Two Becomes One: Meet Chicklet

I've been very anxious this past week wondering what's going on 'in there'. I have had no morning sickness to speak of and very few 'signs' that I'm pregnant at all.

There have been twinges 'down there' and some almost-but-not-quite cramp-like feelings that come and go.

Tittzenhurten has subsided and been replaced by Tittzenhugen which my wife is extremely appreciative of. I rather like looking down at cleavage myself. I catch myself thinking "wow, your tits look great!" I'm a 32B, so I'll take some more cleavage, yes please.

Oh, and I've eaten at KFC twice in two weeks. WTF?!? I've walked by this KFC for 5 years and have not once opened those fried chicken doors, but now? This could be a fried chicken pregnancy. So very weird.

But overall, I've been feeling that there were two...and now there's just one. I have not felt like I'm going to have twins.

There was a part of me, after the initial freakout, that became rather intoxicated at the idea of having twins. We talked about and of course, we could do it.

It sounded exciting and well, who doesn't love a two-for-one special when you're paying this kind of money for a baby?

Realistically however, I am one of those women who never has secretly wished for twins. For starters, I'm small. Very small. I'm 5'2, 105 lbs with less than 4 inches between my ribcage and pelvic bone. Fitting in two babies on any frame is less than comfortable, but with me, I really wondered if bed rest and extreme pain would be in my future as well as medical intervention and a C-section.

I was not looking forward to a twin pregnancy, but as with all things in life, I knew I could handle it if that's what the universe handed me and I knew I would be thrilled and grateful beyond belief for 2 babies.

Last night I said to Chicken, "I think there were two, but now there's only one". I just felt it.

And today...

I present to you.. our Chicklet:

Indeed there are two sacs, but one much bigger and only one tiny, flickering heartbeat.

Upon confirmation that there were not two, empty, dead baby sacs in my uterus, I actually belted out, as if I were auditioning for 'Young Frankenstein', "It's ALIVE!"

Chicken was there with me, squeezing my hand and smiling with relief. She never really had any doubts there was something wrong, but me, I was scared shitless. Actually, that's totally true. Before they did the ultrasound I had to poo. My adrenaline was pumped up so high I thought I might actually be having morning sickness because I felt like vomiting.

Whew. We are, naturally, both a little sad that we had two and one left us. But we are also relieved and believe that what was meant to happen--happened.

One baby. Here we are. 6 weeks to the day. I am so incredibly happy. I feel like I can breathe a little easier now.

And yes, we weren't going to have a scan until 7 weeks...but I insisted.

Beta #2

16DP5Dt = 3713!

Could be twins...could be a singleton. There's no way to tell at this point!
I thought I'd get my ultrasound next week at 6 weeks, but no.
We'll have to wait until Monday, July 6th when I am 7 weeks.

I don't have to go to the RE for an entire 2 weeks?! Crazy shit this is.
But I guess if they don't want to see me...it means I am A-OK and can just be pregnant.

Wow. I'm pregnant. I have to tell you--it doesn't seem real yet. When will that happen?

I'm off to go visit my friend and his 4 month old twins now. You know, just in case I need some practice.

Want a Midwife in Manhattan? Call BEFORE You Get Pregnant.

My blood is boiling right now and I am in serious disbelief.  I'd heard that I needed to 'get started' on things quickly in this city--but seriously?!

I called the midwife practice of my choice 2 days after I found out my beta.  I'm 3rd on the wait list as they are full for February.

I don't see how this could even be possible!

But apparently some (sounds like most) women call when they are TRYING.  As in, I should've called on the egg retrieval date--just in case.

New York City is really getting to me in so many ways and this is just one more example.

And it's pouring rain--again.

Tomorrow morning we leave for an upstate trip to the Adirondacks and Lake George.  Please, please let there be sun!!

Thanks for all of the questions--you came up with some really good ones and I'm going to tackle them in later posts.

Funny That

I know of five couples who are expecting twins.
Two of these couples live far away and they are due this summer.
Over a month ago (longer?) I bought baby gifts for them and...meant to send them.
But I just didn't. Couldn't.
Today, I was able to write those cards, wrap those gifts and send them in the mail.
Funny how a BFP can change a simple act as this.

