Monday, May 25, 2009

Ranting and Reeling.

You need background on this story and I haven't given it.

*Warning Long rant below*  

K is a middle child.  Her older brother and his wife, we'll call them BKP, can do no wrong.  Her younger brother, we'll call YB, can also do no wrong.  BKP are the king and queen of the family and YB, is a prince.  K...well, she's just kind of there.  Her mother and father have always favored the sons and always will.  K is a shadow in the family.

The sons get everything from the family and I mean everything.  When brother BKP had student loans, grandma stepped in to pay them.  When YB had student loans, mom stepped in to pay them.  When K had student loans?  Nothing.  No offer of help at all.

When grandma was doling out the family jewelry, she gave brother BKP and YB all of her former husbands rings, etc.  Did she give K anything?  No.  She made sure brother BKP got a ring with a big diamond since she was getting married (five years ago--same as us) so he could put it in a setting for his wife.  K was also getting married the same year...but got nothing.

Another example:  When we go upstate to visit MIL, she often pays for the Amtrak ticket for YB, but not for K.
YB has an excellent job.  He works for a very exclusive fashion label. He has a rent-control apartment in Chelsea and next month his company is moving him to Paris to work.  He does not need his mother to buy his train ticket.  And neither do we....but why would you treat your children so differently?

After BKP got married, with stars in their eyes, they moved across the country with dreams of being movie stars.  Hollywood didn't turn out to be all they expected and brother BKP never was a good actor to begin with.  He ended up spending the next five year, age 30-35, waiting tables part time and auditioning the rest of the time. He would spent most afternoons 'meditating on his couch' about his next audition.  His wife worked as a public school teacher in LA and they had one car.  In Los Angeles.  

Meanwhile they would go out to the best restaurants in LA.  Places K and I don't ever go when we're visiting because they are too expensive for us.  They have massive credit card debt.
If they wanted to come home for Christmas?  Mom or Dad would buy them a plane ticket.  If they wanted to go to Florida to visit Grandma?  Grandma or some other family member would pay for it.

K and I have a completely different work ethic.  Both of us are the types who work our asses off to make sure we are taking care of ourselves.  If the tables were turned we each would be working double time to get a second car at the very least.  It's just how we are.
When I moved to NYC, I was 25K in debt and had been hired at an NGO making less than 30K.  I had at least two jobs for the first 5 years because I was bound and determined to pay off all my debt and get ahead.  I would work my day job and then go straight to my night job.  Weekends were not weekends, they were for working.  I wanted to get ahead and I did.

For the last year or so the Golden Couple have decided they want to move back home.  Brother BKP has finally realized that he's not going to make it as an actor.  SIL wants to be closer to her family and 'have babies'.  Everyone, especially MIL thinks this is an excellent idea.  SIL is the daughter MIL never had.  But of course, they have saved no money to even make the trip across country, let alone getting a job back in NY or a place to live..or, or, or....Ahgh!!!  This list goes on and on. and dad (and yeah, probably Grandma) are once again bailing them out.  They are sending them money to move back to upstate NY.  And since they don't have a place to live, they will live in mom's basement and have free rent, food, cleaning, etc.  Their car probably won't make it across the country or if it does, it won't make it much longer, so Dad has 'found them a car'.  They have no jobs, no savings and have you heard how great the economy is in upstate NY?

When we were up for Mother's Day, MIL was talking about how great it was they were moving home and it was a great time for them to buy a house and K said, "They don't have jobs.  They don't have any money to make a down payment."   And MIL replied "Oh, we can help them buy a house.".
K and I have been trying to get pregnant for 1.5 years.  We have talked about buying a place for at least as long.  Had anyone ever offered to help us?  No.  Of course not.

All K and I have talked about lately is how great it's going to be to be the first ones pregnant.  K will have the first grandchild and finally, FINALLY, she'll be the golden child.  They'll all pay attention to her.  I was glad we were using her eggs, because her mother will love me and the baby more than if I were having my own bio child.  Sad, but true.

