Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Too Many Tears

We're having a rough time in so many ways. I have been sick now for over 2 weeks and Chicken for over a week. I thought I was getting better, but two days ago I woke up feeling even worse.
I go into a coughing fit every morning that leaves me dry heaving over the toilet and gasping for breath.
Being sick is hard enough, but being sick, being sleep deprived and taking care of two 5 week old twins--one of them who is a super fussy fussypot--well, it's huge.
We are doing our best to just get by, but these past two weeks have by far been the hardest yet.
I have been sleeping on the couch for weeks because we wake up each other coughing. I cough all over the babies when I'm breast feeding them and feel awful, but so far they are fine and healthy.
Chicken and I are starting to bicker with each other over who is doing more and who is getting more sleep. She is a rockstar, that Chicken and she takes on so much for our little family. I don't know what I would do without her.
I know there are women out there who do this alone, but I don't know how. Are they breastfeeding 8-10 times a day? Are they pumping afterwards? Do they have a fussy fusspot?
If you are out there...I want to know your secrets.
When Chicken has to go out for an hour or two, I truly panic. When they both have a meltdown, there are just not enough arms to go around. I feel so inadequate and overwhelmed.
And then I cry. And cry and cry and cry.

I had my 6 week checkup with my OB today and brought up these situations. Chicken and I are a little concerned with PPD and we've been keeping an eye on 'things' from the beginning. My OB assured me that women with only ONE baby are going through the same thing and to have TWO, plus be sick for weeks on's normal.
It's true that the worst of my bad feelings have been in the last couple of week since I got sick, so I hope that's all it is. They referred me to a shrink in case I want to go that route and I think I might. PPD is no joke and has an even higher occurrence with a twin birth.
My OB gave me the ok to take some cold meds, so maybe, maybe there is an end to this damn cold.

To top things off, we have made the very difficult decision to put our 18 year old female cat, Savvy, to sleep. We've called the vet and we'll take her in tomorrow. She is deteriorating, she weighs only a little over 2 lbs, she has had thyroid disease for years and spends most of the day going back and forth to the water bowl.
She has gone from pooping just outside the litter box to pooping....everywhere. I call myself the poop hunter because every morning I have to find where it is and it's usually in multiple places. It has a scent that will wake you up from a dead sleep. Right now I need my sleep so badly and when this happens, I find myself so angry with her. It's more than I can take right now. We love her so much. I don't want to be angry with her in the last days of her life.
This is a cat who has captured the hearts of just about every human who has been in our house. She has been the best cat. I don't know how 'sick' she has to be before it seems like it's time. That is the hardest decision. But she doesn't feel good. Her quality of life has gone down since the babies came home and we just don't want her to keep suffering.
And so today, we cried even more.
So many tears.


Dani and Dru said...

I am so so sorry to hear about your cat. I had to put my cat to sleep when I was 12 weeks pregnant and it tore my heart to pieces. I do know that he was sick and needed it and it was the responsible thing to do. There will never be a good time for you but for her, she shouldnt have to suffer anymore. Its so hard...and then throw in hormones it makes it worse. BTW I suffered PPD and PTSD from the birth. It was hard but it was helpful knowing other mothers went through the same thing. Its more common than I knew. BIG hugs to you all. We have been sick for almost two weeks now and the only thing keep my head above water is three steam showers a day. xoxo

projectkjetil said...

I don't know what to say. This is too much for any one person, for any one family, and I hope that it gets better soon. I'll be thinking about you as you say goodbye to Savvy, and as you deal with feelings of sadness and panic. You're doing an amazing job of coping.

Casey said...

Breastfeeding is so hard. You are doing a great job. It's so hard to breastfeed 8 or 10 times a day. Or 12. Two babies, I don't know, but I imagine it's as close to impossible as it gets.

I am so sorry about your cat. I had to put my babycat down when I was pregnant and it was awful. It was the worst. I still cry about it all the time.

cindyhoo2 said...

Oh my, you really have alot on your plate right now. I have had a cold for 3 weeks and I have been feeling very sorry for myself about it. If I had to limit my sleep, take care of babies, breast feed 8-12x per day and be on "poop patrol," I might lose my mind. You are one tough mama (even with all the tears). I hope the cold meds help you feel better and that Chicken gets back up and running quickly. I am also glad to hear that you are being gentle with yourself about the potential PPD and SSRI-- I wish more women could be so self-aware.

Lastly, you have my sympathy for your poor kitty. I know the loss will be hard but that you are making the righ decision.

jessie said...

I'm so sorry about your cat! I can't imagine how hard that must be on top of being sleep deprived.

Have you thought about exclusively pumping?

Schroedinger said...

Oh, D. I am so sorry you are going through all of this. You should know that you are doing great, even when it doesn't feel like it. You are doing so much to help your babies grow, and so much to help Savvy have the best life she can... You ARE doing it all, and thank goodness you have Chicken to help. I will leave it to the mommies to give you advice, but I just wanted to say that you may doubt yourself but your a ten times the person you think you are.

I am sorry it doesn't feel like that right now.

tbean said...

Oh sweetie...this post broke my heart. I'm sorry things have been so hard. And I'm so so sorry you have to put your sweet cat to sleep. I think you are absolutely making the right decision and that she is probably suffering right now and you will be giving her peace. But I'm sure it is tearing you up right now and I'm sorry you have to go through it on top of everything else.

There are some nasty viruses out this winter. My wife had one that lingered and lingered and lingered. So I'm not surprised you are feeling crazed. Take as many drugs as you can safely (a nasal spray is what finally helped her...flownase I think?) and just take it one hour at a time. Spring is coming. The babies are gaining weight. In a V. short time, you won't be coughing on the couch while you bf 12 times a day.

