Sunday, August 31, 2008

Delayed Reaction

We had a massage, ate a great dinner, saw the excellent indie thriller "Tran.sibberian" and then the night went to hell.
You never know when the stress, the pressure, the weight of it all will hit you and how you will react.  Or not react.  There were hours spent alone, outside, in the middle of the night, processing the enormity of it all before finally coming back together again.  Feelings were hurt, but today the lesson seems to have been learned.  Today was better.

More blood.  My arms are starting to look like a heroin junkie.  I'm already thin.  I wonder what my co-workers, let alone strangers on the street, must think.
The numbers are still going down.  No D&C today.  But no blood either.  Hard to believe a week ago we were wishing for the blood to stop and now we are wishing for it flow.

How everything changes so quickly.

It is over almost before it began.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Up or Down? Down, Please.

This morning, Dr VID, due to my lack of spotting in the past couple of thinking I might be having a uterine based miscarriage rather than an ectopic/tubal pregnancy. 
He spent a lot of time up my hoo-ha with the dildo cam looking for a sac, but it's just so early and incredibly difficult to tell.
We decided the best plan of action would be to come in for a D&C tomorrow morning.  Wow, I never thought I'd be having my uterus scraped on a Sunday morning when I'd planned on going to the beach.  It's like a mini abortion and I never thought I'd be having that done.  It's not really like that, but yeah, it sorta, kinda, is all at the same time.

Can I tell you how weird it feels to be relieved?  That hopefully we can get this done quickly and it won't be a long, drawn-out and far more complicated process like an ectopic would have been?
He's even cautiously optimistic that if this works and my numbers go down--I'm free to go to Indonesia.  He doesn't need to see the numbers return to zero, just going down all next week.
Sweet Jesus.  Please go down numbers.

ETA:  Just got the numbers back from the blood draw--they are going down by themselves.  I am so happy.  Thank you body, thank you universe.  Change of plans:  Dr. VID is having me come back tomorrow morning and we'll do another blood test at 8am.  They will rush the results and I should know by 8:30.  If they are still going down by themselves--no D&C.  If not, I'm in for a 9am appointment.

Thinking positive and optimistically--We're taking our beach bag to the clinic and if the results are good, we're going to the beach.  And hopefully--next week we'll be on the beach in Bali. 
Because really, who doesn't need a freaking vacation after 8 months of TTC, getting pregnant and having a miscarriage?
I guess the universe wants me to go scuba diving after all.

Friday, August 29, 2008

So Far, Zen

I'm OK, K is OK.  We are handling things with a sense of calm.  I cried my tears on Thursday all alone and by the time K came home, I just wanted to get on with it.  Whatever it was.
Although I 'could've' gone away to Montreal--I'm so glad I choose not to go because the trip would have just delayed the question of "what now" and I needed to be at home and with K.

I spent most of the day Friday in the house reading a book and listening to French music.  I'd made some amazing (if I do say so myself!) CD's of old and new French music.  We were supposed to be listening to these tunes all weekend with our friends and having a great time reliving good times and reminiscing about the old times.  That plan foiled, I cranked up the music and danced in the living room, at times with the cat, other times with K.  And I was happy.

Whatever is happening is going to happen.  I cannot control it.  There is no one to be angry with--I did everything I could.  I have treated my body, mind and soul like a temple throughout this entire process and I have done nothing wrong.  My body has NOT failed me.  It just simply isn't meant to happen right now.  For whatever reason.  I don't know.  It doesn't matter.  It just 'is'.  The sooner we accept that we will never know the 'why', the more peaceful our lives will be.

I'm glad that we only had a week.  And in that week, I had really only believed I was truly pregnant for one day with absoluteness.  It makes it easier.  I think since the first test came back--we were cautiously optimistic but realistic.  We knew the numbers were low and we are both very pragmatic.  This has made the news less of a blow because while we'd hoped things would turn, we also knew very well they might go the other way.  It's like I've had one foot in and one foot out--just waiting to know which way to go.  Now I know.

My faithful gay blog reader invited us over for dinner that night and it was exactly what I needed.  K hadn't been able to get me out of the house all day--not even to go to the gym!--so I showered and we walked up to his house.  It was a beautiful night, he made a lovely dinner and we while we were able to talk about everything that is happening and what we are going through, we were able to have other conversations that had nothing to do with all of this.  
He mentioned how Zen I was being which I needed to hear.  I thought perhaps I simply was choosing not to deal with it.  But he assured me there's a big difference between not dealing and accepting.  I suppose all those years in a Buddhist country have rubbed off on me.

