Sunday, August 12, 2012

How not to write a real post when you are so far behind you can't catch up

The summer has flown by and there's just so much to say I honestly don't know where to start.

It's bullets for now plus something new--FB status updates.  Because I can hammer something out on FB but can't manage to get my shit together for a decent post.
Nevertheless, some of these post are just too good not to share.
I'm coming clean with real names because I just don't have the time/energy to care to change them.  Eventually this was going to happen.
Now I have absolutely no secrets.  You know everything.
Grunter= Maximo
Whoop Whoop/W2=Sebastian

  • I've been nanny-free for almost 3 months.  Just me and the kids 24/7.  I didn't think I could do it, but I can and I am.
  • Kate has been traveling for work more and more.  I'm single mom in the city a few time a month for days at a time.  So far, no nervous breakdowns.
  • We didn't succeed in potty training Round One (Costa Rica in March) or Round Two (early June) 
  • The boys have all but dropped their nap
  • We bought bikes and child seats and are getting every dollar out of them exploring the city and Brooklyn.  Love family biking!
  • Between twins that don't nap and me not having any help, I haven't made much time to write
  • We spent a lovely week upstate in the Adirondacks with the boys and my parents (who drove 3 days to meet us there) followed by a week on Cape Cod.  Many miles of beautiful bike rides.  Vacation totally disrupts early potty training.
  • The boys are wicked smart and hilarious.

June 13:
Chicken: I think I gained 2 pounds. Do I look fat?
Me: It's only 2 pounds, it probably muscle. No, you don't look fat. When did you weigh yourself?
Chicken: This afternoon after I worked out.
Me: You don't weigh yourself in the afternoon. You know that.
Grunter: Do it first ting in da morning.
OMG, this kid hears and remembers EVERYTHING.

June 12:
I am about 99% consistent on my follow through. My kids know this. Today, Mr. Max, who has decided not to nap and be a terror instead, was doing something he was not supposed to do. I gave him a warning and ended it with a "I mean it, Max.". He did it anyway. I was too tired to care. And he (rather triumphantly I believe) declared, "Mommy didn't mean it!" So smart these little munchkins. And a good reminder to be consistent.

June 14:
Washing dishes today and listening to the boys playing fireman in the living room. I cannot see the living room from my kitchen. The boys are naked. I momentarily panic thinking about what they are using as a 'hose' to put out the fire?? So I do what any mother would do, I called out to remind them that "real firemen use the potty when they have to pee." And you know what? They did:)

June 17:
Toddlers not napping on the weekends....this is becoming a pattern. And one is completely naked in his crib. We'll see how that goes. At least they've never tried to climb out. And they did sleep until almost 8am. Could be worse, right?

June 18:
I need to write a real book about parenting twins. Day 3 of no naps. Had to drag one crib to the middle of the room when I realized they had started ripping artwork off the walls. Second time I went in and discovered Max had removed all of his clothes and diaper--which was, of course--full of poop. They are both completely naked in their cribs, making the most annoying sounds ever to protest the fact that they don't 'do' nap time OR rest time OR whatever it is I'm promoting thank-you-very-much. Kate is out of town. Ice cream is in the fridge, waiting for them to go to bed tonight.

And then I found the crib sheet removed and ripped into shreds.....
Oh, and if you think giving 2 year olds sensory boxes after having not napped for 3 days in a row is a good idea, you are an idiot. Unless, of course, you enjoy having 20 lbs of rice and 5 bags of dried split peas dumped ALL over your house. All wooden blocks have been put on high shelves as they were being used as weapons. Screw the ice cream. Mommy needs tequila.

June 19:
I made them walk and walk and walk some more. I fed them a hot lunch. I put them in double diapers--one frontwards and one backwards--to deter the mini strippers. I dimmed the lights and darkened the cool room. I read soothing books. I prayed to the nap gods. And then I left the room. There was shrieking and singing for 30 minutes. And was quiet. So I ate ice cream.
Unfortunately I soon heard what can only be described as a ripping sound and Sebastian softly chanting "naked naked naked" followed by cries of "Mommy, Pee Pee!". Everything was off. Double diapers be damned. He wanted to pee in the potty. And really, how can I get mad at that? Back in the crib, butt naked and now smacking books against the side of his crib. At least one is asleep, no poop has been flung and the crib sheets aren't shredded. If Kate's flight has her here before bedtime, they are all hers! 

