Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Trying to Escape from Funky Town

This has got to be the hardest time period of TTC I've ever gone through.  I never took a BFN this hard, never got this down about a cancelled IVF cycle, but this...this is the worst.

To get me down even further, New York is going through a period of endless gray, cool, rainy days that are not helping my psyche at all.  It seems like the sun has completely disappeared and is never coming back.

I am trying to be optimistic and hopeful about this new cycle, but I am so damn scared.
It has been very, very difficult to come back to NYC in the rainy, cool season--jobless, in an economic crisis, faced with the realization that you can't have bio children.
Last week was the worst of the depression.  That was when I found myself seriously wondering if I had any worth at all and maybe the world would just be better off without me.
The thought was only a fleeting one and I wasn't contemplating anything, but the fact that it popped up in my head was a giant warning signal.

I have suffered from depression in the past, but I have med free now for almost 5 years.  It's been wonderful!
Now, I find that I'm having to work a little bit harder to be 'normal'.  That scares me.  
But after I got over the 'due date' of last week, I did find myself lifting up.  I didn't think it would be so difficult to get past that day--but it was--especially seeing other blogger's births posted that were born the same day/time.  Ouch.  That fucking hurt.  I mean, I'm happy for them, don't get me wrong, but fucking ouch.  Sometimes I just have to step away from the blogs....  

K has been wonderful throughout all of this.  She gets me out of the house and encourages me to workout, cook, take a walk outside, get off the computer.  We've walked down to Chinatown multiple times, exploring new streets, making lists of places we want to eat, gorging on Vietnamese food, shopping in the produce markets and getting Chinese massages in dodgy palours.  I love that she knows I'll feel better after getting an "Asian fix".  And I do, I always do.

But let's talk about meds/donor egg cycle now.  Tonight is my last birth control pill, yeah!  I've had 6 Lupron injections and (knock on wood) so far, so good on the side effects.  As in glory hallelujah, I've had none of the insomnia, migraines, etc, etc.  I cannot blame the depression on the Lupron as that started long before the injections.  But I am hoping the Lupron does not make my depression worse.  Only time will tell.
My SIS (saline sonogram) was painless and the RE declared me "clean as a whistle" so I'm good to go on that.
The RPL blood panel came back fine and there's nothing to worry about there.  My RE is going to have me take baby aspirin starting at the time of the retrieval as a precaution.
K's genetics blood work panel passed with flying colors--everything looks great.

Next on the list:  K goes in to the fertility center this Friday morning for blood work to make sure she ovulated (I saw the EWCM, it looks like she ovulated!).  Once they call her back telling her the bloods show she ovulated, she'll inject a micro dose of Lupron.  Lucky her, she only has to shoot up Lupron once!

That's it.  It's getting better, it really is.  But this month (well, April, May has been better) has felt like I'm rock climbing and I can't see the top of the mountain and my arms are getting really, really tired.
Thanks for all of your wonderful comments on my last post and for pulling me up the mountain.  I feel all of your strength and I couldn't make it without you.
If you've called me or emailed me and you haven't heard back from me...please forgive me.  I haven't been myself.


Lizzie said...

i'm so sorry you've been so low. so sorry for fuckin' funky town. i don't know about your history with depression, and i don't want to sound cavalier, but i do want to remind you that you have an AWFUL LOT of situational type stuff right now - job loss, switching away from your own eggs, etc. and god, the fake spring weather doesn't help. big hugs and lots of love, and glad you got your asian fix and soon you'll be done with BCP and on to the next step! glad all the tests and steps in this process seem to be going so well, for both you and K. i have such confidence in this cycle. lots of love.

glamcookie said...

I'm so sorry. I hope that the feelings subside as you get closer to the retrieval/transfer. This is such a damned hard road. {{{}}}

N said...

Funky town is a fucker, that's for sure. So much love is coming your way.

anofferingoflove said...

first off, big, big virtual ((hugs)) to you.

sounds like this cycle is off to a great start, here's hoping its the last one necessary!

Jen said...

Gosh, I'm so sorry that you have been feeling this way. I myself have struggled with depression and I know the in and outs of good and bad days. Hang in there because it sounds like the details of this cycle are coming together!!!

Mommy and Mamita said...

I'm just getting caught up on your blog. So sorry to hear you are having such a hard time and that passing the due date was so painful.

Just a quick comment regarding K's meds. I was under the impression that micro dose lupron was mainly used during the follicular stage as part of the flare protocol for poor responders. Regular lupron is used as part of the long lupron protocol, which is what most egg donors are put on. Maybe your doctor is doing some variation on the standard protocol, but did he explain why he is using microdose instead of standard lupron?

cindyhoo2 said...

I hear you. Honestly I think we all have periods of depression, especially after repeated failures. But I am so sorry that you are currently in the pit of despair. It is a sucky place to be. So glad K is keeping your spirits up. I am hoping with all my heart that this donor cycle leads to your baby. Hopefully, now is the darkest part right before dawn.

IVF Girl said...

Wow, you've been through it all! I really hope this cycle works for you. You'll probably be getting your results by the time I start my cycle. I hope the rain ends soon and your mood can get brighter. It's been dreadful here in Maryland the past week too. I'm ready for the sun this weekend.

I'm curious in all your cycles, did you ever try acupuncture? I'm thinking about doing at least two sessions, maybe a day before transfer and a day or two after. I figure it can't really hurt...and it may help with the stress of it all.

Future Hot Momma via Egg Donor IVF said...

HI fellow NY'er! This weather....Sucks! I agree we need some sunshine for us May cycle chics.

Thanks for the good wishes. Outside support really helps and motivates me during the cycle. Please feel free to follow my blog and email me with any questions you have regarding your cycle. Sometimes it can feel quite lonely but when you reach out, it can be rather uplifting.

I will keep my fingers crossed for you and wish you the sweetest gift at the end of your cycle :)


tbean said...

Hugs to you Puffer. Switching from your eggs to your partner's eggs is a HUGE and emotional transition. Be gentle with yourself. Sorry things have been so blue lately.

poppycat said...

You just can't understand how hard things will hit you until they sneak up from behind and nearly bludgeon you to death.I am sorry you had to endure that milestone at all and I am wishing you peace and healing as you try to move forward.

I hope the grey, both in the city and in your heart, leave soon. I am so hopeful and excited about your upcoming cycle and I am sending you all the hope and positive energy I can find.

Take care sweetness and keep letting K care for you as well.


Next in Line said...

Funky town is no place to hang out. Getting out and going to Chinatown is way better. I hope everything gets easier. The top of the mountain is there. It is just under a cloud right now. All of a sudden the sun will shine out and you will realize that you are closer than you thought.