Sunday, July 11, 2010

Rocks

Who Rocks? You do. And you, and you and yes, YOU.
Wow. I am truly, deeply touched at all of your comments and the outpouring of support you have shown me.
I am not alone, not at all. Thank you for sharing your stories. I hope that I can continue to be honest here and that it encourages others to share their struggles with motherhood as well.

That post was written so many different ways, so many different times. I deleted them all until finally, I just HAD to post it. I felt guilty for 'complaining' (still do) when I worked so hard (and spent a shitload of money) to get pregnant in the first place.
I'm also very much aware of my readership, fellow IFer's, TTCer's, twin mom's and twin mom's to be. I didn't want to alienate or scare anyone. But there are over 400 of you out there, steadily reading along. I hope you'll continue to do so.

These babies are so wanted and loved, I can't stress that enough.
I feel like I'm supposed to spend every single minute with them and in reality, I'm not. I can't. That part is really hard for me but I've started working on it.

When Chicken read my post, she told me to hand over full control to hot nanny, (I see from the comments that nickname stuck, so I'm just going to go with it now), who is completely competent and has a lot more experience with twins and/or babies than either one of us, and go take a nap. I complied. While I was napping, Chicken asked HN to stay late and arranged to take me out to dinner.
A date. Just us. It was great. I put on a dress, indulged in an adult beverage and felt more like a human being again. Chicken rocks.

I'm learning that it's OK to let someone else baby wrangle and that I don't always need to be a part of it. I'm also learning that I have to get over my fear of being alone with these babies. That part is trickier. But we are taking baby steps. The older they get, the easier it gets. No matter how bad the day is, I have to keep remembering that it IS getting better and it will continue to do so.

But I feel pathetic that I have FT help and I still feel this crazed. I feel like a loser because I'm not doing this on my own and that being alone with them makes my heart race and not in a good way. I have to get over that so we are working out a new game plan.
We are going to see if HN will leave 1/2 hour early every day and I will take over for the next 1.5 hours until Chicken is done with work. Then we are going to add those 1/2 hour 'credits' up and do a date night once a week. That way, we aren't paying extra for a babysitter, I get used to doing this by myself in small chunks, and Chicken and I get to go on a date once a week.
It sounds like a good plan. I like it.

Chicken is also adamant that I get out by myself and do some things. Or just go take a nap. But that I leave the kids for a couple of hours and just chill.
I am going to try hard to do that. When I took a nap the other day, I tossed and turned the entire time because I felt guilty that HN had to handle both of them by herself. That would stress me out and I'm also scared she will quit because lord knows she can find herself a job with easier babies for the summer. I hope she doesn't quit.

This life of mine is so blessed. I have enormous gratitude for all we have. Coming from a very humble background, there's not a day that goes by when I don't think of how lucky I am.
Reading some of your comments made me realize that even more. There are more than a few of you twin moms out there doing this mostly alone and you deserve super woman mom of the year awards. I am in awe of you and how you do it.

I am going to take you up on your offers. I am. And I am going to go see a doctor about PPD. I hope I just need some sleep and some me time. But if I need meds, I will do whatever it takes to feel normal again.
I really hope I don't need meds. I had PTSD after 9/11 (I worked on Wall Street in my former life) and had to go on short term meds. It was horrible. The worst experience of my life. Someday I'll tell you the story of how I detoxed from the meds. It took a week and involved a tent and a nearly deserted Thai island.
I hope it doesn't come to that, because I can't do that kind of stuff anymore.

Going to bed now....sweet dreams to everyone and may we all have babies who don't fuss in the night.

18 comments:

N said...

I really hope that you CAN take advantage of HN, and take that time, even if it's to do something like run errands. And I really really hope the plan comes through, and that you and chicken will get some together time, without the babes. :)

K J and the kids said...

I hate that. We can't complain...EVER...because we were the ones that "wanted" this so bad.
I think it's all bullshit. It's hard and we all need to and should bitch about it. I don't think that you love your kids any less because you complain about the hardships. I think you are a tired mom with possible PPD (LOVE me some zoloft) and someone who just needs some time alone.
This is the hardest time. It really is. Each month it gets easier.
Keep it up. Glad you got the support you needed.
You are doing a great job.

existere said...

I have been thinking about you, and in this entry you said what I have been thinking: how hard it can be to be alone with two babies at first, but how necessary it is. I think th only way to realise you can do it is to do it!!

After ours were born I felt literal terror at the idea of being alone with them. My desire to get rid of my MIL made me strong enough to say 'fuck it' and go for it. You know, it's not bad.

I LIKE being alone with them every day. But I think part of that is that I'm pretty chilled - and that comes from knowing I get a break every evening when TMD gets home and goes on duty.

You can do this. The longer you go on believing you can't the harder it's gonna be to prove yourself wrong!! I think your new plan sounds AWESOME - especially with dates thrown in!!! We've gone out alone once since our babies were born 11 months ago, fir an hour. We could use another date!!!

Wishing you guys the best - and secretly wanting to see a pic of hot nanny!!

existere said...

Jesus, I used a lot of exclamation marks.

golyweg said...

One of the things that comes through the strongest from all of your blogs, is your gratitude for the babies you have, and that didn't come through any less when you said you were having a hard time. Whenever you get to that place again, remember the elation you felt coming out of the other side of it.

I heard someone say "Don't wait for the crisis to happen before doing something about it" over the weekend (on a completely unrelated issue) and it made me think of you. I'm so glad you have such amazing support ...
Horray for Chicken, and Horray for Hot Nanny!

golyweg said...