The evening ended with perfection--raspberries and The Daily Show on TV.  We have no TV, did I mention that?  Nope, ours broke in January and we decided to just go without one.  I've never bought a TV my entire life...they have always just somehow come to I've been waiting for another one to come my way...but it's not happening!
K was totally smitten with his new flat screen, shining beacon of non-stop, time-wasting machinery and decided that she will use some of her bonus money and by God make us true Americans!
So, while we've missed the Olympics and the DNC, at least I won't miss the new season of "The Amazing Race", haha!

That's all for now.  I stopped the progesterone Thursday night, so the bloating is starting to decrease.  Blood testing will be tomorrow morning followed by meeting with Dr. VID for the dildo cam and Q & A.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Let's Just Talk About the Bad

There's no double, double let alone triple. It's bad. RE thinks probably ectopic.
So, the flight to Montreal is canceled, the bag is unpacked.
I'm looking at a pile of stuff that I'd pre-packed for Bali and wondering when I'll unpack that. Because Dr. VID does not want me to go-he needs to monitor me.
So, that's pretty much it here. No weekend getaway, no vacation, no baby.

Oh, but I have a lot of baby-related stuff arriving on my doorstep any day now. Good times.

The only thought that keeps me sane is thinking, "I can get pregnant, but it was a bad egg. Who wants to raise a bad egg? Not me, I'm not cut out for that."
I'm old, I've got some bad eggs in there. I knew that going into this game. I know my chances of getting pregnant and I also know I've got a 30% chance of m/c. I know. But I'd hoped to be one of the others.

Let's hope there are some good eggs left for next time.
But if this is truly an ectopic, there's gonna be quite a wait for next time.
The waiting never ends, does it?

I have a conference call at 4pm that I have to get my head on for and hope that no one asks me anything. After that, you'll find me in bed reading, appropriately enough, "The Gravedigger's Daughter".

The Good, the Bad and the Stressful

Acupuncture yesterday went great! I love my needle-pokin' lady and she was so cute when I came in yesterday greeting me with "I cheated". What?? "I read your blog, congratulations!!!" Yes, everyone knows.
I felt really at peace and was able to do some awesome visualization and for the first time thought "I'm really pregnant".
To further this feeling, I did some retail "I'm really pregnant" therapy online purchasing a prenatal yoga DVD, a pilates when you're pregnant DVD, the Mayo book, wrist sea bands (for the ferry in Indonesia, car rides AND they help with morning sickness) and a morning sickness relief kit with ginger candies and who knows what else. Added bonus was that it was all free! K, because she is a rock star employee, gets little "you're a rock star" gifts from her company every few months which can be turned into Ama.zon certificates--so me being the rock star household manager, gets to spend them!
The sea bands and the kit will go on vacation with us. I figure we should be as prepared as possible in case it hits me.

Then my RE called and that feeling of, how do you say, "Chill the Fuck Out" which I felt I was doing, suddenly went away. He wanted me to come in for more bloodwork, make sure the #'s were doubling. OK, I agree. The spotting, combined with the low numbers has him very concerned that this could be an ectopic. Well Fuck. So, he is very concerned about me getting on a plane to Indonesia before we can do a scan (it will be too early to do one and tell) because if it is an ectopic, my tube could rupture in transit.
That's just great. Totally NOT chilling the fuck out anymore.

Of course, I've emailed the two international hospitals on Bali and they can do beta blood work on me, but get this--it takes a WEEK to get the results!! Anyway, they are equipped to deal with this kind of thing. And, there are a few land masses we fly over enroute where an emergency landing could happen if need be. How fast can a tube rupture? You have to feel a lot of pain first, right?
Seriously, I have no idea what to do at this point.
I'll get the blood work today and also next Tuesday and that will give us enough to make a decision.

I rode my bike up the East River this morning to the RE for the beta test and was able to get up, give blood and be back home all in 30 round trip. And I didn't have to bike on a single NY city street. It was awesome and I was feeling really good about the day.
Until I got home and K told called to tell me that she'd forgotten her passport.

