Thursday, February 5, 2009

Dream a Little Dream

Last week I had a dream that I'd been kidnapped by two men.  One was the really bad guy and the other one (representing my two abusers as a child) was bad, but more like "I don't think we should be doing this" but doing it anyway bad.
I kept trying to run away and scream for help.  I screamed and screamed but no one could ever hear me.
Once, I got close enough to a lady (representing my mother), grabbed her arm and pleaded with her to please help me.  Get me out of here.  She looked terrified of me and shook my arm off, and ran away.  I was left in tears wondering why no one would help me.  Why?
In the end, I escaped but I was all alone.

You might say I'm feeling a bit helpless in all this right about now.

The problem with living in this city is that you feel like there's nowhere you can scream.  I remember living where I had a car and sometimes I'd just get in the car to drive and scream.  It felt so good.
We're renting a car and going upstate to ski this weekend.  I think I'll find some time alone to take it out for a spin and scream my head off.  

8 comments:

wishinghopingpraying said...

I am so sorry, for the dream and for it having happened. I hope you get to scream and that it helps.

Lizzie said...

Oh, honey. That's awful. I hope you get to scream this weekend. Love you.

word to your mother(s) said...

I, too, am sorry for the horrible dream. I understand the need to get away and be alone in empty space. I go hiking quite often and it's incredibly cathartic. I hope you get some good screams out this weekend. Much love to you and yours.

tbean said...

So sorry for the awful dream. You are not alone babe. We're here with you. hugs

mulberry said...

if you can't wait till you are out in the wilds or in the car alone... put on some music and scream into the pillow on the couch... you can even kick and pound if you are laying down on your stomach at the time... not the same as letting it flail out into the wind, but perhaps a way to let it out sooner. xo

addingbaby said...

That's a terrifying dream. I hope that a weekend away helps you get some of that emotion out.
Thinking of you.

queerstork said...

What a horrifying dream. Definitely speaks to the helplessness you're feeling.

Make your way out to Astoria Park near the Triboro Bridge. It's where I used to go to scream. No one will notice and, if you scream in the direction of the bridge, you might get a nice echo.

Enjoy your ski weekend! I hope it provides some relief.

eeney meeney miney mommy said...

Ouch. That is brutal.

I love the dead silence that you feel in the snowy mountians and I love driving when I am upset. I hope you find a deserted snowy clearing where you can let it all out.