Thursday, June 4, 2009

The Transfer vs. The Mafia.

***Updated to add***
Thanks for chiming in.  I don't know what I would've done but I really appreciated all of your experiences and thoughts!  My problem has been solved!

Saturday is my transfer.  It is also my birthday.  And....Chicken's younger brother just happens to be having his 30th birthday party on MY birthday.  Yep.  You heard it right.
In fact, his bf (yes, brother is gay) sent out the 'save the date' to us before Chicken had the surprise party for me--which was the ultimate spoiler as I then knew there was no party on my actual birthday.  
Whatever.  It's fine because look what's happening on my birthday, right?!

Little brother is moving to Paris next week and this weekend worked best for his party.
The entire family, including some cousins are coming for the party.
There is a cocktail party at a private residence and then a private dinner at the chef's table at Resto Super-Fancy.  You get the idea.

Chicken's family--with the exception of Little Brother--does not know we are doing this IVF egg donor cycle.
After all the failed attempts, including the m/c, I have had zero support from Chicken's family.
In fact, Chicken's mom has even said something once like "when are you moving on to using my daughter's eggs?"  They are huggy people and I've never gotten so much as a hug.

So, back in Jan, and yet another cancelled IVF cycle, I decided I would not reveal any more information on 'our plans' because I would rather keep the fam clueless than feel disappointment that I should be getting support from them--especially if it's another fail or something goes wrong even after a positive.
At this point, I don't want to say anything to them until 12 weeks.

Are you still reading?  Thank You.

If I don't go to this dinner, tongues are going to wag.  As in "she's just upset b/c Little Brother is having his party on her birthday and now she's causing a scene."
I feel like I'm in the mafia sometimes, like if you're not totally in with this family then you are completely OUT.
That's a little drastic, but I'm melodramatic and they are New York Italians.

NYU does not believe in strict bed rest.  They have said I can go to the dinner (I would skip the cocktail party).  My acupuncturist says I can go to the dinner--just get in a cab and go.  Have a good time.
I know I can go.  And it will make it so much easier with the family.
But, I am having reservations.
Even if I don't go, Chicken has to go.  Which leaves me alone on my birthday night.  Which sucks.  
There's a cousin staying with us.  What the hell do we tell her??!!

Urgh.  So that's where I am.  Stressing out about averting family drama when I should be stress free and thinking positive thoughts for the transfer.

If I don't go, I have to tell them something.  The best I can come up with is "I have to have some surgery on my lady parts and am on bed rest".
I hate dealing with this drama right now.  I think going to the dinner is actually the least stressful option and I need to be stressfree.  I don't know.

Thanks for listening and if you have any assvice, I'll take it.


Mommy and Mamita said...

If it was me, I would just go to the dinner and take it easy. I can't really see how bed rest has any real impact on pregnancy outcome, particularly with a 5 day transfer. However, if you go and end up with a BFN at the end of the cycle (I'm hoping that does not happen), you should make sure you are not going to end up kicking yourself later.

Sorry Chicken's family is not being more supportive. I hope the party is not too painful.

Anonymous said...

If it were me, I'd probably ask DW to make excuses (something that revolves around her, not me/you) and both of us not go to the party. Certainly her brother would understand (he's the one who knows the deal, right?). Then you and she could get together separately with brother to wish him farewell (Paris! so jealous!). Neither of you should have to deal with this crap. Who cares if her family gets pissy? They already are without any excuse, right? Besides, in a couple of months they'll know the reason you didn't go :)

Hope you come up with something that works for you both.

Anonymous said...

i'm voting with glamcookie. stay home and relax free of family drama.

N said...

Coming from a family of northern jersey italians, I feel your pain.

Sadly, I think going is the least stressful option, ESPECIALLY with a cousin staying with you. Maybe have a glass of wine with dinner to ward off questions (it'll be okay, really), unless you don't usually drink at dinners with them, and just focus all your good energy on the little babies inside you. No time to deal with their drama.


thebao said...

I can see how short-term, the least stressful option is to go, but I agree with mommy and mamita that long-term, if it turns out to be a BFN, you might be making yourself crazy with "what-ifs" and find yourself resenting her family even more. Let those tongues wag if they will.
I think it's smart of you to not tell them until 12 weeks, btw, just for your own mental health and well-being.

Les Make Babies said...

I did strict bedrest for 4 days after my transfer. My clinic, which has some of the highest success rates (if not the highest) in the world, was extremely militant about this. I was allowed to get up to go to the bathroom and that's it. The clinic actually instructed 48 hours of bedrest, I did more because our transfer fell on a weekend and after spending upwards of $25K on this process, 2 additional days on the couch seemed like a small price to pay. As you know, the transfer worked and I'm due in about a week and a half.