As in she's somewhere in a Central Time Zone flying to Montreal tonight and her passport is here in NYC. Well Fuck me again. I called the airline, the TSA and the Canadian Embassy and border patrol customer service. No clear answers.
They might let her on with a copy of her passport/birth certificate (I could scan these and get them to her by email). Or they might not. And even if the airline lets her on, the Canadian border patrol could deny her entry, even if I have her passport there waiting for her.
There's just no way around this.

So, she's flying back to NYC and I'll go to Montreal to visit our friends for the weekend. It's been really hard coordinating all of this travel--6 weeks worth of trips including her business travel--so it's an honest mistake (especially because it's CANADA, I mean christ it's like it's another state...but it's not!).

It just sucks because I won't see her for another week when she will literally be home for a few hours before we fly to Bali. She was going to meet me in Tokyo, but she's coming home first. What a mess. If we even go to Bali. What a freaking mess.

Just waiting for those new beta numbers. I swear I walk around, saying "double double triple" in my head.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008


This is the state I'm in. Still pregnant, no doubt about it--but the numbers are still low. However, they have done exactly what they are supposed to be doing which is doubling every 48 hours. And, older women have much lowers numbers than younger ones. It's hard not to compare.

I've been spotting everyday, very light brown, which I've read is perfectly normal. But it is still scary.
There have been some 'pregnancy' symptoms which are reassuring:
in the mornings the need to eat NOW hits me full force. I've dry heaved twice in the morning, once on Sunday and once this morning. No nausea or vomiting whatsoever, just a gag and then I'm back to normal.
My energy is not lagging at all!
In fact, K had a hard time keeping up with me this weekend and she was flying in from Central time! So, that's great.
K is so excited but is taking my cue and not knowing whether to be excited or cautious or a crazy combination of both.
It's difficult and now she's gone again.

My travel plans are tricky with the testing b/c they want to see me again this Saturday and I leave Thursday for Montreal and won't be able to test again until I'm back in NYC on Tuesday, Sept. 2.
Then, I'll just have that test to go on before I leave for Indonesia three days later….

Perfect timing (1) I just got 2 free tickets to "Spring Awakening".
My due date is April 30th, so I'm going to take this as a good sign! (2) my BFF just called me to remind me most women just have the POAS to go by for 10 weeks until they have their first appointment so stop stressing about the numbers. They are doing what they should be doing.
She thinks it's great that I'm traveling so I can't have too many tests and keep obsessing about the numbers!
She's probably right.
She also told me to think positive and believe that I'm truly pregnant—the baby needs that positive energy.
So, here I go.
Hard to believe, but totally true.
The universe knew better than to keep me inside all winter with an infant and wants me to have the summer off!

PS—I just had my annual review today and it was great! More money, big bonus--all for the baby!

Saturday, August 23, 2008

We Did It!

We did it!  Yesterday, we were LEGALLY married in Santa Cruz, California!
You know what that means?  SHOTGUN WEDDING!!!

That's right kids, we're PREGNANT!!!
What an awesome day!!
Beta Test on Thursday was positive but numbers were low and so I took this test this morning...and we're still going!  I'm anxious to get the numbers back, but won't be back in NYC til Tuesday to do another beta.  You might say we are cautiously optimistic.  But for today, we are pregnant!
I would not be pregnant without all of the valuable information I received from the IVP.  I really believe that all of YOU got me pregnant this month when I ignored my RE's protocol and did it the proven IVP way.  Thank You!!!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Subborn Lil Thing

My body is stubborn. It knows what today is and it does not care that I am shoving pills up my HooHa. Oh progesterone, I thought you were supposed to delay my period, mai non? Apparently my body says "fuck you hooha pills, I'll bleed if I want to". Which is exactly what it did last month, on this exact day. In all honesty I've only just started spotted, there's no river of red going on around here, but it will come, oh yes it will.
But wait! There's more! My temperature shot UP 4 points this morning. I mean really, WTF??
It's way too late for implantation spotting, but I am baffled. I'm either 13 or 14 DPO. Don't really know to tell you the truth.
Yesterday I had the almost, but not quite PMS headache...and a small one today. That's not normal as it's usually for one day and it's full on, but never for 2 days. I have no idea.

This weekend we are going to a friend's big gay wedding in Carmel-by-the-Sea, CA. Don't you just love that name?!
I fly to meet K in SF tomorrow and we are going to test together on Friday morning. We actually even went out and BOUGHT a damn pregnancy test--the first one EVER--because I knew I wouldn't get my period with the progesterone and I'd have to test. I don't know if I'll have to do that or not now.
And now...I'm wondering if I should just go to get the blood test tomorrow morning so I can have some answers about all of the craziness.
I know the HPT's don't always catch it right at 14/15DPO and I'd really like to know if I can drink champagne at the wedding or not!

