Wow. I am truly, deeply touched at all of your comments and the outpouring of support you have shown me.
I am not alone, not at all. Thank you for sharing your stories. I hope that I can continue to be honest here and that it encourages others to share their struggles with motherhood as well.
That post was written so many different ways, so many different times. I deleted them all until finally, I just HAD to post it. I felt guilty for 'complaining' (still do) when I worked so hard (and spent a shitload of money) to get pregnant in the first place.
I'm also very much aware of my readership, fellow IFer's, TTCer's, twin mom's and twin mom's to be. I didn't want to alienate or scare anyone. But there are over 400 of you out there, steadily reading along. I hope you'll continue to do so.
These babies are so wanted and loved, I can't stress that enough.
I feel like I'm supposed to spend every single minute with them and in reality, I'm not. I can't. That part is really hard for me but I've started working on it.
When Chicken read my post, she told me to hand over full control to hot nanny, (I see from the comments that nickname stuck, so I'm just going to go with it now), who is completely competent and has a lot more experience with twins and/or babies than either one of us, and go take a nap. I complied. While I was napping, Chicken asked HN to stay late and arranged to take me out to dinner.
A date. Just us. It was great. I put on a dress, indulged in an adult beverage and felt more like a human being again. Chicken rocks.
I'm learning that it's OK to let someone else baby wrangle and that I don't always need to be a part of it. I'm also learning that I have to get over my fear of being alone with these babies. That part is trickier. But we are taking baby steps. The older they get, the easier it gets. No matter how bad the day is, I have to keep remembering that it IS getting better and it will continue to do so.
But I feel pathetic that I have FT help and I still feel this crazed. I feel like a loser because I'm not doing this on my own and that being alone with them makes my heart race and not in a good way. I have to get over that so we are working out a new game plan.
We are going to see if HN will leave 1/2 hour early every day and I will take over for the next 1.5 hours until Chicken is done with work. Then we are going to add those 1/2 hour 'credits' up and do a date night once a week. That way, we aren't paying extra for a babysitter, I get used to doing this by myself in small chunks, and Chicken and I get to go on a date once a week.
It sounds like a good plan. I like it.
Chicken is also adamant that I get out by myself and do some things. Or just go take a nap. But that I leave the kids for a couple of hours and just chill.
I am going to try hard to do that. When I took a nap the other day, I tossed and turned the entire time because I felt guilty that HN had to handle both of them by herself. That would stress me out and I'm also scared she will quit because lord knows she can find herself a job with easier babies for the summer. I hope she doesn't quit.
This life of mine is so blessed. I have enormous gratitude for all we have. Coming from a very humble background, there's not a day that goes by when I don't think of how lucky I am.
Reading some of your comments made me realize that even more. There are more than a few of you twin moms out there doing this mostly alone and you deserve super woman mom of the year awards. I am in awe of you and how you do it.
I am going to take you up on your offers. I am. And I am going to go see a doctor about PPD. I hope I just need some sleep and some me time. But if I need meds, I will do whatever it takes to feel normal again.
I really hope I don't need meds. I had PTSD after 9/11 (I worked on Wall Street in my former life) and had to go on short term meds. It was horrible. The worst experience of my life. Someday I'll tell you the story of how I detoxed from the meds. It took a week and involved a tent and a nearly deserted Thai island.
I hope it doesn't come to that, because I can't do that kind of stuff anymore.
Going to bed now....sweet dreams to everyone and may we all have babies who don't fuss in the night.