And if it really gets too much--def. see the pysch. PPD is no joke and it is good you are keeping such a close eye on it.

You are a rock star. You'll get through this. Really. I promise.

Lizzie said...

hey friend - i am SO SORRY about savvy. big, big hugs. what about a night nurse? even a couple times a week? short term? xoxoxooxoox

anofferingoflove said...

The night nurse sounds like a good idea, have y'all considered that? Hell, maybe a day nurse too?! ;-) Hope you feel better soon

Sunny said...

I'm sorry this is such a tough time. I was just reminding my DH how the first three months of our son's life were purely survival -- and he was just ONE newborn! It's good to keep an eye on PPD. It can be really hard to know where sleep deprivation ends and true PPD begins... if you have scary thoughts, go see the counselor!

heather said...

i think you are doing an amazing job with those precious babies! you are one super mama doing all of that hard work of breastfeeding and pumping. it is such hard work! you're still recuperating from their births and learning how to do all of those new mama things--and to be sick and having to take care of your little kitty all at the same time has got to be so very hard. take it easy on yourself. those first weeks with new babies is so hard. keep your chin up. it does get easier. one day, the fog will lift, and you'll start to gradually feel like your old self again, and things will seem so much better. soon those tiny little buggers will be smiling and cooing, and you will love them even more than you do now. hang in there!

and i'm so very sorry to hear about your kitty! pets are family, and when it's their time to go, it's a very sad time...

reproducinggenius said...

Motherhood is not easy with one baby, let alone two, and when you add the cold from hell (which I believe we had too), the tears are bound to roll. I hope you're able to recover soon. It will make all the difference. I'm sending many hugs to help with all those tears. xoxo

insertmetaphor said...

I'm sorry for the hard times right now - it's so much to deal with. I'm glad you have the psych referral in hand if you want to use it. I'm glad you're both watching out for ppd. This is going to get easier. I'm not sure when, but I'm sure of it.

Oh, the kitty. I wish you didn't have to lose her now. I'm sure she knows how much you love her and it really does sound like it's for the best to put her down. Still, I can only imagine how hard it must be.


K J and the kids said...

OH do I know how you feel. It's safe to say, almost exactly. I let the PPD go WAY too far with my first set. All I can say is....drugs drugs drugs. There is such a stereotype that goes with taking a pill. I'll tell you....taking the pill saved me. And it saves me every day. No wait, it saves my children :) seriously. kind of.

These first couple of months are so hard. And the sleep deprivation just about kills you. Stay strong. Take turns staying strong. Whoever has the most strength to not fight back wins. that time around any ways.

Good luck. You can email me if you ever need to vent or talk. No one should do it alone. :)

Rachel said...

I'm so sorry that things haven't improved. I really hope that they get better soon. I second the other of trying to get a little help if you're feeling overwhelmed when your wife goes out. Maybe asking of any friends have a nanny who has some free time during the day when big kids are at school? Even if you're home, an extra seat of hands for 2 or 3 hours might help a lot.

As for cold meds, I would STRONGLY suggest calling your LC to talk about which ones are best. A couple can dry up breastmilk, and sometimes figuring out which one to take is a huge hassle (I stood in the drug store in CA on the phone with my NYC-based LC as she read off this weird list of cold meds to see if I could find anything before a long flight. Often just the 'flavor' or 'type' of the same cold med affects whether it's compatible with breastfeeding).

Growing up Clangley said...

Do you have anyone nearby that can lend a hand for a couple of hours? You both need a break. Call your good friends and ask them to help. thats what they are for. i hope you start feeling better and i am sending strength and good thoughts for your heartbreak.

Anonymous said...

hang in there. you are doing an amazing job.. unfortunately, it's going to be hard for you to get better fast unless you get a little more sleep. i would say try and get more help.. it's hard with one baby but 2? oh my.. hang in there..

mama bea, bao in the oven said...

Oh no! I am so sorry to hear about how rough things have been (are being). I'm thinking of you.

Shaw said...

I am so sorry that things have been rough. We are here for you all. It is really hard not to feel the way you have with so much at hand. I had PPD for a couple of weeks and it went away w/out meds. If you feel things are getting worse, you should seek therapy! Take it easy.

Inlocoparentis said...

This is so, so hard - and I only have one baby (who is not even a fussy fusspot!) and we have been healthy. You guys are doing an amazing job! On the PPD issue, I was on the fence about it because of BF but finally bit the bullet and started on an SSRI. I feel a million times better - best decision I could have made.

Carrie said...

Just wanted to say I am so sorry things have been tough. :( I'm thinking about you gals.

evangeline said...

So sorry things are hard right now. It WILL get better but it will never be easy that's for sure. 2 kids at the same time - birth children or otherwise - is HARD! We aren't awake at night feeding but awake all night with screaming tantrums, nightmares, the random sleepwalking. I so so so understand about those tears. IS there any way you can get some help short term? Like a night nurse? I know a family who just had twins and had to end up doing that because it just got to the point that it was unbearable. Let me know if there is anything we can do. You're amazing!

OH and i upped my SSRI 2 weeks after the kids moved in.

Melissa said...

Hang in there! You are totally not alone. I can't tell you how many tears I've cried. This is so very very hard. Especially with a fuss pot (which I have as well).

I've also wondered how single parents get through the day. And I'm amazed at how you are doing it with 2 babies. I feel like I can barely manage one.