Regardless, I have IVF orientation training next Wednesday. It sounds like all kinds of fun learning how to pump up those needles and shoot oranges. Can't wait. I wanted to go ahead and schedule the class so that I wouldn't miss it in September and be delayed another month.
In fact, I'd hoped with a BFN this month, that I'd keep on with the progesterone to delay my period just enough that I'd be able to start as soon as I returned from Indonesia in late September. But it is looking like my body has other plans for me. I mean we're talking ONE DAY.
IVF starts on Day 2 monitoring and as it's going right now, I'll miss it by ONE DAY and have to wait until October.

Hopefully all of the flying will throw my body off and I'll stumble into the clinic jet-lagged and bleary eyed the day after my return.

Or I'm pregnant. Whatever. Seriously at this point, I'm just ready to get on a plane and have some fun with my baby. I cannot wait to get to California.

PS--I'm much, much better than Sunday/Monday! Thank you so much for all of your kind words. I don't know what I'd do without this community.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Yesterday was Rough

It started with my temp falling 3 points and I felt like I was aboard a lifeboat that had been pricked by a shark tooth in the middle of the ocean and was slowly sinking.
And then it got worse.

There’s a TTC group that meets twice a month at the NYC LGBT Center and I used to go to these meetings a lot in the beginning of my journey. The group also has a list serve where you can ask/answer questions. I was hoping it would be more of a support group, but it turned out to be more of an information gathering group—which is fine, but much harder to form meaningful relationships when everyone is a drop-in level. There were two women coming late last spring who were so overwhelmed and new to all of this and I gave them loads of information and referred them to my Fertility Center and my RE. I even saw them in the waiting room on their very first visit to Dr. VID and sat and talked with them awhile until they were called in. And then I never heard from them again. Until yesterday.
They posted a long response someone had asked on the list serve about ‘when do you know when to be aggressive?’
Turns out, they, at age 35, decided to be aggressive from the get go and are now 3 months pregnant.

When I read that it was like someone punched me in the stomach. I have handled every BFN with relative ease. “It’s not my time.” “I knew the timing was off.” Etc, etc. I think I’m holding up pretty well, all things considered and am in a good place about accepting fate. My life has been hard and spent waiting for something good to happen. This is hard and I’m pretty good at waiting. End of story.
But this news made me feel worse than 6 months of TTC and BFN’s.

I immediately felt so stupid that we’d been coasting along, trying to get pregnant without drugs, doing it au naturel (well as au naturel as one can get with assisted IUI’s). Why hadn’t we gotten more aggressive? Why didn’t we do IVF right from the beginning? What is wrong with us that we could possibly think we would be able to do this without extreme intervention? Why am I such an idiot?

K made me put on my running shoes and we went on a 2 hour walk down the river where she reminded me that we wanted to try to do this without drugs. Dr. VID thought I had a decent chance because my body was doing everything just as it should be. The girl who went right to IVF had many other issues going on that I didn’t and those issues pushed her and Dr. VID to get more aggressive from the beginning. We didn’t want to do IVF.
We didn’t???
We didn’t even want drugs???

It seems a million years away that thinking of where we were just seven months ago.

And it’s petty, but I’m jealous. I’m jealous that I sent them to my RE and they got pregnant and I’m not. I’m jealous, I’m mad, I’m angry.
None of these are pretty things and I know they will pass and really, I’m quite happy for the couple while still feeling jealous—if that’s possible.

I woke up at 4:30am this morning with an unsinkable feeling that I was on my way to IVF and why didn’t I just do that from the beginning?
So I broke all the rules and fixed myself at full caf latte because I am that convinced I am.not.pregnant.
This one hurts the worst.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Overheard on the Sidewalk

"Why won't you kiss me?"
"I will. I'm just afraid you'll hug me and hurt my tits and that scares me."

Young man passes us, looks sideways and tries his hardest not to laugh.

OMG, my tits hurt.  I had to tell everyone at brunch, "please don't hug me, my tits are killing me".

Could be the drugs.  Could be pregnant.  Only time will tell...five more days.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Lunch in Santa Cruz, CA?

