Something happened to me this week. I don't know what.
It's not good. I am not coping well and I'm feeling very fragile.
It seemed to happen so fast.
Chicken and I have talked. She is worried about me as I am not me.
I am loathe to admit I need help, but this time I'm admitting it.
My biggest fear is to tell someone how I really feel because then they will know that I am really a monster with horrible thoughts.
I guess that's why it's called depression. There is this big, black hole and I am sliding down the edges.
Chicken asked me if I would think about weaning because that would 'give me a break'. Right now my day revolves around pumping and breastfeeding. There are only small opportunities for breaks in between.
But I really don't want to stop. I am finding so much that is overwhelming right now, but when I feed these boys....life is good. It's easy to feed them one on one. It's the best part of my days. I know they love me and that I am making them happy at that moment. The other moments could be filled with tears and crying and whining and more crying and yes, smiles and laughter, too. But when I'm holding them in my arms and giving them comfort from my body, I am at peace. I don't want that taken away, even it if means I would finally get a 'day off'. Right now, I need that just as much as they do.
Today a new reader commented on this post I'd written years ago. It was actually perfect timing to read it over today. I found myself thinking, "well at least I can do better than my mom", but my god, the bar is LOW.
I long to have children that love me. I want them to have the best childhood memories, full of cuddles and kisses and TRUST. I had none of that. Surely I can do this. I must kiss them a hundred times a day. I want to hold them tight and protect them from everyone.
I feel like a train wreck. Everything was so good last weekend and had been for a long time. This week everything went to hell and I'm not handling life's curveball.
Motherhood is so very, very hard.
I don't know if I can blog about this. I'm feeling very raw and exposed just writing this much.
I've only got one shot to get this right.