What I want to talk about is how I'm scared to get dressed these days. That might be a little dramatic. But I feel like I'm becoming a good candidate for "Not What to Wear".
I decided this while walking to Union Square the last two days and realizing that I don't make eye contact with many people these days because I don't like how I look/what I'm wearing.
My life has become a uniform of comfortable-quick-to-put-on (which usually means no laces or buckles) shoes/boots, yoga pants (though I've done exactly 2 yoga classes in the past 23 months) and a baggy shirt of some sort that looks even more attractive paired with a nursing tank underneath. The lovely, over-grown out, needs-new-highlights, thinning mop of hair is almost always in a clip or pony tail. There are STILL dark circles under my eyes every single day. I fear they may never go away at this point. I try my best to simply look presentable when I go out, but it's usually such a mad dash to:
- Feed the twins
- Clean it and them all up
- Diaper Changes
- Gimme that diaper
- Bring the wipes back
- Don't touch your penis it has poop on it
- Do you have to toss every single wipe out of the container?
- Let's put the wipes back in
- OMG, you took off your socks again?
- I'm sorry he poked you in the eye, that must've hurt. Come here.
- Hugs and Cuddles.
- Let's find those socks
- Jackets on
While all of this is going on, it gets HOT and I've found that I can't do much of the above with many clothes on or else I end up an overheated, sweaty mess. So, I lay out my clothes that I'm going to wear next to their stroller, strap the boys in and then put my clothes/shoes/coat on as fast as possible before they also get hot and cranky.
My point is: there's not a lot of time to put an effort into how I "Look".
But the bigger question is: Who AM I? I don't know how this mommy person is supposed to look. I've lost all of the baby weight so all of my old clothes fit me--that's not the problem. But, I'd hung on to all of those clothes for so long--determined to get pregnant and not wanting to spend any extra money, so much to the extent that I'd started shopping at Goodwill!--that I am BEYOND sick of them. So, I've packed up at least half of my closet and donated it to Goodwill.
I've done a bit of shopping here (I really hate shopping) and there but I just can't figure out my "style" anymore. Plus, while I've lost the weight, I've also lost the muscle. My size is an 'issue' to find (Chicken: no one wants to hear that). I have a lot of "flabbaloge" around my middle (Chicken: Shut Up.) that I need to do something about...but haven't. Thus, I try to hide under a baggy shirt and fitted jeans/leggings. It's not the best look. And Chicken tells me I have nothing to hide so clearly I also have body dysmorphia. Yeah me!
I'm a mother. I'm of a certain age (ahem, over 40). I'm struggling with this new identity and how it looks on me.
I guess I thought when I became a mother, I would ease into it and look put together like so many mothers I see out there. I would finally look like a grown up. Yeah, that's it.
I don't and I don't even know what "that" looks like on me.
The Z is helping with all of this, but I'm still not sure what motherhood should look like.
Are any other new (ish) mothers struggling with this as well??