This is the End

Of NamBoHoMoBloMewhatever.

It's been a lot of blogging.  I hope you've enjoyed it.  I know I've entertained some of you because you've told me so and that makes me happy.  I love to make people laugh.

K promises someday she will do a guest blog post, but until then, you're stuck with just me;)

Back on the Baby Making Train

Everything is A-OK.

My FSH is 10, E2 is 45 and while that's much higher than I'd like either of those numbers to be...it's still OK and good to go.

I start the Clom.id on Monday CD5-9.

Here's hoping it will be as effective as the last time.

We've decided to do December Clo.mid.

If needed, we'll do one more Cl.omid in January IF it hasn't thinned out my lining too much.

After that, we'll try one more IVF cycle with the new estrogen priming protocol.

I think that will be it for me.

By this point it will be Springtime...and if I'm still not pregnant we move to the final plan:

K becomes my egg donor.  We're not sure our insurance will cover that so I'm going to check on that this week.

It's good to have a plan and it feels good for the break to be over.

She's Baaaacccckkkk

K and I both started our periods within hours of each other Thanksgiving morning.  It's nice to know we're in synch.

The red-head is totally normal this month and I'm so relieved.

Tomorrow morning, I go in for blood and U/S and we'll know by the afternoon if December we can get back on the baby-making train...

Bangkok Thanksgiving

One year ago we celebrated Thanksgiving in Bangkok.  We thought this would be our last bit "hurrah" of a holiday.  We thought we'd maybe be pregnant by now.  We were wrong.  We have learned a lot in this past year.  We will learn more in the next.  But...it has been an amazing year.  I've tried to make the most of every month and to take life as it comes.  I'm thankful for this blog community for helping me along the way.  And for my wife...who is always there for me.  

That meal looks a little different, huh?  Yes, those are leaves.  Yes, you eat them.  

Overly Ambitious

On the To Do List for Today:

1. Go to Dentist-have filling replaced
   
2. Drop off boots at Cobbler's
   
3. Brave the crowds at Tra.der Joes
   
4. Carry 30 lbs of groceries back home
   
5. Eat More Sushi
   
6. Do 5 loads of laundry
   
7. Conference Call (I'm 'working' from home today)
   
8. Check email and make sure there's nothing that can't wait until Monday
   
9. Pick up Dry Cleaning
   
10. Go to regular grocery store
    
11. Buy a case of cat food at pet store
    
12. Peel and chop 3 lbs of carrots for "Citrus Gl.azed Carrots"
    
13. Make 2 loaves of Pumpkin Bread
    
14. Peel 4 lbs of squash and 2 lbs of turnips for casserole
    
15. Peel and quarter 6 lbs of pears for "pear and blueberry cobbler with cornmeal biscuits"
    
16. Discover Pears are not ripe enough.  
17. Sulk.
18. Make Gingerbread instead
19. Go to Gym (K)
    
20. Listen to Pan.dora Radio while doing most of the above
    
21. Make Punjabi Chicken and Spinach for Dinner
    
22. Watch a movie
    

We're on #21 and it's 6:30pm....not bad for a day's work!

I'm thankful we work together as a team.

Milestones

It is one month to the day that I got sick—and I’m still suffering a bit from TNC (the never-ending cold).

But last night….for the first time in a month…I slept without a ‘cough sweet’ clinging to the roof of my mouth.
It was still there, tucked under my pillow ‘just in case’ when I woke up this morning (I can’t leave them on the night stand because the monster hones in on them and plays cat-as-hockey-player games in the dark of the night and all you hear is ping-rustle rustle-ping as he bounces them against the wall).
What I didn’t know is that K has been finding the wrappers all over the bed! Haha!

Vee and Jay, I know you are horrified right now—possibly beyond words—to learn that I’ve continued on with my deadly practice. But here I am—Alive!
I asked my mom about this ‘practice’ of mine and she said while she doesn’t do it ‘regularly’, she has done it.
So there you go: blame it on my mother!

Day 27: Finally called the RE about the spotting issue.....I know I should've done it earlier. But we talked and while he was concerned, he said that we'll do a day 3 U/S and bloodwork and go from there. He also said "since you had an irregular period, this may very well go hand in hand with that" which, yeah, is kind of what I was thinking. He says there's no cause for concern UNLESS this becomes a pattern with me. So, now....just waiting for the Old Red Head to make a visit...should be any day now...or not considering this month has been somewhat out of whack. Either way, I'm ready.

