Thursday, April 30, 2009

Due Date

I didn't know if I'd blog about this date or not...but it's weighing heavy on my heart today and it's unavoidable.  There are so many stories in my head and I just need to get them out.

August was nine months ago.  It doesn't seem possible that so much time has already passed from getting that positive pregnancy test, getting married the same day and having what can only be described as one of the best weekends of my life.

Of course we all know that it tanked about a week after that.  Call it what you want--a chemical pregnancy, a miscarriage--I was pregnant and today was supposed to be my due date.
Instead I've been on the phone with a fertility pharmacy ordering Lupron to start a donor egg cycle.  My how things can change in nine months.
I didn't know how I'd feel today but if I were hard pressed to find three words I'd have to say I feel empty, vacant and barren.

I can't remember the date I found out I was pregnant/the date we got married (it was our second marriage in CA for legality issues), but I remember the fucking due date.  Sometimes I think I just block August out because what's gone is gone and I can't bring that back.  
That bit of a baby never made it and there's never going to be a bit of a baby that my body made.  Never.  That dream is gone, but god if I don't ache for it daily.
Because of that one stupid positive test I still believe that if, if, if I just had more money to spend on all of this, I could get pregnant.  Who am I kidding?

If I could do things differently, I certainly would knowing what I know now.  I would start drugs from the beginning.  I would move to IVF sooner.  Could've, should've.  Didn't.  Did I lose the chance of having my baby because my ego believed "I" could get pregnant naturally?  
There was nothing wrong with me thank you very much.  Just hand me the sperm and we'll be done with this baby-making business soon enough.  I wasted so much time at such a crucial age where time-wasting is not allowed.

At the same time, I've been so freaking lucky.  I have never had a cyst, a fibroid, an anything.  There have been no surgeries and no forced breaks. I ovulate on my own every single month and I've had normal periods my entire life.  
I have low FSH, I passed the Clomid Challenge with flying colors.  I am in excellent health.  So what the fuck is the problem?  Is it because I swear too much?

I think I'm just a wee bit old and while I naively thought I could just magically pop out a baby (or, gasp, two!) by 40, I failed to take into consideration that I don't have a free, fresh supply of sperm in my bed every night.  All of my peers who have managed to accomplish this pregnant-naturally-late-in-life-task are in a different category than me.  They have a free backstage pass to rockstar sperm night.  Me, not so much.

After the BFP, I thought "well, I did it once, I can do this again".  But I couldn't.  Didn't.  Can't.  My cycles went a little off-course and I removed myself from the madness.  Enough.  Done.
I could keep trying.  I could spend all our savings trying but that seems a bit foolish seeing we waited so long to start trying because we wanted to make sure we had enough money.
It's like running in circles chasing dollars.  If we were going to go broke doing this then we should've done it five years ago.  And we didn't.  For so many reasons, not just money, we didn't.  
And they were the right reasons, so now we live with that.

I envy all of you who met your loves early in life and knew what you wanted and just got on with it.  You are truly blessed.  I was never that person.

Sometimes, I get so wrapped up in the process of all this TTC shit; the planning, the components, the RE visits (76 of them for me, but who's counting?), the co-pays, the drugs, the waiting, the tears--I actually forget the end result will be a real, live baby.

Dear April 30th, I hope when you come around next year I don't even remember you because I'm too busy with my baby.

Dear Blogosphere, Thank you for always listening and being there for me.  I can't imagine how horrible this would be without all of you.  When I fall, you always catch me.


N said...

Thinking of you today, and all the couldabeens.

Jen said...

Oh dear, I am so very sorry today is so painful. But, why shouldn't it be? This is all very natural and grieving is a part of the process. TTC is a mind fuck and I am so sorry your journey is painful and sucky. **hugs**

Anonymous said...

Of course you believed you could get pregnant naturally at age 39--that's all we ever see on the cover of People and on E TV. All those celebrities, still gorgeous and fresh looking into their late 30s and early 40s, popping out little ones like it's as easy as walking the red carpet. And no one ever mentioning fertility drugs or IVF--not even when the twins appear! It's yet another false, damaging message from Hollywood about what our bodies, as women, should be capable of.

So you may not be pregnant with your own little baby, but you'll have a little munchkin soon who will still be yours. And let's not lose sight of the fact that you look just as hot and young as Jennifer Aniston at age 40 WITHOUT having spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on it!

- Fab C

cindyhoo2 said...

I am crying now in solidarity. I know these feelings. I live these feelings. We have all mostly gotten good at holding onto the fragmented pieces of our dreams and constantly moving forward... don't think, just keep walking. Sometimes, I think it is good to stop and grieve a bit. This process sucks after a few months and the scars run deep. So happy un-birthday to your bio baby that almost was. I hope that next year you are so filled with joy that this day passes in a pleasant, exhausted blur as you love your child to pieces.

Jackie said...

I'm so sorry D. I offer you hugs. Many many internet hugs. Can you feel the warm cyber embrace?

