Wednesday, March 9, 2011

I Get By with a Little Help From My Friends

I'm less stressed.
I'm nicer.
I'm more patient.
I'm not an anxious.
I'm laughing and smiling a lot more.
I'm productive.
I'm energetic.
I'm not as angry.
I'm not sad.
I'm not overwhelmed.
I'm enjoying my life and my twins and my partner.

I'm seeing a therapist and a shrink and my new best friend--Zoloft.

You were right. I fought it and denied it and railed against it. But yes, I am the face of PPD.

I hit a wall on Jan. 21, 2010. The twins one year birthday. I cried in the shower. I drank wine for lunch. I don't do these things--EVER.
There was a bottle of Zoloft with my name on it that I'd had since 2003 and never taken. I know, who keeps things like that? Me, apparently. I called the shrink and made an appointment, but in the meantime started self-medicating with who-knows-if-it's-even-effective Z.

I'm pretty sure it was still good because by the time I told her about it the next week (her: "Oh, that's nothing, most people self-medicate with drugs or alcohol"), I was already feeling better. We upped the dose a bit and life changed.
A few weeks ago Chicken said, "Don't take this the wrong way are so much better now." And I am.

That's why I couldn't fathom the idea of going to Miami, but welcomed the challenge of going to SF. That's why I've cut the nanny's hours.
That's why I've been getting up every morning and getting the boys out the door and getting things DONE.
And loving it.
And feeling so empowered and proud of myself.
And enjoying these amazing boys so much more.

That's why I never saw myself in so many of your blogs--both twin and singleton. I was not myself. I was small and sad and angry and most of all, tired and overwhelmed.
Life is good and I know it's just going to keep getting better.


K J and the kids said...

Lets take our best friend out for drinks girl. I love her too.
I let her go for a while and then after weeks of angst and stress I've come back to the one friend who makes me feel normal and whole :)
I love her.

Glad you are feeling better.

MeAndBaby said...

So glad to read that you are feeling so good! Hope it lasts and lasts and lasts. :)

AdventuresInBabyMaking said...

I'm so happy you're feeling better! PPD totally sneaks up on you and I'm glad you've got it understood and under control. Just don't tell Tom Cruise, ok? :)

Dre said...

I am so glad the Z is making you feel better. It saved me as well. I am actually still on it and my son is 21 months (but reducing the dosage gradually). So just be gentle to yourself and do whatever you need to so that you are happy, which in turn will make everyone else happy!

N said...

<3 I'm so happy for you.

Jackie said...

So glad you're feeling better!

Laurie said...

(hugs) awesome news.

I have wondered if PPD has been sneaking around here as well. I would love to ask you a few questions if you wouldn't mind... can you email me?

shroomie said...

thrilled for you! how empowering to feel like you are in control again...

sunshine said...

I am so pleased to hear that you are feeling so well. I have been s-t-r-u-g-g-l-i-n-g since my twins were born, and was prescibed Z. I never picked up the rx, because my therapist and husband are sooo deadset against it. Not sure what to do, but feel pretty bad most of the time.

H2 said...

Soooo Happy to hear this. Great job Mama. The more we all talk about it the less taboo it becomes. :-)

tbean said...

That's terrific to hear Puff. I know it was a hard threshold for you to cross but it sounds like it was 150% the right decision! I know I don't know you super well, but there were many times over the past year that I read between the lines of your posts and you sounded so...not like yourself. Just so tired, so overwhelmed. I have been silently hoping, all along, that you would seek out this kind of help and that it would, in fact, make a huge difference for you. I'm so glad you have and it has. It took me years and years to accept that I need to be, probably permanently, on an SSRI. But I did and I am and we're all the better for it. No shame.

Anonymous said...

I feel like this post is a wake up call for me. As I read the list at the top I was thinking of how much I want all that. I think I will take the leap and figure out what to do now. But even that seems overwhelming.

Anonymous said...

Good for you, Mama! So happy things are falling into place. I know getting on the ADs helped me tremendously as well. Here's to things getting better and better :)

Kate said...

That's wonderful to hear.

Movie Gyrl said...

Very happy for you that the sunshine has broken through the clouds :)

Anonymous said...

YAY!!! Sounds pretty damn great.

Next in Line said...

I love that you had an old prescription from 2003, decided to take it and it worked! What a success story. You are practically a doctor. The insurance company should pay you for that visit. smile.
You really are amazing. I am happy that you are feeling better.

Marcia (123 blog) said...

SO GLAD you're better!

I love how you took the old meds - I'm the same (but not that old) and if I feel worse, will stop :)

Heather said...

so happy to read this post!

CJ said...

Here's to regaining your life and LOVING it!

libby @ ninesandquines said...

So happy that you're happy :-) I have battled this stuff in the past (not pregnancy related) and put off going on medication soooo long because of the stigma and finally knew it was the last thing I could try that could save me. And it worked like a charm. I was on Lexapro and Xanax for about three years and then gradually was able to come off of them.

@Sunshine, I am so sad for you that, because of the stigma your husband and therapist are projecting on you, that you are going through life feeling so awful...please reconsider and gently tell them that, while you really do appreciate their concern and love, they don't have to live with how you are feeling and you deserve to feel better....please don't let their beliefs dictate how you walk through deserve to enjoy life and enjoy your kids!!!

Pomegranate said...

so thrilled for you!

Anonymous said...

Oh sweet Puffer, I'm so glad to see you enjoying the amazing person the rest of us do! Man, sometimes its hard to see how bad things are until you on on the other side right? I fall victim to that sometimes as well.

And about the tired and overwhelmed... not sure that is going to change ;) But small and sad - so long. Happy and healthy - hell yeah!

Anonymous said...

Good for you, Puffer. Good for you.

I tried to write "thank God for drugs!" on my mass email that I sent out after G's birth (referring to the epidural), but Rose nixed it citing her Catholic relations. However, the belief holds.