Thursday, October 30, 2008

I'm Special

Me and H.P. had a nice long talk last night. That would be my higher power. I confessed that this was now getting a little harder and to send me a sign, any sign of what was going on.
When we finished talking, I got up to go to the bathroom and had started bleeding. Right through the progesterone.
So, the sign was to go ahead and sleep in rather than get my ass up too damn early on a cold morning and take a blood test at the big fancy clinic? I slept in.
This morning I had to go to the drugstore anyway, so I went ahead and picked up an HPT, just to waste money.

The RE and I have had our little BFN talk and this is the part where I'm special: I'm going back to Clomid. Yes, it seems I'm the only woman to ever try IVF and go back to Clomid (ok, maybe not the only one, but you find me another one. My acupuncturist has never heard of such a thing either). I'm telling you, I was the Clomid poster child and it got me pregnant once. Remember when I told you I was having a massage in Bali and I heard a voice telling me to do another round of Clomid? Yeah. Listen to your inner voice kids, even the crazy voices usually have a message.

I don't know about you but dancing with wild abandon in my living room always makes me feel better no matter what. That, and cooking. So, I've made a delicious soup and in between stirring, danced like my life depended on it--hair flinging all around and I think at one point some spit even flew out of my mouth.
I leave you with the video for L.e Ti.gre so you can see if it works for you and the soup recipe which is perfect for these cool days.

Parsley Potato Soup

Delicious, nutritious, and freezes well.
4 cups potatoes, peeled and cubed
4 slices bacon
1 large onion, chopped
½ cup chopped celery
¼ cup fresh chopped parsley or 1/3 cup dry parsley
4 cups chicken stock
2 cups milk or half and half
3 tablespoons cornstarch
Salt and pepper to taste
½ teaspoon nutmeg
Fresh parsley for garnish

Pour chicken stock into saucepan and heat on medium. Meanwhile fry bacon until crisp. Remove from pan and crumble into warmed stock. Saute onion and celery in the bacon fat until golden then add to saucepan along with potatoes and parsley. Bring to a boil and cover and simmer until tender. Stir in the milk and continue cooking until hot but do not allow it to boil. Mix cornstarch in a small cup with 2 tablespoons of water. Add this to the soup continuing to cook and stir until thickened. Add the nutmeg and add salt and pepper to taste. Enjoy!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Dexter Thinks I'm Pregnant and Other News

Me and Dexter, we had a lot to say.  Dexter is from Trinidad and I'm from the Midwest and we talked about politics and the election and the shitty state of the world and that turned into ways to save money in this current economic crisis and then...we were talking about alcohol.
And how expensive it is.  And how I don't drink anymore so I save a lot of money on alcohol.

"Really, you don't drink at all?  Not even wine? Why not?"
"Health reasons."
"Oh yeah, you are a super healthy kind of girl?"
"Well, yes, but...."
And then I thought, what the hell?  Maybe it was from being in the house for almost 48 hours, but I told Dexter I was trying to get pregnant.  And he said, without blinking:
"Oh yeah?  The old-fashioned way or artificial insemination?"  (We aren't rainbow flag type of girls, but I guess he saw the wedding photos....)
Me, totally Blinking, "Um, artificial insemination."
"Oh yeah, that's good!  My wife and I did that.  How's that going for you?"
"Well, not too good, I'm not pregnant yet."

This turned into a conversation where Dexter told me without hesitation how he and his wife tried to have a baby for 3 years, she had 2 miscarriages and finally they went to "that Jewish hospital by Union Square" where they took his sperm, spun it in tube, put it on his wife's eggs and then put everything back in her body.
"Your wife did IVF?"
"I don't remember what you call it, but yes, I think that's it.  And now our daughter is one month old today!  Anyway, I think you are pregnant.  I hope you are.  It's great you are doing this.  I can tell from talking to you that you are going to be a very good mother, very responsible and aware kind of mother. Good luck to you."

Wow.  You just never know where you're going to get support.  The most unlikely places seem to creep up just when you need them.

PS-I got the TV just in time to see the 30 minute Obama special.  He is so powerful.  Did anyone else bawl their heads off or was that just me?
I also cried at a commercial for a Bora Bora hotel chain.
TV is so beautiful.  I'm ready for winter now.