I know there are some peeps out here in blogland that reside in Northern California.  If any of you are familiar with nice dining options in Santa Cruz, could you let me know?
I'm looking for a place for lunch next Friday.  Thanks!

Donor Drama

So....last month when I found out I was not pregnant, the first thing I did was go on a search for a new sperm donor. I found him and by 10am I had checked it off my list and headed to the gym.
K, at work, was fine by the choice--she generally trusts I'm making the right decision and just wants to hear the main points/highlights. It's not that she doesn't care about the details, she just hates the research and finding of the details and I love that shit. We had a great weekend together, even going so far as telling a few people that we were choosing a new donor and oh wasn't it great, joy joy.
By that Sunday night I had the novel idea that 'hey, why don't we sit down together and go over all of his information, 'audio interview, lengthy family history', you know. And once we did...all was not so rosy in donor land.

Let's just say in my haste to find something/someone to blame and solve my problem of not getting pregnant, I looked over some things because I wanted the new donor to be the one. And upon closer examination, he was not the one after all.
We then decided to have another look at our old guy, Seth (not his real name!). What was it about him that was making me want to switch? To my horror, I saw that we'd never even ordered his audio interview or baby photo?!? Was it not available then? I can't imagine how we overlooked these details other than that I was probably too cheap to spend the money on it back in February. Now...I want all the information and I'm willing to pay for it.
Well those two pieces of information paid off and won me back. We were staying with Seth. There was one more vial at the RE and 6 more on ice at CCB. Things felt good and I spent the next week secure in the knowledge that we had a donor both of us really wanted.

Later, I had a nice, long talk with the Doc and I questioned how does one know when to switch donors? Unfortunately with IUI's there's no clear data that shows switching donors increases the chances. You hear about the women who switched and got pregnant but you don't hear about the others who didn't. Plus, who is to say that they wouldn't have gotten pregnant regardless that cycle, maybe it was just their time? In short, no clear answers.
We talked about Seth's sperm, his counts, etc. He's had other pregnancies, his motility is good and the speed of his swimmers is excellent--but his counts are only average, or 'adequate' as my Doc put it gently.

But isn't that the Cryobank's fault for not given us more?? I seriously think they sell off the bare minimum because they have to guarantee 10 million. You want more? Buy another vial. We've always had the 10 million, but only as high as 16 million. That sounded great until I heard of others getting 22 million. WTF?? I feel so cheated. I've heard others here complain about the counts of their donors from CCB, so it just makes me wonder.....

If this IUI cycle doesn't work...we're not only on to IVF, but we have to find another donor. We discovered that stupidly, we'd bought 12 vials of
IUI ONLY and well...we may very well need IVF. The good news is that CCB will buy back the five remaining vials at 1/2 price. My stomach almost goes into convulsions thinking of the wasted money ($1400?? Gagging now...). I hate wasting money pretty much more than anything.
There was a beacon of hope on August 12th, because our donor was coming back ONE LAST TIME and he maybe he would give off some IVF quality swimmers. I'm not quite sure how that all works...but that's what they said. I called. No IVF swimmers and now our donor has retired.

If I'm not pregnant this month, we have to change donors one way or another. The thought of going through all of that again and wasting so much money makes me crazy.
But it is what it is. Right?

This is the last weekend that K and I are home for the next six weekends so I'm feeling a little pushed for time to get everything done in regards to traveling. We have two 4-day weekends and then it's off to Indonesia.
And now, to know that come Aug. 22, I may be on a new donor search as well...argh.

I can do this. I can do this.
You know what? I'll find someone even BETTER than our current donor. And all will be right with the world...

Thursday, August 14, 2008

One Week Down and Grateful

That was fast. I always find the first week is faster. Do you?

Fire Island was fantastic. There are no cars, no roads and it's such a peaceful and relaxing place. You walk off the ferry and feel an instant "Ahhhhhh." It was so good to see our friends and spend a couple of days at the beach. We had an amazing 'anniversary' weekend filled with love and laughter. We ate lobster rolls and took long walks on the beach. In the evenings we grilled out on the patio and ate under the stars--stars we never see in Manhattan and oh how I miss them. Late at night we'd go for ice cream and walk down to the beach to watch as the orange moon rose on the horizon.

They asked about the baby making plans and I obliged by telling them any and all details they wanted. Everyone is excited and very supportive, plus we were told many times how great we are together and what an amazing team we are.
I feel that way too and I'm glad others notice it.