For what it's worth - you guys have been through alot - more than most. Why not play it safe for a few days? You can have a belated birthday party that you won't have to share with K's family's bullshit. I think you guys are poised for a BFP this time around - if it were up to me - I'd do the bed rest and give myself every single opportunity for success. There's too much at stake.

Anonymous said...

Don't go! You've worked too long and hard at ttc to go against your instinct at such a critical time. You don't need to please K's family right now, you need to please yourself and grow your baby. I think this weekend should be all about you being as selfish as you need to be!

Keely said...

First- sorry for the family drama. It sucks feeling like an outcast AND being forced to play along anyway.
If it were me (and I should qualify this as I come from the Yankee tradition of "if you piss me off I will simply give you and icy stare and disappear from your life.") nothing and nobody could drag me there. Schedule yourself some me-time on your birthday and understand that Chicken has this obligation, and it doesn't mean she loves you less, so plan to use your lady-parts excuse and enjoy your night however you like to relax and take care iof yourself, eat well, and use your energy to make babies not deal with family drama...
Sorry you have to deal with this on such a big day.

Anonymous said...

I'm going to vote with the accupuncturist. Get in the cab and go. Take it very very easy. Leave earlier than the rest of the group so that you have a little alone time together before the cousin gets back.

This will clearly be a very different birthday, but I'm hoping it results in the best present ever.

Happy birthday/transfer day early! Thinking good thoughts about both of you and your embryos!

Anonymous said...

I think I would most likely go, and leave early with your chicken. I am sort of a people pleaser though and that would be MUCH less stressful for me. I would also carve out as much of the day, really the entire weekend for you and K to snuggle in bed and dream of a baby or two. In someways it completely sucks that it is also your birthday, but also, it provides a great reason for feeling protective of your time with K. No chance the cousian could not stay with you guys right??? I am excited for this weekend for you. xoxo L.

jersey said...

man... tough situation. im sorry that you are dealing with this crap right now. *grrr*

if it were me, i would most likely put the needs of my family (me, my partner and my growing baby) over the attempt to please people who in the end, will find some other reason to be upset or curt with you. its not like you showing up at the party will cause a sudden, "omg... we love you for coming to this party!! come give us a big hug!!". seems that you are damned if you do and damned if you dont.

so... in the end, i would do whatever you feel is right. and think of the end result...if this cycle doesnt work, will part of you be upset that you went to the party rather than resting? if the cycle DOES work, will anyone even remember that you werent there?

i say spend your birthday with the person who was with you on the day that you were born... YOU!! your partner can go to the party and then you two can celebrate your birthday the next day!

*shrug* thats my 3 cents...

Inlocoparentis said...

Do you (and I mean you personally) want to go to the dinner? I can't really tell from your post. If you do, I say go. If you don't, stay home! There is a thing as too much information in IVF and it can be extremely bad for one's psyche. I had about ten things in mine that were contrary to what I saw online - no antral follicle count, fewer blood draws, no u/s guided transfer, and the infamous retrieval without anesthesia - and I let those things make me crazy. Ultimately the R.E. was like, "TRUST ME! I DO THIS FOR A LIVING!" Do what you want to do and everything else will fall into place. Much love.

Rachel said...

Family drama is the worst, especially when it's the in-laws. I hope you pick whatever makes you feel less stressed, and just tell the family to deal whatever you decide to do). I know IVF is a good deal more complicated than ovulation induction and what works for one person may not work for another, but I did manage to lug my self and stuff to Laguardia, get on a plane to Europe, get off a plane and take public transport and stay in a hostel during my 2ww. And that was the cycle that worked. So pick whatever makes you feel good because obviously that's what matters now.

ps - And I really don't think you have to mention any surgery to the family if you opt out - what's wrong with the good ol' migraine?

Anonymous said...

Seriously? What a pain in the ass! I think my assvise is to go to the dinner and smile like a cheshire cat because you know something wonderful that they don't. Be glowing and lovely (if that is possible after a transfer) and know that you are growing K's eggs in you and keeping that secret from the rest of them. Ha! That'll show them!

Either way though Puffer, I hope you have an amazing and special birthday just like you deserve.

Anonymous said...

Ok, I just read all the advise from other IVF'rs on your last post and maybe I was wrong. In the end girl, you should go with your gut. If you don't go to the party and they are upset, F them. They will feel like asses later on when they realize the reason you didn't go was because you are the vessel for their new grandchildren. Either way though, just take good care of you.