She stands in stark contrast to my regular nurse, whom I adore and my RE, who is very soft-spoken and has kind eyes when he looks at you.
When I got to the clinic I was more than a little worked up. Listening to Tori Amos on the way probably did not help. It was iPod shuffle, I didn't do it on purpose and damn, "Precious Things" is an awesome song.
My fave nurse could see that I was on edge and as soon as we got into the room, I started telling her how I was second guessing everything and asking questions. Apparently, I was worked up enough that she did not feel comfortable going ahead with the IUI and went to get my RE out of a meeting. While I was waiting, I almost lost it half naked on the table alternating between wanting to scream or cry. I did neither. But I just wanted a hug and there was no one there to give me one. This is a really hard thing to do month after month by yourself.
The RE listened to all of my concerns and said that while it was highly unlikely (due to my blood levels the day before) I had ovulated, there was a slight possibility. However, what I was probably feeling was the drug working its magic on my ovaries.
Regardless, I wanted another ultrasound. Everything checked out, lining nice and thick and stripey, two follies trucking along. I had not ovulated.
Which leads me to further mind-fuck territory because now I feel like I can't even trust listening to my own body.
I was very honest in expressing to him that I felt like I was just coming in here every month throwing money away for a crap shoot of 'maybe' and that in the end I would end up doing IVF anyway because it was the only exact science of making a baby (and even with that there are no guarantees). It's not that he agreed or disagreed, but IVF is what RE's excel at. IUI, not so much because there's so much even they cannot control.
The insemination went so very well, I didn't even feel it. Seth's sperm count was great, 14 million full motility swimmers. I should be feeling happy, more relaxed...but...
For the past couple of weeks, I've been so totally fine and laid back about everything and I have a feeling that in a couple of days that feeling will return. It's this day, more than the entire TWW worth of days, that makes me feel like banging my head against a wall and stealing a baby (don't worry I'm not making any plans to steal a baby and I've already banged my head against the wall).
The entire time I'm wondering, "is this me, really me? or is this me on cl.o.mid?" I honestly don't know.
Oh and I just found out one of my BF's is 5 months pregnant. She's a few years older than me and they have been trying au natural for a long time. I am so incredibly happy for her that she didn't have to go through any of this.