Saturday, April 4, 2009

Conversations with the Crazy Lady

"I may have to take the internet away from you."
"No!  I love it."
"But you're spending too much time on it and it's making you depressed."
"Go away."
"Don't tell me to go away!  I'm trying to help you."
"I'm sorry.  I hate this weather.  Where is the sun?  It's so fucking dark.  I hate NYC."
"You don't hate NYC, you are just having a hard time re-adjusting to life here again.  You do this every time."
"I know and every time I want to move.  Can we move?"
"We cannot move right now."
"Why did you make me move here just because all of your family lives on the NE coast?"
"Honey, you moved here on your own.  I didn't even know you when you moved here."
"Oh.  Right.  Well, it's time to cut those family ties and move somewhere sunny."
"OK, maybe later.  Have you been outside?  Maybe you should go outside."
"It's horrible outside.  There's no sun.  I hate this weather."
"Maybe you should take a shower"
"I took one yesterday."
"Yeah....some people take one everyday." might say I have some readjustment issues.  
I'm sad.  I'm a vacillating vacillator. Should I try again?  This decision has really thrown me for a loop and even though I know it's the best thing for 'us' getting a real live baby out of the deal, it is fucking with my head BIG TIME.

I never left the house yesterday.  I have not left the house today.  I am in the same pajamas I had on yesterday.  I have not brushed my teeth.  I am spending waaay too much time on the internet.
I am getting depressed.
I have failed.
I cannot make this baby and I have failed.


Jackie said...

Your conversation with K made me laugh. But I know that this is a serious matter. It makes me sad to see that you feel that you've failed. You haven't failed. It takes so much for us lesbians to make a baby and your baby can't happen without you. I'm so sorry that you are sad. Perhaps some fresh air (on this icky day) will help. Maybe you don't have to push yourself to leave the apt until tomorrow. Tomorrow is supposed to be sunny. I hope you feel better tomorrow.

Many many warm hugs...

mulberry said...

i think this crazy lady is sitting on my couch... oh, wait... i think this crazy lady is me?

Mommy and Mamita said...

Sorry you are having trouble adjusting. It always sucks coming back from vacation even without the baby making stress to make it worse.

Jen said...

Is that crazy lady in the midwest, because I have this conversation all the time and there are many weekends when I don't leave the house, don't take a shower and eat way to much. TTC is a mind fuck, regardless of where you are in the process. It is okay to feel this way, okay to have your mind playing tricks. You have a major decision to make, and it is not a light one. You will make the right one for you and your family.

Anonymous said...

The sun IS going to come out in NYC, eventually, I promise. Soon it will be so hot you'll feel like you're laying in the blazing Thai sun with a day-old sunburn.

You have to do whatever you feel will take you to the "I did whatever I could" feeling. My gut tells me you're not there yet. IF you reach that point, if I reach that point, I know the transition period will be difficult and require therapy... but we'll make it through. YOU haven't failed at anything, especially trying your damnedest to get pregnant!

(Believe it or not, about a half-hour before I read this post M was threatening to pull the plug on my internet usage.)

tbean said...

Oh have not failed. Not at all. But I totally get that. I sob that all the time to my wife. "I failed. My body failed. I'm broken. I'm causing everyone disappointment and its my fault." It is so hard to live inside a body that you feel is betraying you.

Take one step at a time. Celebrate small accomplishments (like showering, or eating a healthy snack). We love you buckets

Anonymous said...

You are having trouble readjusting but you will readjust and you will get a baby. You are not a failure. Also, you should go outside.

I'm sorry it's hard being back and making these decisions that should never need to be made. Lots of e-hugs to you.

Anonymous said...

You have only failed my dear if you give up before your dreams have a chance to become reality. The adjustment from paradise to reality is always so hard for me too. I usually start crying on the flight home and it takes me a long time to get past hating my real city. Nothing is ever as perfect as those dreamy places we get away to and I know NYC and its crappy spring weather can suck the life from you. Let it run its course sweet one, knowing that it will be okay... soon.