I'm trying to be nonchalant about everything and have decided I'm not going to go in for another beta until Monday.  I didn't even pee on a stick today.
For now, I'm going to try to just be pregnant. I want to enjoy this and be happy and while yes, I'm scared that something bad could happen...mostly I don't think it will. I need to believe that.
I feel good about this. Really, really good.

You all left so many comments, well wishes and congratulations it humbled me. I had no idea so many of you were reading along (and those are just the ones who commented!). I know most of you through your blogs, but some of you had me scratching my head thinking "huh?! you're reading my blog?! fancy that!" Either way--thanks.
This blog has been one of the best decisions I've ever made and I hope you'll keep reading even though it's sure to change.

In fact, let's do this.  Since I really don't have much to say right now that isn't pregnancy related and yet nothing really to report--what do you want to hear?  What have you always wished that Puffer would blog about?  Any burning questions about the Chicken?  Life in NYC?  Traveling?  I'm game!  Ask away!

xoxo
Puffer

Did You Hear the One Where the Chicken Knocked Up the Pufferfish?

And her beta at 9 days past a 5 day transfer (that would be 14DPO) was...

318!!

Holy Shit.  

As the nurse said, "You're very pregnant."

She actually called me at 2pm, but told me that they didn't need to see me again until next Monday. 

An entire week??  Are they crazy??!!  Don't they know I'm practically peeing on pee sticks every hour??

So, I put in a call to my RE who just called back and said yes, it's standard here, we don't need to see you for a week.  Your beta is very strong and everything seems to be just fine.

"But you wouldn't turn me away if I just turned up and offered my veins to the nurse, right?"

He chuckled a little bit and said no, they would not turn me away.

If I can hold out, I will, but if not, I'm going to compromise and go in on Thursday morning for another beta.

Oh and when I asked him, "I know you can't tell from this number if it's a singleton or twins, but what do you think?"

His answer scared the shit out of me. 

Is there something in the water here and here in NYC???  Am I next to join the club of "where the hell do we put two babies in 900 square feet of space?"

I am relieved beyond belief and scared all at the same time.  

We were talking about twins earlier this weekend and I remarked "well, the universe has never given me more than I could handle" to which Chicken replied, "yeah....but you can handle ALOT."

Well said Chicken, well said.

I can handle one or two.  I won't be the first tiny thang to carry twins.  I just want a healthy pregnancy and baby at the end of it.  I'm getting ahead of myself here....

I'm a bit dumbfounded right now and in shock--thrilled beyond belief, but also quite surprised--even with all those pee sticks--that this really worked.  We have made a baby.  I am pregnant.

A Tale of Pee Stick Darkening Lines...

Sorry to keep you in the dark so long! We tried to go about our business over the weekend, running errands and having fun.

Friday night, we bought a dinner picnic and walked to Chelsea. There is a new park, the Highline, that just opened last week and we thought it would be a great place to watch the sunset and have dinner. We were not disappointed! It's an amazing space and I am dazzled at the architect's vision for this old above ground railway. I can't wait to see the rest of it.
Unfortunately, on the walk over, we were both swayed by the Toasted Marshmallow Shake at Stand (oh ice cream how I've missed you...) and we each decided to screw the sugar ban and get one. About an hour later, I started having some cramping and thought "Oh No! Sugar is Satan and I just killed the baby with an overdose!" or....I could be having gas. Eh. Anyway, we decided to call it short and take the bus back home as I was scared of walking across town again at that point.

My acupuncturist (and doula) assured me (and the darkening line) the next morning that some cramps were perfectly normal as my uterus is going though all sorts of changes right now. She gave me the green light to walk as much as I wanted unless I was having pelvic pain. Since I tend to walk alot, this was great news--but all the same, I'm still scaling back a bit for now and also going a bit slower than I normally do.

Saturday I was hit with the fatigue that can only be referred to as "I have to take a nap right NOW". So I did, and it was fantastic! Nothing like a Saturday afternoon nap in the sunlight with a cat curled up on you.
We were supposed to meet some friends for dinner, but I was wiped out and Chicken started her period, so we chilled out at home.

Sunday, the line darkened yet again...and I woke up thinking "I need to eat something NOW or else it won't be pretty". Not nauseous, just immediately hungry.
We are part of a greater NYC bloggers group that meet once a month and this was our 1 year anniversary brunch. We had a beautiful morning walk to the West Village where we got our monthly dose of good friends and food. Plus, this wonderful woman passed on her pee sticks to me so I have more things to pee on now!