PSS--I finally made it out of the house to get milk.  The deli guy was having a crappy night and yelling at someone on the phone, so when he handed me my change, I said thank you in Arabic and the biggest smile broke out on his face.  Then I almost cried.

It's Just Me, Dexter and Cats

Feeling better today after sleeping for a full 10 hours.  That was nice.  My fever is gone, my back is not hurting anymore, my ears finally popped--oh the sweet relief-- and my throat is feeling somewhat back to normal...with the help of loads of lemon/honey tea.
I don't have much of an appetite and really need to eat something proper soon.

Since we got back from Indonesia and found a giant box containing brand new TV in our house--we haven't been able to do much with it except discover that Net.Fli.x ROCKS (I have over 100 movies in the queue and I just joined) and it's much easier to do Yoga on a 40 flat screen than a ma.c book screen!

I could really care less about TV.  Movies are fine with me and Net Fli.x could keep me busy every night.  But K wants channels!  shows!  sports!  (Even though I reminded her she lives here about 48 hours a week and doesn't have a whole lot of time to watch anything...but...) So, we are of this moment, courtesy of Dexter, being set up with Fi.os, which I guess is like the new cable.  Don't ask me.  Our building just got wired for it (not available everywhere) and it was a great deal.

But don't you just love when you order something and not only is there a 4 week period between ordering a service and getting said service, but then they tell you someone will be there between 8am-5pm??
Really?  You can't be more specific than that?!  Dexter showed up around 11am and he's a perfectly nice guy, but no one told me that I needed to have my entire walk in closet completely emptied out or that I'd be spending the next 6-8 HOURS with Dexter?!?!  I did NOT want to be cleaning out a closet today, no. no. no.

The bright side is that I get to speak out loud to a real, live human being; there are no longer any dust bunnies in my closet and tonight I can join the masses of American TV zombies.
Good times.

Oh and tomorrow I guess I'll test.  Why not?  I have to leave the house sooner or later...

Tuesday, October 28, 2008


The problem with being pregnant before is that you know what it feels like to be pregnant. Although we've all been told every pregnancy is different--it's hard not to compare.  That's exactly what I've been doing--comparing.
I'm either at 13/14 DPO depending on who is counting.  I thought about testing today but I'm sick at home.
I woke up yesterday with a scratchy, itchy sore throat and found myself sucking on Vitamin C drops all day.  Later that afternoon I developed a headache...the headache that usually comes before AF... except then I realized I also got a headache before I found out I was pregnant.  So, headaches and sore bb's are completely useless indicators of if one is pregnant or about to bleed.
I went to acupuncture last night thinking it would probably help my headache at least and not only was it the worst session I think I've ever had, my head was pounding when I left.
Canceling the plans I'd had to go see a friend, I went home and stood in the kitchen at 7:30 totally convinced I might die.
Breaking down I finally took Tylenol and thank G*d starting feeling some sort of relief.  I even managed to eat dinner and drink some lemon tea before collapsing into bed.

This morning I could care less to test--it's the last thing I'm thinking about.
I've been laying in my bed with the cats most of the day with a heating pad on my back because it feels like it's breaking.
My ears hurt, my head is stuffy, my throat is dry, I have a fever and I need a massage.
This is when it sure would be nice if the other puffer came home at night.  I miss her.
Thank G*d I live in NYC where you can get delivery for anything and never leave the house.
Now where can I get a massage lady to come over who is not going to try to give me a h.appy ending...

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

A Fortune Teller Told Me (This is long, she told me a lot)

A few weeks ago Queerstork was in NYC and went to a physic who sounded...legit. I was so intrigued I got the information from her and went to see her myself.
Let me say this:  She's good.

I walked up a dingy staircase in Brooklyn, was greeted by a 7 year old and the smell of stale smoke.  "Susan" , the mother, introduced herself, brought me into her reading room, a beautiful cat jumped up on my lap and I forgot about the Marlboro Red's.
I did a 1/2 deck of tarot cards, cut the deck myself.  She asked my name, nothing else, and asked how long it had been since I'd had a reading.  I told her a very long time (15 years, but didn't say this).

