Happy (Early) New Year!

I'm going silent for a week, so I just wanted to say Happy New Year to everyone out there.

This year has been wonderful for some, difficult for others.  

I, personally, am so thankful for my internet 'support' group.  My best friend was asking me today, "what do you think you'd be doing if you weren't blogging?" and I replied, "slowly going crazy."

Seriously, blogging about this experience has been the best therapy ever.

I am in awe of the kindness of strangers and the friends I've made this past year.

We're all in this together.

If I could reach out and hug all of you, I would.

May 2009 bring everything you wish for!

PS--I have zero time now, but I'm totally doing Queerstork's Year in Review when I get back!!!

Hola, Cabo San Lucas!

The rules were: find something as cheap as possible, preferably leaving New Years Eve.

Mission Accomplished.

I Love Free Things.

In less than 37 hours (at, cough, 6am) I'll be on a plane to Baja California. In 40 hours K will be on a different plane. Then we will meet again. You see, we found an (almost) free vacation! I had enough miles in my Delta account for a free flight and she had enough miles in her Continental account. So, we can't fly together, but we land within an hour of each other (she got a later, direct flight, lucky her) and then we'll go spend a week at our free resort on the beach (compliments of K's hotel points).

Also, with K's oh-la-la elite hotel status, we've been upgraded to the club level which means free buffet breakfast every morning and free happy hour and appetizers from 5-7pm everyday. So, with our Christmas money ($900) we've rented a car for the week, decided to go diving a couple of times, do some kayaking and snorkeling in the Sea of Cortez and we'll take a boat out to go whale watching as it's the perfect season for the migration.

It would be great if we don't spend any of our 'own' money, but the food is really expensive in Cabo and we may want to splurge on a few meals, though I'm fine siting on a beach eating tacos til the end of time.
I'll only have to use three vacation days and it will be incredible to spend a week in the sun pretending that I'm not looking IVF straight on. We both wish our bodies were a bit more bikini ready, but it is what it is. Must remember to get bikini wax during lunch hour tomorrow or else we are going to have a SITC 'situation'!
Packing up tonight...cat sitter is staying at our house for the week..life is good.
My wife leaves me every week, but the payoff is good. We'll be in Mexico by early afternoon Wednesday and plan to spend the day on the beach and the evening dancing in the New Year!

Life is Indeed Very Good.The Vacations That Got Away: (if you're interested)

• Cancun--free flights with miles and free hotel, but...I hate Cancun. I love going further south, but Starwood has no properties outside of Cancun. Plus, I've been to the Yucatan 4 times already.
  
• St. Maarten/St. Martin--flights are super cheap right now $238 RT and K had a week's worth of hotel points. BUT no club floor at the hotel and everything is in Euro's = tres expensive.
• Aruba--flights are also $238 and we could have a free hotel for a week, but...it's Aruba. There are beautiful beaches, yeah, but there are all those casinos. I'm not a gambler.
• Skiing Out West--again amazing airfares, but my ski bum knee hasn't been properly conditioned and I've slacked off my PT exercises. I'm afraid if I pushed it I'd be hobbling around again. Plus, K needs new ski equipment and we would've only had 1 day to get everything. Lastly, trying to talk me into a cold weather vacation while I'm freezing at my mother-in-law's is not a good idea.

A Whole Lotta Damn's.

Home Again. Thank GOD.

I forgot just how damn cold my MIL's house is. She's like a popsicle, that one. I do love sitting in the living room with the fire going and everyone hanging out. Except this year. The wood got wet and all we got was a lousy DuraFlame which doesn't give out any damn heat. Did you know that?? I did not. And so, there was nowhere to go in the house except upstairs to our bedroom where we control the heat. Needless to say, I spent many hours under the covers sleeping, reading and spooning in order to stay alive. I'm sure I was tagged the anti-social daughter-in-law.

We got home on Saturday night and it is SO nice to be home again. Four days with family is really about 2 days too long for me. K's family is great, but if the weather is not cooperative (icy and/or rainy) there's nothing to do. I mean nothing. It starts to get a little Shining-like. Games are all fine and dandy but not if you're going to freeze to death playing them. I was beyond bored and so ready to go home by Christmas night.

I forgot to mention that I spoke to my mom on Christmas morning while I was crying in bed. One thing this past year has taught me is that my mom--despite the mother she was (or wasn't) while I was growing up--has changed. She will never be the mother I wish for, but she's doing a damn good job being there for me with this TTC journey.
At times like this, a mother's support is priceless. K's family is very supportive, but they are mostly happy alcoholic ostriches. They will hug you, but they don't want to talk about 'it' or hear about 'it' because then they have to confront that everything is not OK. I liken them to having their heads in the sand like an ostrich and when forced to face reality (you know, like, everyday) the solution is to drink! Which is why there is a strict starting time of a 5pm cocktail hour in their household.