That evening, as we headed to the UWS for a wedding reception, I realized that from now on I might need to leave the house with some almonds or a Kashi bar in my bag . By the time we got there, I barely made the rounds of hello's, before devouring the buffet table...and sadly watching the tuna tartare being passed around without shoveling it in my face. Goodbye raw fish. We will meet again, but please, not for a long time--say nine months or so?

So...here are the pee sticks for your viewing pleasure. So dark. So reassuring. So Lovely.

The top one was Sunday afternoon at 3:30 when we'd gotten home from brunch.  The second one was about noon today while waiting for the beta call to come back....

Still waiting...

It Always Happens This Way at 6dpt, Doesn't It?

You write a post about how it's all over and there's no chance....and then...

YOU GET FAINTY MCFAINT.

Yes, my friends who did not give up hope, I just peed on a stick and got a faint PLUS.

For today, I am PREGNANT.  I will pee on another stick Saturday and Sunday and then Monday we'll find out just how pregnant I am with the beta!!!

I think the baby was just waiting for Chicken to get home (which she did last night) so we could be all be together.  That was the plan all along.

Me:  OMG, look at this.

Chicken:  What is it?  Oh this one's different.  What does that mean?  Did it work?

Me:  It worked!  It's faint.

Chicken:  Oh!  OK, I'm not going to get too excited yet (trying to protect her heart)

Me:  NO!  Get excited!  I need you f*cking excited! (heart on a platter)

Chicken:  Oh!  I'm very excited!  Very excited!

WOW.  Here we go again.  Please let this one work.  Stick baby STICK!

Tittzenhurten

Which around here we joke is German for "my tits hurt".  Sorry German speakers, no offense (Berit, don't be mad!).

But even with all of the tittzenhurten, which started exactly one day after transfer (but at that point I'd already been in the progesterone for over a week with no tittzenhurten going on..so who knows what all this mean...) I'm not feeling it.  I'm not.  I want to.  But I'm not.

Why?  Because I went crazy with Google and saw that women were testing 4dpt and 5dpt and getting positives so I did something completely impulsive and uncharacteristic for me.  I am not an impulsive person.  I'm that lady that is swayed by absolutely nothing as she stands at the check out counter waiting my turn.  But at 3:30pm yesterday, 4dpt, I deliberately walked into my bathroom and peed on a stick.  Which was negative.

And then I woke up at 3:30 during the night last night and did it again.  Negative.

I'm out of control, I'm telling you.

In addition to the tittzenhurten, I feel every freaking twinge there could be and go back and forth over whether it's implantation or gas or all my imagination.

Have a been a little bit more tired?  Maybe.  Or maybe it's just that NYC has been blanketed by damp, cool, sunless, rainy weather.  So, you know my mood is just fucking spectacular as I not only don't have my wife to help get me through this week but I don't even have any sunshine.

If this doesn't work, I really don't know what I'm going to do.  I'm scared of myself right now and how much of my life is riding on this.

Please let me be pregnant.  Please let those negatives just be proof that it's a singleton instead of twins and that's why it's taking a little longer to process.

The universe wouldn't be this cruel, would it?  Unfortunately, I know that answer all too well as some of you do too.

Oh, and none of the blasts made it to freeze.  None.

I Hope You Packed Your Pistol

For the past 6 months I have had the luxury of Chicken working from home on an internal project. She hasn't had to travel anywhere! Since I've been home from Thailand that means we have had 2 months of being together 24 hours a day, mostly in p.j.'s.
All good things come to an end.

The project ended right as Chicken started stimming and she was staffed on a new project focused on Latin America. Luckily, they let her work from home until the egg retrieval, but 2 days after--off she went. Back into the big work world of wearing real clothes and paying for dry cleaners.

Mainly, she'll be working from D.C.--which is great!--but she also may cover such destinations as: Argentina, Mexico, Brazil, Peru and Miami. Heh Heh. I love it that Miami is part of Latin America.
All of these (except Argentina) are countries we've been to with a backpack and a bus. No big deal.

So you can imagine the surprise when she requested transportation information for this week's country and was told, "You don't have to arrange that. We'll have an armored car and an armed guard waiting for you at the airport. They will take you directly to the hotel. You are to take all of your meals at the hotel and not leave for any reason. If you should be kidnapped, the company will pay your full ransom."

Lovely. And here I was thinking, "Hey, Mexico City! Cool!"

