Saturday, November 20, 2010


For Alicia--Try it again.

For Everyone Else--Thank you for your support.

I said a little prayer this morning when the crying started at 3:30am, then 4:30am and then they were up for the day at 5:30am.
Deep breath. Today is going to be a better day.

I have the names and numbers of two shrinks. The funny (not funny ha ha) thing is that when I thought about getting some help earlier this summer, I contacted a friend who sent me references. These were therapists who all specialized in PPD. I called 3 or 4 of them who were within reasonable commuting distance for me.
Not ONE of them ever called me back and I called some of them multiple times.
Right about this time, HN started and I was able to get some more sleep. The more sleep I had, the better I felt and soon I didn't feel like I was slipping down the slope at all.

The past 2 months we've been in a sleep regression. As in waking up at 4:30-5am. I nap when I can, but the accumulation is wearing on me.
I think this past week, with Grunter waking up super early (it's always Grunter) and Whoop Whoop crying all through his naps and not sleeping most of the time....something in me snapped. Because when I can't get enough sleep, simple things in life become oh-so-challenging. I never knew I would be so delicate from the effects of sleep deprivation, but I am.

It's Day 6 of the standing up in the crib. Whoop Whoop still hasn't figured out how to get down.
This is what I posted on the Twins Forum:

We have standing play toys he has been using for a couple of weeks, but he can't sit down at those either. Everyday we 'practice' with him, but he's just too scared to let go (both at the toys and at his crib).

The other afternoon I went in 15 times in their hour nap. He never stayed down, popped right by up by the time I got to the door and was crying again. Another time, I tried to let him CIO, thinking he's going to have to 'get it'. He cried for the hour standing up. Another time he almost fell asleep standing up at the rail but was still softly crying. I've stayed at the crib trying to rub his back and get him sleepy. Sometimes this works, other days it doesn't work. One afternoon I nursed him back to sleep.
Another morning, I tried to nurse him back to sleep--but it didn't work. Another morning I rubbed his back until he went back to sleep completely.

Sometimes he and his brother just stand in their cribs facing each other (the cribs are in an L shape) and yell/play/cry together and no one naps. Sometimes his brother lays down and sleeps through the entire thing.

So far, no answers. Just someone who offered me a pack n play to separate them. That doesn't help! We have no where to put it! (It was a nice offer, though)

Today, we have let W2 CIO for 30 minutes and then Chicken has gone in to rub his back until he goes to sleep. With me, he just lunges for my boobs. He does not sit / lay back down on his own. Ever.

To top it off, he woke up this morning coughing and sneezing with a runny nose.

Tonight, my wonderful wife is cooking me a filet mignon with a red wine mushroom sauce, mashed potatoes with leeks and sauteed spinach with garlic. She is the best. I am going to have a nice glass of wine on the side, skip my last pump and go to bed early (and hope my boobs make it through the night without clogging).

Tomorrow I will wake up (but hopefully not at 4:30am), breathe deep and say a little prayer before facing another day.

It's going to get better. It always does.

Thank you for blog-cheering me on.


Anonymous said...

I just saw this, so this is probably a bit late, but be sure to talk to the psychiatrist about anti-d meds that will allow you to possibly continue to pump, even if it is not at the rate/quantity that you are now. I work in mental health and I am no doc, but it seems that the bf-ing women we see are often on Zoloft as it seems to be the med that transfers through breastmilk the least (as far as SRIs go). Please don't feel like you have to give one up to have the other. You can still be the mommy and wife you want to be while still getting to nourish those beautiful boys the way you want. And even if you decide to wean them, happy mommies will make for happy babies. Best of luck to you. Much love to all four of you from deep in the heart of Texas!!! :o)

Schroedinger said...

Oh Puff,
I am so sorry you are feeling so low. I hope the the yummy dinner and early bedtime help you find the ground under your feet, but it does sound like this is bringing up more stuff than either of those things can fix.

Please let me know if I can help in any way.

xo k

Jessica said...

So challenging... I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I'm a twin mama but I don't stay home, and I know some weekends I'm grateful to have a few hour break. I can imagine that the nursing and staying at home make it hard to get a breath. So rewarding, but no break.

I have 15 month old twins and my daughter was able to learn to sit on her own, but my son could not figure out how to get down from standing. A friend suggested we try teaching him to kneel one leg and then sit instead of just plopping and that seemed to work - he was a little less anxious. May have just been lucky timing, but I thought I'd pass along the tip (if you haven't tried already...).

