Eh. Maybe Not.

I think I confused some of you...I'm not home yet. I'm still in Thailand.
But I will be home in 4 days which should be cycle day 8.
Should be.
But I still haven't started my period. Not even a hint.
I've never been this late. Ever.
So all of those carefully laid plans in my last post? I'm not feeling so confident anymore.
Maybe I was just too late to this baby game to play.
If I can carry K's baby, that would be great, but if not.....well. I don't know.
What's meant to be will be.

It's hard to believe I'll be turning 40 in 2 months.
Oh well, it could be worse.
It can always be worse.

Right now, I'm looking forward to going home, having clean clothes, not sweeping gecko poo from my cabana floor 3xday and no mosquito nets. Small things in life, but very important.
Mostly, I'm looking forward to being with my baby again.

You'll hear from me on a regular basis back here soon...

Decision Time

If you haven't been following along with me on the travel site, that's where I'm blogging these days.
http://www.travelblog.org/Bloggers/Puffstuff/
I made a decision while I was in the silent retreat. Here's my plan: my cycle is back to normal, no more weird wonkiness and I felt my ovulation right on time. This is all really good news.
I have a box full of meds waiting for me at home. I've decided to use them and give this IVF ONE LAST SHOT. We have just enough sperm left for me to do this and still have 2 vials left for K to do IVF/egg donor.
If I have another bad response to the drugs...well, then I'll know for sure, won't I?
If I have a good response and proceed ahead, the transfer would be on April 30th.
April 30th would have been my due date.

Still Alive in Thailand

Hi Everyone,

I just wanted you to know that I am alive and well. My period came at the best time--on the flight to Qatar. Ha. At least it's back on the regular cycle. We'll see what next month brings.
I had the opportunity yesterday to meet a wonderful Dutch couple--they are both almost 70 and fascinating--we were talking about everything and me trying to get pregnant just came out...
They confided to me their daughter has done IVF and wanted to hear all about my process.
It was a great exchange and I really just wanted to give them a big hug. When we departed at the bus station I almost cried.
The days are going quickly. I will soon head to the silent meditation retreat.
There are a lot of things going through my head and I really feel like I'm not going to make this baby. But I think I can have K's baby.
It's a hard decision to come to, but one I'm getting better at accepting.

I am thinking of you all. I skimmed through my reader quickly and was happy to finally see some good news out there.
Wishing you all well.

Travel Link Posted Again

The first link was broken.

Here it is again.

The Goddess is Smiling Even Tho AF is Nowhere to be Found.

Hello again.  We have been extremely busy here in Pufferland.  Much busier than when I actually had a job.  Anyway....

Where to start?  Well, life is good.  No, scratch that, life is Great.  K calmed down a lot about the job situation and everyone knows the Puffer is very resourceful and now no one in the family is worried.  It's nice when people have faith in you and put the spreadsheets away.

I feel like I'm at a big crossroad.  Which way to turn?  I need some insight and clarity.  I need...to get away.

Oh yes, you saw that coming, didn't you?  Well, I am on a break and AF is late and this cycle was a bust anyway.

I've got no TTC plans coming up, I've got no job to go to and K is working on a project from home...so the timing is great.

K has known from the very beginning that I get itchy; I have a gypsy soul.

I thought I would head to India and go to an ashram for the next month.  But that didn't pan out in the end and all signs kept pointing me back to the place I love the most.  So, I'm going back to Thailand.  I found a 1o-day Buddhist meditation retreat.

I think it's going to be the hardest thing I've ever done.  Silent for 10 days.  That's a lot of meditation.  But I'm really looking forward to it.  The rest of the time I'll spend in the jungle and on the beaches, my two favorite places.

K is an absolute doll and is very supportive of my trip. She thinks it's great I like to do all of these crazy things by myself.  I couldn't ask for a better partner in life.  She really gets me.