Kate and I have been through a LOT in our 8 years together and it's so nice to know that through it all, we have developed a healthy, working relationship with one another filled with friendship, love, and much, much laughter. Marriage is hard, hard work and without all the years of working through things, I don't think we'd be handling the TTC process so well. I can't imagine doing this in the early years! This process has only brought us closer together. I can't even remember the last time we quarreled (small tiffs, yes; full blown fights, no).
For me, I try to focus on the amazing life we have right here, right now and not dwell too much on what we don't have or want. We have everything we need.

We both know that we are not in charge here. There's a higher power out there and we cannot control when we get pregnant. Ultimately, we hope to have a baby. It may be mine, it may be hers, it may be me carrying hers, it may be adopted but the end result will be that we have a child.
And if, just IF, we do not, life will go on. I have gone through nearly 40 years child-free (ouch I think I just sprained my finger typing that. Fuck. 40?) and while I'd really love to have children, I'm sure I can get through 40 more without one.
The more I remind myself that I am not in charge, the easier this process is. Letting go is a difficult thing for me to do and this has been the ultimate exercise in demonstrating my untapped strength.

We are really blessed to have such a wonderful life. I'm either pregnant right now or I'm not.
I really feel like I could be, but if not we're off to LLN (Land of Lots of Needles aka IVF).
Either way, I can handle it.
Having some amazing travels coming up helps a lot! This was a good time to plan a vacation!

Friday, August 8, 2008

Eight Years. 8.8.08

We've been together eight years today and what a great date it is today: 8.8.08
We were married on 6.5.04, so I feel lucky all around in the numbers department.
It's so hard to believe, it's gone by so fast.

Fridays we normally both work from home, which means I check email on my Crackberry while running errands and getting my hair done.  My stylist is 9 months pregnant and about to pop any day now, so I had her very swollen belly pushing into me for hours.  Later, I got to feel him kick and move around.  It was awesome and can only mean good luck, right?

Tonight we splurged for dinner and had the most delicious tasting menu.  When we arrived, K had even ordered flowers for the table and five luscious pink roses awaited me.  We'll spend the rest of the weekend at a friend's house here, reading, relaxing and soaking up some summer sun.

I love you so much baby, thanks for a great anniversary weekend.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

28 Million Boyz

There are 28 million sperm inside me in various life forms right now.  Some dead, others alive, some probably too stupid to swim forwards (they are men at the end of the day) and hopefully at least ONE going headfirst in the right direction and attacking ONE of my 4 or 5 eggs.  I mean please, boyz, it's much easier this month.  Get it right, ok?

Yesterday my good luck fertility charms came in the form of Olive and L Babypants whom I had the pleasure of eating a lovely sushi lunch with just hours before IUI #1 (nice to get sushi in one last time!).
They are both wonderful and it was great Olive could squeeze in a lunch during her time here in our fine city.
My nurse said all systems looked great and again expressed surprise at how well I responded to the Clo.mid.

I bought a pineapple on the way home and tried to eat some.  Now, I did this last month and it was all "Oh yum, pineapple.  How I love you.  Chomp, chomp"  That was before I found out that the deal with the pineapple is that you are supposed to leave the core in it!  WTF people????!!!!  Who eats pineapple with the core???  So now it's all, "Oh pineapple, yum, chomp, chomp, oh shit there's the core, Gag Gag."  The anticipation of when I will get the core has taken all of the fun out of pineapple eating.  Not Yummy.
Went to bed early with socks on feet.

This morning it was back to the clinic...with my lucky summer white pants on!  Yes, I figured it was probably the last day I was going to be able to wear them for awhile because soon the progesterone will bloat and distort my stomach and possibly make me cry about it.  But for today, they fit.
The sperm count today was even higher than yesterday and I still had lovely EWCV and a great looking cervix for IUI #2.  My sweet nurse insisted that "If you get pregnant this cycle, it's all you, it had nothing to do with us and I really hope this is it for you!"  Woo and Hoo.

Afterwards I headed to the office for a meeting with our CEO, followed by a 3-course lunch at a very expensive restaurant.  I admit that after lunch I wanted nothing more than to ditch my stupid white pants in the street and walk home naked.  Almost.
Seriously, I was starting to cramp up and I don't know if it was the ovulation pains or the IUI's or the tight pants or just too much food or a combination of everything, but it hurt!