June 21:
I remember a few weeks ago another mom was asking how to keep diapers on at nap/bedtime and I said something really stupid and smug like "Oh, we've never had that problem. I guess it's because we let them go naked so much that they get it out of their system." Yeah, that. Karma. Last night before going to bed, we went in to check on the boys and were shocked to find Tian completely naked asleep in the crib.  Luckily, even though he'd been asleep for almost 4 hours, everything was completely clean and dry.  Today at nap time, I knew I had to break out the big guns.  The tape gun.  That's right, I wrapped heavy duty packing tape around my little darlings diapers.  I expected massive protesting and possible hysterics.  Instead, I got Sebastian saying "Tape me up more, Mommy."  Go figure.  They are napping.  Problem (hopefully) solved.

June 23:
Mutiny. They figured out how to get the tape off their diapers. Poo was involved. Must find stronger tape.

Sebastian has shredded every crib sheet we own except the one currently on Max's bed. They were both starting to strip off their pj's before I even turned off the light. Diapers were tightly wrapped with tape. But I wasn't going to take any more chances. I quickly grabbed two long-sleeved, footed, zippered pj's, cut the feet off and twisted the zipper pull until it broke. Next, I located a safety pin.  Stay with me here.  I then put the pj's on backwards and used the safety pin to pull up the zipper (and then took the safety pin out).  They are zippered up backwards (and a snap at the top!) and man are they pissed about that.  Sebastian is sleeping white-trash style on a bare mattress as we have no crib sheets left.  It's always an adventure around here.

June 28:
Even contained in their cribs they cause destruction. Managed to reach an edge of their play mat tiles ripping them up and dragging part of the rug into the crib. The crib that still has no sheet. Note the paint missing. (Sebastian found a piece of paint on the wall to chip away at...)  I suspect that hole is going to get bigger. So much energy.

July 2:
Any ideas on how to keep the mattress in the pack n play? My little darlings are traveling for the next couple of weeks and we're day 4 of no naps. Today it was because they took the mattresses out and when I went upstairs Max had thrown his over the side and Sebastian had rolled his up and was trying to use it as an escape ladder. Anyone else's kids do these tricks?  Velcro is nothing to these two.
You can't get these two to sleep UNLESS they are contained.  They have never been able to sleep on an 'open' surface because they can't help themselves to not get up and explore everything no matter how tired they are.  I marvel when I see babies/toddlers/kids sleeping on a blanket at the beach/park/home because they has never been any part of my reality--unless they are sick.


Casey said...

Oh man. These two! I love hearing about all of this. Hilariously awesome post. Riley is JUST starting to give up her naps on the weekends. I was thinking, oh that sucks, until I read this. We're doing just fine. And you definitely need the tequilia. Good luck!

Marcia (123 blog) said...

Okay wow, you have the patience of Job!

I love all the facebook updates :) And yes, they are smart as anything!

K J and the kids said...

ah yes. to parent twins.
I will tell you. We went through this (twice) and eventually they wear pants.
I big boys wear them 99% of the time. and the littles are closer to 78%...and that's only because they like to play in the hose and take them off when they get wet. :)
Keep holding on. Good luck !
Seek others in the neighborhood to hook up with. and make time for yourself.

AdventuresInBabyMaking said...

We should catch up soon. We can trade Paris/ Costa Rica stories. I am so sympathetic about Chicken traveling - I've been out a few weeks in a row and crazy busy at work (last week I worked 92 hours). It sucks for the other parent...

Anonymous said...

I am still laughing about those two in their taped-up diapers and backwards jammies! Hahahaha! Good luck. You are doing amazingly well (mostly) on your own. Kudos!

Verity Foxy said...

Thanks for this post. Our boys are 20 months and this gives me something to look forward to (?!) -- or maybe something to be prepared for! My boys seem as rambunctious as yours and the whole diaper situation might be a reality for me someday. I don't know how you're doing it alone - you are amazing. How do you get them to sleep at night? Our sleep time has deteriorated horribly lately.

Anonymous said...

I laughed so hard! (sorry) um, there are kids that sleep on blankets? I want one of those! I know someone who put straps on her twins in the cot. Apparently they didn't protest, and she would unbuckle them once asleep. My mind boggles.

Pomegranate said...

hysterical, but frightening. i think this is my future except without twins. at 14 months, i can still lie down next to my kid in bed and hold him (down) while he screams until he falls asleep. the car seat usually works. every once in a while, he falls asleep in the ergo. and that's about it.