Test Drive the Egg Basket

It's hard to look in the mirror and see someone so young and yet have your eggs be so old.

Me and my bad eggs, we're finished.

I know you can't compare making a baby (and the cost involved) to buying a car, but well, yes you can.

I am the lemon.  K is the Volvo.

Why would we keep spending more money to fix up the lemon when we have the chance to drive the Volvo?  Also, keep in mind I come from a long line of lemons and K's family has a garage of Volvos.

Since arriving home (5 days ago) I've been:

• talking with the RE,
• the egg donor program coordinator,
• the insurance company, 
• the billing department,
• the psychologist assigned to our case,
• had my blood drawn to do a gazillion tests related to my thyroid
• set up an appointment for my endocrinologist to review the results of the thyroid testing 
  
• set up all appointments for K to enter egg donor program
• caught up on everyone's blogs

And that's just the TTC-related stuff!  I have been one busy Puff.

We've been looking down this path for so long...we didn't even need to talk about it that much.

It woke me up at 5:30 the morning after I got home and I just got up, starting making a list, looking at the calendar and figuring things out.

There's a possibility we might be able to do this at the end of May, but more probable is the first/middle of June.

While we both know there's no guarantee K has superstar eggs, we know hers are 8 years younger than mine--PERIOD.  So, we're going with that and hoping for the best.

It's good to be home.  Funny thing with K and I--we need no 'readjustment period'.  We each do so much travel and have for so many years...it's like I came in the door and it was like, "oh I'm home again".  Sometimes she'll come through the living room and smile looking at me and say "you're really home!" She's so cute and willing to do whatever it takes--even if she has to carry the damn baby herself--to make our little family dream come true.

Counting My Blessings

There have been quite a few highs and lows this week, the notable high being donated drugs.  The notable low having 10K less for fertility coverage.

Regardless, it is what it is.  Here the deal:  It wasn't United Healthcare that did this to us—it was W.  Or rather, that's who I'm blaming!  You see, with the economy crashing, K's employer (we are covered on the same policy) cut all benefits to all policies for fertility.  Etna, BCBS, United—they were all cut, rather quietly, from 25K to 15K for 2009.

Now, I could get all angry and stressed out and bitter, but I just can't.  What will it accomplish?  Absolutely nothing.  That doesn't mean that I haven't gone over the events of the last year in my head and wished we'd done things differently, ie: GET AGGRESSIVE from the beginning.  That's my biggest regret and always has been. Now that the benefits have been cut I'm really regretting it.  But….what's done is done.  I can't change it.  I am not Cher and I cannot turn back time.

So, I want to only focus on the positive because I need to remind myself just how lucky and blessed I am.

I have never had a single issue with my insurance coverage.  There have been no fights, no benefits denied, no hassle.  That could be explained by what I initially said to them.  Let's just say it's all about how you word it. I am a part of United Resource Network rather than UHC for fertility.  Same Same but Different.  With a few exceptions of trying to figure out which meds are covered and where do I get them, it has been a completely stress free experience.  I had saved up money for years for this process never expecting to have fertility benefits, so I truly feel blessed in this regard.

I have been blessed with an outpouring of kindness and generosity through my blog friends.  People I've met IRL and have become friends have given me meds and people who have only lurked online spoke out to offer me meds.  I can't say thank you enough.

 We are still waiting to hear back from UHC about egg donor coverage.  This is not covered by United Resource Network, but 'supposedly' is covered by UHC.  Now, we just need to know if that means the recipient is covered (that would be me) or if includes paying for the egg donor (that would be Kate).  My RE clinic has never had a case like this where both the donor and the recipient are married and on the same policy.  We are a test case. Should be interesting…that is what we would ultimately choose to do if the will cover it.

If not, K and I each have a 15K lifetime fertility benefit.  That means if it doesn't work for me…she's up to bat. While she offered to carry, the reality that she might have to actually do this is scaring the complete shit out of her.  I have never seen her so truly terrified of something.  It's kind of cute in a sadistic sort of way.  She says things like "why would anyone ever want to be pregnant?" and "I'm not ready to be pregnant!" (to which I smile sweetly and reply, "oh you don't have to be ready right now, just at the end of February in case I'm not pregnant.")