So while I 'feel' their support around us, it's not like my mother who wants to know how I am and what's next and she's so sorry and how much she's praying for us. Just knowing that someone is not afraid to talk about 'it' means so much.
This TTC journey has taken so long that I think K's family has no idea what to say. I never dreamed I'd have a child by Christmas, but I thought I'd at least be pregnant. Hey, I know how old I am and I thought I was aiming realistically! Christmas was hard. Much harder than I ever thought it would be.

My clinic was closed over the holidays so there was no way to come in for Day 3 bloodwork. That's OK, it's too late for me to do an IVF cycle for Januaray anyway as they are solidly booked. AF was not herself (again) this month. She came a day late, but her visit was clotting and crampy and only lasted 2 days. This is not usual for me.
I can't believe I'm taking another break, but here we are: one month on, one month off since August.
It's good for my body to take a breather and clear out some of the drugs before we start pumping me full up again but damn I feel like I'm running out of time.

The miscarriage, combined with a failed/poor responder IVF cycle immediately following, has left me in a low-hope stage.
I had remained incredibly hopeful up until October. This past year has been difficult, but not nearly as hard as it could be. I have never been without hope that I can do this.
When I failed to respond to the IVF drugs, it hit me that IVF isn't the magic bullet. Yes, I have options and I am so damn lucky to have them, but none of the options will guarantee me a real live baby.
When I realized this is when I started losing hope. So I'm going into this next cycle trying my best to keep my head up and find that hope again.

This baby, in whatever form it takes, will come when it is ready to be here with us.
I just have to accept this and let it go.
I find this is much easier to do on a beach.

Eight is Enough

It's negative.
No, AF hasn't arrived and my temp hasn't dropped, but we did end up buying tests on Tuesday night and I used one this morning. Not even a ghost of a line.
I didn't even have any tears this morning. I just felt empty.
Hours later when I went downstairs for breakfast, K's older brother told me he was sorry and then it hit me.
Having no appetite, I returned upstairs, got under the covers and bawled my head off.
K came up with a cup of (real) coffee and held me while I cried.

An hour later, she came back up with a laptop and told me to plan a vacation. She'd take me wherever I wanted to go as long as she didn't have to be on a plane for over 10 hours.
This is a woman who knows how to get me out of my funk.
No, it doesn't solve anything, but hearing the words "travel" makes my heart go pitter pat.

I finally made it downstairs by noon for gift giving and pumpkin bread eating, followed by a long winter's walk through the woods.
My spirits have been lifted.

I am surrounded by people who love me; kind, wonderful, generous people. They feed me, give me space when I need it, and hug me when I'm down.
We are lucky and fortunate in so many ways. This is just a blip on my universe of life.
Yes, it's been 8 tries. Yes, it's been almost a year. Yes, it's getting harder. Yes, I should be 5 months pregnant now but that didn't happen.

I need to stay positive and I'm trying really hard to do that. The universe has thrown a lot of shit at me many times in life, but I've always come out on top.
We have a wonderful life and I need to keep things in perspective.

I believe there's an IVF train leaving the station in 2009. Can you ladies fit another passenger on board?

Merry Whatever!

Namesake

Remember this post and how hurt I was that these women never contacted me to tell me they got pregnant?
Well, they found me.
They were adamant that without my help, they would not be pregnant right now.
I met them for dinner and she gave me all of her leftover Follistim, PIO, needles, etc. They refused to let me pay for anything because "I had done them such a huge favor by giving them a crash course in TTC/IVF 101".
And--get this--they want to name their baby after me!
They don't know if they are having a boy or a girl..and my name is actually an old Irish male name but is commonly used for girls in the USA, so who knows!?!
I am seriously blown away by this!

Today is a much better day. I'm out of the house and in the office and I'll leave directly from here and take a train upstate.
I'm looking forward to being with K's family. They live far away from anything civilized in the mountains. With all of the snow they've been having, we're sure to have a white Christmas.
I've got all my ski gear with me and I'm sure the weekend will involve some snowshoeing, cross-country skiing and depending on if AF comes or not, some down-hill skiing, too.

All of your sweet comments over the last couple of days have really helped my spirits. I didn't buy any more tests and I'm not going to. I'm just going to hope for the best and wait.
The nearest store is over 1/2 hour away, so I'll have to want to POAS pretty bad if I go get a test!

Just a Few Reasons Why I Married Her

After making a very short list Saturday morning of "people I hope to never meet because they clearly have a stick up their ass", we managed to have a wonderful holiday weekend.

K got stuck in Vegas last week during the freaky snow storm and didn't get home until Friday.

She was supposed to leave town again Saturday morning which I was super bummed out about. But as luck would have it (for me!) weather in other parts of the country prevented the trip.

It's been a long, long time since I've had my wife all to myself, with no plans on a holiday weekend.  She didn't even have any work to do!!

