Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Still Alive in Thailand

Hi Everyone,

I just wanted you to know that I am alive and well. My period came at the best time--on the flight to Qatar. Ha. At least it's back on the regular cycle. We'll see what next month brings.
I had the opportunity yesterday to meet a wonderful Dutch couple--they are both almost 70 and fascinating--we were talking about everything and me trying to get pregnant just came out...
They confided to me their daughter has done IVF and wanted to hear all about my process.
It was a great exchange and I really just wanted to give them a big hug. When we departed at the bus station I almost cried.
The days are going quickly. I will soon head to the silent meditation retreat.
There are a lot of things going through my head and I really feel like I'm not going to make this baby. But I think I can have K's baby.
It's a hard decision to come to, but one I'm getting better at accepting.

I am thinking of you all. I skimmed through my reader quickly and was happy to finally see some good news out there.
Wishing you all well.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Travel Link Posted Again

The first link was broken.

The Goddess is Smiling Even Tho AF is Nowhere to be Found.

Hello again.  We have been extremely busy here in Pufferland.  Much busier than when I actually had a job.  Anyway....
Where to start?  Well, life is good.  No, scratch that, life is Great.  K calmed down a lot about the job situation and everyone knows the Puffer is very resourceful and now no one in the family is worried.  It's nice when people have faith in you and put the spreadsheets away.

I feel like I'm at a big crossroad.  Which way to turn?  I need some insight and clarity.  I get away.
Oh yes, you saw that coming, didn't you?  Well, I am on a break and AF is late and this cycle was a bust anyway.
I've got no TTC plans coming up, I've got no job to go to and K is working on a project from the timing is great.
K has known from the very beginning that I get itchy; I have a gypsy soul.

I thought I would head to India and go to an ashram for the next month.  But that didn't pan out in the end and all signs kept pointing me back to the place I love the most.  So, I'm going back to Thailand.  I found a 1o-day Buddhist meditation retreat.
I think it's going to be the hardest thing I've ever done.  Silent for 10 days.  That's a lot of meditation.  But I'm really looking forward to it.  The rest of the time I'll spend in the jungle and on the beaches, my two favorite places.

K is an absolute doll and is very supportive of my trip. She thinks it's great I like to do all of these crazy things by myself.  I couldn't ask for a better partner in life.  She really gets me.

But you didn't come here to read about my travels.  You came here to read about my journey TTC.  I don't know where that journey is going to take me.  It's looking more and more like my eggs are fried.  Since we have the option of K as my egg donor, I really feel that's the way we'll go.  
The thyroid meds are working their wonders!  I feel great!  I didn't feel bad before, but WOW, I feel so much better.  It's really incredible.  So, I feel good about the future.  It will all work out.  It's out of my hands.

If you do want to read about my travels, I'll be posting on a separate travel blog.  
Here is the link:

I'll be following all of you from the road when I can...and wishing everyone BFP's.  Be back in the Springtime...

xoxo Puff 

Tuesday, February 10, 2009


Yesterday, I came home to K who had pretty much all but created a powerpoint and excel spreadsheet to 'see where we are' and 'what needs to happen now' and of course inquired whether I had 'formulated a strategy for the job search'.  She wanted to make sure I would do more cleaning and cooking now that I'm home and had already started making a list of "Times are Tough" dinner menus.  Whoa Nelly.  Can't a girl just sit on the couch for awhile and process things?  I mean, it had only been 2 hours!
K is a consultant, this is what she does.  I just laughed at her and told her to chill out.
She's freaking out big time, but I'm fine.  Really.

I've rarely mentioned my job on this blog, but I didn't like it, I was under-utilized and I was glad to go.  I really do believe this was a (insert cliche) blessing in disguise.
The first 3 things I thought when I was called up to 'the office':
  1. Yeah!  I don't have to move to that crappy cubicle! (the move was scheduled for this Friday)
  2. Yeah!  I don't have to go to the all-day team meeting Wednesday where I have to pretend to be excited about data!
  3. Damn.  No more free office supplies.
This has been a job that I kept because I knew I was trying to get pregnant and it worked well with my schedule.  The hours were flexible, no one cared if I came in late...or not at all.  I've had 5 managers in 2.5 years and our team has had road blocks at every turn trying to get projects greenlighted.  I was the only remaining team member left.  Everyone else had either quit or been laid off.  
To say I was often not busy is an understatement.  Last summer my 2 other co-workers and I unofficially decided we would work part time...and no one noticed....
So seriously, don't feel sorry for me.
I have been wanting to quit for a long time but kept thinking "but surely I'll get pregnant soon..."  Eh.  Not so sure anymore.
The universe just gave me a swift kick in the ass and lit a little fire as well.
It was time to go.  Past time.
And yes, the economy is in the crapper, but there are still plenty of jobs out there in NYC.

I got a bit of severance and I have all the baby money saved up, so that equals over one year's worth of living expenses.  Yes, I wanted that money to go towards a down payment on a house (condo/co-op), but if we have to keep renting, so be it.  K is the main breadwinner and it's much better that it was me being laid off and not her.

Funny thing:  It had been announced that we were having a very important national call.  Everyone was gathering in conference rooms to listen in but I (and a few others) opted to call in from my desk.  As soon as they said they'd be doing layoffs in the afternoon, I immediately starting cleaning off my hard drive and emailing all my files to myself!  Ha!  I KNEW.