Rachel said...

It was an awfully gray and windy day today. I sympathize entirely with wanting to stay indoors and (presumably) in pyjamas all day.

I really hope you find a solution you are happy with for a next step towards a baby. And of course find the time to adjust to the new plan.

cindyhoo2 said...

Oh my goodness, I could have written your entry today. I am still making the same mental transition and I will say that it is harder than I expected. I get weepy over the silliest things, like accidentally picking up a maternity shirt on the sale rack. I hope you have some sun and feel better soon. When I am in a serious funk, I will go tan (just a few minutes and just once) and the faux sun makes me feel oddly better.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry you're feeling down. The TTC journey is a real punisher. I agree with the poster who talked about getting depressed at the end of a trip, too. I always get this way (have ever since I was a child) post-trip. I hope that tomorrow is a brighter day.

Anonymous said...

hm. if staying in your pjs & playing on the internet all weekend makes you crazy, you are in plenty good company!! i'm right there with you this weekend.

sorry the transition back has been so rough, reality sucks.

Next in Line said...

PJ's can be very healing.Transitions sometimes require under the covers pj time. You will be on the other side dressed and showering before you know it. May the sunshine again in NYC.

Carrie said...

I am so sorry you're feeling down. I know so much how you feel - I, too, want to have my own child, with my eggs, and my body. it's something i've always felt I've wanted to do. the possibility that i may not be able to have my own child is on the horizon. After 8 failed IUIs, we're trying one more, then IVF. if I can't get pregnant on IVF, we'll have Becky try. There's no guarantee that she can get pregnant, either, which sucks. Especially after how much money we all spend.
I wish i could give you a big hug. You are not a failure! My thoughts for you (and myself) are - if it takes our spouses to have the child, once that baby is born we know we'll love it just as much. It will be your child. One thing i try to remember is that - with lesbian relationships, we have two uteruses/egg supplies to work with! :)

Anyway, it's ok to grieve right now. Im sending you lots of love, and support. I'm hoping that things will work with your spouse, so that you can both be mamas very soon! xoxo

Anonymous said...

You have not failed, though I know very much what you mean. I am sorry and wish I could make this better, easier for you. HUGS to you today and always.

Anonymous said...

No matter how logical these decisions may seem, no matter how much they 'make sense', there is still a huge adjustment to be made and it will take your heart a little longer to catch up with that. Don't be too hard on yourself. Easier said than done though, right?

By the way, we saw two real live puffer fish yesterday and wished happy baby wishes for you on them. Gotta be worth more than wishing on a star!

Keely said...

Sorry I have been so quiet! I know how tempting it is to hibernate when you're having a tough time. But, but-- being inside all day for 2 days, your only window to the world a flickering screen... it's not so good for clearing the head. Remember yoga? Remember delicious food and funny overheard conversations? Remember quirky graffiti and winsome window displays? It's all out there for you. You have not failed. You are readjusting to an unwelcome reality in a number of ways, but you will prevail.

Sharon said...

the pep talk you are looking for, but I have to tell you that you blog is so freakin funny. Perhaps, I am laughing at your expense, but still, you wrote it, so I feel like that is permission to laugh. So my pep talk is . . .
I think it is time for you to seriously consider writing a book. Like get a portfolio together and go out and find a agent/publisher type person and get yourself a book signing at Barnes and Noble. I mean really, why waste it on just us (the blog world). You could be making money!!! (I'm a Jew, what do you want from me, that's what I think about)

Okay, well I love you and Katie, and have a happy Passover and Easter and eat some chocolate and matza, and I will see you soon (after April 23rd when classes are over... for good)


Eva said...

You haven't failed. You are one tough cookie. Whatever you decided to do will be the right thing to do. Don't give up on yourself. xo