We braved the cold Saturday and shopped outside in the Union Square holiday markets, making our way on foot to midtown where we looked at Ma.cy's windows.  Then we figured, we made it this far--why not go up to 5th Ave, Bryan.t Park and R.ockefeller Center? We walked up to see those lights, the tree and made it a total 'tourist in NYC night'--complete with burgers, fries and a shake at the this Joint inside the Le Parker Me.ridien.  After all that walking, we deserved it! 

It was great fun although we both forgot just how massive the crowds would be on the Saturday night before Christmas.

I love my wife.  When the tears came Sunday morning she reminded me of the very long list of things we have in our lives and how lucky we are.  We have so much and so many options.  She assured me that whether this baby comes from my body, her eggs or a far away country--that we would have a child.

She cooked me pancakes and kissed away my tears and spooned me on the couch while Christmas music played and candles glowed.

She is so sweet and kind and relentlessly positive no matter how doubtful I become.

This morning after staring at the pregnancy test that has been mocking me for days to pee on it, I gave in.  Yes, me, harper of 'don't test early!' broke down and POASed 3 days early.

It was clearly negative.  And with that, I decided to work from home and crawled back in bed with K.

I have not left the house.  I have not showered.  I have not gotten dressed and I'm still in my pj's and about to go back to bed until tomorrow.

I can't help but compare my chart over and over, every freaking day, to my 'successful BFP' chart in August.  This chart is so similar.  I tested on Day 26 that month and it was negative. And then I looked closer.  It's Day 26.  The only 2 months out of 8 tries I've ever tested early and they are both on the same day.

There's still hope.

But at this point, I don't think I'm buying another test.  I'll either get my period in a few days.  Or I won't.

She Won.

7 Wks.
She’s been avoiding my questions for 3 weeks now, but I knew. We share the same cycle. I knew when she was trying because it was the same time I was. I knew when she was testing. And yet, she kept being evasive “oh any time now” “my cycle is a little off”.

We went to a team lunch and she passed on the wine. We ordered sushi and she wouldn’t tell me which rolls she was ordering.
My boss is pregnant. She’s the same age as me, but she’s got fresh sperm. I love my wife and I love my life, but this past year has really made me wish I were straight. Or a lesbian with benefits. Or something.

She’s pregnant. I’m not.
There are SEVEN pregnant women in my office right now. I see swollen bellies and radiant faces every freaking day, but now I get to be around hers. All the time.
It was so hard to be happy and congratulatory to her. I’m sure she saw the cloud register on my face when she told me. And she didn’t tell me! I cornered her and asked her point blank and then she told me.
I thought it was pretty shitty that I’ve been so honest and truthful and upfront with her on everything—and I told her so. She asks questions—I answer. But she wasn’t as forthcoming with me.
I get it, she wasn’t sure, she wanted to be sure…she was going to tell me, she feels really bad. I know, I know.

This hurts. I knew it would be really hard if she got pregnant first. She hasn’t had to go through ANYthing. No drugs. No ultrasounds. No 10K spent on sperm. She just has sex in a fucking rent control apartment while I spend all my money on sperm that I can’t even enjoy in my overpriced market rent apartment.
I kind of hate her right now. She drinks coffee. All the time. She gave up nothing.

It’s snowing outside and I think I’m going to leave now, walk home and cry.

Please let me be pregnant.

Slave to the BBT

It goes something like this for 3 nights now:
"I have to pee, I have to pee."
Toss Turn Toss Turn.
"Don't get up to pee, it will disrupt your temp."
Toss Turn Toss Turn.
"I have to pee or else I'll never get back to sleep."
Toss Turn Toss Turn.
(By this time any cat that was asleep with me is long gone and K is in Vegas, so I'm disrupting no one but myself.)
"Maybe I should just take my temp now and then go pee. It must be almost time to wake up anyway."
Take temp in the dark. Beep goes off. Turn on the light.
5am.
Every freaking morning.
Go pee.
Go back to bed (and SLEEP).
Repeat temp at 7:30 and ponder the difference and which temp to use.

Um...I rarely get up in the middle of the night to pee. I even limited my fluid intake before bed last night.
I refuse to think too much about this. But you can if you feel so inclined.

Bits and Pieces

I’m still here, being a quiet blogger and keeping busy. It’s almost hard to believe a week has passed since the first IUI.

We had parties to go this weekend which made it feel festive and all holiday-like, which it really hasn’t until now. Saturday night K’s brother, a fabulous gay man who works in fashion, was having his annual soiree. It’s a beautiful get together but nerve-wracking figuring out what to wear when about 80% of the room works in fashion and 20% are just ridiculously fashionable. I was unsure the entire evening if I’d pulled off the outfit (that also concealed the bloat) until a gorgeous guy told me I could be a character on Sex in the City. That made my weekend!
There was another guy at the party, a good friend of the brother, which we would love to ask for some fresh stuff. Problem is that he’s a total slut. Damn. Too risky. So many beautiful, intelligent men all around us and all of them are too risky.

