Saturday, June 14, 2008

Official Member of the Itty Bitty Pantyliner Committee

Hello Progesterone Suppositories, meet my new thong pantyliners.
It would've been nice if there had been directions with these bullet-like things, but no.  However, I guess my years of using OB tampons finally paid off.  No big deal getting it in, but my how it does like to leak out.

Whoever came up with the idea of a thong pantyliner, was pure genius!  I used to date this girl who would cut up a regular pantyliner into four separate pieces and make us homemade pantyliners.  Brilliant, eh?!
Did anyone watch High School Reunion this past Spring to see "Kat the Lesbian?"  Well, that's my ex and I declare she missed her chance to make millions in the pantyliner industry.

I refuse to even look at what the side effects these things have b/c I can't stand imagining more symptoms at this point.  I am a little hotter and a bit thirstier, but otherwise that, nothing else.

The IUI went fine, but I still am always second guessing the timing.  I feel like I just keep googling the same exact shit month after month after month.  I had to wait over 30 minutes, but at least in that time I went to the bathroom and found EWCM, so my mood improved a little bit.
I had a different nurse than I usually do and while I don't like her as much as my usual nurse, her technique was great.  I did ask her how my cervix looked, was it wide and open? She replied "cervix's are always open".  Um, thanks, not exactly what I was asking for.  

This cycle has me feeling rather low.  I ovulated very late, I feel like we may have inseminated a day too late and wasted all that sperm.  I have doubts about my sperm donor.    His count isn't as high as I'd like it.  Usually he's at 14-16mil and this time was only 10mil.  That's the bare minimum they have to guarantee.  Despite being reassured that it's more than enough to get me pregnant, I still feel stupid for buying all of the sperm at once instead of trying him out a cycle or two before committing.  It's like getting ready for a blind date and putting a down payment on the future house you'll buy together before you even arrive at the date.

Then I went to my post-IUI acupuncture session and didn't have my regular therapist.  The alternate woman looked at my BBT chart and nonchalantly declared that it looked like I'd ovulated on Day 15.  Alarmed I squeeked, "but I did the IUI 3 days later, they took blood, I had ultrasounds, the blood said different".  She rescinded, but it made me feel like once again, all this money, even the acupuncture, for nothing.
Everyone has a theory and none of them match up.

I want to trust my fertility center.  I really, really do.  They are one of the top fertility centers in the world.  But lately I feel like a second-class citizen because I'm not doing IVF and that's what they do best.  Even with the top facility, an IUI is still a well-timed crap shoot.
As a Dr. (not at my clinic) told one of my friends after 10 cycles, "do you want to get pregnant or do you want to keep trying?"  She's pregnant now, after an IVF cycle.

I'm scared, because if this cycle is a BFP, I've got exactly TWO more tries before IVF.

Here's to another, messier, mind-fuck of a TWW.


Lizzie said...

Ahh, the second guessing... You wear it well. I say go with the EWCM. Fingers crossed for you!!

jessie said...

I think you'll find different explanations from different people and places. SUCH a mindfuck. I don't know how to sort it all out and not second guess yourself! I guess all you can do is focus on the things you have control over? GOOD LUCK!

Tui said...

ooh I could so have written half of this post myself! Especially the trust issues with the clinic etc - we're also second guessing the hell out of the timing.

Hopefully they know what they're doing for both of us this time round :)

Also, love the blind date analogy!

vee said...

Rumour has it those prog bullets are better up the back door so to speak - less leakiness!

I hate that cycle of fret about the timings - even when the deed is done, the mind won't rest about it. Sucks.

And I'm just guessing, but if you get a BFP this time (as you typed) IVF won't be on the cards! ;-))

Good luck.

j.k-c. said...

Oh the timing second guessing - I hate that.
We had such issues with our doc. After our 6th IUI he wanted to move to triggers and/or exploratory surgery and we refused. We had a bit of a contentious discussion during our Clomid check of our BFP cycle. Finally we decided that we needed to time things the way we wanted to and the way we felt was right. Forget the doc, forget the websites, we had the info we needed from them. worked. We got our BFP that cycle. Our doc congratulated us and told us he was glad we proved him wrong. So trust yourself!!!! You know your body best!!!
Oh, and we bought 6 vials of donor 1, we went through it all with BFN, and the first vial of donor 2 worked. I'm wshing you good, good luck!!

giggleblue said...

you know your body better than any doctor ever will! please don't be afraid to advocate for yourself. i'm hoping you won't have to after this cycle.

if you do, take the timing in to your own hands. call your own shots and tell them when you want your iui, based upon your knowledge of your cycles!

fingers crossed for the wait! whats awesome is that we (and by we, i mean dp and i) should know on the same day!

Carrie said...

hey gorgeous! good luck with this cycle. i know that mind-fuck TWW all too well! fingers crossed for you. :)

C&H said...'s as if you were reading my mind! I think Giggleblue is on to something...our bodies know more than any doctor ever will. If only we knew our bodies in the same way, right? ;)

Good luck! I'm sending you positive thoughts...I hope this is the one.

Heather said...

hey there.. Just wanted to let you know that we found your blog! :) It was nice meeting you girls at the meetup! We had a lot of fun...

It so sucks to second guess everything, we've beent there. I hope that you come out of all this with a BFP!

Anonymous said...

I hate the guessing game of it all. I hope the TWW isn't too fretful.

Heather said...

haha. we went over the age thing at the table, maybe you were deep in convo then..we were the youngest there.. as always. haha =)

Yeah, round 2 is coming soon!