By 5pm, I felt like a waddling, stuffed platypus making her way down the streets.  It hurt so much to walk that old ladies were passing me.  Slowly I made my way to my acupuncturist for some post IUI needle-lovin' who once again gushed that I am her poster child for a most excellent cycle on Cl.omid.

All this talk is making my head big and has me thinking that I might actually get pregnant.  It's a nice feeling and a dangerous feeling all at the same time.

Now I'm just chilling at home with the cats...waiting for the night to come and my love flies back home to me.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Always Advocate for Yourself

The conversation yesterday went something like this:

"I'd like to do the trigger shot myself so I could better time the IUI.  In fact, I want to do two IUI's."

"Our research has shown that one well-timed IUI is just as effective as two back to back IUI's"

"My research has shown that your one well-timed IUI isn't getting me pregnant, so let's try something new, shall we?"

And did I get those IUI's I wanted scheduled outside their 'normal' hours?  Damn right I did.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Full of Follies, Full of Hope--Day 13

And then there were five. I was told three times today that I'm an excellent responder to Cl.omid, so I'm allowing myself to feel hopeful this time around. Plus, I didn't have a single side effect with the hormones this month, despite the dosage being doubled--in fact I lost weight. I'm giving my workouts all the credit. If exercise can stave off depression, maybe it wards away the evil Clo.mid spirits, too.

I have 3 follicles on my right: 22, 20, 16 and 2 on my left: 18 and 13. I doubt the 13 will make it...but you never know. Lining looks great, a little thinner, but fine. The blood results showed I wasn't surging yet, so I felt confident about holding off on the trigger. Had I known the drugs were this good, I would've tried them sooner.

Based on the answers I got--thank you so much everyone--and going over my chart with my acupuncturist, we decided to go with 2 IUI's. She says my chart these last two months on the are the best she's ever seen for me, so again, I have lots of hope.

The bonus bundle of hope came tonight in the form EWCM. Always nice to see you.

The tricky part was the trigger shot. I usually have them do it at the clinic, but that didn't work for timing. I couldn't for the life of me figure out how to give myself a shot in the ass, so I called a friend and bless her heart--she agreed, even though she's never given anyone an injection. My clinic has videos on their website on how to give any kind of injection, so we glued ourselves to the laptop until we felt confident we knew what we were doing. It was so nerve-wracking!! By 9:30pm, I was triggered and she was so awesome! It really does take a village!

And now: I have IUI #1 at 3pm Wed (18 hrs) and IUI #2 at 9am Thursday (36 hrs).

I don't know that I've ever had a cycle that I felt this good about. This is a very nice feeling.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Here's Where I Need (some of) Your Advice

Not that I don't love all of you and seriously I do. No really, let's talk about that for a minute:

I am so grateful for the abundance of well wishes that come my way. I have no idea who everyone is out there reading my crazy blog, but I'm astonished there are so many. Thank you for reading, for playing my silly travel trivia games, for listening to the mundane details of my life and for leaving encouraging comments when I write something you like or relate to. Thank You.

Right now, I've hit that point where (most of) my friends IRL aren't asking me anymore how it's going. I think they don't know what to say. One of my BFF's and I had dinner last week--she who accidentally got pregnant--and as I was telling her everything, she just looked so...I don't know, many parts of shock/guilt/uncomfortable. She is such a great friend to keep asking and patiently listening to all of the details, but she can't relate AT ALL.
But you can. So thank you for just being there.

I need some advice. I'd like to change things up this last IUI cycle. It's cycle #6. I took Cl.omid 100 mg Days 5-9 and am currently on Day 12. According to my blood and U/S follicle check (there were, gulp, FOUR), I could very well trigger tomorrow (Tuesday).
I have consistently done the trigger around 9am and the IUI at 11am/12pm the next day which is only 26-27 hours. Most everything says you'll ovulate within 24-36 hours after the maybe I need to do it more around 30-34 hours?
I know those frozen guys don't last long...
Also this month--just to change it up, why the hell not as it's the last shot before starting IVF...we're using two vials of our boyz. His counts have been 'adequate' between 10-14 million, but I need more than adequate this time. I haven't decided whether I should do two vials and one IUI or two IUI's....oh the uncertainty.
Depending on the timing, I may have to shoot myself in the ass. I am not looking forward to that, but I can do it.

Question: For those of you who used a trigger shot and did an IUI AND got pregnant, when did you trigger and when did you do the IUI?
How many IUI's did you do?