twin moms out there doing this mostly alone and you deserve super woman mom of the year awards. I am in awe of you and how you do it.

I am going to take you up on your offers. I am. And I am going to go see a doctor about PPD. I hope I just need some sleep and some me time. But if I need meds, I will do whatever it takes to feel normal again.

I really hope I don't need meds. I had PTSD after 9/11 (I worked on Wall Street in my former life) and had to go on short term meds. It was horrible. The worst experience of my life. Someday I'll tell you the story of how I detoxed from the meds. It took a week and involved a tent and a nearly deserted Thai island.

I hope it doesn't come to that, because I can't do that kind of stuff anymore.

Going to bed now....sweet dreams to everyone and may we all have babies who don't fuss in the night.

Hard

I feel so alone. I keep searching for a blog that mirrors what I'm going through. A woman who is as sleep deprived as me. Who has what seems to be the world's fussiest baby. Who has twins that won't nap--no matter what technique I try.
Are you out there? Talk to me.

Why is this so hard for me and it seems to be so easy for others?
It's been almost 6 months. I am so exhausted. I cry almost daily.
I want to look at my babies and think lovely thoughts but most of the time I'm thinking "please sleep for mommy".
Because when they nap, they are less fussy and then it's magical.

I'm feeling like I'm reaching a breaking point and I'm scared. Chicken is scared.
Last night they woke up early and I was so frustrated I repeatedly kicked the metal bathroom door while peeing. Barefoot. I don't kick things. Ever.
Then I limped out to the couch and opened up the breastaurant and bawled my head off.

I have spent exactly 10 hours away from my twins in 5.5 months. Yes, I've been counting. The hours are that precious.

Some days, when I run across the street to the drugstore, I'm tempted to just keep walking.

I just want to walk until I find a nice, quiet room and sleep and sleep and sleep.


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Childproofing

Well, I can hardly believe it myself but it's already that time.
Grunter is going to be crawling before we know it. If you put him on his back under the play gym, he flips himself over quickly and "swims". He gets very frustrated that he's not getting anywhere! This cracks me up since less than a month ago he HATED tummy time and then one day...preferred it.
And that's what babies do. They are always changing up their game and keeping you on your toes.

It happened yesterday, that oh shit! moment. I had put him under the play gym which is on top of one of those interlocking foam square play areas. We have a pretty big area (or so I thought) and I often will put them down to play while I do other things--including a quick trip around the corner to the kitchen. I pop my head out often to make sure everything is ok and keep an ear out for trouble.

I heard Grunter give out a cry and figured that Whoop Whoop had probably kicked him.
I had only been in the kitchen long enough to get the bottles out of the fridge and put them in a hot water bath to warm up.
But it was long enough for him not only to flip over but apparently KEEP rolling--something I've never witnessed--and he ended up face down on the hard wood floor!

He was totally fine. I was more upset than he was! But it was that scary moment of realizing how mobile your 'baby' is becoming and all the things you have to do to get ready NOW.

Our entertainment "table" is the biggest hazzard. The TV is too low, all of the equipment is exposed and there are a gazillion cords everywhere. There's no solution to fix it so I'm looking at media cabinets. We have put off buying new furniture for...hmmm...most of the relationship!
The couch and the desk we bought new together about six or seven years ago.
Every other item in the house has either been bought used/second hand stores/goodwill or found on the street or down stairs in our garbage room on a tenant's moving out day.

Having kids has forced us to step it up a notch and buy some new stuff!
So while I hate spending the money, I'm very happy to get rid of the crappy end table that I found in an office bathroom 13 years ago.
And I was delighted to replace the wooden and iron coffee table that had jagged, chipped wood (totally an accident waiting to happen) with a soft sided leather coffee table/ottoman/storage bench. The old one went back to the garbage where we'd found it years earlier.
And the Lazy Boy. Well, that was just a gift from god. Money well spent as I lived in it my entire 3rd trimester.

Bit by bit, we are getting it together and adjusting to this new stage of parenthood and kids.

What did you do to baby proof or rather what did you find out you should have done? Do I really need to bolt the bookcase to the wall (I'm leaning to yes...)?
Any other tips??




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How Do You Escape?

Yesterday was a particularly hard day in Pufferville. I try not to blog on days like that because the thoughts I have aren't pretty. In fact, I started to blog yesterday and I'm going to delete it.

The thoughts I have change radically from day to day, hour to hour.

Right now, it's all about naps.

Sleep. Lack of. For me. For the babies. Yuck.

However! Sleep training at night time is going very, very, very well. No complaints there and it worked FAST. (Yes, yes, I know I keep promising I'm going to write a detailed post about it and I am, I swear).

So after we got the kids to sleep--6:20! No crying!--I really needed to decompress and I discovered something about myself. When I am really needing to 'escape' I do the same type of thing: I order Asian food (Vietnamese or Thai) and look at things on the internet that have to do with South East Asia. It is my ultimate escape. I love dreaming about the next vacation or perhaps living abroad for awhile.

For instance, last night I looked at a website of villas to rent on the island of Phuket. There are some sweet deals out there! Look at this one. That's only $112/night per couple with a FT chef and housekeeper! With FREE child and toddler friendly removable stair gates, kid's toys, CD's and DVD's, child's bikes, high chairs, cribs and car booster seats!!

It was enough to make me want to start emailing my friends asking who wants to go in on a vacation villa in Thailand, but Chicken stopped me (Next in Line?)

Other times, I look at blogs of people traveling in SEA or I'll just search for photos.

What do you do to escape? How do you decompress and day dream?