Sunday morning I went to the monthly TTC brunch hosted by Gia. It was lovely as usual and nice to see everyone, catch up and make new friends. I’m so glad there are a number of us in the NYC area that make these monthly brunches.
The afternoon/evening was for shopping and a cookie decorating party. I got most of my holiday shopping done—but along the way found a new coat for myself. Regular price $600. The price I paid? $92. How can you pass that up? The last black winter coat I bought was in Italy, February 2003 and while it’s still ‘fine’ I cannot express how tired and bored I am with this coat.

I have resisted buying new clothes for so long thinking, ‘but if I get pregnant’. This winter I’ve said screw it. I literally have not bought new winter clothes (except from Goodwill/Salvation Army) since….2002/2003…until now.

Why?
Winter 2003/2004—I spent in South East Asia
Winter 2004/2005—I spent in South East Asia
Winter 2005/2006—I was saving up money travel in South America and Central America.
Winter 2006/2007—Saving all my money in the baby fund in case we don’t have insurance coverage.
Winter 2007/2008—I was scheduled to TTC soon and why buy new clothes now when I could outgrow them so soon?
Winter 2008/2009—Even if I’m pregnant RIGHT NOW, I can wear my entire wardrobe for at least the 1st trimester so I’m buying some new clothes!!

So, I feel justified. It’s justifiable, right? I added a few new sweaters to the mix, and then cleaned out my closets of the stuff I never want to wear again, bagged it all up and gave it to the cleaning lady who was happy to have it. Everyone wins.

But enough about that. It’s either 5 or 6 DPO.
According to fertility friend I ovulated later than I ever have—which is Bad Bad News.
Day 12 Monday—Trigger 10pm
Day 13 Tuesday—IUI 3pm
Day 14 Wednesday—IUI 9am

How could I have ovulated on Day 15, Thursday?? Three days after the trigger??
If this is true, we missed it. Again. All that sperm wasted. All that bloat for nothing. I keep telling myself I forgot to take my temperature that morning and just recorded the previous morning’s temp. But I don’t really believe me. Because of course I was waking up to take that temp and see that spike. And I didn’t. I remember that. But I didn’t want to believe it. Couldn’t believe it. If I had fresh sperm this would not be a problem. With frozen? That 6-12 hour window is a big stretch. See for yourself. 9 Days til testing…and trying to keep the faith that I am pregnant until proven otherwise.

I would post my chart for you but Blogger won't let me.

Lucky Number 8!

Queerstork has been talking about the number 8 today and it’s got my head spinning…

Eight.

The year is 2008.
I got pregnant (barely) in Aug. (the 8^th month)
My 8-year anniversary to K was on 8.8.08.
And this is my 8^th IUI.
Plus the Chinese like the number 8, so that has to count for something.

There are two other bloggers out there besides Queerstork and myself who just completed their 8^th IUI and they already have BFP’s, so go say Congrats to this little lady and this one, too.
I have great hopes for this month with all of these BFP’s on the 8^th IUI.

But I’m as bloated as a street child with tape worms in a third world country. That’s never happened before.
K says I must be pregnant because I already look pregnant!

Happy Weekend Everyone!!

Hope is in the House!

All is good in the land of Puffer Hopes. Thank you everyone for your wonderful comments--they really made my day.
Between IUI #1 and IUI #2, I have over 36 million sperm swimming looking for 2 good eggs!
These are the best numbers we’ve EVER had and I gave a little shriek this morning seeing the numbers.
I LOVE our new Baby Daddy. Love Love Love Him.

I have to say that since we started doing back-to-back IUI’s, I no longer freak and fret about the timing. I know it’s also because I got pregnant with the first dual IUI’s, so that’s what sticks in my mind—it worked!
Regardless, having the stress of ‘timing’ lifted off my uterus has been golden. I am feeling really bloated and a little crampy this time. Usually I don’t feel much different, but I would love to be lying down right now instead of sitting upright at work with my pants unbuttoned.

Having K there for both of the inseminations was great and we did some visualization techniques afterwards just meditating on the different stages of conception and stages of pregnancy. It was so comforting and relaxing I felt like I was beaming when I came out of the room.

There’s a lot of pressure when 14DPO=Christmas Day.
We’ll be upstate and have decided that if it’s a positive we’ll just hang tight until the 29^th and then come in for a beta.
If it’s a negative and K isn’t staffed on a project, we’re jumping on a plane and going somewhere warm.

Queerstork and I saw the same fortuneteller and I can tell we are still thinking about her and the predictions.
For me, she told me my lucky number was 996. I have been trying like mad to see where that number could apply.
Well, 9 months pregnant would be a due date of September (9) 6.

*Cue eerie music*

Rough Start #8

I had been terribly anxious all weekend waiting for Monday morning to see what the Clomi.d was up to. I had high expectations as there were 4 great Clomi.d follicles in August. The bar was high.

