Tuesday, July 12, 2011

And Just Like That, He's Done

It's so his personality. I shouldn't have been so surprised. But in the morning and afternoon he came running with his usual excited grunted 'oh-oh's' when I asked if he and his brother were ready for "Cafe Yum Yum" and the very next time Whoop Whoop poked my nipple, laughed and said "no-a" shaking his head.
Can you say devastated?

They'd both had a little 24 hour something-something and I thought (hoped?) it was just an icky tummy. He'd vomited once and maybe it's like when you're getting the flu anyway but you just ate sushi and then you puked and oh god, puking up sushi is the WORST and then you never want sushi again even though it really wasn't the sushi that made you sick? Yeah, so maybe he puked and was all like, damn breast milk tastes like shit coming up. And maybe he'd get over that thought and go back to the booby?
But no.
He did not.

And in the morning he was a hot mess. Kids like routines. They like knowing what's coming next. Now his world was turned upside down. Never in his entire LIFE has he woken up and not nursed. Never! (ok, there were probably a few bottles in there but you get the idea). He didn't know what to do with himself and thrashed about the living room with Chicken trying to figure out what to do. He just didn't know 'what' he wanted. We tried milk, we tried food, we tried bringing him over to me in the bed where I was nursing Grunter (which really infruiated him) and finally over the course of the next days....we discovered singing "ba ba black sheep" was the ticket, followed by a cup of milk and singing the entire book of nursery rhymes. Whatever works.

And by day three of him refusing to breastfeed--oh god I tried, I basically walked about topless and flung my tits in his face when I could--I had myself a good cry.
I felt (feel?) so rejected. It's just....HIM? Really? He was the one who could stay on my breast all day long if I'd let him. He was the one we were worried we'd have to wean before kindergarten! And so suddenly! There was no warning. That's just his style. He's an abrupt kind of guy. As Chicken remarked, "He's going to break a lot of hearts."

I miss our time. He is so busy, busy, busy my smiley tornado. He doesn't stop or sit still and this was my time--at least 3 times a day--to lay down and relax with my babies. I would lay on my back on the bed with one in each arm. I could kiss the tops of their sweet little heads and we'd chill out for a good 30 minutes every single morning. It was an awesome way to wake up. I miss that I never got a photo of that or a video of him getting so excited for it.
It will never happen again.
He stills comes over and touches it or puts his mouth on it or just laughs and shakes his head. It's like he finds the idea completely crazy.

I miss him snuggling in my arms and nuzzling at my chest. I miss him looking up at me with those big brown eyes and those long eyelashes.

But something interesting has happened....Grunter, who was a pretty carefree nurser...has decided to nurse with more frequency and for longer periods of time. In fact, the day after W2 quit, but came over to investigate--Grunter reached over and pulled his hair! That's never happened before. Grunter learned very quickly that he had me all to himself and wow is he ever taking advantage of it! Babies are so smart.
So this is good. I get lots of snuggling and one-on-one time with my Grunter. And he needed that, I know. I guess this was how it was all supposed to work out.

Nursing a toddler has seriously been one of the most rewarding and FUN things I've ever done. I look forward to it every day. I LOVE IT.
I never thought I'd make it breastfeeding twins past a few months--if that. I had no goals set, I was just taking it day by day. I've had every kind of problem I can think of, but I kept going. And once I hit a year, I had no intention of stopping. Once they were crawling and walking over to me, my heart burst over and over.
They want me. They need me. My body. I can do this. So many things I couldn't do, but this--I can do this! The bond I have with them is amazing and I am so happy I just kept going.

Whoop Whoop weaned nearly 2 weeks ago and since then I swear his hugs have gotten stronger and his kisses more frequent and longer.
My colicy baby. My baby who cried so long. My baby I was so scared I wouldn't bond with.
Oh how he loves to hug and kiss me.
I can't even count the number of hugs and kisses they get every day.

Now when we wake up, Grunter nurses with one of my arms wrapped around him and W2 drinks a milk cup while I read him a book with my other hand. You adapt. You figure it all out. It all keeps changing, but it's all good. There's dried milk on my sheets and I never thought that I just wouldn't care. But I really don't.
I love them more than I ever thought possible.


N said...

Okay, granted a lot of things are making me cry tonight, but add this one to the list. Lovely, if bittersweet. ♥

tireegal68 said...

This is an amazing award winning post! Beautiful. Heartfelt. Bittersweet. Perfect! Thank you:)

K J and the kids said...

I'm sorry but glad that you've all taken on your new roles together. :)
It seems that more than not one of you is going to be ready before the other one....and that is hard.

shroomie said...

What a great post. B-feeding twins is a sport, something you deserve a medal for. You have done a great job, and this post exemplifies how you are a great parent. Looking at each child and parenting them how they need and creating opportunities for them along the way. I loved b-feeding as well and felt a profound loss when it was over. But at the end of the day you have done a great thing for them and for you.

Pomegranate said...

so sweet. this post made me a little teary. must be those post-partum hormones. :)

Marcia (123 blog) said...

okay I love this post - I LOVE LOVE LOVE your passion for bf and for your boys.

I love your boys' personalities - they are such spunky little guys.

PS I missed you posting more - I look in my reader every day to see if you've posted :)

Anonymous said...

Tearing up over here - such a sweet post. I remember reading your early b'feeding posts and oh how it's come full circle.

Verity Foxy said...

I'm all choked up... it's (only?) been 7 months for me and my boys and EVERYTHING you wrote is exactly me so far. Thank you so much for writing this, it's given me hope that I can actually survive this. B'feeding is my favourite time with the boys, for sure.

anofferingoflove said...

count me among the teary-eyed readers.

eeny meany said...

So sweet and you're so awesome for adapting so quickly. It's a perfect example of what we'll end up doing throughout their lives--letting go. Lovely post.

Anonymous said...

There is no more precious look in the world than what I call "nursing face." I've seen it on my own child and on the face of others--it's this wide-eyed, smile obscured look of utter peace and contentment that seems to stay the same from baby to toddler. This is what your post made me think about because I think I'll miss "nursing face" when BG weans. Honestly, I think because toddler nursing is so fun, so special, it makes it that much harder to give it up (not that it's EVER easy to wean!).

That said, this made me so weepy, and yet, your boys seem to known just what they need and when. It takes really good parents to see those cues and to follow them, and you're doing just that. I love the new image you paint of your one nursing boy and your one milk-drinking boy in bed in the morning. And more kisses and hugs? Who can resist?

Beautiful post.

This Mom said...

I love this post so much. I can't help but remember the posts you wrote in their earlier days and compare them to now. You & Chicken are successfully parenting your twin sons and there is joy and love every day as your reward. Well done mommies!

Anonymous said...

What a sweet, sweet post.

Next in Line said...

Baba black sheep and milk. Wow. What a new lifestyle. You just can't tell what they are going to do. Today is the first time every that I have put her down for a nap and she didn't ask for milk. She just wanted to jump in her crib. Times are a changing.

Anonymous said...

aww i'm sure that was tough! nice that grunter has found a stronger desire to BF. your adorable boys are growing up so fast!

Gayby Rabies said...

Such a beautiful and sad post! Its so sweet that W2 has found a new way to have bonding time with you.

H2 said...

H1 just barfed sushi last night! I'm glad you've all adjusted. :-)

Anonymous said...

Awsome post.