Hello Again Florida!

Good news today from the Sunshine State!

I'm not saying we're thinking about moving...but it's a nicer place for gays today.

ETA: I know this decision still has to go further and will be appealed but the fact that something positive is happening at all gives me hope.

Melty Point

Dear Mr. Deli Man:

Times are tough. You're lucky I'm still coming into your crappy deli because there's a better one 3 blocks further I prefer.
But when you give me a $7 tuna melt 'panini' and the cheap American cheese isn't even melted...that's not a panini, Mr. Deli Man--that's a half-assed job and it's not like you were even busy.

While I'm sure there are worse things than a non-melted, lukewarm panini I can't think of any right now because I'm starving and I want to eat my lunch.
But it's in the toaster oven getting hot.

Sincerely,
That girl who probably isn't going to come back any time soon.

ETA: The other deli doesn't give me free chips with my panini so I'm taking this as a sign the universe doesn't want me to eat potato chips.

Day 25 of the Break

This morning we met a group of 10 TTC NYC-area bloggers and had a great time talking to those we'd met before and getting to know new couples.  I can't believe how many people I've been able to meet from this blog.  These are couples I don't think we would've met otherwise in our busy lives and it's one more reason I'm so grateful for this blog community.  Thanks Gia, for helping to bring us all together face-to-face.

Braving the cold weather and the madness of SoHo on a Sunday afternoon, we spent the rest of the afternoon shopping--not an activity K is fond of and not one that either of us do very often if we can help it.  As a result, K has not bought jeans in about 3 years and it was TIME.

The economic downturn has had only a few upsides and shopping has been one of them.  NYC is not known for great customer service, but I've been noticing in both restaurants and retail shops...the staff seem to be 'nicer' and willing to go a bit further for a sale.

Not to mention the sales!  My god, the stores really want you to buy, buy, buy!  I've never seen anything like it before Thanksgiving.

My strategy was to shop around, try on, decide...but NOT buy it.  Then, we'd come back this weekend when surely it would be on sale (or even further on sale...) and then grab and dash!

This is huge for me, because I hate shopping the weekend after Thanksgiving...it's like a contact sport.

However, today K found a great pair of jeans that were already on sale...then they got us by offering free alternations.  When you are 5 ft. 2, that is a deal catcher, so we bought them.

We ended our weekend with Sushi Sunday which we try to do every week with a group of 8-10 girlfriends (and the occasional gay guy...). I'm fitting in all the raw fish I can eat this month!

The movie last night:  honestly the only reason we rented it is because a good friend of ours in the LA les film biz was involved in producing this film.  I would never tell her--and she doesn't read this blog--but I didn't really care for it.  It probably went over much better with a target audience of 20-somethings that are still angry.  

I'm not angry anymore...and I'm so happy about that.

This post is so boring.  Congratulations if you read this far.  I will try to be more exciting tomorrow.

Day 25 and I'm still spotting.  So weird.

So Relaxed...

We trekked out to this Korean spa today.  It was the second time for me, but the first for K.  

Whoa, so relaxing!  We both got Korean body scrubs and massages and while it wasn't as cheap as Bali, it was a bargain for NYC as this place is at the edge-of-nowhere, suburban Queens which required 3 trains and a free shuttle van.

If you don't mind getting naked with a bunch of Asian and Russian women--you'll love this place.

During the 5 hours we spent there, we sampled 5 different hot tubs and 10 different saunas, plus some quite decent Korean food.  There are more pools and tubs on the outdoor top floor of the building (there are 5 floors!) but we just couldn't get the courage to step outside in the freezing night air to get to the warm water.

This place is like nothing I've ever seen!

If you're in the NYC area and you aren't actively TTC, it's a great (warm) way to spend a cold day.

I'm glad I fit it into my month break.

Now we are back at home, drinking homemade hot chocolate and about to watch the Itt.y Bi.tty Ti.tty Committee.

Winter is for nesting...and K is home for a whole 10 days!!!!  It's like a staycation!

Christmas: Tag You're It!

Tagged by Two Girls and Their Family--who, by the way, just got a BFP last week so you really should go by and say "hi" as they are pretty new bloggers...