She's decided to wear jeans on the plane tonight so she doesn't look like a business lady. Wish Chicken luck. She had bad food in the airport and was already peckish.

Conversations in Pineapple Land

"Thanks for cutting up the pineapple baby, you did a great job!"

Takes bite, super juicy, yum...realizes this pineapple is too yummy because there is no core.

"You didn't keep the core?"

"You need the core?  I didn't know you needed the core??"

"Babe, you did.  I always eat the pineapple with the core."

"But I thought that was just when you were trying to get pregnant?"

"Um, I AM still trying to get pregnant!"

"Oh.....right."

I love Chicken, but I need to remind her transfer does not equal pregnancy.

I have now been served a separate plate of pineapple core only.  That should taste great.

PS--Bed rest/taking it easy sucks and I am a horrible patient.

I am the Hatchery

We had 6 make it to blastocysts.

Of those, we transferred 2 of the best looking ones.

We'll find out tomorrow if the 4 remaining made it to freeze.  It would be great if they did, but at this point, it's all out of our hands.

Chicken wasn't able to be in the room with me for the actual transfer, but we were able to be in the recovery room for 30 minutes until I was discharged.

In the elevator down, she said, "There's two in you."

"Yep."

"Holy Shit, we could get a baby out of this.  Did you know that?"

"Yep."

"OMG, this is crazy."

Hee hee.  I think it just hit her.

They gave us a 60% chance success rate, with a 40% chance of twins.

Beta is 6/15, a Monday and Chicken will be traveling.

There are two pee sticks in the bathroom.  Fully expect me to pee on them next weekend:)

It's been a very, very good birthday!

The Answer Came Knocking at the Door.

Literally.

Chicken asked me to be home today between 2-5pm because there was a delivery I needed to sign for--something for my birthday.

At 3pm, the intercom buzzed and I let said delivery person up.

I opened the door to find a female delivery person.  Baffling.  

"Where is the package?  Where are the flowers or whatever it is you have for me", I am thinking.

She's not handing me anything.

She has a suitcase and a camera.

"This is weird," I'm thinking, "Are we doing a photo shoot?  Is that what the suitcases are for?  Are we doing costumes?  Damn, I need to wash my hair..."

"Do you have a delivery for me?"  I ask and I finally focus ON the person instead of looking for my package and .......

HOLY SHIT!!!!

She raises the camera and takes a photo of my reaction of seeing her, really seeing her.

My best friend since I was a junior in high school is here for 4 days.

Chicken flew her up for my birthday.

Guess who has a really good reason not to attend family drama birthday dinner??!!

Chicken is the best.  Wow, what a great birthday present.  Thank you wonderful Chicken.

The Transfer vs. The Mafia.

***Updated to add***

Thanks for chiming in.  I don't know what I would've done but I really appreciated all of your experiences and thoughts!  My problem has been solved!

Saturday is my transfer.  It is also my birthday.  And....Chicken's younger brother just happens to be having his 30th birthday party on MY birthday.  Yep.  You heard it right.

In fact, his bf (yes, brother is gay) sent out the 'save the date' to us before Chicken had the surprise party for me--which was the ultimate spoiler as I then knew there was no party on my actual birthday.  

Whatever.  It's fine because look what's happening on my birthday, right?!

Little brother is moving to Paris next week and this weekend worked best for his party.

The entire family, including some cousins are coming for the party.

There is a cocktail party at a private residence and then a private dinner at the chef's table at Resto Super-Fancy.  You get the idea.

Chicken's family--with the exception of Little Brother--does not know we are doing this IVF egg donor cycle.

After all the failed attempts, including the m/c, I have had zero support from Chicken's family.

In fact, Chicken's mom has even said something once like "when are you moving on to using my daughter's eggs?"  They are huggy people and I've never gotten so much as a hug.

So, back in Jan, and yet another cancelled IVF cycle, I decided I would not reveal any more information on 'our plans' because I would rather keep the fam clueless than feel disappointment that I should be getting support from them--especially if it's another fail or something goes wrong even after a positive.

At this point, I don't want to say anything to them until 12 weeks.

Are you still reading?  Thank You.

If I don't go to this dinner, tongues are going to wag.  As in "she's just upset b/c Little Brother is having his party on her birthday and now she's causing a scene."

I feel like I'm in the mafia sometimes, like if you're not totally in with this family then you are completely OUT.

