Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Bringing Up the Past and Letting Go of Anger

Have you ever found yourself unexpectedly facing the past?  A past that consumes you with anger?
Oh, my past.  There are so many stories to tell.  Many that I've forgotten and many more that I want to forget.
Damn you, FB.

An innocent friend request.  Someone from my 20+ years ago past.
I hesitated for over a month.
Finally, I accepted.  When, out of curiosity, I scrolled through her friend list the name I found hit me hard and sent me reeling.
In an instant I was back there again.  I knew better but I couldn't resist, I'd gone too far already.  I clicked through and found the current details.  I saw photos and almost vomited.
My skin crawled and anger rose instantly.

I'd hoped she was dead.  She'd almost died so many times.
But there she was.  A new name.  Much older and withered, but very much alive.

My first love.  She not only broke my heart, but she broke me.
The emotional, physical, financial and psychological pain she caused me all those years before derailed my life for the better part of a decade.

Reliving those memories is not something I want to do.  But now I'm forced to do so.  And I'm angry.
My god, for the last 2 days I have been so incredibly angry.

Last night, I meditated and let my mind go.  I remembered the past.  The snapshots of toxic 'us' played in my head.  I tried to forgive myself for making such bad choices.
My entire life had been filled with drama and abuse and bad choices.  There were no good role models for me to model any other type of behavior.  Of course, I would be attracted to complete trash.  I was trash myself.
Ouch.  Cutting myself open and bleeding it out.  Bleeding out the trash, the past, the filth, the lies, the love, the hate....letting it all go.
I cried for that girl I used to be.  I was only 21 and I was such a fucked up mess.  How damaged must I have been to love someone like that.

I want no ties to that.  I can't erase my past.  What's done is done and I paid the price heavily.  But I need to remember it, embrace it, forgive it and let it go.

Easier said than done.  How do I do that?
I've come so far in my life and this one act brought me back 23 years.  It punched me in the gut and rocked my emotional state.  I need to let it go.

How do you let go of anger?

I defriended the original request as I don't want my perpetrator to have any access to my life/details.


K J and the kids said...

Facebook the double edge sword.
I agree that it is all so much easier said than done. Forgiving and letting go is one of THE hardest things in many cases.
I have found that in order for me to forgive I have to understand.
I try to understand my part in it and also the part of the other person. (which can be really hard)
I dig deep for empathy and when I'm able to reflect on the other persons they got to that place....the sadness and misery in their life....I'm able to then understand how we both came to the place that we did.
I forgive myself. Them. and remember that all things good and bad are in my past. That I am who I am because of them. and then I let it all go.
(easier said than done)
Good luck finding that place of peacefulness with this person.
And thank you for feeling safety in telling us here.

Strawberry said...

I like what KJ said. It's hard hard. I find it helps to write about it, too (personal journal).

Kerry said...

It is very hard.Keep in mind the memories you have are from that period and no matter how you rationalize it now you just can't. You aren't the same person you were then. My counselor used to suggest the empty chair sessions.You say what you would want to say to that person and no holding back. Swear, kick, cry, scream do whatever you feel.

Do this and then let it go. You have a good life now with chicken and the boys. The past is the past

shroomie said...

This happened to me in a similar way not to long ago. For me, I find piece in knowing that all of those crazy stories, the anger has made me who I am today. And for that I have to have some gratitude, for all I have now is pretty awesome.

cat said...

Ai, I think many of us have similar tales to tell, hurts to get out, regrets to process. However I think forgiving ourselves is the hardest. Know that you were only 21 and forgive yourself for your choice.

Lots of love

Marcia (123 blog) said...

ouch, sounds terrible. Glad you unfriended.

I have a someone from my past (work person that hated me) and I am not friends with any of her friends either I want her knowing nothing about me!

how are you doing today?

Anonymous said...

I use the "hide" feature on facebook, and mostly just stay away from it. There is not enough time in my day to keep up with people that I'm not that invested in. I'd rather focus on quality communication with the people I really love having in my life...

So I guess the answer for me is no facebook, and keep the focus on the people who really matter....

Kimberly said...

Most of my anger about past situations comes from guilt about how I handled the situation. In that case, I repeat to mysepf "I did the best I could with what I had." Usually, as I forgive myself, I'm able to let the situation go.

Jen said...

I think anger itself is a double edged sword. Do you work through it to move forward, or do you forget about it, live in denial to move forward. For myself and my personal journey, I had to do a combination. Tiff is really the only person who has truly broken my heart and my soul, and I had to not only defriend, but completely block her so that I couldn't see her comments on mutual friends walls/posts, see her profile pictures, or any evidence of her existance on fb. And, I see her face to face twice a week and it is still hard. Have you read the book, The Dance with Anger? It is a great book and helped me a lot during my own process.