Also, during the 'talk' with the director (who I have only worked less than 2 months) he said that I should not tell anyone that I'd been laid off just yet.  WTF?!  I looked at him dead pan and said, "When someone walks down 'the' hallway right after a conference call where it has been announced you're laying people off, trust me, everyone knows.  It's like Dead Man walking out there." (there were 15 of us yesterday)
He didn't have anything to say after that.  Weasel.
I told everyone.

My friends were having a dinner party last night (good timing for me!) so I had the opportunity to drink wine and stand on the balcony of the 18th floor and howl at the moon as it rose over the east river.  It was a gorgeous full moon and I do declare: howling on a balcony just as good as screaming in a car.
Thank you Fab C, for joining in the howl!

Monday, February 9, 2009

Full Moon Madness.

I've been laid off. Just like that.
I've ruined my cashmere twin set with the stinky sweat.
Going home now.

Friday, February 6, 2009

But That was Last Week

And this is this week.

After a session where my therapist analyzed my bad dream (I didn’t figure out those characters myself) we spoke about my need to always remain composed and in control.
It’s a survival skill set that I learned early in life and it has suited me quite well. But it can outwardly make me appear that I need no help whatsoever thank you very much when inside I’m screaming.
I hate showing any sign of weakness because in my past…weakness simply was not permissible.
That caused me to think long and hard about the situation at hand (not that I haven’t been doing this already)…but with a different focus of trying to ask for help inside of stifling the screams.

The failure of the non-start IVF cycles have really thrown me for a loop. It wasn’t until this point I felt a scream building up inside me. Even after the m/c, I carried on and remained positive.
I sure as hell never expected to suddenly find out in the middle of all this that I’m also hypothyroid. How I wish I’d known to ask them for this test at the very beginning. But they had a test from the previous year and those results are good for 2 years. Also, the ‘normal’ ranges my RE uses are much higher than present standards, so even if they’d tested it one year ago, they would’ve called it normal.
For TTC, your TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) should be between 1-2 (new standards).
My RE’s cut off is 5.5 (old standards).
Mine is 6.27.
Big difference, eh?

So, this week I picked myself up, called my GP requesting all thyroid blood work from the last decade (yes, I’m one of those people who has a full physical evaluation and blood work done once a week—except for last year).
Armed with this, I got in with one of the best endocrinologist’s in the city and we are working to come up with treatment.
I knew as soon as I walked in his office and saw Buddha statues all over I was in good hands. I’ve been on synthroid one week now…and I’ll go for more tests in 3 weeks to retest the TSH levels as well as thyroid antibodies, Free T3 and Free T4. In addition, he is concerned that I may have also have a problem with my adrenal functioning properly, so we’ll do tests on those as well.

It pains me so to think this could be the reason for my m/c and so many months that looked like it might have been a chemical.
Please ladies, if you’re not getting pregnant and you haven’t had your thyroid tested, go do it! You don’t have to go to an RE, you can have your GP do it. I wish someone had told me…

The good news is that the meds could work quickly and get me down to a TSH level of 1 or 2 in one month’s time.
If that happens and the other tests come back normal, I would know just in time to get back on the Day 21 Estrogen Priming protocol for March IVF.
If not….we adjust the meds and try for an April start.

I’m feeling extremely empowered this week and my dreams reflect it. The latest?
I was having s.ex with a heavily pregnant Asian woman. It was super hot. Um, my wife is not Asian. I mean, I’ve had a few Asian girlfriends, but K is not one of them! But it’s all good, she’s cool like that with me and my dreams.
I have no idea what my therapist will make of this, but I’m anxious to hear it!
Any guesses?

New Infertility Support Group starting soon!

Mind/Body Support Groups

Infertility typically leaves patients feeling out of control. While you cannot
control that you are in this situation, you can control how you navigate it.

Our Mind/Body Support Group will Teach You:

• Effective ways to reverse the mental and physical discomfort of stress
• A panorama of coping mechanisms from which to choose
• How to assess and meet your needs
• How to tame and transform the intrusion of negative thoughts
• How to identify and work with your emotions
• How to enhance communication with your spouse/partner and others

Classes will run for six weeks beginning Wednesday, February 11th.

Date: Every Wednesday (February 11th through March 18th)
Time: 6:30 – 8:30pm

Location: NYU Fertility Center, 6th Floor Conference Room
660 First Avenue, 5th Floor | New York, NY 10016
Phone: 212‐263‐8990 | Fax: 212‐263‐7853 | Web:
Cost: $400 (includes six classes, a relaxation CD and all classroom handouts)

Classes are run by Helen Adrienne, who has worked with infertility patients
for 30 years.
To register, please contact her directly at:
Helen Adrienne, LCSW, BCD
(212) 758-0125 or

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Dream a Little Dream

Last week I had a dream that I'd been kidnapped by two men.  One was the really bad guy and the other one (representing my two abusers as a child) was bad, but more like "I don't think we should be doing this" but doing it anyway bad.
I kept trying to run away and scream for help.  I screamed and screamed but no one could ever hear me.
Once, I got close enough to a lady (representing my mother), grabbed her arm and pleaded with her to please help me.  Get me out of here.  She looked terrified of me and shook my arm off, and ran away.  I was left in tears wondering why no one would help me.  Why?
In the end, I escaped but I was all alone.

You might say I'm feeling a bit helpless in all this right about now.

The problem with living in this city is that you feel like there's nowhere you can scream.  I remember living where I had a car and sometimes I'd just get in the car to drive and scream.  It felt so good.
We're renting a car and going upstate to ski this weekend.  I think I'll find some time alone to take it out for a spin and scream my head off.