Friday, December 19, 2008

She Won.

7 Wks.
She’s been avoiding my questions for 3 weeks now, but I knew. We share the same cycle. I knew when she was trying because it was the same time I was. I knew when she was testing. And yet, she kept being evasive “oh any time now” “my cycle is a little off”.

We went to a team lunch and she passed on the wine. We ordered sushi and she wouldn’t tell me which rolls she was ordering.
My boss is pregnant. She’s the same age as me, but she’s got fresh sperm. I love my wife and I love my life, but this past year has really made me wish I were straight. Or a lesbian with benefits. Or something.

She’s pregnant. I’m not.
There are SEVEN pregnant women in my office right now. I see swollen bellies and radiant faces every freaking day, but now I get to be around hers. All the time.
It was so hard to be happy and congratulatory to her. I’m sure she saw the cloud register on my face when she told me. And she didn’t tell me! I cornered her and asked her point blank and then she told me.
I thought it was pretty shitty that I’ve been so honest and truthful and upfront with her on everything—and I told her so. She asks questions—I answer. But she wasn’t as forthcoming with me.
I get it, she wasn’t sure, she wanted to be sure…she was going to tell me, she feels really bad. I know, I know.

This hurts. I knew it would be really hard if she got pregnant first. She hasn’t had to go through
ANYthing. No drugs. No ultrasounds. No 10K spent on sperm. She just has sex in a fucking rent control apartment while I spend all my money on sperm that I can’t even enjoy in my overpriced market rent apartment.
I kind of hate her right now. She drinks coffee. All the time. She gave up nothing.

It’s snowing outside and I think I’m going to leave now, walk home and cry.

Please let me be pregnant.

33 comments:

Jackie said...

{{{{hugs}}}}

I'm very sorry. I can't imagine how difficult this must feel.

I really hope that this is your cycle.

N said...

CRAP.


I really hope this one is for you. :hugs:

anofferingoflove said...

oh fuck. pregnant coworkers are the worst. i've had SO many since we started ttc.

my assistant was pregnant last year ~ when she announced her pregnancy after one month of trying (and we were 12 months in and using injectibles), tears welled up in my eyes. i had to get away quickly so i could sob in private.

its okay to hate her right now. (and tomorrow and next month too).

sending you {{hugs}}.

mulberry said...

hoping you are pregnant... sorry that you have to deal with the PB. sucks.

Heidi said...

(((((((hugs))))))

tbean said...

Oh honey. I'm so sorry. I so get it. I really do. And it is just so very very very unfair.

hugs

Malea said...

I know what you mean. One of the girls at work today announced with glee that she was pregnant.Now none of us ever evenheard her mention a him in her life,except for the picture of some dude on her Iphone she says" is her husband but he doesn't know it yet".Ack!

I squeezed out a congrats and a fake smile.How simple she thinks it all is to bring a child into this world lving with her mom and brother in a 2 br apt. What am I missing here? I'd be scared to death....

Joy said...

I think it's perfectly fine to honor your feelings. Fingers still crossed that this is your cycle too. (When do you find out?)

vee said...

That sucks all the harder for being so up close. I'm sorry. And I hope you're pregnant.

C&H said...

oh sweetie I'm sorry. I totally get what your going through. But I really do have a good feeling about this cycle for you. Keep your head up. This month has to your turn. : )

cindyhoo2 said...

Ouch! I know that feeling well. Seems like others should have to work as hard as we do. I am so hopeful that you get your BFP this month.

2girlsandtheirfamily said...

UGH - unfortunately we all know this feeling. We had so many people telling us they were pregnant over the past year and half of our TTC. The hardest was when M's best friend got pregnant primarily because she was sick and using Robit.ussin. We were injecting J with hormones daily and she took some cough syrup! It just doesn't make sense, but you have to stay strong! It's definitely your turn!

Carrie said...

omg...we are totally going thru the same emotions right now. just an hour ago i was almost brought to tears. everyone around me is pregnant, and we just can't catch a break. i was literally thinking life would be better if i were just straight. not that i want to give up my gf, but to have equal rights, marriage, no funny looks when you hold hands, fresh sperm, able to inseminate whenever you want, no drugs or needles....
sigh. it would just be easier. and my mom would be so much happier, too. ;-)

wishinghopingpraying said...

I am so sorry, what crappy news. It really isn't fair. I really hope this is it for you.((HUGS))

journeytowardsourbaby said...

That sucks - sometimes it is just all so damn hard. Hoping like crazy that you're pregnant too.

liberationtheory said...

plus she probably didn't tell you b/c she didn't want to make you feel bad and rub it in your face.

but you're still taking it that way and it's really not a competition.

Travelher and Pufferfish said...

Libby, This is a woman who corners me every cycle and asks me if I'm pregnant. She has asked me 3 times this week when I'm testing.
Make no mistake--if I didn't tell her and was vague, there's no way in hell she would wait 3 weeks to corner me and ask me straight up what the verdict was.
If she feels she can do that with me--and I've always been 100% honest--I thought it was a reciprocal relationship.
So yeah, I took it personally.

