Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Opening Up

If you interpreted my nightmare as something to do with me having trust issues; you'd be spot on.
My entire childhood was fraught with people hurting me and my little wall of distrust became bigger and bigger.
It didn't end there. No, it continued well on to my adulthood where I applied the same behaviors and choices I'd been surrounded by my entire life which led to disastrous results.
Somewhere along the way, in the midst of my tumultuous 20's, I changed my life. It didn't happen in a year or two, but slowly along the way I left behind all that I knew and learned a new way of living. I'm better at trusting (and forgiving) than I ever was before and the last 10 "new" living years of my life have been the best.

I'm feeling quite happy and at peace with my life right now, but I am feeling/have felt lack of support regarding the TTC process (not from all of you). I suppose this all comes out in the Clomares (thankfully I did not have one last night).

But despite me not trusting many people (if anyone--fully), there seem to be a lot of folks who trust me and tell me things they don't tell others.
I had lunch today with a new co-worker. She's been here 2 months and I 'thought' she might be pregnant but she was going to great lengths to hide her belly, so I left my suspicions in my head and simply observed her. I'm a great observer.

Yesterday she looked very much pregnant and after a meeting I asked her when she was due.
We ended up making a lunch date out of it...which led to her telling me all about baby-making process which has been a long, hard road for her. After failed IVF attempts, she and her husband made the decision to go with donor eggs and now she's pregnant with twin boys due the end of February.
She mentioned that I seemed to know a lot about the subject (she knows I'm gay) and innocently asked if we were thinking about it.
I froze. I don't trust her. I barely know her. I couldn't do it.
But she did it for me. And not only that, she opened up about work concerns as well. I mean, I've talked to her a total of 10 minutes before this lunch. She trusted me.

I don't know what that feels like, but I hope someday I find out.


Melissa said...

I'm the same way. People have a tendency to tell me lots of stuff about themselves, often times things they would never tell others. I on the other hand keep things pretty close to the vest.

Jen said...

I too, am the same way. I have massive trust issues and really only truly trust one person in this world, whom I know loves me unconditionally; aren't spouses wonderful. Don't beat yourself up...

giggleblue said...

yeah, i get the tell all dumps too, but i hardly ever reveal as much. it's interesting how some people will just tell you everything.

nutella said...

This is so interesting to me. I'll tell anyone just about anything. It's not so much a trust thing for me as a no secrets thing. If someone is actually interested in what I have to say, then I typically ahve no qualms about telling them.

Heidi said...

I'm with you...I trust no one!!!

insertmetaphor said...

It makes so much sense that you'd have trouble trusting anyone after such a traumatic childhood. It sounds like you've made major change in your life already though. You're still so young and there's plenty of time to continue learning how to trust people. You might not be there yet but I'm sure one day you will be able to tell a coworker something personal without panicking and feel like you do trust a few people fully.

sara said...

It is really hard to trust people with this stuff, especially at work. I completely understand. I told a lot of people at my old job that we were trying (what can I say? We had just started and I was naive), and I regretted it. Even though they would "check in" with me out of kindness, I just got sick of the constant reminders and intrusions into something that is so personal and, for some of us, so difficult.