She nailed just about everything (I took notes):

  • I'll live to 85-86 years (We have good long-life genes on my dad's side and I am super healthy, so I think this is plausible.  Need to save more money for retirement)
  • I've never had any sickness or health issues (very true)
  • I currently have pain in my back and stomach--probably from stress (true-I've had so much lower back pain lately, I often lie in bed with a heating pad at night before falling asleep.  My stomach has been experiencing some weird cramps that I am hoping are due to Blast)
  • The past 3 months have been really hard for me (do ya think?  Miscarriage, IVF cycle cancelled...yeah.  On the other hand, I got married again and had an amazing vacation...)
  • August in particular was a very bad month for you (I think I started to sweat when she said this)
  • No one has been there for you and you've learned this the hard way (My entire life, yes.  In fact my therapist was just discussing this last night)
  • August you were depressed (no, then yes, then no, then yes again)
  • You have a strong personality (reallllly???) strong opinions (mmm hmmm) 
  • Lawyer--why am I not a lawyer? (so many ppl have told me I would've been a great lawyer)
  • You have a strong tongue.  When people ask you for advice they really mean it because they know you will tell them (For better or worse.  Don't ask me if your ass looks fat in those jeans if you really don't want to know.  My friends always say they come to me when they really want to know the truth)
  • I've been worried about money, but I need to give myself a break because I am financially OK (yes, well, except the possibility of multiple IVF's or that we just nationalized our banks and could be facing a depression, I don't think I've been that worried--but she's right, we are totally OK)
  • In about 3 weeks I should have some relief about thinking about money (right about the time our bonus checks are supposed to be handed out...)
  • I am not a miserable person nor a bitter person (yeehaw!)
  • There is travel in my future (isn't there always?), but she sees it in late December (well, I hardly call going to the Catskills for Xmas 'travel', but I think this one is easy to 'predict' as a lot of people do travel at this time.  K--do you have a surprise vacation planned for me?  Somewhere WARM maybe?  I hate winter.)
  • I have a lot of good opportunities coming up work-wise in the next 4 months.  Lots of responsibilities and challenges (OK, cuz right now my work is just fine, but it's a stretch to call it good or challenging.  On the other hard, I was just looking at job listings yesterday...for the first time in a year)
  • I've haven't been getting enough sleep and am feeling tired (true)
  • Even on the nights that I get 8 hours I am feeling exhausted (true)
  • When my body sleeps, my mind wanders excessively and keeps me distracted (um, yeah, have you read about some of my crazy dreams?)
  • I need to take warm baths and relax, try not to let the stress get to me (I love baths!)
  • Usually I am a very social person, but lately I've found myself alone alot and I don't like it (true.  K, please come home soon.)
  • Someone named Debbie is very close to me, hovering around me all the time, her energy in the room now (my cousin Debra died of breast cancer at 34 and I had a breast exam 2 weeks ago.  She has been on my mind on and off, but I don't think about her that much.  Very weird.  I don't know any other Debbie's....)
  • My mother's health is fine (true)
  • I'm a hardworking girl but I need to take it easier on myself (I have crazy high expectations, true)
  • She came back to finances again saying they looked very good for the future, I would always be taken care of (wow, that's quite a change from my past--good to know)
  • I would be moving in 3 years and would be buying a place  (quite possible)
  • November my energy wheel is turning in a great direction (why not?)
  • Tuesdays are the best days for me to make decisions (I do go to therapy on Tuesdays....)
  • 996 is my lucky number 
  • There's a court date in my future but everything will turn out just fine (adoption???)
  • There was a man in my life long ago.  I was in love with him and there was a lot of drama regarding this relationship (yes, yes and yes.  I broke up our engagement b/c I was in love with a woman)
  • She 'sees' 2 kids in my future--2 boys.  No girls.  (Note:  she did not say I would be pregnant, she said she saw children in my future)
  • My appetite has not been as usual and I need to make sure I am eating more (all true)
  • I have very high intuition and some psychic abilities (agreed)

Here's where she missed the mark:

  • I was supposed to get pregnant at age 23.  Is it possible I could've had a miscarriage? (I don't think I had sex with men that no)
  • I was supposed to meet a man this year...dark hair, light eyes, works in real estate (I don't think so...)

She never picked up on the lesbian thing (granted my lesbian 'thing' registers a zero to just about everyone, including lesbians) nor the fact that there was a strong possibility I was already married as I was wearing a wedding ring.

