No Mas

Sorry about the previous blank post. I wasn't done! I'm still not, but it's a long one coming.

In the meantime....we've made a big decision.

No more kids.

We keep getting the CA Cryobank bill and ignoring it. $440 for one more year to store the sperm. But I'm 99.9% sure I don't want more kids and I have felt this way almost since I gave birth to the twins. I certainly can't HAVE another baby. After the pre-E and the HELLP, it was strongly advised I not go at the baby birthing experience again. And while that first go at baby birthing was not a great go and it would be nice to get it right....that's not going to happen.

Chicken would have to get pregnant. Chicken has no desire to be pregnant. Chicken already has bio kids and well....Chicken would be a lousy pregnant woman and I have no desire for her to be pregnant either!

I'm 42. I'm old enough already with the 2 I have. I have tons of energy (for my age whatever that means)--more than Chicken--but I want to move forward. While I remind myself to live in the moment, I am looking forward to all of the things I want to do with them and places to go. There are many adventures waiting. I don't want to start all over and keep waiting for another baby to 'be old enough' or 'big enough'. I hope that doesn't sound selfish, but I'm loving this toddler age and the possibilities. I love my family of 4 just as it is.

We are done. Chicken got a little panicky as I ripped up the bill and squeaked, "Oh, but I want to hold a little baby again!" So I reminded her that we can go hold someone else's!

It feels good to just make that decision and agree that our family is complete.

And Just Like That, He's Done

It's so his personality. I shouldn't have been so surprised. But in the morning and afternoon he came running with his usual excited grunted 'oh-oh's' when I asked if he and his brother were ready for "Cafe Yum Yum" and the very next time Whoop Whoop poked my nipple, laughed and said "no-a" shaking his head.

Can you say devastated?

They'd both had a little 24 hour something-something and I thought (hoped?) it was just an icky tummy. He'd vomited once and maybe it's like when you're getting the flu anyway but you just ate sushi and then you puked and oh god, puking up sushi is the WORST and then you never want sushi again even though it really wasn't the sushi that made you sick? Yeah, so maybe he puked and was all like, damn breast milk tastes like shit coming up. And maybe he'd get over that thought and go back to the booby?

But no.

He did not.

And in the morning he was a hot mess. Kids like routines. They like knowing what's coming next. Now his world was turned upside down. Never in his entire LIFE has he woken up and not nursed. Never! (ok, there were probably a few bottles in there but you get the idea). He didn't know what to do with himself and thrashed about the living room with Chicken trying to figure out what to do. He just didn't know 'what' he wanted. We tried milk, we tried food, we tried bringing him over to me in the bed where I was nursing Grunter (which really infruiated him) and finally over the course of the next days....we discovered singing "ba ba black sheep" was the ticket, followed by a cup of milk and singing the entire book of nursery rhymes. Whatever works.

And by day three of him refusing to breastfeed--oh god I tried, I basically walked about topless and flung my tits in his face when I could--I had myself a good cry.

I felt (feel?) so rejected. It's just....HIM? Really? He was the one who could stay on my breast all day long if I'd let him. He was the one we were worried we'd have to wean before kindergarten! And so suddenly! There was no warning. That's just his style. He's an abrupt kind of guy. As Chicken remarked, "He's going to break a lot of hearts."

I miss our time. He is so busy, busy, busy my smiley tornado. He doesn't stop or sit still and this was my time--at least 3 times a day--to lay down and relax with my babies. I would lay on my back on the bed with one in each arm. I could kiss the tops of their sweet little heads and we'd chill out for a good 30 minutes every single morning. It was an awesome way to wake up. I miss that I never got a photo of that or a video of him getting so excited for it.

It will never happen again.

He stills comes over and touches it or puts his mouth on it or just laughs and shakes his head. It's like he finds the idea completely crazy.

I miss him snuggling in my arms and nuzzling at my chest. I miss him looking up at me with those big brown eyes and those long eyelashes.