Thankfully, K has a few days in between projects (she's done with the Midwest for now!) and was able to go to the RE with me.

I swear Dr. VID looked so surprised to see her. I don't think he's seen her since we came for our initial appointment last January. I wondered if he'd ever thought I was just using her for her fertility coverage--not a bad idea ladies--just find a type A work-a-holic lesbian employed at some schmancy firm with fertility coverage and work out a deal!

I mean, if they aren't going to let us legally marry, we should all be taking advantage of each other and domestic partnership coverage, right?

Anyway, lining is fine, not great, but he specifically said "if you don't get pregnant it's not because of your lining." So, that's that.

Two great big follicles smiled from the left ovary, but that was all. He could tell I was really disappointed and told me to please not think it's getting worse--that every cycle is different.

True. But when I didn't respond to the Follistim in October--I went to a place I'd not imagined this entire journey.

I lost hope. Oh sure, I put up a brave face for the rest of the cycle and got on with it, but it was the first time I felt hope slipping away and I've had a hard time finding hope in the way I had before.

IVF was the magic ticket. If that didn't work, what the hell else was there? It was like being given a gun without bullets and told to kill. I know that's a twisted way of looking at it, but that's where my mind goes.

Having K home with me today was the best because I was able to fall into bed and cry on her while my tears pooled in between her breasts. It's such a rare treat to have her around for these appointments and I felt myself releasing the frustration in a way I don't know if I'd have done by myself.

Two friends called me on Saturday to tell me that they had a dream I was was heavily pregnant. How random and strange and wonderful is that? And I feel some hope coming back in with my friends.

It comes from my acupuncturist who made a special appointment for me today so I could make the pre-IUI treatment. She is so good and so kind and I want to put her in my pocket and carry her around with me even though I am really getting tired of needles.

I'm tired of having a problem that requires needles.

"Be hopeful," she says, "you got pregnant. You can do this."

Yes, I did. I can. But I realized when I was sizing up the gay hairdresser doing my highlights this weekend how intense my envy of free, fresh sperm is right now.

I can keep doing this for a long while with fresh, free sperm.

Frozen? Not sure. Probably not much longer.

K--a needle phobe--gave me my trigger an hour ago and was a superstar. "Did the needle bother you baby?" "No, because I love you and want to help you."

So happy she's home. So much better to not go through this completely alone. Tomorrow, we go to IUI #1 at 3pm and IUI #2 Wednesday at 9am.

I have hope. I can do this.

ETA:
E2 level was 994 and LH was 6.2
15 is considering surging on your own.

When it Might be Time to Go Home

I just spent a good (what seemed like) 2 minutes trying to use my mobile phone as a mouse. Without noticing. For 2 minutes. And getting really frustrated that I couldn't get the damn thing to WORK.
Heh. Heh.

Going to eat Indian food tonight before seeing Slumdog Millionaire.
There's more India calling on the horizon, but I'll leave that for another post.

Go see Milk. It's excellent.

Do NOT watch 2 movies in one week about the Rwandan genocide while taking clomid or you will have movies about dead babies. But really, when IS a good time to watch a movie like this?
If you are so inclined as I am for a historical tearjerker, these movies were also excellent if thoroughly heart wrenching: Beyond the Gates and Sometime in April.

Clearing the Words

As I re-read yesterday's post and the subsequent comments, I realized that I misspoke or perhaps I don't know how to say what I'm trying to say.
I don't have a problem opening up to people and telling them things...especially on the internet.
There's a trust level that goes on here because we're all (most of us) going through the same thing.
Of course, there are always lurkers or the casual passerby who stumbled upon my blog because they were looking for ways to breed their fish, but for the most part--it's easy for me to open up online.
While it's marginally more difficult in person--I'm still an open book. I mean, I tell it like it is details and all. I don't have a problem with letting it all out.
The catch? It still doesn't mean I trust who I'm speaking with.
Is that possible? It seems to be hypocritical, even to me.

I think it comes down to work vs. my private life.
I have been royally screwed over multiple times in my worklife and as a result I don't trust anyone I work with. Even though I told my boss about TTC--I don't trust her. But I had to tell her something and it's been alright even though sometimes she'll mention something really loud about 'it' and I'll hiss at her. See? Can't trust her!

So, while I trust my friends--and Shindagrl I trust you 100%, I realized this today--I don't trust my co-workers.
That's what made it so hard yesterday. I like this woman. I could be going through what she's gone through. I want to trust her.
In fact, when she confided in me, my first thought was "the universe brought her to me because I'm going to be using an egg donor".
Laugh if you will, but when I had to give my aunt a shot in the stomach this past summer (even though this is a shot she takes every night and her own daughter was there) (why couldn't she do it?!) I had a moment of clarity where I thought "this is all happening because I will have to do this to myself." And I did.