Anonymous said...

I'm thinking about you today. I get why an anniversary like this is especially bittersweet, knowing that you've closed the door with your own eggs. I'm proud of you for bravely going forward with your next plan (and a very good one at that) while still acknowledging that it hurts.

I'll join you in hoping that next April 30 is a day you mark with your baby.

Lizzie said...

I'm so sorry for this due date that isn't. And I'm so sorry for the cycles of recrimination we put ourselves though. Love you. Thinking of you. Sending love.

tireegal68 said...

Thanks for sharing this important anniversary with the blogosphere. My heart aches for you and that wonderful summer day that you describe where everything was lining up and you had everything you wanted.
I have never been pregnant but I know what it like to know that I will never be able to use my eggs to get pregnant.
You struck a chord with me and I felt a moment of recognition as I sit here looking at egg donor profiles and wondering which one will match best with the donor sperm that is sitting at the clinic.
Take care, take the time to mourn - it's important when we are on this drug/ ttc / donor / money treadmill. Big hugs:)

Anonymous said...

Oh, I get your message now - I'm sorry I didn't think of what that meant and I hope I didn't offend you. I'm sorry this due date is here without a pregnancy. It's not foolish to try naturally and to have faith in your body - that's something I've always admired about you, your hope and confidence. I know what you mean about losing sight of the end goal and forgetting that we're trying for a baby. Sometimes it feels like we're all professional TTCers. I hope April 30, 2010 is filled with the joy of a warm, sweet new life in your arms.

Anonymous said...

All I can say is that I have the same hope for you for next April 30th. {{{}}}

Anonymous said...

Let's agree to stop swearing so much and maybe it will happen for both of us.

The BFP never came knocking on my door so I can only imagine what heartache and pain the due date brings.

This time next year, for sure, you'll wish your future self could have comforted you through this tough time. It will happen. Much love to you both today.

tbean said...

Sitting with you today. Amid the pain. And the loss. And the what ifs. And the second guessing.

Puffer--you have made all the right choices and the rest is up to the universe. We love you.


Sarah said...

Thinking of you. Thank you for sharing this with us.

Anonymous said...

sending you much love and many cyber ((hugs)). i am so hoping for you that by next april 30th you have your baby in your arms.

Eileen said...

Hey, Eileen here (of the donated Gonal F in January). Your post resonated with me so much since my due date was August 9 and I started my DE cycle on April 8. Transfer is tomorrow. Anyway, hope this cycle goes well for you guys. I'll be following it....

Anonymous said...

Oh D - I am glad you posted about this day. I was thinking the other day while reading your blog that your due date must be coming up and I wondered how you were feeling about it. I can't imagine your sadness really and don't want to pretend I could. Please just know that I have been thinking about you and I don't think you have made any wrong decisions. Life is funny with how it works out, and what you wish in retrospect. You have had so much optimism and strength in this process and I (like many others) have great respect for you because of that. I add my deepest hopes that 4/30/09 flys by because you are so busy debating wither to continue with cloth diapers and figuring out what is the best way to put your baby to sleep. Sending you tons of love, L.

Heidi said...

Ugh. The what might have beens are total killers aren't they? As if this whole journey isn't hard enough.

I'm so sorry that this April 30th isn't what we all hoped it would be for you. And here is hoping that next April 30th you will be too busy.

Anonymous said...

You're right. It's like we share a collective ttc brain. I'm so sorry for August, for today and all the day between. It fucking sucks. Sometimes I think the swearing is the only thing that truly expresses how craptastic ttcing can be. Big love, doll.

tiff said...

Hard day...reading this got me so choked up and at the same time upset me...for you, and all the other ttc'ers that are in this position. angry that money has to be such a big part of it....feeling the unfairness of this all. i'm sending you love today. so sorry this day didn't turn out like you wanted it to. next year, it will be a much happier day. i'm sure of it.
much love.

Eva said...

Even though our stories are not identical, I can relate to what you are going through . I'm here for you. xo

Next in Line said...

Sorry sweetie. I wish this had been easier. We also started this process all natural and with high hopes. We didn't even want clomid. Most of us start with optimism and hope. Now I am holding the optimism and hope that this new plan is what is going to bring stinky diapers to your house.

Anonymous said...

Exactly what you said. :(

Andrea said...

I know, even though I am so excited about DE, I still mourn a genetic connection to my (hopefully) future child. I just wish I knew why I got POF at 28! It's very frustrating to just not know. Anyway, good luck to you, I'm pulling for you and I can't wait to see you cycle and get pregnant!!!!

Gayby Rabies said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, and the pain that comes when you dwell on what might have been. It's amazing how much power a date can have over us. I hope that by this time next year, you're so distracted with a newborn that you barely notice when it rolls around.

K said...

Thank YOU for sharing your journey with us. I'm glad you posted this, and I hope your blog has a totally different focus come next April 30th.