You know what's coming, don't you?  You know how this story ends.

They are pregnant.
I know it's not a competition.  I know it doesn't mean our child will be loved any less.  But we had this one trump card over them.  For once, just once, we were going to be #1.
It hurts so bad and I was so upset and I almost vomited.  I should be happy for them.  They deserve a baby, too.  But now??

When K's mom told her, she didn't even acknowledge the fact that we had been trying so hard and so long and this news might be hard for us.  No mention whatsoever.

I cried so much last night I woke up feeling like a had a hangover.  When I got in the shower this morning, the tears came all over again.  I just can't shake this feeling about how unfair it all is.  We aren't pregnant.  They are.

I know some of you have had to deal with this.  I know I'm not alone.  I just never expected it to send me reeling the way it has.  The Golden Couple don't have to struggle with anything.  They are handed everything and rewarded with irresponsible behavior.
We are praying for acceptance of this.  We can't change it and we can't change our own circumstances.  I want to find happiness for them, but right now I'm just hurting too much.  

K says she accepted the fact a long time ago that her mom would always love her brothers more. God, that just breaks my heart.  It hurts so much to know that my wife's one chance of having her family's full attention and love is Gone. Gone. Gone.


Lizzie said...

Oh, god. I'm so sorry. It sucks so much to have jealousy like this. When my sister got pregnant with #2 (totally different back story and our parents have treated us equally, can't complain), it was like a massive kick in my non-pregnant gut. It's so unfair. And the fact that they are irresponsible and favored just makes it worse. I hope you find peace, so it doesn't eat you up. But for fuck's sake!

babypants said...

oh this is so so so hard. I was reading along and I Knew how it would end. I am thinking of you both. xoxox L

Gayby Rabies said...

Damn, that's tough. I always thought that since I've been in a stable relationship for the longest, that I'd be the first sibling to give my mom a grandchild. But about 3 years she got serious with the guy she'd been dating. His daughter had just had a baby. We got to meet my mom's boyfriend's family last fall, when we all spent a long weekend together at the beach. I had just failed my first cycle, and this girl was visibly pregnant with her second child. I had to spend the whole weekend watching my mother doting on her pregnant stepdaughter and the two year old son. I totally sympathize with you.

tbean said...

NO NO NO NO! Fuck it all to hell. This fucking sucks. I'm sorry Puffer. So so sorry. That is just so unfair. :( :( :( :(

mulberry said...

i am so sorry that K has had to live with that kind of situation for all these years and to add this on top of all of it! painful :(

AdventuresInBabyMaking said...

I wish I had something better to say than, "omg, that effing sucks." But that's the first thought in my mind. I'm so sorry for such a shitty situation. I don't know if it's any consolation, but at least you guys know that you're doing everything the right way. Karma, my friend. You guys are doing it right.

queerstork said...

Oh, I knew that ending was coming. Fuck, that's hard. When you don't think life could be any more unfair... My gut says, "Well, K may fight her whole life to be accepted and loved by her family, who is to say having a baby first would have made a difference?" but my heart just aches, aches, aches that she's been living in a family where this is how she's treated. Period.

I have similar fears. I want M to earn that kind of love from her parents via a grandchild... fearing all the while that her republican catholic sister will beat us to the punch.

Hugs to you and K.

justine said...

ugh. i started reading this and just KNEW where it was going. my partner's family is really similar. at our wedding, partner's mother was supposed to bless us and she told a story about partner's brother instead. it's so hurtful.

and, we, too, (although we know it's not a competition) did feel the same way about when we had the first grandchild. when they told us they were pregnant (oops! our first try!), we both cried and felt so sad and fucked up.

it will lessen (or dull), but it sure does suck for now.

take good care of each other.

Next in Line said...