I used to be less guarded at work, but I think past work experience and females in the workplace being back-stabbing bitches (especially in investment banking....) have caused a lot more fear of who I open up to.

Opening Up

If you interpreted my nightmare as something to do with me having trust issues; you'd be spot on.
My entire childhood was fraught with people hurting me and my little wall of distrust became bigger and bigger.
It didn't end there. No, it continued well on to my adulthood where I applied the same behaviors and choices I'd been surrounded by my entire life which led to disastrous results.
Somewhere along the way, in the midst of my tumultuous 20's, I changed my life. It didn't happen in a year or two, but slowly along the way I left behind all that I knew and learned a new way of living. I'm better at trusting (and forgiving) than I ever was before and the last 10 "new" living years of my life have been the best.

I'm feeling quite happy and at peace with my life right now, but I am feeling/have felt lack of support regarding the TTC process (not from all of you). I suppose this all comes out in the Clomares (thankfully I did not have one last night).

But despite me not trusting many people (if anyone--fully), there seem to be a lot of folks who trust me and tell me things they don't tell others.
I had lunch today with a new co-worker. She's been here 2 months and I 'thought' she might be pregnant but she was going to great lengths to hide her belly, so I left my suspicions in my head and simply observed her. I'm a great observer.

Yesterday she looked very much pregnant and after a meeting I asked her when she was due.
We ended up making a lunch date out of it...which led to her telling me all about baby-making process which has been a long, hard road for her. After failed IVF attempts, she and her husband made the decision to go with donor eggs and now she's pregnant with twin boys due the end of February.
She mentioned that I seemed to know a lot about the subject (she knows I'm gay) and innocently asked if we were thinking about it.
I froze. I don't trust her. I barely know her. I couldn't do it.
But she did it for me. And not only that, she opened up about work concerns as well. I mean, I've talked to her a total of 10 minutes before this lunch. She trusted me.

I don't know what that feels like, but I hope someday I find out.

Nightmare Dreamin'

Man, these Clomid nightmares are badass.  This is the same effect Clomid had on me in July, so if that's the only symptom I get out of this I can handle that.

But seriously:  

• My wife cheated on me and left me
  
• I had to move out
  
• All of my friends came by to help
  
• But they left the doors open
  
• My cats all escaped and got lost
  
• I tried in vain to find them and found every other cat but not them
  
• The moving van packed everything up, but left all of the baby stuff behind
  
• I recognized the baby stuff as my childhood things.
  

Another crazy thing about these Clomid dreams?  I remember them with such clarity as if I just woke up and it's now 15 hours later.  Very weird.

O Christmas Tree, No Christmas Tree

I don’t think we’ll put up a tree this year. If we were going to do it, we should’ve done it this past weekend and it just wasn’t a priority.
Usually, we have a big holiday party and the tree is up and all of the decorations. Everyone ooohs and aaahs and we like that.
Since Thanksgiving came late this year I feel we’re in a time crunch. Every weekend we looked to do a party (there are only 2 for us), we were already booked to go to someone else’s party.

I can’t do the tree and everything all by myself especially since all of the decorations are on the top shelf and I need an assistant. That assistant was home for 10 days, but is now back in the hinterlands of the Midwest, bravely working amongst the Republican right-wingers of Kansas.

Follow me here…I f I wait for her to come home so we can do it together that means we will only have 2 weeks to enjoy the décor before leaving to go upstate for the holiday week. PLUS—K is going to Vegas for work the week of the 15^th.
It just seems like a lot of work for too short of time.
There’s no bah humbug here, I feel quite festive about the season. I just think we should save our time and money and enjoy other people’s decorations this year.

Is that a crazy thought?

This is the End

Of NamBoHoMoBloMewhatever.

It's been a lot of blogging.  I hope you've enjoyed it.  I know I've entertained some of you because you've told me so and that makes me happy.  I love to make people laugh.

K promises someday she will do a guest blog post, but until then, you're stuck with just me;)

Back on the Baby Making Train

Everything is A-OK.

My FSH is 10, E2 is 45 and while that's much higher than I'd like either of those numbers to be...it's still OK and good to go.

I start the Clom.id on Monday CD5-9.

Here's hoping it will be as effective as the last time.

We've decided to do December Clo.mid.

If needed, we'll do one more Cl.omid in January IF it hasn't thinned out my lining too much.

After that, we'll try one more IVF cycle with the new estrogen priming protocol.

I think that will be it for me.

By this point it will be Springtime...and if I'm still not pregnant we move to the final plan:

K becomes my egg donor.  We're not sure our insurance will cover that so I'm going to check on that this week.

It's good to have a plan and it feels good for the break to be over.

She's Baaaacccckkkk

K and I both started our periods within hours of each other Thanksgiving morning.  It's nice to know we're in synch.

The red-head is totally normal this month and I'm so relieved.

Tomorrow morning, I go in for blood and U/S and we'll know by the afternoon if December we can get back on the baby-making train...

