Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Manny Revisited

Well, that post certainly got some people riled up!
I never meant for it to be so provoking and I really was interested in what others thought.
As for myself, initially I *thought* I would be OK with it. But the more I sat on it and let it sink in, I knew I could never hire a manny.

Here's why:

I was sexually/emotionally/physically abused starting from age 6 until I was 20. By men. All of them from the age of 6-13 were caregivers. They were the ones who were supposed to make sure I was SAFE and instead, well....they really fucked up my life for a long time. One ended up being my step-father. My mother knew he was sexually abusing me (because I told her and begged her not to marry him) but she convinced herself that I was lying and married him anyway. When I fought the sexual abuse, the beatings got worse. I was made to choose my own branch that he would whip me with and I had to strip naked for the beating. Good Times.

I'm still not sure why I'm not crazier than I am! No seriously, I must've been a strong little girl, because no one came around to save me and I just kept on surviving and fighting. Unfortunately I am now in my 40's and my urge to keep fighting to survive is so ingrained in me, I really don't know of another way to live. I don't need to fight anymore. I am doing SO much more than surviving. I never learned the right way to 'connect' with people and I can often rub people the wrong way with my fighter ways. I don't want my kids to end up in the wrong hands--which they can with either sex--but no matter what you might think, the majority of sex crimes and abuse to children are committed by men. There. That's what I think.

I am scarred for life by this. To this day, when I see a little girl siting on her father's lap my VERY FIRST thought is, "He's totally getting off on that. That's how it all starts." Followed by my second thought which is "No, no, no, no, no. It doesn't always have to be like that." Will that first voice ever leave my head? I doubt it. I know it's not rational, but I just can't stop the thought and I find myself looking closely at the man--watching watching for a sign. I am skeptical.
Because of my experience I am less skeptical of gay men, but overall, I would worry.
Right or wrong, I would worry.

I don't want to worry. I don't need more stress.

We are good here. Busy, but good. I still don't have a nanny. More on that later...
And the unchallenge. Good Lord, I still want to catch up on that. Maybe.
Loving Summer. Loving these Boys.
Life is really quite awesome right now.

15 comments:

Caz said...

Experience defines our perceptions of reality and what decisions we would make.

You make the right decision for you.

There are a lot of bad people in the world, male and female but there is a lot of good in some as well.. but as a mom its your right to make sure your comfortable at all times.

Plus who wouldn't want a hot female nanny.

sillywrongbutvividright said...

You know, when I was little I was covered head to toe in eczema, and so had to be covered head to toe in cream every day. My dad told me a few years ago that it used to worry him, having to do that, that 'people' might make assumptions, you know, because medicating the four year old me meant putting his hands on me. It broke my heart to know that it worried him, my relationship with my dad is so pure and sweet it's hard to imagine anyone thinking badly of him and the things he had to do to look after me.

I can totally understand your reaction to seeing men with kids though, it's what your learned.

Of course, there are men on both ends of the spectrum, and Puffer, i'm sorry you were lumbered with the shit. It's all just more power to you. And yes, you made the right choice for you and your family, that is all that will ever matter :) xx

K J and the kids said...

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that this happens and too often.
1 in 3.
It's an alarming number.
I'm sorry that it happened to you. I'm glad that you are surviving.

I didn't keep track after I commented the last time. :)
Heated subject. I suppose instead of thinking that all men are pedophiles until proven innocent. We do need to remember that there are GREAT and WONDERFUL men in this world who can care for children and keep them safe.
Finding that person....if that's what you want....I suppose is when you've got to trust your gut.

for the record once again.
Went for a walk with a couple of my friends last night. J's out of town...and I left my friends son at my house in case anyone woke up.
He's 12. probably full of hormones ;-) I trusted him just fine.

Thanks for asking these questions....I think it helps all of us look at lots of different point of views.

Strawberry said...

I don't blame you at all. Christ, I'm so sorry.

Jen said...

You cannot change your past or your baggage, so only you know your "gut" feelings about things and you have to follow that. No one should judge you for not wanting a manny when you went through so much. I can't blame you and completely understand. Trauma is trauma and we are molded by these experiences. I am so sorry that you suffered so much as a child. It breaks my heart when I hear of abuse. Glad you are enjoying the boys and the summer!

N said...

If I'd had that history, I'd likely have made the same choice. Our experience colors who we are, and while we can know things in our head, what it comes down to is what we're comfortable with, and doing things that are right for our own families. ♥

Anonymous said...

I completely support you and understand where you are coming from. I figure, if I make the assumption that the majority of men I meet fall into the pedophile/abuser category, I will never have to kill someone for abusing my son. I know that women can be abusers too, but am not nearly as worried about that. My son isn't allowed to have sleep overs at his friends house, unless I have absolutely no doubts about the fathers or if there are no fathers in the house. We don't use babysitters. Are we overprotective in this situation? Maybe. I figure its better safe than sorry. Its not something I could ever take back if I make the mistake of trusting someone who isn't trustworthy.

Sorry your mother didn't protect you.

tbean said...

Wow Puff. You are a warrior and a true survivor. Screw the mannys, we need HN2 (hot nanny 2). :)

Next in Line said...

Resilience. You and me both. It is amazing what people can go through and come out the other side.

You gotta do what is right for all of you as a family and seems like a hot nanny is the way to go :)

Kathryn said...

I completely understand. Completely.

Bridgwest said...

I am so sorry that the people meant to love and protect you let you suffer so very much. It should never have happened... and certainly not more than once!!

I understand your position and am pleased to hear that you are at critiquing your initial response because there are lots of loving, trustworthy men out there. As one poster said, it is so hard for good men to care for children, especially without feeling they're being judged. So sad. And none of our caution seems to outsmart the sickos, they just look for victims elsewhere - which might keep our kids safe, but solve much. It seems that tattooing "Paedophile" 2 inches high on their forehead would be a good place to start (since we don't have capital punishment in Aus).

Hope your search for an awesome nanny for your children is nearing successful completion.

The Lesbian Next Door said...

Wow. Thank you for sharing this Puffer. That's some heavy stuff. I was molested by my grandfather for a long time (age 2 to age 11) and I too, have had the same thoughts you do. I try to push them away, but it's tough! My mother also did not protect me. He molested her too, and she still let him near me.

I have even found myself questioning my own father's intentions when he has wanted a hug or put his arm around me. I feel badly about that because he has never violated me in any way - but I cringe when he touches me.

Some people don't realize that even as young a 2 or 6 or any age, those experiences shape us and scar us. Again, thank you for sharing this.

Gayby Rabies said...

I'm so sorry you had to go through so much when you were younger. I would have made the same choice if I were you. I hope a new hot nanny sends in her application soon!

Berit said...

It makes my heart bleed to read these things. What a strong soul you are. I'm honored to know you.

Hope the nanny situation clears up soon...

sillywrongbutvividright said...

Hey Puffer - I have a massive favour to ask you. I just posted a blog entitled 'Little Mel?' and i'd really like some feedback opinions from the gay TTC community... would it be possible for you to stick a link to it somewhere for me? I know, big ask, feel free to say no (but come and give your own opinion!!)
Hope you and all yours are well! :)