I feel really sure that your baby will be cuter and better. Love to you and K!

anofferingoflove said...

f*ck. i am so sorry this happened. it happened to us too and it still hurts. a lot. sending you both big ((hugs)).

cindyhoo2 said...

UNFAIR! The family's treatmemt of K and you is unfair. The way they cater to other children is unfair. And the fact that the less responsible couple are pregnant is also unfair.

I am so sorry and I have a huge knot in my stomach for you both. I cannot imagine how much you are hurting.

Melissa said...

Oh I am so very sorry, I know what you are going through all to well. Your post brought tears to my eyes as all those raw feelings of my SIL getting pregnant came flooding back. I hope the pain for you eases soon.

wishinghopingpraying said...

I will happily vomit for you. I am so so sorry. How hideously unfair all around. Huge hugs and love to you both.

Rachel said...

I am so sorry you are dealing with such an awful family situation, and now a rival cousin for your (future) child. It doesn't sound like there's much hope of the family shaping up, but I hope you find decent ways to ignore the manifest unfairness of the situation.

journeytowardsourbaby said...

Oh wow, that's some pretty tough stuff to be dealing with. It sucks all around, and as lame as that sounds I really have no more words to describe it right now. kia kaha e hoa - stay strong my friends.

Michelle said...

I just want to say sorry that you guys are hurting so much. I knew the ending before it came because it (sadly) has become kind of a familiar one. Your post brought tears to my eyes for your pain and my own as well as for everyone else out there going through similiar situations. Keep strong.

insertmetaphor said...

Ugh, I'm so sorry about this. What a horrible situation for K and you to be in in the first place - it's so sad to feel loved less. And then the pregnancy...I imagine that must really hurt.

glamcookie said...

How completely shitty. Soon you will have your own little family and it will be full of love. {{{}}}

Berit said...

hello dear d

i just read your blog and i am sooo sorry. i know how hurtful the family dynamics have been for kate and for you. don't let yourself get pulled down.

thinking of you

thebao said...

Well, shitballs. That blows--all of it, the background and the latest news. It seems like quite the mountain to climb, but I do hope along with the other commenters here that you can find some peace. But I do think you're under NO obligation to be happy for the golden couple!

vee said...

Oh I just knew that was coming. Shit heaped upon shit. It must hurt like hell. So sorry.

Carrie said...

ugh i am so sorry hon. to constantly be disregarded and discarded by the family hurts enough, and i can imagine how crushing it is to lose your one trump card. it's a shame K's family spoils some kids, and yet ignores your existence, practically. big hugs to you.
in my own experiences with horrible family, ive learned to accept that they suck, and will always suck. getting through life without any support (emotional or financial) from parents is so hard, and not the way it was supposed to be. but somehow we will all manage, and bitch to each other about it through the process. :)

im really sorry. your story broke my heart, and i would be right there with you, crying to the point of hangover. **hugs**

reproducinggenius said...

There is nothing that hurts quite as badly as this. My not-at-all-responsible, always spoiled younger sister announced to me that she was pregnant on a day when I had gotten a negative--it was the latest of a long string of them--and I was devastated. Everyone was expected to rally around her while she brought the first grandchild into the family, and all J and I could do was scream and cry and mourn our loss of that position, or our chance to shine.

I didn't mean to make this about me--It's just that I know these feelings so very well, and I am so very sorry that you have to experience them. This isn't fair in the least. None of it is, and it especially isn't fair that K doesn't get the treatment she deserves. Sending you many hugs and much understanding.

poppycat said...

What assholes. I mentioned to Cindyloohoo that I have figured out why we aren't preggo yet and I have mapped out a new plan. Ready?
1. loose job and go on wellfare
2. 2 move back to mom's OR live in our car
3. work on getting a drug or drinking problem
4. encourage Cat to do the same
5. start eating fast food for every meal
6. but sperm from 5 donors and pour it all on at the same time so that when I get knocked up, because you know I would if I followed this plan, I won't have any idea who the father is.

What do you think? Are you in?