She asked how long ago I had broken off the relationship with the man and I told her almost 20 years ago to which she said "Oh my, I thought you were about 25! Wow!  Whatever you are doing, keep it up."  So, of course, I love her--cigarettes and all.

I then told her that I was a lesbian, had a miscarriage in August and was TTC.  I asked her about getting pregnant.
She assured me she see two kids.  I said, "but maybe not mine, maybe my partners"?  She said, "I see two children, think positive.  You'll have more answers in the next 3 months."

Hmmm....for $20, it was worth it.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Dear Blast

Oh Little Blastocyst,

You have been tumbling around my uterus for about 7 days now, dividing and becoming more beautiful.  I think I feel you.
If you want to burrow so deeply that it causes me to see a little blood, I won't mind.  I would gladly put on a pantyliner for you, Blast.
I'll do anything you want.  I'm all yours.

The Mommy

Monday, October 20, 2008

Tips for Thinking Positive

Because it was requested, here is a sample of what helps me:

"The only way to attract what you desire in life is to allow yourself to understand what it would feel like to have what you want. Allow yourself to believe that you will have it, that you deserve it. Remember, whatever you focus on will manifest into your conscious.

The secret of attracting abundance and prosperity in your life is simple. Do not focus on what you don't have. Focus on what you want.

Refuse all negative thoughts. When a negative thought comes into your life. Tell yourself with strength: Stop! Immediately, turn that thought into positive ones. (Goodness, beauty, love, gratitude, happiness).

Affirmations should always be said with confidence, determination and as if they have already happened. Try writing your "intentions", (i.e. affirmations) down on note cards. Place them in convenient locations where you can see them throughout the day. Saying them out loud in front of a mirror supposedly super charges the affirmation.

Affirmations can change a person's perceptions of themselves. They can, ultimately, modify the way the subconscious works. Therefore, it is imperative to be "conscious of your thoughts" at all times. Because, your thoughts will and do become your reality."

Affirmation examples:

  • There is nothing in the world that I cannot handle.
  • All things come to me for a purpose.
  • My body is a magnet.
  • Only goodness is attracted to me.
  • I am warm, soft and fertile.
  • I am loving and kind.
  • My body is in perfect balance.
  • I am in perfect health.
  • I am calm.
  • Right here, right now is exactly as it is meant to be.
  • There is nothing in the world that I cannot do.
  • I deserve everything that I need.

Sunday, October 19, 2008


The progesterone has me dreaming VIVIDLY.  The first couple of nights the dreams were not pleasant at all and K got kicked for them.  Last night they were just plentiful and far out...I'd like to write them all down, but I only remember the bad ones, not the plain crazy ones.

It's been a great week.  Because my egg retrieval was planned for the latter part of the week, K had scheduled a flight back on Tuesday night to make sure not to miss it.  After the IVF cycle was cancelled she came home anyway which has been great.  She's a total workaholic so we haven't gotten to spend much time together during the week, but she's managed to make it out to dinner with me and friends every night she's been home.  It's been really nice and I would love it if her next project was local.  But it looks like it might be in Jamaica....which would be OK too, if I can visit for free!

Back in August during the brief days I allowed myself to believe I was pregnant, I went shopping.  One of those items, my prenatal Vinyasa Yoga DVD, came after the m/c.  But, I was too curious not to try it.  I must say--I wish I'd had this all along the TTC journey.  It is an awesome workout and one I could've been doing every TWW b/c if it's safe enough for pregnant women, then it's safe for the TWW, right?
I love it and have really enjoyed doing yoga this week.  If anyone is looking for a prenatal yoga DVD, I highly recommend buying this.

I didn't eat the pineapple.  I've read it helps implantation, I've read it hurts implantation.  I don't know what to believe.  
What I have done is walk, yoga, pray, eat healthy-mostly organic-warm foods, acupuncture, meditation and imagery exercises.

I've been reading a lot this week about causes of infertility and/or reproductive difficulties.
It's no big surprise that chemicals in our lives are the culprits behind most everything.
I was pretty horrified when I researched all of my body products and saw how toxic they are.
This is a next step for me:  throw away all mainstream brands and incorporate the 'safe' ones.  I have many of these already--but I have many more that aren't.
Check out these websites here and here if you want to know more, it's an eye-opener.