That's a little drastic, but I'm melodramatic and they are New York Italians.

NYU does not believe in strict bed rest.  They have said I can go to the dinner (I would skip the cocktail party).  My acupuncturist says I can go to the dinner--just get in a cab and go.  Have a good time.

I know I can go.  And it will make it so much easier with the family.

But, I am having reservations.

Even if I don't go, Chicken has to go.  Which leaves me alone on my birthday night.  Which sucks.  

There's a cousin staying with us.  What the hell do we tell her??!!

Urgh.  So that's where I am.  Stressing out about averting family drama when I should be stress free and thinking positive thoughts for the transfer.

If I don't go, I have to tell them something.  The best I can come up with is "I have to have some surgery on my lady parts and am on bed rest".

I hate dealing with this drama right now.  I think going to the dinner is actually the least stressful option and I need to be stressfree.  I don't know.

Thanks for listening and if you have any assvice, I'll take it.

Bed Rest or Take it Easy After IVF Transfer?

There are two camps out there...and they seem to be evenly divided.

• Camp One says:  strict bed rest for up to 3 days after transfer.
  
• Camp Two says: "take it easy" as in don't go running or play basketball or get your heart rate up or clean the house, but you can go out to eat and fold laundry and sit up and read a book.  Hell, you can even take a short walk.
  

So, for those of you who have done IVF....which camp where you in and what was your outcome.

This is one of those questions that has no correct answer.

I'm just curious.

If you normally don't comment but are reading along...feel free to post anonymously, I won't mind.

"I've Been Waiting for a Fert Report....

To Come into My Life...."

NINE!!! 2 were immature and 1 had a 3-some and was banned from the group (get it on my friend, get it on!) so we have 9 fertilized--all on their own, no ICSI involved!!

I'm fucking thrilled!
Chicken is like "what's ICSI?"
Sometimes it's better when only one of you knows what is truly going on...that way at least one person is blissfully calm throughout everything.

However, my lab (NYU) does not inform me on a daily basis what's going on with said embryos, so I'll just have to wait.
Chicken suggested maybe that's the universe's way of telling me to chill out about it and just think positive thoughts.
Let Go and Let God.

Personally, I think the eggs felt all your prayers and heard me singing them a song last night and decided to "get down on it".

Saturday, June 6th, 11:30am we have transfer scheduled.
And yes, for those of you that asked, June 6th is my "real" 40th birthday.
Pretty awesome birthday present!

Now off to meditate with my Anji Step 2 and think only positive thoughts.

Lay Eggy Lay

This song was recorded in 1969 (gasp! the year I was born) by Bob Dylan, but I like Gemma's voice much, much better.  The video is actually a little scary, don't know what they were thinking!  But the song is quite beautiful, so just listen, don't look!

Lay Eggy Lay

Lay Down in that Petri Dish

Ah-ah- aaahh

Lay Eggy Lay

Lay down don't you re-sist

Ahh-ahh aaah

The time has come for you to--meet your sperm

You know you want it, just to a-ffirm!

Lay Eggy Lay

Lay Across that petri dish

Stay Eggy Stay

Stay with your man awhile

Until the break of day

Let me see you make him smile

You look so lovely when you--multiply

And the beauty when you--start to divide

Stay Eggy Stay

Stay with your man awhile

Waited so long for the world to begin

You can have your sperm and fer-til-ize

Why wait any longer for the one you love

When he's in the dish--with you

Lay eggy lay

Lay down in your petri dish

Stay eggy stay

Stay while the night is still ahead

I long to see you in a--human form

I long to reach for you just to a-dore

Stay eggy stay

Stay while the night is still ahead

Puffer is Proud of the Chicken

My birthday is 6/6.  That's also our transfer date.

6+6=12

Chicken gave me 12 good eggs.

1+2=3 which would be an excellent number for our total family makeup.

I'll look for lucky numbers anywhere I can find them.

The first thing Chicken blurted out when she came out of surgery was "how many eggs!?!" before nodding off again.

My Chicken is super cute and is now fast asleep in the cozy bed surrounded by cats.

I'm listening to Lilly Allen and doing the egg dance in our living room.

"Sun is in the sky, oh why, oh why, would I want to be anywhere else"

Now...just waiting another 24 hours for the fertilization report.

Thanks for everyone cheering us on and doing the Chicken dance.  We felt it:)