PS ... LOVE the babysitting credits = growing confidence = date night plan .... WIN/WIN/WIN!

Delenn said...

Just coming from LCFA and wishing you the best--I had PPD after both my children and getting help (medicine and therapy) helped immensely in those tough early weeks. Good luck!

Two Moms, Two Monkeys said...

So happy you have figured out a plan that gets you some "me" time, gets you both some "us" time, and doesn't break the budget!

Sometimes you just have to tell Chicken whats going on inside that head of yours. I know I would internalize alot of the stress on my own and then explode at the wife who would fix things immediately. Made me wonder why I waited to explode.

and the fear...it is oh so real. I did have fulltime help (my mom and wife for the first 3 months and then it was me and my mom until I went back to work at 9 months) and sometimes there would be 1-2 hours after my mom left and my wife would come home that I would dread because I'd have to be alone with "them". It made me feel crazy that I feared my own babies. So I get it, you aren't the only one.

It did get easier over time, I even started taking days off to be alone with them and give my mom a break. Now I cherish that time that I get to have them all to myself. I know you will get there too, it just takes experience. We've never had kids before, so cut yourself some slack. You are doing an awesome job!

Monika said...

First ((((pufferfam)))))!
I hope you can find a regimen where you can get some serious nap time and some extra time for yourself and your wife.You are giiving so much, it is time to get sth back to re-create the balance in your life.
Thanks for being real and telling how it truly is.

Mrs. X said...

I have written this post so many times in my mind. You are NOT ALONE in any of it - feeling like you can't complain, feeling overwhelmed even when you have help, being so tired you want to commit a felony to get into prison so you can at least sleep for x hours straight. Seriously.

I don't have any words of wisdom, since I'm right there with you, but I did want you to know that you are not the only one going through this and it's ok to complain.

Anonymous said...

I love love love that you are so honest! We all feel crazed at one time or another. I have 11 week old twins and have read and re-read your last post...it makes me feel not alone. I even read it to my husband so he might get some insight to how it is to be home all day alone with two newborns. I have decided to stay home with the babies for the next year and I do the nights by myself since he works. You are sooooo right...it is hard! SO HARD! I cried last night because the new week was starting, so I am alone again. With twins, we always have guilt...one is crying and we can't get to it, one needs to be held, but we are busy with the other, etc...

My point of my loooong rambling post it to say THANKS! Everyone wants to only hear how fun it is to have twins. It can be great and we are all so lucky to have our babies, but it is still hard.

cindyhoo2 said...

I keep popping in to read all the comments people share. How great that when you finally "broke down" you found a million other mommies smiling and nodding in agreement.

Anonymous said...

You sound so much better! I didn't think you were 'complaining' at all. It sounded like you were at feeling so overwhelmed all the time to me. You were being real and telling the truth.

You might feel guilty at first when you take breaks (i did, too) but once you realize how much better you feel when you get them and that the boys are going to survive, you will learn to realax.

As for the meds, the right med can do wonders. The wrong med can make you feel worse. Everyone is different and what works for one person in the same situation won't always work for the same person. I didn't realize I was taking the right med because I couldn't tell a big difference. When I took the wrong med, I felt a big difference (and it wasn't good) right away.

Most of all, anyone who has been following you along for awhile knows how much you want and love those boys. We also know you set high standards for yourself and you are extremely hard on yourself if you aren't in the place you want to be. Don't be so hard on yourself. You don't have to be supermom. The boys are going still going to live and they won't remember it if you aren't. I promise! Just do the best you can.

Roccie said...

Oh, my law, you dear woman. I can barely keep my head above water with one.

I like the sound of your new attitude. Try to keep it up. You can do this.

Anonymous said...

**** none of my damn comments ever come thru.. i even tried to email you @ pufferandthebabyfishies and it got rejected.. SERIOUSLY..

take HN for all she's worth.. get some rest.. things will be better/easier of course soon but until you are physically stabilized you are not going to be able to fully enjoy those gorgeous babies and that is the most important thing. xo
cynthia
legaldoulas.com

poppycat said...

I've been thinking of you all day today, thinking about how alike we are in certain ways and how difficult it can be to ask for or accept help from others. I pride myself in being totally self sufficient and I know you do to. Allowing others to help is something that will probably be uncomfortable and take practice but I think you will be glad you did.

Along that same line, I was thinking of how incredibly unnatural it is for us to try to care for our children by ourselves. It's only recently that women have been removed from villages, churches and families as they try to navigate parenthood. We all have each other for moral support here, and that is golden, but still doesn't offer the helping hands and close interaction that we need, especially with twins or more. It's a little sad.

You have always been a very free person who could come and go as she pleased, a woman used to the thrill of adventure, but things have changed in a huge way and I can only imagine what an adjustment it is. You should be so proud of yourself for doing this and doing it so well. I know its more than anyone can handle but cut yourself some slack mama. Your doing a great job.

Happy to know there is some help and relaxation coming your way. You TOTALLY deserve it!

PS - Chickem rocks and so do you.

xoxo

thencamebaby said...

I love your honesty. I can only imagine what you are going through ... I had my daughter 11 years ago and it was tough. She had colic and there were times where I just wanted to scream and do crazy things. I got through it... 7 months of colic.. I got through it. I am now very newly pregnant (5weeks) and your honesty is what keeps all us moms together and know it is ok...

pugmama said...

I'm so proud of you for arranging help and planning date nights! You need a break from your babies. It's good for the boys to get used to being around other people, too. It's truly a win-win.