Coffee was also high on the list of no, no's not just during the TWW, but always as the caffeine (and other toxins) can affect your ovaries for up to 3 months.  Same with alcohol.
While I generally believe in 'everything in moderation', at this point--I'm getting extreme.
I cut out all decaf coffee when I learned it can have up to 18% caffeine in it.
Alcohol is no hard for me to cut out entirely, as I usually only have 1-2 drinks/month anyway.
Soda has been out for over a year--but was reinforced when I read that when diet soda containing aspartame gets too warm (ie:  on the delivery truck before it reaches the store and cooler), the aspartame turns into formaldehyde! Talk about toxic.
Mostly, I am trying my hardest to be mindful of all toxic things in my life, both chemical and my own thoughts.

I look at my donor's baby photo almost daily-OMG, he was the cutest baby ever-and imagine a baby of my own.
I believe I am going to get pregnant again and it's going to stick.  It could be this month, why not?  I refuse to believe anything less.  All negative thoughts are banned.
Only thinking positive.  Only believing it's going to happen.

It's been a great week.  I feel wonderful and powerful and positive.
And I just made fertility soup.  Yum.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008


Do you think I might be just a teeny weeny bit hormonal if I'm crying while watching Ma.donna videos?
Yes, I'm at work know...working.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

The Hardest One

I didn't know I was going to cry, but there I was, laying down, legs propped up, 17 million more sperm doing their thing in my uterus and my ears are filling up with salty tears.
They just kept coming.
I don't know who is in charge of this baby business but I'm really ready for my baby now.
Thank You.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Here We Go Again

Of course the Sunday night that I need a trigger shot would be the only Sunday EVER that K has to fly out Sunday afternoon for a 7am Monday meeting in Kansashitty.  Who has 7am meetings?

I hate having to ask my friends to stab me in the ass at 10pm on a Sunday night, but the Fabulous Ms. C graciously stepped up to the task and I went to her place last night with needle loaded.
Let me just say--she ROCKS!  That girl took one minute to look at the video, led me to the bathroom and I was in and out of her apartment in 5 minutes.  AWESOME.  C?  You can come near my ass with a needle anytime (let's keep it to once a month, shall we?).
Actually, let's never do that again because I'm getting pregnant and we won't need to.  Yeah.

The arrival of the new donor "Iron Man" was cause for a fair amount of stress as I didn't know what time he would arrive and if the lab would have ample time to prepare before my 3pm IUI.
It only got worse this morning when the lab called at 8am asking for the tracking number...and I realized I never got one!  Of course, CCB is on PST and I had to wait for 3 hours to find out what was going on, but I was so scared they forgot to ship him out.
I had the day off (thanks Columbus!) so I kept myself busy with doing laundry and making some super yummy 'fertility/pregnancy muffins'.  I was so relieved when the phone rang at 10:30am with a message that Iron Man had arrived and we were on for the IUI!  Whew!

Because this was the magic timing that worked for my BFP, I'm not changing a thing and the nurses have been great to work with me.  Iron Man's counts were a great improvement over the previous donor and I've got 16.6 million sperm just waiting for the egg drop.  I also found out that my estrogen doubled and the numbers there look much better which made me very relieved.

I've been praying more these days--to what, to whom--I don't really know?  I don't follow a religion, but I identify with spirituality and I believe that prayer can work.  At least the power of positive thinking is better for the mind.  So, from now on I am trying to only think positive thoughts--I CAN get pregnant, I am GOING to get pregnant, I WILL have a healthy baby.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

I Love My Friends

In spite of the cancelled IVF cycle, we gathered ourselves up and continued on with our Saturday night plans.
We have a couple of friends here in the city who own galleries and they were both having parties so we did a little hopping.
Being around friends I hadn't seen in a while and talking about anything other than TTC was refreshing and lovely!

Even though we had to leave relatively early (midnight) in order to get up for the RE Sunday morning, we had a great night out!

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Verdict is IN

It's an IUI.
IVF has officially been cancelled.
Turns out I just don't respond well to Follistim.  It's not something they see much of, but they do see it.
There are still 4 follicles--but get this:  They think only TWO of them might actually make it!
Two!  When I made FOUR with Clomid!
It doesn't make sense.  But it is what it is and all you need is one, right?

