Friday, August 29, 2008

So Far, Zen

I'm OK, K is OK.  We are handling things with a sense of calm.  I cried my tears on Thursday all alone and by the time K came home, I just wanted to get on with it.  Whatever it was.
Although I 'could've' gone away to Montreal--I'm so glad I choose not to go because the trip would have just delayed the question of "what now" and I needed to be at home and with K.

I spent most of the day Friday in the house reading a book and listening to French music.  I'd made some amazing (if I do say so myself!) CD's of old and new French music.  We were supposed to be listening to these tunes all weekend with our friends and having a great time reliving good times and reminiscing about the old times.  That plan foiled, I cranked up the music and danced in the living room, at times with the cat, other times with K.  And I was happy.

Whatever is happening is going to happen.  I cannot control it.  There is no one to be angry with--I did everything I could.  I have treated my body, mind and soul like a temple throughout this entire process and I have done nothing wrong.  My body has NOT failed me.  It just simply isn't meant to happen right now.  For whatever reason.  I don't know.  It doesn't matter.  It just 'is'.  The sooner we accept that we will never know the 'why', the more peaceful our lives will be.

I'm glad that we only had a week.  And in that week, I had really only believed I was truly pregnant for one day with absoluteness.  It makes it easier.  I think since the first test came back--we were cautiously optimistic but realistic.  We knew the numbers were low and we are both very pragmatic.  This has made the news less of a blow because while we'd hoped things would turn, we also knew very well they might go the other way.  It's like I've had one foot in and one foot out--just waiting to know which way to go.  Now I know.

My faithful gay blog reader invited us over for dinner that night and it was exactly what I needed.  K hadn't been able to get me out of the house all day--not even to go to the gym!--so I showered and we walked up to his house.  It was a beautiful night, he made a lovely dinner and we while we were able to talk about everything that is happening and what we are going through, we were able to have other conversations that had nothing to do with all of this.  
He mentioned how Zen I was being which I needed to hear.  I thought perhaps I simply was choosing not to deal with it.  But he assured me there's a big difference between not dealing and accepting.  I suppose all those years in a Buddhist country have rubbed off on me.

The evening ended with perfection--raspberries and The Daily Show on TV.  We have no TV, did I mention that?  Nope, ours broke in January and we decided to just go without one.  I've never bought a TV my entire life...they have always just somehow come to I've been waiting for another one to come my way...but it's not happening!
K was totally smitten with his new flat screen, shining beacon of non-stop, time-wasting machinery and decided that she will use some of her bonus money and by God make us true Americans!
So, while we've missed the Olympics and the DNC, at least I won't miss the new season of "The Amazing Race", haha!

That's all for now.  I stopped the progesterone Thursday night, so the bloating is starting to decrease.  Blood testing will be tomorrow morning followed by meeting with Dr. VID for the dildo cam and Q & A.


Malea said...

It's good to have frends close by that can help you take your mind off things:) You guys can still catch the DNC in rebroadcast.It was great! For the first time in along time I feel our little gay world will become more pleasant with Obama/Biden in office.

Anonymous said...

What a great entry. You sound at peace.

You remind me again to keep everything in perspective. I shouldn't post so much when I'm in a state of anguish, but wait until I reach that calmer state.

Oooh - I can't wait for the next season of The Race! Sept. 28! They've already started scouting locations for their NEXT season. I love that show. Have you ever applied?

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you're feeling zen about this. Good luck with the blood tests.

Heidi said...

I am so proud of you for being zen about this. I know I never was, but wished I could be.

Love and hugs.