I Think You're Amazing

These boys are growing up so fast.  I keep thinking I will write it all down and I don't.  Then I kick myself for making muffins instead of writing.  But we need to eat...
I waste too much time in the evenings doing mindless things because I am too brain dead to write.  I can cook/clean/bake (some nights) but writing is much harder for me.


Since we hired a PT nanny, I can tell an huge difference in how I am feeling toward life, the kids, the Chicken, even the cat.  I guess we are all better moms when we have a little break for ourselves.
I didn't know I'd be quite so fragile as a mom.  I didn't know how hard it would be to 'try to do it all'.  I hate that I want and need help (both in the form of drugs and other people) to be my best.  Looking back at their first year, I now see so clearly how depressed I was and just how bad it was.  I can't believe that I denied I had PPD.  It took me a long time, but I'm so glad I finally admitted it.


I do get sad when I read the birth stories of new moms and then the glowing posts following those first days/weeks/months with the new baby/babies.  I don't remember feeling any of that glow.  I wish my memories of when they were babies were a bit happier, but they aren't and I can't do anything to change that.  I really hate that I look at little babies and think, "Oh my god I'm so glad we don't have a tiny baby anymore".  I love babies, don't get me wrong.  I have always LOVED my babies.  But, this age....now is so magical and amazing and wonderful.  Part of it is me and where I am now and part of it is them.
But oh my!  If I had a penny for every kiss they've had since birth I would be a millionaire.  I adore them in ways that I did not in the beginning.  Chicken admits this, too.  Two colicy babies are quite difficult to bond with even without battling PPD.


Earlier this week I was going back through some of my old posts from pregnancy trying to tap back in to how I was feeling.  So many things have happened since then and I honestly couldn't remember 'where' I was then.  I came across the 3D ultrasound photos we had done at 20 and 22 weeks and it was amazing.  I had not looked at these photos since the boys were born and I was blown away.  I knew immediately who was who.  It was so clear--at 20 weeks!  That is so crazy.


I am trying to let the past go.  I was the best mom I could be at the time.  I wasn't the happiest mommy but I must've smiled enough because my boys sure are some happy kids with great smiles.  Now, I can go forward and soak up every moment with them.
Our best time--and my favorite part of the entire day--is the bedtime routine (and no, not because they are going to bed, but because they are so sweet!).  I love it so much, I draw it out a very long time.


We take a bath or shower by 6 and do lotion, diaper and pj's by 6:30.  Grunter pushes my shoulder and says "down" and I obey laying down on a double stack of Boppy's on the bedroom floor.  He nurses and  Whoop Whoop sometimes plays with his blocks or sometimes drives a car on my head or sometimes straddles me and bounces or sometimes just hangs out on the side that isn't occupied by Grunter.  When Grunter is ready to switch sides, he commands W2 to "move!" and W2 happily comes to my other side.  I have to nudge Grunter off eventually and tell them to go sit on their step stools so we can brush teeth.  When this is done we roll around on the floor tickling and kissing until I put them in their cribs, put on their sleep sacks and they demand Book Book!
I pull up the desk chair and situate it at the corner of their cribs (which are placed in an L shape) and we read a book.  "Mas Mas!" they demand holding up a finger.  Of course I give in at least once if not twice.
When we are done Whoop Whoop reaches over to hug and kiss Grunter who may or may not let him.  It's the cutest thing ever.
Now it's time to turn off the light and I go to the lamp counting 1-2-3 both in English and in Spanish.
The lights go off, usually with W2 protesting "mas" or "book".


A long time ago I would do all of this topless and they would stand up in their cribs and I would nurse them both standing up.  Gives a whole new meaning to 'nurse to sleep', huh?  But then W2 weaned and  what's the point of brushing their teeth and now if I have my shirt off Grunter still wants to nurse and W2....well, let's just say he still likes to 'handle' the boobage if allowed!
Up until recently I would sing them songs and rub their backs and try to tiptoe out while I was still singing.  They--especially Whoop Whoop--didn't like knowing I was leaving.


But we've entered a new phase--the rhythm is always changing--and I started to pick them up while I sing to them giving them each precious moments of special quiet time with Mommy.
"Up Up Up" demands Grunter.
I hold each one close to me--they are great about waiting their 'turn'--and they lay their head on my shoulder as we rock and sway in the darkness.  Grunter will sometimes hold me and pat my back while W2 likes to hug you so tightly he trembles.  It's the same with his kisses.  He has such intensity he sometimes bites you--little love bites.
I put them back in the crib and kneel down on the ground so I'm on their level.  They come to the sides and we kiss through the slats and giggle.
I sing some more and rub back and head more and Grunter usually stands up a couple of times to hug me and tilts his head up indicating that he would like a kiss.  My heart melts.  They are such sweethearts.
"Nigh Nigh" Grunter says.  "Bye" Whoop Whoop says.  Sometimes I hear a "Ciao" and will hear them fussily blowing kisses.
I tell them I love them over and over and over.


I stand outside the door and listen to them babble to each other.  I can hear Grunter tossing and turning and Whoop Whoop chatters to himself as he reviews his day complete with lots of "No mine", "doo doo" (Choo Choo Train, his new favorite thing/word) and "Mommy".  Many times 10-15 minutes will pass and suddenly I'll hear squeals of laughter from one or both.  Who knows?  W2 keeps up the chatter for at least 45 minutes most nights while Grunter falls asleep more quickly.


Sleep tight, boys.  Mommy loves you more than you'll ever know.


I think you're amazing.