Thursday, July 28, 2011

No Mas

Sorry about the previous blank post. I wasn't done! I'm still not, but it's a long one coming.
In the meantime....we've made a big decision.

No more kids.
We keep getting the CA Cryobank bill and ignoring it. $440 for one more year to store the sperm. But I'm 99.9% sure I don't want more kids and I have felt this way almost since I gave birth to the twins. I certainly can't HAVE another baby. After the pre-E and the HELLP, it was strongly advised I not go at the baby birthing experience again. And while that first go at baby birthing was not a great go and it would be nice to get it right....that's not going to happen.

Chicken would have to get pregnant. Chicken has no desire to be pregnant. Chicken already has bio kids and well....Chicken would be a lousy pregnant woman and I have no desire for her to be pregnant either!

I'm 42. I'm old enough already with the 2 I have. I have tons of energy (for my age whatever that means)--more than Chicken--but I want to move forward. While I remind myself to live in the moment, I am looking forward to all of the things I want to do with them and places to go. There are many adventures waiting. I don't want to start all over and keep waiting for another baby to 'be old enough' or 'big enough'. I hope that doesn't sound selfish, but I'm loving this toddler age and the possibilities. I love my family of 4 just as it is.

We are done. Chicken got a little panicky as I ripped up the bill and squeaked, "Oh, but I want to hold a little baby again!" So I reminded her that we can go hold someone else's!

It feels good to just make that decision and agree that our family is complete.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

And Just Like That, He's Done

It's so his personality. I shouldn't have been so surprised. But in the morning and afternoon he came running with his usual excited grunted 'oh-oh's' when I asked if he and his brother were ready for "Cafe Yum Yum" and the very next time Whoop Whoop poked my nipple, laughed and said "no-a" shaking his head.
Can you say devastated?

They'd both had a little 24 hour something-something and I thought (hoped?) it was just an icky tummy. He'd vomited once and maybe it's like when you're getting the flu anyway but you just ate sushi and then you puked and oh god, puking up sushi is the WORST and then you never want sushi again even though it really wasn't the sushi that made you sick? Yeah, so maybe he puked and was all like, damn breast milk tastes like shit coming up. And maybe he'd get over that thought and go back to the booby?
But no.
He did not.

And in the morning he was a hot mess. Kids like routines. They like knowing what's coming next. Now his world was turned upside down. Never in his entire LIFE has he woken up and not nursed. Never! (ok, there were probably a few bottles in there but you get the idea). He didn't know what to do with himself and thrashed about the living room with Chicken trying to figure out what to do. He just didn't know 'what' he wanted. We tried milk, we tried food, we tried bringing him over to me in the bed where I was nursing Grunter (which really infruiated him) and finally over the course of the next days....we discovered singing "ba ba black sheep" was the ticket, followed by a cup of milk and singing the entire book of nursery rhymes. Whatever works.

And by day three of him refusing to breastfeed--oh god I tried, I basically walked about topless and flung my tits in his face when I could--I had myself a good cry.
I felt (feel?) so rejected. It's just....HIM? Really? He was the one who could stay on my breast all day long if I'd let him. He was the one we were worried we'd have to wean before kindergarten! And so suddenly! There was no warning. That's just his style. He's an abrupt kind of guy. As Chicken remarked, "He's going to break a lot of hearts."

I miss our time. He is so busy, busy, busy my smiley tornado. He doesn't stop or sit still and this was my time--at least 3 times a day--to lay down and relax with my babies. I would lay on my back on the bed with one in each arm. I could kiss the tops of their sweet little heads and we'd chill out for a good 30 minutes every single morning. It was an awesome way to wake up. I miss that I never got a photo of that or a video of him getting so excited for it.
It will never happen again.
He stills comes over and touches it or puts his mouth on it or just laughs and shakes his head. It's like he finds the idea completely crazy.

I miss him snuggling in my arms and nuzzling at my chest. I miss him looking up at me with those big brown eyes and those long eyelashes.

But something interesting has happened....Grunter, who was a pretty carefree nurser...has decided to nurse with more frequency and for longer periods of time. In fact, the day after W2 quit, but came over to investigate--Grunter reached over and pulled his hair! That's never happened before. Grunter learned very quickly that he had me all to himself and wow is he ever taking advantage of it! Babies are so smart.
So this is good. I get lots of snuggling and one-on-one time with my Grunter. And he needed that, I know. I guess this was how it was all supposed to work out.

Nursing a toddler has seriously been one of the most rewarding and FUN things I've ever done. I look forward to it every day. I LOVE IT.
I never thought I'd make it breastfeeding twins past a few months--if that. I had no goals set, I was just taking it day by day. I've had every kind of problem I can think of, but I kept going. And once I hit a year, I had no intention of stopping. Once they were crawling and walking over to me, my heart burst over and over.
They want me. They need me. My body. I can do this. So many things I couldn't do, but this--I can do this! The bond I have with them is amazing and I am so happy I just kept going.

Whoop Whoop weaned nearly 2 weeks ago and since then I swear his hugs have gotten stronger and his kisses more frequent and longer.
My colicy baby. My baby who cried so long. My baby I was so scared I wouldn't bond with.
Oh how he loves to hug and kiss me.
I can't even count the number of hugs and kisses they get every day.

Now when we wake up, Grunter nurses with one of my arms wrapped around him and W2 drinks a milk cup while I read him a book with my other hand. You adapt. You figure it all out. It all keeps changing, but it's all good. There's dried milk on my sheets and I never thought that I just wouldn't care. But I really don't.
I love them more than I ever thought possible.