Kicking My Thyroid's Ass

Two months ago my TSH was 6.27.

Now?  .543

So I am completely in the clear on my TSH.  If I don't get a positive from this donor egg cycle, it will NOT be because of my thyroid.  My endocrinologist did a shitload of other tests as well, Free T4, etc etc.  They all came back completely normal.  I feel a great relief about all of this and knowing that my thyroid is in check.

Did I mention that I never even knew I was feeling tired, fatigued or mild depression until I started taking the synthroid and stopped feeling that way?  

(the minor depression as of late is total culture shock/coming to terms with the fact I will never have a bio child/and readjustment to this (as of late but not today) crappy weather) 

I think I'd lived with these symptoms for so long, I thought they were normal.  

I don't know if it was Thailand (where I always lose weight) or the thyroid balancing itself out or what, but since starting the meds I've lost 7 lbs.  Which means I am exactly where I was when I started the TTC process in Jan. 08.  And that was my goal so at least I haven't failed at that. Thank fucking god.

In other news, I want to thank all of you for showing me such support.  I've gone through a bit of a funk since returning.  There was a lot to process and it didn't help that sunshine (literally) seemed to have left the earth.  It's back now...I hope it stays around because I'm feeling a lot better.  I've just been trying to stay off the internet and out of blogworld so I don't get so wrapped up.  There are things that just aren't that good for me right now.  I hope you understand blogosphere.  I'm still here, just a bit more quietly than before.

Zero Chance.

I've gone back and forth a bit this week, but I'm getting a lot better at accepting that I've done all I can to try to make this baby and now it's time to "let go and let God".

This chart certainly helped me get there:

My antral follicle count in October was SIX.  That means according to this chart I have a ZERO chance of having a live birth (and yes I'm basing this on being 40 because let's face it I almost am) even if I were to do another IVF cycle.  Yes, I know the count can change from month to month...but really.  My chances?  Not so good.

Wow.  Zero.  Holy Shit.  My eggs are MthrFng old.

The hardest thing for me has been the fact I never got to actually 'finish' an IVF cycle.  I never even made it that far but now that I see this chart....I guess everything happens for a reason.

I'm glad that I got pregnant, just that one time, for just a little while.  It's my damn badge of honor at this point.

 

I will never know what it's like to look at my baby and think "those are my eyes" or "that little quirk is all me" but I will be birthing my love's child and that child will be mine.

I am officially done whining.

Off to Egg Donor IVF land we go!

P.S.--That post involving EWCM?  That was me encouraging K to go make me a baby, not the other way around!

All About the Puffers

I cribbed this from another blog.  Seems like a good Friday thing to do...

♥ What are your middle names?
Mine - Lea, K's - Elizabeth

♥ How long have you been together?
Nine years this summer

♥ How long did you know each other before you started dating?
About 3 days.  Ha!  It's true.

♥ Who asked who out?
We were at a bar and K asked me out.  It took about 3 dates to click and we've been together since then.

♥ How old are each of you?
Me - 39, K - 31

♥ Whose siblings do/ did you see the most?
K.’s brother, at least once a month as he lives here. The other brother lives in L.A. and we see only a couple of times a year.  My brothers and I grew up separately and aren't close.

♥ Do you have any children?
Nope.

♥ What about pets?
3 cats (two 17 year olds and a 4.5 year old that were mine and K has adopted)

♥ Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
K's parents put a lot of pressure on her and her father makes her crazy.  But, things are a lot better than they used to be.

♥ Did you go to the same school?
No. She went to Vassar and NYU Stern and I went to UT Austin.

♥ Are you from the same home town?
No.  I don't have a home town.  I've lived in over 30 locations!  K has lived in the same house in upstate NY her entire life.

♥ Who is smarter?
Hmm....she has the MBA, so she's book smart and business smart for sure.  I think she's brilliant.  I am smarter with finances related to budgeting and common sense.

♥ Who is more sensitive?
This is K for sure.

♥ Where do you eat out most as a couple?
We don't have a fave, there are so many options in this city we could eat every meal out for a year and never repeat. We love Asian and Indian the most.

♥ Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
Probably South East Asia; Indonesia and Thailand

♥ Who has the craziest exes?
K has some crazy ex's but I do too.  I probably have more because I'm older and dated more women before her.  Hmm, I just thought about the 13 years of dating before K, yep it's me.  I dated the crazies.  Way too many crazies.

♥ Who has the worse temper?
K.

♥ Who does the cooking?
K is the better cook and I am the better baker.  However, I can cook quite well, too and K does not bake.  Lately, I've been cooking all the meals and baking since I'm not working.  But really, she's an excellent cook.  She almost became a chef instead of getting her MBA.

♥ Who is more social?
We are both very social, but I'm probably more so.  I just went diving on a live aboard boat and was dubbed the "social coordinator", so yeah...I'll talk to anyone.

♥ Who is the neat-freak?
Me!

♥ Who is more stubborn?
I am.

♥ Who hogs the bed?
We have a double and I'd say it's the CATS who hog the bed, not us!