I'm super happy that we have a new baby daddy just waiting to enter my uterus.  C'mon Baby Daddy!  Knock Me Up!
And now that I've had some time to think about it, I'm excited about another IUI.  This is what I thought I would do when I had that 'very clear moment' in maybe that was the universe sending me a message and since I didn't listen, the universe decided to yell.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Where Have You Been All My Life?

I found him.  It took 4 hours and a few more thousand dollars but we have a new baby daddy.
And we LOVE him.  Thank god K has relaxed about ethnic requirements because let me tell you he never would've been considered last winter!
Ah....feeling so much better now (see I'm not cursing?!)...

He arrives Monday so I hope my follicles hold off until then to do whatever it is they're doing.
Tomorrow we have another blood and U/S and I think we'll have a pretty good idea which way we're going to go.
I totally have my head wrapped around an IUI and we're completely OK with that--even looking forward to it.
I got pregnant with an IUI--I can do this again!

Thanks for all of your encouraging comments.  I really needed them after a rough day like that.
My RE wasn't trying to push K's eggs on me at all.  In fact he had forgotten that was an option--I'm the one who brought it up.  He was leaning towards a different drug protocol for me for 'next time'.
The problem is that I have "X" amount left in my insurance coverage and if I want enough leftover to do the FET with K's eggs, I can't do two rounds of IVF + FET.
So...that's where we are with that.

Also someone suggested trying Gonal F.  Same drug!  Who knew? Only the name is different.  I know because a friend offered me some of her leftover Gonal F and my RE said I could use that along with the Follistim--interchangeable even in the same cycle!  I guess it's like Motrin and Advil, same same but different.

As far as a second opinion goes:  I'm at one of the top 4 Fertility Centers in the USA.  This is the clinic I have to go to for my insurance to cover it.  What I can do is talk to the RE on call tomorrow morning and ask his opinion.  That's how I ended up doing Clomid, so I will definitely be talking to someone else.  I really like my RE, but it's always great to get that second opinion.

OK, it's a beautiful night out and we're going out for a walk and look for a place to eat outdoors.
Hope everyone is having a great Friday night!

The Break Up

Dear Anonymous Sperm Donor,

We’re over. I’ve had enough. I stayed with you for the money—all those services paid in advance. But now all bets are off.
There’s too much riding on this decision and I’ve decided I need a new boyfriend.

It’s true, I thought you and I might work this out. But then I found out about that other girl—you know, the one you knocked up last May? Yeah, her outcome ended up the same as mine. And now neither of us are pregnant. And well…I’m thinking it might be you.
So this is it. I’m taking your empty vials out of my spirit house.

PS - I never really loved you. Did you know that?

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Wrong. M*therF*cker

I just talked to my RE, Dr. VID (not the Dr. who scanned me this morning).
This was not the good conversation I wanted, but it was the one I feared after finding out I only had 4 follicles this morning. They are NOT all the same size. They range from 6-12, so that is super sucky indeed as they should all be trucking along at the same rate.
Fuck me.
Turns out I'm a pretty poor responder to Follistim--even though I'm injecting the MAXIMUM amount.
I had an excellent response to Clomid and produced the same amount of follicles.
(is this the part where I'm supposed to remember that while I was in Bali I thought I should do another round of Clomid?)

I'm so tense right now and I sort of want to cry, but mostly I just feel deflated.
This may not be an IVF cycle. If he doesn't see much improvement in the next couple of days--we'll call it an IUI cycle.
I guess that's good news--it's not all lost.

We've only got one vial of sperm on ice at the RE's--I knew I should've ordered two. Now, I think I probably should another one just to be covered in case it's converted to an IUI cycle and we want to do 2 inseminations.

I haven't done shit at work today b/c I've been all over the internet looking at where other 39-year-old's are at this stage of the game--none of it has made me feel any better b/c everyone else seems to respond just wonderfully to Follistim. A wonder drug it is! Hahaha!

Dr. VID said I could try another IVF cycle if this one doesn't work, but agreed we'd be better off using K's eggs. Hers give me a 66% chance of success.

Jesus Fucking Christ. Seriously? Seriously?! This is what we were considering last January when this all began and now it's been 10 months and we're back to where we started.
Fuck Fuck Fuck.