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Both + I've done the recyclable brown bags personally decorated. I'm also obsessive at gift Unwrapping time making sure no gift bags get thrown out--then I gather them up, take them home and use them the next year.
2. Real tree or Artificial? REAL and hideously Manhattan overpriced.
3. When do you put up the tree? Early December
4. When do you take the tree down? Hopefully before New Years but I was really lazy one year and it stayed up for an extra month. Then I didn't feel like hauling it down 4 flights of stairs and it 'looked' like it would fit through the window so I thought I'd just push it out of the window into the courtyard below. That didn't work out so well. Sawing was involved.
5. Do you like eggnog? Yum.
6. Favorite gift received as a child? My mom made me a dollhouse out of cardboard boxes and it was amazing. We were so poor and she would hand sew all of the clothes for my dolls, too. I didn't think much about it then, but looking back now--those gifts were amazing.
7. Hardest person to buy for? I don't 'love' shopping, so none of it is easy.
8. Easiest person to buy for? Me!
9. Do you have a nativity scene? Nope, but we have a Buddha and a Ganesh;)
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Definitely mail and I'm working on the labels this week.
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Pretty much anything from my FIL that isn't a check is bad. He has no taste and doesn't ever buy you what you want only what he wants.
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? The Sound of Music. I know, it hasn't nothing to do with Christmas, but I usually watch it at Christmas time.
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? I shop all year long when I see something and keep it in my Christmas pile. Then I shop from my Christmas pile and hopefully never set foot in a store after Thanksgiving. Or I shop online.
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Oh yes, indeed.
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? My mom's pfferneuse cookies which she makes and sends me every year. They are little spicy German cookies that resemble big kibbles of dog food.
16. Lights on the tree? White lights
17. Favorite Christmas song? I get sick of all of them pretty fast but I dig "Feliz Navi.dad" sung by José F.eliciano and the "Nutcr.acker" suite.
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Travel - upstate NY or to South East Asia.
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer's? Si.
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Neither. I think we tied a ribbon there last year.
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Both
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Over commercialization; never ending soundtrack of Christmas songs beginning right after Halloween.
23. Favorite ornament theme or color? I don't think I have one. I like variety.
24. Favorite meal for Christmas dinner? Turkey and stuffing and lots of sides!
25. What do you want for Christmas this year? Considering I'll be testing Dec. 24/25th, a BFP would be most excellent. Otherwise, Cash is King.

I tag the ladies at Babypants!

Translator Needed

Can someone please tell me how to say:  "Please do not feed the cats treats all day.  It makes them vomit and gives them diarrhea."

Oh, in Chinese.

That's all I got today.  A clean house--except for the cat vomit.

Bullets Because I'm Tired

Training Day

• The training course yesterday was challenging to say the least.
• I had to learn a 2-week course of HTML in 7 hours.
• There were only 3 of us in the class and the other 2 had taken an HTML class before.
• I am not a techie at ALL.
• Right about 1pm I thought I might burst into tears from frustration.
• I did not.
• I don't do well with being in last place.
• I'm still exhausted.

What is This Reddish Stuff?

• It's sporadically in my CM and when I use the loo since Day 19.
• I ovulated on Day 17.
• There's no way I could be starting my period.
• It's now Day 21.
• Internet says "mid-cycle spotting is normal".
• Not normal for me.
• Acupuncturist gave me herbs to warm my qi.
• I'm running cold these days (and my temps prove it).
• Let me say it one more time: It was a good month to take a break.

Who's Moving to Florida?

• Not us.
• Thanks for all of your comments--they sent me to reality check land.
• We will continue to visit relatives for the free sun and sand.
• I am trying to embrace the freezing--whoops, brisk!--wind on my walk to work and back.

On Bars and Lesbians

• I like lesbians--obviously--I married one.
• I have a great group of lesbian friends and I really like hanging out with them.
• But not at bars.
• I don't put myself in a box that says "lesbian" on the label because that's not 'who' I am.
• Lesbian bars make me very boxed in and uncomfortable.
• NYC bar flies seem to be like the popular clique in HS. They all look the same and act the same and have the same haircut.
• Over it.
• Glad to hear others don't "get it" either!
  

If you're interested in Irish history in the 1920's, I strongly recommend the movie, "The Wind That Sha.kes the Barley". Excellent film, even if I did have to turn on the subtitles to understand the thick Irish brogue.