♥ Who wakes up earlier?
I am much better in the mornings than K, but we both wake up about the same time.

♥ Where was your first date?
Baramundi on the Lower East Side.  We've never been back.

♥ Who has the bigger family?
K does.  She has an extended hippy family of people who aren't related to her but she grew up with as "aunts" and "cousins".  In fact, when her parents divorced, her mom ended up marrying her "uncle" and her "cousins" became her step siblings.  They are a weird bunch and I'm so happy they are my family, too.

♥ Do you get flowers often?
Yes!  In fact, K brought home flowers two days ago!

♥ How do you spend the holidays?
Together, at her father's for Christmas Eve and her mother's for Christmas Day.  My family are born-again Southern Baptists and there will be no religious holidays spent with them.

♥ How long did it take to get serious?
About 3 dates.

♥ Who eats more?
K eats more.

♥ Who does/ did the laundry?
I do it all.

♥ Who’s better with the computer?
We each know different things so it's a nice balance.

♥ Who drives when you are together?
We don't own a car.  I'm better with stick, so if it's international, I drive.  Local, if we rent, she usually drives as I can't stand the traffic getting out of the city.  It all depends.  We switch off.

Overheard in the Bathroom

"Holy Shit, wow, look at this."

"That's some good stuff."

"It's like over an inch long!"

"Oh yeah, you're totally ovulating.  I want you to know when you leave this house, if you see a hunka hunka burnin love, you have my full permission to go make a baby."

"Honey, don't put thoughts like that in my head!"

"I'm not putting any thoughts in your head.  I'm making suggestions.  Very strong suggestions."

"There was that guy at my meeting this morning.  He was so hot and I thought, man, if I were a guy that's the guy I'd like to be."

"OK, good.  Go find him and have sex with your man self.  And I will fully understand if you don't make it home in time for dinner tonight."

"You're crazy."

"I know.  Have fun!  Go make me a baby!"

Conversations with the Crazy Lady

"I may have to take the internet away from you."

"No!  I love it."

"But you're spending too much time on it and it's making you depressed."

"Go away."

"Don't tell me to go away!  I'm trying to help you."

"I'm sorry.  I hate this weather.  Where is the sun?  It's so fucking dark.  I hate NYC."

"You don't hate NYC, you are just having a hard time re-adjusting to life here again.  You do this every time."

"I know and every time I want to move.  Can we move?"

"We cannot move right now."

"Why did you make me move here just because all of your family lives on the NE coast?"

"Honey, you moved here on your own.  I didn't even know you when you moved here."

"Oh.  Right.  Well, it's time to cut those family ties and move somewhere sunny."

"OK, maybe later.  Have you been outside?  Maybe you should go outside."

"It's horrible outside.  There's no sun.  I hate this weather."

"Maybe you should take a shower"

"I took one yesterday."

"Yeah....some people take one everyday."

So...you might say I have some readjustment issues.  

I'm sad.  I'm a vacillating vacillator. Should I try again?  This decision has really thrown me for a loop and even though I know it's the best thing for 'us' getting a real live baby out of the deal, it is fucking with my head BIG TIME.

I never left the house yesterday.  I have not left the house today.  I am in the same pajamas I had on yesterday.  I have not brushed my teeth.  I am spending waaay too much time on the internet.

I am getting depressed.

I have failed.

I cannot make this baby and I have failed.

Hard to Believe Only a Week Ago...

Test Drive the Egg Basket

It's hard to look in the mirror and see someone so young and yet have your eggs be so old.

Me and my bad eggs, we're finished.

I know you can't compare making a baby (and the cost involved) to buying a car, but well, yes you can.

I am the lemon.  K is the Volvo.

Why would we keep spending more money to fix up the lemon when we have the chance to drive the Volvo?  Also, keep in mind I come from a long line of lemons and K's family has a garage of Volvos.

Since arriving home (5 days ago) I've been:

• talking with the RE,
• the egg donor program coordinator,
• the insurance company, 
• the billing department,
• the psychologist assigned to our case,
• had my blood drawn to do a gazillion tests related to my thyroid
• set up an appointment for my endocrinologist to review the results of the thyroid testing 
  
• set up all appointments for K to enter egg donor program
• caught up on everyone's blogs

And that's just the TTC-related stuff!  I have been one busy Puff.

We've been looking down this path for so long...we didn't even need to talk about it that much.

It woke me up at 5:30 the morning after I got home and I just got up, starting making a list, looking at the calendar and figuring things out.

There's a possibility we might be able to do this at the end of May, but more probable is the first/middle of June.

While we both know there's no guarantee K has superstar eggs, we know hers are 8 years younger than mine--PERIOD.  So, we're going with that and hoping for the best.

It's good to be home.  Funny thing with K and I--we need no 'readjustment period'.  We each do so much travel and have for so many years...it's like I came in the door and it was like, "oh I'm home again".  Sometimes she'll come through the living room and smile looking at me and say "you're really home!" She's so cute and willing to do whatever it takes--even if she has to carry the damn baby herself--to make our little family dream come true.