OK, I'm done cursing now. Until the next post. Fuck.

IVF, Day 6

I made a mistake looking at my IVF calendar and I didn't have an ultrasound scheduled for yesterday, only a blood test for E2.
Today, I had both blood and U/S.

Here's where I am in Pufferfish IVF land:

Day 1- 450 mg Follistim (pm)
E2=37 no cysts found
Day 2- 225 Follistim (am), 225 Follistim (pm)
Day 3- 225 Follistim (am), 225 Follistim (pm)
Day 4- 225 Follstim (am), 225 Follistim (pm)
Day 5- 450 Follistim (pm)
E2=143 (over 100 at this point is good)
Day 6- 450 Follistim (pm)
E2= 184 (slow rise, but they don't seem concerned because it's rising...)
Lining=6 (anything 6 or above is right on target for this point)
Follicles= 2 on each side, all measuring about 8-9

That's a F*ckload of Follistim isn't it? That's what happens when you're 39! I really would've liked to have seen more follicles this morning, I admit I was a little sad only seeing 4.
But, it's still early. I've got a week left to keep up the stims and see what happens.
Next blood and ultrasound will be Saturday morning.

As far as my question per "exercise and your IVF cycle"? Well, I did some of my own research and everything says to take it easy, walking is good, etc.
I've been walking as normal--although a bit slower. The past two mornings I've decided to really take it easy by riding the bus up to the clinic.

This morning as I was walking from the clinic to my office, I noticed for the first time that I'm getting a little bloated. As in, it's not quite uncomfortable to walk, but it doesn't feel normal.
I sit here with skinny jeans unbuttoned wondering what the hell I will be wearing next week?
I'm not going to worry about it too much. In fact, if my pants don't fit for...oh, I don't know 9+ months...I'd be OK with that.
For the most part, I'm just chillin' and relaxing. I go home and cook, read, meditate, pray, snuggle with the cats and go to bed. It's not too exciting and I like it.

It's kind of hard to believe I could be doing egg retrieval in a week.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

I Can't Believe She's 50

Mado.nna. Oh, how I love you.

K, myself and a few friends went to the concert Monday night and she blew me away with yet another incredible performance for "Hard C.andy".
It's hard to believe that she's been around 3 decades and is 50 years old. You'd never know it from where I was dancing.

I still remember hearing my first Ma.donna song. I was a freshman in high school and it was outside the home ec classroom in the hallway after school. Someone was playing music in that room and "Luck.y Star" stopped me dead in my tracks as I thought "what is THAT?!"
Instantly smitten for life.

In 1990, I had the good fortune to know someone with mad concert connections who got me front row seats to both of the shows for the "Blond A.mbition" tour.
Now, nothing is ever going to compare to that show because (a) it was front row for both concerts and I'm pretty sure Madonna sweat on me (b) it was the height of everyone 'Vogueing' on the dance floor every single night (c) I worked (illegally as I was underage) in the city's most popular gay bar and I was ON the dance floor every damn night grooving to the music hey hey hey! (d) ecs.tacy was pure.
Need I say more? They were good times.

Fast forward to 18 years and here I am again--in awe of M (and her body).
I think I'll go look for the DVD of "Blond Ambition" and order it. I need something to look forward to after egg retrieval!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Per.formance Anxiety

Giv.e it to me hard and fast and DO NOT pull out until I say so!

She pulled out. I didn't say so. Maybe my hand got in the way when I looked down, who knows.
But as a result I got stabbed twice. Poor thing, she had per.formance anxiety.
This morning, my love is on a jet plane and I'm back to injecting myself. I think I like it better this way (no offense baby) but at least I know I'm not going to pull out.
It's just that she hates to hurt me...she really, really, hates those needles. And I hate being poked more than necessary. So there you have it.

Tomorrow I go in for blood work and my first ultrasound to see how jacked up my follicles are. I can't wait!!!

Monday, October 6, 2008

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Baby Stab Me One More Time

Bright and early to the RE's on a brilliant Fall morning! My FSH is 7.4 and E2 is 37, antral follicles show about 3 on each side, so 6 total. Not spectacular, but for my 'advanced age' but I'll take it!
We headed to Grand Central after that to catch the train upstate, cooler with meds in hand along with a yummy apple bread pudding I made to celebrate K's belated 31st birthday.
Her mom, step dad and cousin picked us up and we spent the rest of the day in the Mohonk Preserve on a 6 mile hike. The weather was perfect, the leaves just starting to change and it was wonderful to out in the fresh air surrounded by family who love and support us.