But something interesting has happened....Grunter, who was a pretty carefree nurser...has decided to nurse with more frequency and for longer periods of time. In fact, the day after W2 quit, but came over to investigate--Grunter reached over and pulled his hair! That's never happened before. Grunter learned very quickly that he had me all to himself and wow is he ever taking advantage of it! Babies are so smart.

So this is good. I get lots of snuggling and one-on-one time with my Grunter. And he needed that, I know. I guess this was how it was all supposed to work out.

Nursing a toddler has seriously been one of the most rewarding and FUN things I've ever done. I look forward to it every day. I LOVE IT.

I never thought I'd make it breastfeeding twins past a few months--if that. I had no goals set, I was just taking it day by day. I've had every kind of problem I can think of, but I kept going. And once I hit a year, I had no intention of stopping. Once they were crawling and walking over to me, my heart burst over and over.

They want me. They need me. My body. I can do this. So many things I couldn't do, but this--I can do this! The bond I have with them is amazing and I am so happy I just kept going.

Whoop Whoop weaned nearly 2 weeks ago and since then I swear his hugs have gotten stronger and his kisses more frequent and longer.

My colicy baby. My baby who cried so long. My baby I was so scared I wouldn't bond with.

Oh how he loves to hug and kiss me.

I can't even count the number of hugs and kisses they get every day.

Now when we wake up, Grunter nurses with one of my arms wrapped around him and W2 drinks a milk cup while I read him a book with my other hand. You adapt. You figure it all out. It all keeps changing, but it's all good. There's dried milk on my sheets and I never thought that I just wouldn't care. But I really don't.

I love them more than I ever thought possible.

Going Shopping

Rainy Day Indoor Fun: Going Shopping

I don't know where they got it, because neither of us are big shoppers BUT these are NYC kids and they see everything from their stroller! I have a bunch of shopping bags stuck in between the wall and the fridge and they found them, put them on their arms, went to the door, waved bye bye and blew me kisses.

Crazy the things they come up with. They see and hear everything!!!

And of course, there's more fun to be had with your shopping bag...

Start

I don't even know where to start. We are all doing great, but oh so busy. I've been nanny free for over 3 weeks now and while most days are great (really!) the last two have made me crazy. Granted I put myself in some stressful situations in trying to be twin supermom and keeping up with my mom friends (with singletons) going to concerts and fountains and easy-with-one-kid-but-insane-with-twins stuff.

I know there are those who disagree with me, but if you don't have twins, you just don't get it.
Doubt me? Take my boys to the playground for an hour and get back to me on your thoughts.

W2, is high insane energy. He is hard, hard work and he has been since day 1! He does not stop. The boy is intense and unless you've had even 1 kid like him, you won't get it.
Grunter is *more* laid back and I'm very thankful for that!
Neither one are kids that stay near mommy when outside and they don't need to be near each other either. Mostly, they run in the exact opposite direction. I run non-stop damage control!

All my "mom" friends are in agreement about W2, he is like a smiley tornado tearing through. He plows over anything in his way in order to get what he wants. He had his first outside temper tantrum yesterday over another kid's toy. His emotions are so intense. He gets so focused on ONE thing. Distraction means nothing to him.

I worry about Grunter not getting enough attention from me and try so hard to get the balance right.

They are a blast (overall) and everyday spent with them is amazing. This age is exhausting for me, but so much fun, too!

I have so much more I want to write, but not much time these days.

Chicken has been traveling some (4 days in Chicago, 3 coming up to SF), and I'll be solo. It's crazy hard, but incredibly rewarding at the end of the day to know that I did it all by myself. I thought for so long I couldn't, but I really can and I am.
(but I'd still like a little p/t help before I collapse!)



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Manny Revisited

Well, that post certainly got some people riled up!

I never meant for it to be so provoking and I really was interested in what others thought.

As for myself, initially I *thought* I would be OK with it. But the more I sat on it and let it sink in, I knew I could never hire a manny.

Here's why:

I was sexually/emotionally/physically abused starting from age 6 until I was 20. By men. All of them from the age of 6-13 were caregivers. They were the ones who were supposed to make sure I was SAFE and instead, well....they really fucked up my life for a long time. One ended up being my step-father. My mother knew he was sexually abusing me (because I told her and begged her not to marry him) but she convinced herself that I was lying and married him anyway. When I fought the sexual abuse, the beatings got worse. I was made to choose my own branch that he would whip me with and I had to strip naked for the beating. Good Times.