The RE has agreed since we came in as a couple, K does not have to go in as a new patient.  If you've ever tried to get an appointment at a prominent RE, you know this initial appointment alone could set you back months just trying to get in the door.  So, that was excellent news.  She's in and they are ready for her to get straight to IVF. 

I finally, finally got great news regarding the Antagon and Menopur!  It's covered and I still have enough benefits left in my fertility RX coverage (different than the 15K) left that I won't have to pay out of pocket for them.  This is huge since it would've been $2700 out of pocket.  Oooouch. 

Dinner last night was great, but we never made it to the show.  We got lost.  Or rather, we were never lost, but we kind of forgot where the venue was and after walking for 30 minutes in 15 degrees, we decided to walk home instead. It has been so great to have K home for the last month.  She has been cooking wonderful, nutritious meals and we have been having a lot of fun.  I am so much more calm and less stressed out when she's here.  I know she could be called on a travel project any day now, but I really hope not for at least 3 more weeks.

Tonight I have a friend in from out of town, Saturday my aunt is in the city to celebrate her 50^th birthday and Sunday another friend is in town.  Having fun and staying busy is good.

Life is Good.

Choosing the Goods

How is it that we've been looking at donors for over six months now, but we still don't have one picked out. Well, we knew we couldn't really buy in advance and store it at home and we didn't know what kind we needed (yes, it comes in three different washed varieties!) and for awhile we thought we might be using a known donor--K's little brother. But then we ruled him out after we thought we were going with K eggs and my uterus via IVF. Plus, the more we thought about it, we wanted to try to find someone we can both use.

K really does want to have a biological child, she was just much more keen on me having it for her than having it herself!

So, it's come down to the final few weeks and we're playing "pick that sperm donor".

You can play too, by going to California Cryobank! http://www.cryobank.com

We had the perfect candidate picked out a couple of weeks ago, but he was only available in ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology also IVF) and since we aren't doing IVF now...

We needed someone with IUI (Intra-Uterine Insemination) as that is the method we are now going to try.

This is basically a process that puts the swimmers directly in the uterus instead of relying on them getting there themselves--there are no turkey basters here, folks.

It's such a hard decision and I know so many women who end up changing donors after a few cycles, or the donor retires from the program, etc and they end up trying out multiple donors. For the first time though, it's pretty mind boggling.

We are designing 50% of our offspring's genetic makeup. I thought I wanted to have a few different ethnicities in the mix, but as time has gone by, I see that it's not the best choice for us.

We had picked out someone I was totally sold on, but finally realized this child would grow up--probably exotic looking and hopefully gorgeous--but not really looking like either of us at all. We came to realize that it's going to be hard enough to have two moms, why make things any harder?

So, we are picking a donor that gives our offspring the height neither of us have, the math skills I'm sorely lacking, the artistic streaks that don't run in K and enough mechanical and athletic skills to make us both happy. Oh, and the staff said he's very attractive...um, yeah, that helped!

Basically since we both want to use the same donor, I feel like we were looking for US combined in a guy.

Who the hell knows?!

I'm excited...after months of planning and talking about it, it's starting to feel very, very REAL.

Oh The Mind Spinneth

I've been looking at the sticky note with my Clomid Challenge Test scores all morning long.
There is it, a pink square of paper that says "Here they are. Which way do we go now?"

Just as I reached for the phone, my mobile rang and what do you know but it's the good doctor himself calling me to talk about the scores.

My scores are good, they are in the normal range. I'm OK.
Except for that pesky score in December..... The number that set the panic button off and made me realize all of my carefully laid plans had suddenly been uprooted and I was now a bona fide member of the TTC (trying to conceive) rollercoaster.

He agrees, it's a mystery. That large of a jump just doesn't make sense. Since the first blood test was done at my OB/GYN and they outsource to Quest, it's possible it was a lab error. The others were done right at the VEFC (Very Expensive Fertility Center).

Or it could've been the stress that December morning. I was trying to catch a train to Boston and running late, I had to wait almost an hour at the clinic. I'd hadn't had anything to eat/drink that morning, my body was hyper-caffeinated from a giant cappuccino....it could've been a lot of things.
Maybe my body felt old that month and my eggs were saying "don't pick me, I'm no good". I don't know.