I know that for the majority of this month, I'm going to have to 'take it easy' but I'm not really sure what that means for these days before retrieval. Over the last month, I've really loved having the freedom to workout and do whatever I want and not worry about 'harming' anything. As a result, I've lost the few stubborn TTC pounds I'd gained over the summer and am glad that I'm starting the IVF cycle at my real weight.
I feel very empowered and satisfied to have my 'body' as I know it back to me.

So, I'm a little nervous about 'taking it easy'. I'd like to hear from others who have gone down this path and what you limited your activites to both pre-retrievel and post tranfer. I've basically been told 'walking is OK'. Hmm...I already walk to work every day making for an hour total. Is that much walking OK? No one seems to know...I guess there are no true answers.

The first injection was a bit excruiating in that we were trying to watch the video online and the internet up here in the boonies is so freaking slow that the video that should've taken about 5 minutes ended up taking 30. I just wanted to get it over with! After a 2 false stabs, I finally did it. It doesn't hurt--it's just that willingly getting your hand to do something painful to your stomach is hard!
K took a stab at it this morning and I like that much better. So, I think I'll have her do it when she's home and I'll do it when she's gone M-TH. Overall though, so far, so good. Super easy that Follisti.m pen.

Thanks so much for all of your kind words and encouraging words of hope, they really mean a lot to me!

Friday, October 3, 2008

Meet My New Best Friend

The Follisti.m pen.
That’s right, I’m starting IVF.
Less than 24 hours after I came back from
Bali, I found myself sitting in an IVF orientation class.
When I found out about the miscarriage in August, I called to get on their schedule as I really didn’t want to waste any more time.
My RE assured me that with my early miscarriage I’m 100% good to go as long as I’m mentally and emotionally ready to go.

I’ve never felt so ready.

There was a moment in
Bali when I was having a massage and I thought, “but I got pregnant last month with just a little help from Clomid, I can do that again.”
Why not a few more IUI’s?
So I walked into the IVF orientation thinking “I’m just here to get some information”.
Then I opened up my folder and saw my RE had already written out all of my RX’s, they handed me a free Follisti.m pen (no meds inside), and away we went.
When I got to the stats page…well, my mind was already made up.
I was here for the long haul now. IVF take me away.

The Iffy News:
Maybe I could get pregnant again through IUI.
Maybe. But I’m no spring chicken (remember, I’m 39) and those stats are dismal. I’m incredibly lucky it worked even once. I’m wasting my time and insurance money to expect it to work again. I’d like to think I’ve paid my dues in miscarriage land, but those stats are dismal too. I’d love to see that I have at least a 50% chance at having a real, live baby with IVF—but I only have a 33% chance of doing that (and that's transferring back 2-3 good blastocysts).

The Good News:
33% sure as hell beats the IUI/Clomid stats of 5-10%.
We have enough insurance left to cover two full IVF cycles (without meds).
My RE says that I’m a perfect candidate for this to work.

The Best News:
This week has been spent running around
New York City with a soft sided cooler and an ice pack doing d.rug deals.
Some really wonderful people have stepped forward to donate their leftover medications to me for this first cycle.
I’ve received meds that aren't covered by my insurance co-payment--for free.
This has been a huge stress relief as the meds are almost as much as the cycle itself.
I am still overwhelmed at the kindness and generosity of these friends—two of the couples I met online (not in blogland) and have only met in person a handful of times.

It really does take a village to make a baby!

The Guilty News:
I think I’ve been holding this news back because I feel guilty.
What I mean is: this is an easy decision for me because I have the insurance money to pay for it.
I’m well aware that most of you out there don’t have this luxury and it’s so unfair.
Please don’t hate me for it.

Why Am I Finally Telling You This?
Because I just started my period.

IVF starts tomorrow.
I’m on a ‘no Lupron’ cycle which means I start stimming tomorrow, I’ll do retrieval in two weeks.
By Halloween we’ll know if I’m pregnant or not.
Damn that’s FAST.
I am so, so,
so excited to finally be doing this.