Well, that turned into a long post after all.

I Just Don't Get It

Maybe it's because I started young--underage

Maybe it's because I worked in one for a couple of years

Maybe it's because I don't like the music

Maybe it's because some of the people scare me

Maybe it's because it feels segregated

Maybe it's because I'm married

Maybe it's because I'm older

Maybe it's because I don't get drunk

Maybe it's because I'm not looking

Maybe it's because I look straight

Maybe it's because the most discrimination I've ever faced for being not being "lesbian enough" has been inside a New York lesbian bar.

Say what you want about the south, but this never happened in Texas.

I'm so over lesbians and their bars.

Legal Questions and Other Rambling

It’s hard to go from 84 degrees in Florida to 34 degrees in NYC. This is how much both K and I hate winter: We went on a real estate tour yesterday thinking about where we would live if we were to move and what the legal ramifications would be.
We could buy a beautiful home—something impossible for us to do here—and I would not have to work and instead could take care of the baby (you know, in case we actually have one) for a couple of years. There would be a yard and the beach nearby and sunshine most of the year. And yes, the odd hurricane, but hey you can’t have everything.

If a lesbian couple were to do second parent adoption in say…New York State, but then move to Florida….does that make the adoption null and void?
Anyone know these answers without me calling a lawyer?

It looks like some of you who are doing NamBloHoMo are tag-teaming! I cry Foul!
It’s putting me behind in my commenting, but so far, I’ve written my post every single day—by myself!

Tonight: meeting a bunch of friends to attend the Lesbian mag party sponsored by G.O.! Should be fun except I’m exhausted from arriving back home last night and not getting enough sleep and I just found out I have an all-day training 9-5 tomorrow.
Good thing I’m ‘allowing’ myself a bit of caffeine in emergency moments such as tomorrow’s training…

One Missed Phone Call

I had the most perfect day with my girl today.  We had breakfast, drove to the beach, had a 3 mile beach walk, shopped for a new bikini for K (no small accomplishment to find one and we did!) had lunch outside...and shopped for shoes to bring to the Grams.

Who needs a phone?  Not me.  I've got my baby right here and all is right with the world.  If anyone calls I can call them back, right?  Wrong.

Imagine my surprise when I finally checked my voicemail on the way to the airport:

Hello [insert real name],

This is Gladys from Delta airlines in Melbourne.  If you could get to the airport around 3:30, we would love to put you in a cab to Orlando, for free, and fly you non-stop, first-class from Orlando to New York.  We hope you can make it.

Did I make it?  Why no, I did not and had another tight connection in the airport from hell also known as Hotlanta in which I almost missed my flight to NYC and was wedged in a middle seat.

Hmpf.

It pays to have elite flight status.  It pays even more when you are a true American who obsessively carries a mobile at all times.  Especially on flight days.

Damn!

PS--My temp totally spiked this morning!  In fact, it is the clearest temp spike I've ever seen on my chart.  Not so happy with the fact that I ovulated on Day 17 though...

Nothing a little Clo.mid can't help next month.

I Admit I'm a Bit Dim Sometimes

I surged 100% all day/night Day 15 and Day 16.
Today is Day 17 and there's no surge.
BUT, my temp did not spike this morning to show that I have ovulated as I expected it to.
Is this normal...if you ovulate 24-36 hours after the surge...?
This is confusing. I feel like it never gets any easier trying to figure it out.

I give up. I'm going to go eat ice cream instead.

Killing Frogs on the Highway

It wasn't supposed to be this way. I barely made my connection. K was not so lucky. They closed the gates right as she ran up (we were not on the same flight) and she was denied boarding.

She became that person who screams at the gate agent and almost gets security called on her. This is a woman who travels too much, has too many flight delays to deal with every week and she snapped. When she finally calmed down enough (she was told no one would help her until she stopped using profanity), they issued her a ticket to Orlando (an hour and 1/2 away) and I found myself driving at midnight to pick her up.

I was amazed at the amount of frogs hopping on the highway in the dark of the night. I had no choice; splat. I love frogs, I'm so sorry froggies.

Unfortunately she had so much work today she never got out of her p.j.'s until 5pm, so I held court at the pool by myself (Gram doesn't go outside in the sunshine--why is she in Florida???). Just me and the old ladies (who smoke--so gross!) doing leg lifts in the shallow end.