I get that it's not a competition, but didn't you want to be pregnant first?
Who doesn't!?

Liberation Theory said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
liberationtheory said...

maybe i'm gonna be a bit different than everyone else, but i don't feel as though she had any obligation to tell you. and i would be plenty pissed if someone cornered me to ask if i were pregnant.

she probably didn't want to tell b/c she wants to make sure it "sticks" before she's blabbing to everyone that she's pregnant.

and her being pregnant really isn't about you. so don't take it personal like she "did" something to you.

i'm not trying to come off harsh and i know you're just venting, but try to put the shoe on the other foot. her situation isn't causing you to not be pregnant. that would be like me talking about how pissed i am at all these ppl with good insurance and clear tubes. i'm not going down that road b/c their situation has nothing to do with me, so why make it personal?

woooooooooooooosa and take a breather.

Jen said...

That totally sucks.beyond.belief. I am so sorry and I can completely relate. Not with having so many preggo co-workers (b/c I am the only child-bearing female at my work) but it seems like all of my friends, friends-of-friends, etc are getting pregnant, having babies and living their lives stress-free, finanically stable and unaware of the fertility realm. This year had sucked and I am pretty much bah-hum-bug. Hang in there...give your wife a hug.

M. said...

lib, what I think you're forgetting is that this woman keeps asking our dear friend for *her* information, while not offering her own. yea, perhaps she is assuming that if travelher isn't asking, maybe travelher doesn't want to know, but then she ought not have *asked* continually...

I don't think it was malicious, but the upshot is still crappy-feeling.

eeney meeney miney mommy said...

Bitches!

I know how hard this is. I used to be excited whenever someone I know got pregnant but now I am just annoyed.

hang in there girl, hang in there.

queerstork said...

It's hard to see everyone around you realizing their dream, when your dream is the same and seems so out of reach.

It's okay to wallow.

liberationtheory said...

i didn't realize this woman was asking you repeatedly about your status b/c that does factor into you all's relationship (for lack of a better term).

but sorry, i can't agree that everyone wants to be first. but hey, everyone's different, i suppose. and it's your blog and you can say how you feel and what you want.

just leaving my two cents since the comments were open.

giggleblue said...

wow.

yeah, i hope you are pregnant.

indigoscot said...

i'm sorry you are having a hard time with your boss being pregnant and i truely hope that you get a bfp this cycle. that being said...when we started trying with me, it seemed everyone was getting pregnant - our 18 yo neice with her second, announced right in the middle of try #1. dp's co-worker with baby #2 and a couple of other friends/co-workers. i was upset and bitter and told dp and she said "it's not a competition to see who gets pregnant first. when our baby is ready to come, you'll get pregnant." so i let it go and was happy for everyone who got pregnant while we were trying and on break. and then i got pregnant. :) i know this is probably not what you want to read right now but i wanted to share.

Eva said...

Wow. That really sucks and I would be pissed as hell. I would also have a hard time feeling happy for her because she kept cornering me. How rude. On the other hand, maybe she she didn't know how to tell you? And I totally get what you mean about the 'friends with benefits' thing, just don't tell Nadia. xo

insertmetaphor said...

Welcome to the horrible world of the pregnant boss. I was really upset that my boss didn't tell me before she made an announcement to the whole office even though we had talked about ttc a bunch and no one else knew.

I'm sorry she beat you. It's a special kind of hurt and it sucks. You have every right to vent about this.

I really hope you're pregnant now too.

Lizzie said...

Oh, shit. The boss. Dreaded and (maybe) expected. But like a knife nonetheless. I'm sorry. Fuck. I've been out of the loop, my friend, just checking in long enough to say I'm thinking of you, and Happy Holidays, and etc. Lots of love. - Lizzie

Sarah at Notes from 2 Moms said...

let me know if i can add you to the hope list

Sarah at Notes from 2 Moms said...

umm yeah i hit enter too fast... here is the link http://notesfrom2moms.wordpress.com/the-hope-list/

A said...

That SUCKS! I'm so sorry. Straight people have no idea what we go through. I actually had a co-worker say I should go out and have a one night stand to save money. And the girl that told me that story is pregnant with twins.

I'm hoping you are pregnant now too!

Mommy and Mamita said...

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. When I first read your post I thought maybe PB just had not told you because she didn't know what to say.. But, given your description of the ensuing stalkerish behavior, it just sounds to me like she doesn't get it. Even though PB hasn't had the added benefit of dealing with ART and all the additional emotional/financial burders that come with it, if she has been trying for a while unsuccessfully, she should have enough of an inkling of what you are going through to behave better. Is there some way to shut her down on a more permanent basis, so you don't need to deal with the constant privacy invasions? Gheesh!!! What a PIA.