Here's a re-cap of the scores.

• January 2007 Score 8
  
• December 2007 Score 21 WTF???
  
• January 2008 Score 6
• CCCT January 2008 Score 12.4

What will get me the quickest, healthiest baby with the least amount of money? That's what it really comes down to.
I'm a logical kind of girl and VID (Very Important Doctor) is a logical kind of guy. We work well together.
It seems logical to me that the answer is....IVF with donor eggs. Specifically, K's eggs which are eight years younger than my own.
While he's not pushing me in any one direction, he agrees with my logic.

Two weeks ago I thought I couldn't use my eggs.
Score says "Egg Finish" "Ovarian Reserve in Short Supply!"
But now...it's a whole new baby egg game.

I now have to figure out if it's a baby I want or if it's my genetic baby I want.
To most women this is probably a no-brainer, but for me....it's not that easy.

The Consultation with the RE, Dr. VID

Trying to Impress Mr. VID (Very Important Doctor).

Everyone told me that I would have no problem getting pregnant. "Oh you look so young and you are so healthy, I'll bet you get pregnant on the first try." I was a bit more skeptical. My eggs don't care if I look my age and I don't think they care that much if I drink wheatgrass at age 38. It's not not they are hanging out saying, "Dude that was so healthy and good for us, we're taking on the chromosonal characteristics of a 20-year-old."

That would be nice, but um, no.

Today was the big day, meeting Dr. VID. He was shorter than I thought. Direct, but in a nice way. I had basically given myself a crash course in Fertility 101 in the three days prior to meeting him since my bad FSH test scores came back last Friday.

Follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH) is a hormone synthesised and secreted by gonatropes in the anterior pituitary gland. FSH and LH act synergistically in reproduction.

• In women, in the ovary, FSH stimulates the growth of immature Graafian follicles to maturation. As the follicle grows, it releases inhibin, which shuts off the FSH production.

High FSH levels

High levels of Follicle-Stimulating Hormone are indicative of situations where the normal restricting feedback from the gonad is absent, leading to an unrestricted pituitary FSH production. Whereas this is normal in women leading up to and during postmenopause, it is abnormal during the reproductive years.

If the FSH level is high during the reproductive years, this may be a sign of:

1. Premature menopause also known as Premature Ovarian Failure

My weekend was spent surfing the internet looking for ANYthing that would give me some encouragement that an FSH of 21 at age 38 wasn't bad news. I didn't find any hope. What I found were three fat letters. I.V.F. (In Vitro Fertilization)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/In_vitro_fertilization

And not just IVF, because a score of 21 is saying "decreased ovarian reserve"....but IVF with donor eggs.

Nothing like bypassing everything and just going for the most invasive thing possible, eh?

Of course, that's not the only option. A 38-year-old with an FSH can most certainly get pregnant on her own and give birth to a healthy child. It happens. If I were with a male partner, I could just 'keep on trying'. But because every time I have to 'keep on trying' it will require doctor's visits, drugs and the purchasing and shipping of donor sperm, those tries end up pretty costly. And it could take a really long time. I don't have a lot of time. I've already been waiting years, I would've like to have started this process a couple of years ago when a little voice went off in my head that said "My eggs are depleting as I stand here".

But, that's not the way things worked. There were a lot of other things going on, like the fact that I was backpacking around South and Central America and didn't really have a job...that prevented me from having a child at that point. We weren't ready. Our lives weren't ready. K was in grad school.

So we waited...for both of us to get our lives on the baby track.

Finally, we both felt it was the right time, we could do this, we were ready.

Only to find out...maybe it's too late.

Maybe it's done before it ever even started.

Maybe I wasn't meant to have children?

I mean, really, what does it mean?

All I do is listen to the soundtrack from the movie Amelie and dance in my living room.

Sometimes K comes out from the office and we dance together or I'll pick up the cat (but he doesn't seem to enjoy it nearly as much as I do).

I can't get enough of this soundtrack, especially the track "A Quai". It makes me swoon. If you haven't seen the movie, you really should.

It's happy and melancholy at the same time.

Mostly, it makes me smile a silly lopsided smile and keep dancing.