I'm still not sure why I'm not crazier than I am! No seriously, I must've been a strong little girl, because no one came around to save me and I just kept on surviving and fighting. Unfortunately I am now in my 40's and my urge to keep fighting to survive is so ingrained in me, I really don't know of another way to live. I don't need to fight anymore. I am doing SO much more than surviving. I never learned the right way to 'connect' with people and I can often rub people the wrong way with my fighter ways. I don't want my kids to end up in the wrong hands--which they can with either sex--but no matter what you might think, the majority of sex crimes and abuse to children are committed by men. There. That's what I think.

I am scarred for life by this. To this day, when I see a little girl siting on her father's lap my VERY FIRST thought is, "He's totally getting off on that. That's how it all starts." Followed by my second thought which is "No, no, no, no, no. It doesn't always have to be like that." Will that first voice ever leave my head? I doubt it. I know it's not rational, but I just can't stop the thought and I find myself looking closely at the man--watching watching for a sign. I am skeptical.

Because of my experience I am less skeptical of gay men, but overall, I would worry.

Right or wrong, I would worry.

I don't want to worry. I don't need more stress.

We are good here. Busy, but good. I still don't have a nanny. More on that later...

And the unchallenge. Good Lord, I still want to catch up on that. Maybe.

Loving Summer. Loving these Boys.

Life is really quite awesome right now.

Manny? Migraine.

I had an all day migraine yesterday and stayed in bed with the shades drawn trying not to barf. It was hell. I haven't had one in over 2 years. Really hope they don't start coming around again.

Chicken took over the kid care all day long. It was the first time she's had them alone all day since they were born! She was exhausted, but she did great.

I did nothing but lay in bed and lifted my tank from time to time. The bed in the living room is awesome! They just walk over to the mattress for BFing and yank at my shirt. EASY.

Ok, so we received an app from a young manny. And although he didn't come right out and say it, I'm pretty sure he's gay.

Would you hire a manny?
Why or why not?




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I'm Guilty

When Chicken has a work dinner event I'm secretly pleased because it means I get to watch trash TV. There are many nights we don't have the TV on at all (like all this week) because she is working all night and I'm busy in the kitchen, etc. I actually like NOT watching TV because I get so much done. But if I'm all alone...the lure is just too strong to fight sometimes!

What do I watch?

• Intervention (I love me some good junkie stories)
• 16 and Pregnant
• Teen Mom

I used to watch Hoarders, but it was too depressing even for me. Seems like a lot of you watch Sister Wives....hmmm. Might have to check that out.

There's a CVS across the street from me and I'm in there almost daily for a milk run (cheapest in the hood for hormone free milk). That damn CVS loves to put cereal on sale and they display it right as you walk in. If they have Cocoa Pebbles on sale (2 for $5!), I buy one...or two. And then you will find me eating a huge bowl of cereal for dinner and um, maybe lunch. It's so BAD.

I cannot pass a Dairy Queen without jonseing for a Snickers Blizzard. Thankfully there's not a DQ for miles around.

Starbucks Bacon/Egg/Gouda sandwich (is that a guilty treat? It feels indulgent to order a breakfast sandwich at Starbucks.)

If I'm in Asia, I crave frozen Twix and super cold Diet Coke. Why in Asia? I have no idea.....

Chicken's new guilty pleasure is very specific: Victoria's Secret cotton gstrings. She ordered a batch (can panties be a batch?) the other day and I opened them up, looked at the receipt and declared, "You paid $9.99 for ONE pair of panties?!" Because I'm a 3 for $10 kind of bargain undie shopper. She looked appalled and said, "That pair was for your birthday." Oops. I sheepishly apologized and then let her know...they were the wrong size. No present for me!

KJ--I'll try to find some old HS photos to scan in when I have time (hahahaha).

Also, I had a nanny audition today. She's pretty good...and cute, too!