Got back to the house in time to see a bobcat prowling around on the back wall and later tonight, the space shuttle lifted off--rocket red skies at night.

Weather wise, I heart this place. I could live here with the warm sea breezes, curtains billowing in the wind, palm trees rustling. I love it. We love it.
Someday....we will be closer to the equator. Someday...

Well I Thought I Was....

Surging.  

But now that line is really dark.  Cool.

So I successfully avoided all bars, boys and booze last night only to now dodge the mile high club and a full moon.  Lord Help Me.

Off to Florida this afternoon.  Beaches!  Tennis!  Old people that eat dinner at 5:30!

I know over half the state thinks I'm some deviant form of Satan, but K's grandma loves her lesbians.

Twin Cycles-Boss Style

Did I ever tell you that story of how I finally had to tell my boss that we were TTC? Yeah, it was August, right before I got the BFP. I was so convinced that I was not + and was prepared to do IVF in October.
She had a lot of travel scheduled for me the same month and I told her I couldn't do it....and she asked why...and well, I had to tell her.
It has ended up being a really good thing. She has a son, 18 months old, is the same age as me, suffered an early miscarriage this summer while TTC #2 and we've been able to talk about a lot of things.
What I didn't realize is that we are on the same.exact.cycle. And did I mention she is TTC as well?
And that we are a 2-person team? If we get pregnant at the same time...oh dear.
I admit I'm jealous that she is the same age as me and tonight has access to fresh, free sperm.
I don't want it to feel like a contest...but it feels a little like a race.

Day 14. I've been temping, charting, peeing on sticks. I find it very reassuring that my body is doing exactly what it is supposed to be doing. My chart looks excellent, I've got EWCM, I'm surging and...I must be releasing intoxicating pheromones because last night FOUR guys blatantly hit on me as I was walking and 2 this morning on my way to work. They must smell my body is ripe for baby making...it's crazy. I have something they want and they have something I need. It would be so easy...except for that pesky lesbian business.

Sitting out a cycle has been relatively stress-free and easy. I've enjoyed it up until this day when I just want to get my hands on some sperm.

Wimpy Winter Wonderland

I can't say I hate Winter, but it's pretty damn close.

However, I do love certain winter sports--like downhill skiing.  

I didn't learn to ski until my early 30's when I went with K's family on an Italian ski vacation.  I've been hooked since that first trip down the mountain and have really enjoyed the annual ski holiday.  Last winter skiing in Tahoe, my face literally froze.  My goggles had to be peeled off my face.  Ouch.  

I don't know if I'll be pregnant this winter and if I'll be able to ski or not.

But Expensive Mountain Sports was having a gear sale and I can't put my life on hold b/c of TTC.

The ski mask and ski bunny hat have arrived.  You like?

I look a little bit like I'm going to rob the ski lodge, but damn I'm going to be warm the next time I'm up on that mountain.  I am ready to go!

Once Again Christianity Has F*cked Up My Life! F*ck You Prop 8 !

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/11/10/gay.marriage.protests.ap/index.html?eref=rss_us

This article makes me so angry.
I haven't blogged about Prop 8 as I'm still sorting out how I feel, what it means for me and my marriage and what I can personally do about it.
Either way when I told my wife that our marriage is now in legal limbo, she bent backwards and started doing the limbo.
You have nothing in this life if you lose your sense of humor--even about the truly spectacular, shitty stuff.

http://jointheimpact.com/

It figures that there are protests running amok the one weekend I will not be in NYC to attend.
I'll be in a state where at least 50% of the population clearly hates the gays. But only for 4 days. Then I'll be back in the blissful belly of NYC.

But you--yeah YOU--go march and yell and let them see that you are gay and you aren't going away.

You know what I'm most pissed about? The week before the election--Where were all of these gays who are now protesting in CA? Why weren't they out there at the rallies organizing to get the message out about Prop 8?
Too little, too late.

Either way, one more reason for me to despise the hateful Christians.
So, so ignorant.

Gorillas, Lemurs and Flamingos, Oh My!

Around midnight our brunch date cancelled on us and I was secretly overjoyed (I love you brunch date!) because it was supposed to be a beautiful day and I wanted to go to the zoo.

Bright and early we hopped on the bus and got ourselves up to the Bronx.