Hope he figures it out and you are able to get a little more sleep again soon.

Movie Gyrl said...

Enjoy your wine and delicious dinner cooked by Chicken. You so deserve the pampering :) As youve said it will get better. Im a long time reader of your blog and know that you are a fighter. You will conquer this tough time Super Mom. Hope the more sleep re- energizes you :)

K J and the kids said...

Oh yeah, you can breastfeed on zoloft. It's safe.
I just want to add, there will always sleep issues and colds and milestones and teething etc etc. until I've heard they are teenagers. at that point you stay awake waiting for them to come home :)
What I'm saying is that if you wait for this to pass...something else seems to always take it's place. I just want you to consider other options...that's all.
You have such a supportive and loving wife. I'm so glad you have each other.

Anonymous said...

I am cheering for you all the way from the left coast. I hope the dinner helps for tonight and the therapist soon after. We are all here for you and want you to be okay. You are a great mama and your boys are so lucky.

Pomegranate said...

so shitty for the therapists to just never call back. i hope you have better luck finding someone this time. enjoy your evening. take care of yourself!

anofferingoflove said...

Oh Puff ... I am thinking of you and wishing I could do something to help. I hope that the yummy dinner helped a bit and that you are to take whatever steps necessary to get back on track. ((()))

Jen said...

I concur... Zoloft is safe and chunk is a testament to it! I got it 11 months ago (in the recovery wing of birthing center) as I knew I was a strong candidate for PPD.

Next in Line said...

Puff if you were still feeling good after this much sleep deprivation, I would pretty much figure your body had been abducted by aliens.

It will get better. Whoop Whoop will learn to sit down.

I hope you can get some more breaks just to rest. It can only make you feel better even if it isn't the answer for everything.

Is there phone support for post partum? I know there is here. That might be easier than trying to get out and see someone.

Amy said...

I've been reading your blog for a while now, and I just wanted to send my good thoughts over. My boys are 5 months old, and for the past few weeks, one boy has been waking up constantly. If we let him cry he wakes his brother and I have two sobbing babies... All I know is every night I make it through is one night closer to the magical night when they sleep through.

I have no real advice, as my guys are smaller than yours, but it sounds like you're a wonderful mom. Keep up the good work, and blogging so I have something to reada at those 2 am nursings.

Marcia (123 blog) said...

It's never easy, is it?

Today the kids are being normal but I feel terrible so it's still not easy.

Thank goodness Chicken is there to nurture you :)

Anonymous said...

Sweetness, this sounds like hell. A therapist would be great, but don't waste your time with one who doesn't return calls. That doesn't bode well!

Also...may I gently suggest the babies go to bed later? No clue what time yours go down, but they are about the age ours were when they started needing less sleep and woke up early. They go to bed at 7:30 now and our days are back to a reasonable start time.

Keep breathing. I remember nine months as the time I was horribly upset a lot. Talk to someone, hug your kids, and hopefully when you reread this is six months it'll be loooong a part of the past.

Chris said...

I'm sorry you are having a hard time right now. I wish you lived closer so I could take the boys off your hands for a few hours and give you some time to yourself, right after I give you a huge hug.

It's good that you are going to go to a doctor. I can imagine it was a hard choice for you to make.

Are you still making yourself take time away from the boys while HN watches them? Make sure that you are. It doesn't make you a bad mother to need that time.

Keep in mind that not everyone is perfect, okay? Not everyone is a supermom. If they claim to be, they are lying. You are a strong person. You always have been. You will find your way thru this just like you have with all of your other trying times. I have faith in you.

Andrew and Brooks said...

On the meds for the boys....I swear by Hylands Homepathic for kids. You can order their kids kit on Amazon. They have a Vit. C-plus stuff for fighting sickness, things for teething, fevers, cough etc! I pop those the second something shows up and my son responds really well and seems to heal quickly. Works on all the things that Tylenol can't and other meds they are too young for.

Hope that dinner is/was amazing!

Anyway, you could hire HN for a 3-4 hours a couple times this week to get some more sleep during the day? Or is there a little "Mother's Day out" program nearby that isn't a fortune? I remember my mom taking my siblings 1 or 2x per wk for about 3hrs to a local church and getting a much needed break.

Hope everyone starts feeling better soon!