Bangkok Thanksgiving

One year ago we celebrated Thanksgiving in Bangkok.  We thought this would be our last bit "hurrah" of a holiday.  We thought we'd maybe be pregnant by now.  We were wrong.  We have learned a lot in this past year.  We will learn more in the next.  But...it has been an amazing year.  I've tried to make the most of every month and to take life as it comes.  I'm thankful for this blog community for helping me along the way.  And for my wife...who is always there for me.  

That meal looks a little different, huh?  Yes, those are leaves.  Yes, you eat them.  

Overly Ambitious

On the To Do List for Today:

1. Go to Dentist-have filling replaced
   
2. Drop off boots at Cobbler's
   
3. Brave the crowds at Tra.der Joes
   
4. Carry 30 lbs of groceries back home
   
5. Eat More Sushi
   
6. Do 5 loads of laundry
   
7. Conference Call (I'm 'working' from home today)
   
8. Check email and make sure there's nothing that can't wait until Monday
   
9. Pick up Dry Cleaning
   
10. Go to regular grocery store
    
11. Buy a case of cat food at pet store
    
12. Peel and chop 3 lbs of carrots for "Citrus Gl.azed Carrots"
    
13. Make 2 loaves of Pumpkin Bread
    
14. Peel 4 lbs of squash and 2 lbs of turnips for casserole
    
15. Peel and quarter 6 lbs of pears for "pear and blueberry cobbler with cornmeal biscuits"
    
16. Discover Pears are not ripe enough.  
17. Sulk.
18. Make Gingerbread instead
19. Go to Gym (K)
    
20. Listen to Pan.dora Radio while doing most of the above
    
21. Make Punjabi Chicken and Spinach for Dinner
    
22. Watch a movie
    

We're on #21 and it's 6:30pm....not bad for a day's work!

I'm thankful we work together as a team.

Milestones

It is one month to the day that I got sick—and I’m still suffering a bit from TNC (the never-ending cold).

But last night….for the first time in a month…I slept without a ‘cough sweet’ clinging to the roof of my mouth.
It was still there, tucked under my pillow ‘just in case’ when I woke up this morning (I can’t leave them on the night stand because the monster hones in on them and plays cat-as-hockey-player games in the dark of the night and all you hear is ping-rustle rustle-ping as he bounces them against the wall).
What I didn’t know is that K has been finding the wrappers all over the bed! Haha!

Vee and Jay, I know you are horrified right now—possibly beyond words—to learn that I’ve continued on with my deadly practice. But here I am—Alive!
I asked my mom about this ‘practice’ of mine and she said while she doesn’t do it ‘regularly’, she has done it.
So there you go: blame it on my mother!

Day 27: Finally called the RE about the spotting issue.....I know I should've done it earlier. But we talked and while he was concerned, he said that we'll do a day 3 U/S and bloodwork and go from there. He also said "since you had an irregular period, this may very well go hand in hand with that" which, yeah, is kind of what I was thinking. He says there's no cause for concern UNLESS this becomes a pattern with me. So, now....just waiting for the Old Red Head to make a visit...should be any day now...or not considering this month has been somewhat out of whack. Either way, I'm ready.

Hello Again Florida!

Good news today from the Sunshine State!

I'm not saying we're thinking about moving...but it's a nicer place for gays today.

ETA: I know this decision still has to go further and will be appealed but the fact that something positive is happening at all gives me hope.

Melty Point

Dear Mr. Deli Man:

Times are tough. You're lucky I'm still coming into your crappy deli because there's a better one 3 blocks further I prefer.
But when you give me a $7 tuna melt 'panini' and the cheap American cheese isn't even melted...that's not a panini, Mr. Deli Man--that's a half-assed job and it's not like you were even busy.

While I'm sure there are worse things than a non-melted, lukewarm panini I can't think of any right now because I'm starving and I want to eat my lunch.
But it's in the toaster oven getting hot.

Sincerely,
That girl who probably isn't going to come back any time soon.

ETA: The other deli doesn't give me free chips with my panini so I'm taking this as a sign the universe doesn't want me to eat potato chips.

Day 25 of the Break

This morning we met a group of 10 TTC NYC-area bloggers and had a great time talking to those we'd met before and getting to know new couples.  I can't believe how many people I've been able to meet from this blog.  These are couples I don't think we would've met otherwise in our busy lives and it's one more reason I'm so grateful for this blog community.  Thanks Gia, for helping to bring us all together face-to-face.

Braving the cold weather and the madness of SoHo on a Sunday afternoon, we spent the rest of the afternoon shopping--not an activity K is fond of and not one that either of us do very often if we can help it.  As a result, K has not bought jeans in about 3 years and it was TIME.

The economic downturn has had only a few upsides and shopping has been one of them.  NYC is not known for great customer service, but I've been noticing in both restaurants and retail shops...the staff seem to be 'nicer' and willing to go a bit further for a sale.