But you didn't come here to read about my travels.  You came here to read about my journey TTC.  I don't know where that journey is going to take me.  It's looking more and more like my eggs are fried.  Since we have the option of K as my egg donor, I really feel that's the way we'll go.  

The thyroid meds are working their wonders!  I feel great!  I didn't feel bad before, but WOW, I feel so much better.  It's really incredible.  So, I feel good about the future.  It will all work out.  It's out of my hands.

If you do want to read about my travels, I'll be posting on a separate travel blog.  

Here is the link:  www.mytb.org/Puffstuff

I'll be following all of you from the road when I can...and wishing everyone BFP's.  Be back in the Springtime...

xoxo Puff 

Howl

Yesterday, I came home to K who had pretty much all but created a powerpoint and excel spreadsheet to 'see where we are' and 'what needs to happen now' and of course inquired whether I had 'formulated a strategy for the job search'.  She wanted to make sure I would do more cleaning and cooking now that I'm home and had already started making a list of "Times are Tough" dinner menus.  Whoa Nelly.  Can't a girl just sit on the couch for awhile and process things?  I mean, it had only been 2 hours!

K is a consultant, this is what she does.  I just laughed at her and told her to chill out.

She's freaking out big time, but I'm fine.  Really.

I've rarely mentioned my job on this blog, but I didn't like it, I was under-utilized and I was glad to go.  I really do believe this was a (insert cliche) blessing in disguise.

The first 3 things I thought when I was called up to 'the office':

1. Yeah!  I don't have to move to that crappy cubicle! (the move was scheduled for this Friday)
   
2. Yeah!  I don't have to go to the all-day team meeting Wednesday where I have to pretend to be excited about data!
   
3. Damn.  No more free office supplies.
   

This has been a job that I kept because I knew I was trying to get pregnant and it worked well with my schedule.  The hours were flexible, no one cared if I came in late...or not at all.  I've had 5 managers in 2.5 years and our team has had road blocks at every turn trying to get projects greenlighted.  I was the only remaining team member left.  Everyone else had either quit or been laid off.  

To say I was often not busy is an understatement.  Last summer my 2 other co-workers and I unofficially decided we would work part time...and no one noticed....

So seriously, don't feel sorry for me.

I have been wanting to quit for a long time but kept thinking "but surely I'll get pregnant soon..."  Eh.  Not so sure anymore.

The universe just gave me a swift kick in the ass and lit a little fire as well.

It was time to go.  Past time.

And yes, the economy is in the crapper, but there are still plenty of jobs out there in NYC.

I got a bit of severance and I have all the baby money saved up, so that equals over one year's worth of living expenses.  Yes, I wanted that money to go towards a down payment on a house (condo/co-op), but if we have to keep renting, so be it.  K is the main breadwinner and it's much better that it was me being laid off and not her.

Funny thing:  It had been announced that we were having a very important national call.  Everyone was gathering in conference rooms to listen in but I (and a few others) opted to call in from my desk.  As soon as they said they'd be doing layoffs in the afternoon, I immediately starting cleaning off my hard drive and emailing all my files to myself!  Ha!  I KNEW.

Also, during the 'talk' with the director (who I have only worked less than 2 months) he said that I should not tell anyone that I'd been laid off just yet.  WTF?!  I looked at him dead pan and said, "When someone walks down 'the' hallway right after a conference call where it has been announced you're laying people off, trust me, everyone knows.  It's like Dead Man walking out there." (there were 15 of us yesterday)

He didn't have anything to say after that.  Weasel.

I told everyone.

My friends were having a dinner party last night (good timing for me!) so I had the opportunity to drink wine and stand on the balcony of the 18th floor and howl at the moon as it rose over the east river.  It was a gorgeous full moon and I do declare: howling on a balcony just as good as screaming in a car.

Thank you Fab C, for joining in the howl!

Full Moon Madness.

I've been laid off. Just like that.
I've ruined my cashmere twin set with the stinky sweat.
Going home now.