Not to mention the sales!  My god, the stores really want you to buy, buy, buy!  I've never seen anything like it before Thanksgiving.

My strategy was to shop around, try on, decide...but NOT buy it.  Then, we'd come back this weekend when surely it would be on sale (or even further on sale...) and then grab and dash!

This is huge for me, because I hate shopping the weekend after Thanksgiving...it's like a contact sport.

However, today K found a great pair of jeans that were already on sale...then they got us by offering free alternations.  When you are 5 ft. 2, that is a deal catcher, so we bought them.

We ended our weekend with Sushi Sunday which we try to do every week with a group of 8-10 girlfriends (and the occasional gay guy...). I'm fitting in all the raw fish I can eat this month!

The movie last night:  honestly the only reason we rented it is because a good friend of ours in the LA les film biz was involved in producing this film.  I would never tell her--and she doesn't read this blog--but I didn't really care for it.  It probably went over much better with a target audience of 20-somethings that are still angry.  

I'm not angry anymore...and I'm so happy about that.

This post is so boring.  Congratulations if you read this far.  I will try to be more exciting tomorrow.

Day 25 and I'm still spotting.  So weird.

So Relaxed...

We trekked out to this Korean spa today.  It was the second time for me, but the first for K.  

Whoa, so relaxing!  We both got Korean body scrubs and massages and while it wasn't as cheap as Bali, it was a bargain for NYC as this place is at the edge-of-nowhere, suburban Queens which required 3 trains and a free shuttle van.

If you don't mind getting naked with a bunch of Asian and Russian women--you'll love this place.

During the 5 hours we spent there, we sampled 5 different hot tubs and 10 different saunas, plus some quite decent Korean food.  There are more pools and tubs on the outdoor top floor of the building (there are 5 floors!) but we just couldn't get the courage to step outside in the freezing night air to get to the warm water.

This place is like nothing I've ever seen!

If you're in the NYC area and you aren't actively TTC, it's a great (warm) way to spend a cold day.

I'm glad I fit it into my month break.

Now we are back at home, drinking homemade hot chocolate and about to watch the Itt.y Bi.tty Ti.tty Committee.

Winter is for nesting...and K is home for a whole 10 days!!!!  It's like a staycation!

Christmas: Tag You're It!

Tagged by Two Girls and Their Family--who, by the way, just got a BFP last week so you really should go by and say "hi" as they are pretty new bloggers...

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Both + I've done the recyclable brown bags personally decorated. I'm also obsessive at gift Unwrapping time making sure no gift bags get thrown out--then I gather them up, take them home and use them the next year.
2. Real tree or Artificial? REAL and hideously Manhattan overpriced.
3. When do you put up the tree? Early December
4. When do you take the tree down? Hopefully before New Years but I was really lazy one year and it stayed up for an extra month. Then I didn't feel like hauling it down 4 flights of stairs and it 'looked' like it would fit through the window so I thought I'd just push it out of the window into the courtyard below. That didn't work out so well. Sawing was involved.
5. Do you like eggnog? Yum.
6. Favorite gift received as a child? My mom made me a dollhouse out of cardboard boxes and it was amazing. We were so poor and she would hand sew all of the clothes for my dolls, too. I didn't think much about it then, but looking back now--those gifts were amazing.
7. Hardest person to buy for? I don't 'love' shopping, so none of it is easy.
8. Easiest person to buy for? Me!
9. Do you have a nativity scene? Nope, but we have a Buddha and a Ganesh;)
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Definitely mail and I'm working on the labels this week.
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Pretty much anything from my FIL that isn't a check is bad. He has no taste and doesn't ever buy you what you want only what he wants.
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? The Sound of Music. I know, it hasn't nothing to do with Christmas, but I usually watch it at Christmas time.
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? I shop all year long when I see something and keep it in my Christmas pile. Then I shop from my Christmas pile and hopefully never set foot in a store after Thanksgiving. Or I shop online.
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Oh yes, indeed.
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? My mom's pfferneuse cookies which she makes and sends me every year. They are little spicy German cookies that resemble big kibbles of dog food.
16. Lights on the tree? White lights
17. Favorite Christmas song? I get sick of all of them pretty fast but I dig "Feliz Navi.dad" sung by José F.eliciano and the "Nutcr.acker" suite.
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Travel - upstate NY or to South East Asia.
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer's? Si.
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Neither. I think we tied a ribbon there last year.
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Both
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Over commercialization; never ending soundtrack of Christmas songs beginning right after Halloween.
23. Favorite ornament theme or color? I don't think I have one. I like variety.
24. Favorite meal for Christmas dinner? Turkey and stuffing and lots of sides!
25. What do you want for Christmas this year? Considering I'll be testing Dec. 24/25th, a BFP would be most excellent. Otherwise, Cash is King.

I tag the ladies at Babypants!