It was indeed a gorgeous fall day and we had the added bonus of being in a huge 'park' with brilliant turning leaves.

And what did we see? Besides ankle biters? Loads of animals! Here are my favorites:
Apparently I'm a bit of a monkey charmer, because this little guy, a Goeldi's marmoset (he would fit in your hand) couldn't take his eyes off of me. It was so bizarre! I would move from left to right and he would hop from branch to branch following me. Then we'd do it all over again. Sometimes, I'd hide behind the bamboo out of his vision and he would move in order to see me. I must've stayed there with him for a good 20 minutes and had his full attention. K was amazed. We went through the rest of the monkey house and on our way out stopped by again to see if it was just a fluke and nope, I charmed him again. Maybe I look like his handler? I could've stayed there all day!
The Madagascar exhibit was great! The lemurs are stinky but they sure are cute. This is another country high on our list of places to go...and they high scuba diving there, too! Lemur trekking in the jungle followed by spectacular diving? Sounds like our idea of a great holiday.

We didn't go into the Congo Gorilla exhibit last time we were here as it was brand new and mobbed. But today we saw over 12 of the 23 gorillas. They are so amazing--again I could have stayed there watching them for hours.

Looks like someone needs a pedicure....
These are for Heidi!
Loved that the peacocks just got to roam around at will.
A glimpse of the giraffes as we left...

We both forgot how many children are at the zoo--I think we only saw a few other couples who were sans kiddos. It was a lot of fun to watch them and listen to them all day. If going to the zoo is this much fun by ourselves, we are going to have a blast going with kids! On the other hand, we really enjoyed the opportunity to do what we wanted at the zoo. I know that once we have a child, she/he is not going to be patient enough to let mommy be a monkey charmer.

The day was topped off with afternoon tea at a fantastic tea shop in our neighborhood and tonight Sunday sushi with the girls.

Wonderful weekend--hope yours was too!

Roast Chicken Season

I thought I'd get a chance to wear that pretty dress tonight--the one I didn't get to show off at the wedding last week because I was sick.

We were supposed to go to a benefit dinner/dance tonight, but had held off buying the tickets as I was sickly.  Alas, they were sold out, so our friends will have to tell us how fabulous it was.

Instead, we saved ourselves some cash and decided to go get a massage instead.  One blissful hour later we poured out onto the city streets so relaxed we could have gone to bed.

But the evening was early and there was much cooking to be done.  We received the next-to-last of our farm share this past Thursday and tonight we put them to good use with a lovely roast chicken and vegetables--acorn squash, pumpkin, sweet potato, leeks, carrots, rutabagas and onions all topped with K's yummy chicken gravy.  What a fantastic dinner for a rainy Saturday night!

We've had an awesome day despite the gloomy weather.  It's been the first day I've felt somewhat 'normal' health-wise and it was just so nice to have the energy to get things DONE.

Very productive indeed and I'm looking forward to the sun shining tomorrow and getting outside.

Happy Saturday night!  We're going to put the TV to good use and watch a movie now.

Space Cadet

I was having trouble concentrating in a meeting this afternoon (no big surprise there) because I was remembering the cuteness that is this:

The Monster loves Thursday nights because it means play under the clean sheets--those are his feet in the air once I've tucked all four corners of the sheet in .  Yes, it means every single one of our fitted sheets have holes in them...but it's a small price to pay for this much fun.  

Chemical?

I just got back from acupuncture--she had 14 needles in my face that totally cleared up my sinuses.  I can breathe!!  Sweet Goddess of Needles!

After going through my temp chart and the TMI symptoms of AF this month...she's convinced I had a chemical pregnancy.

She's never seen Follist.im cause the 'things' that I had going on with AF and she has seen it with a chemical.  I was reassured it was a very good decision to take the month off.

So, tallying up the score here:

• TTC #3 May, probable chemical
  
• TTC #6 August, miscarriage
  
• TTC #7 October, probable chemical
  

Up until this point I've been able to get by on my youthful looks, but alas, my eggs are not fooled.  Chromosomal abnormalities are the biggest cause of early miscarriages and the older you are the more 'damaged eggs' you're carrying in your basket. 

On one hand--my body is really trying to get pregnant.

On the other hand--it's not quite getting me to a real live baby.

Next month, I'll be adding B6 to the mix along with the progesterone, a high protein diet and....I've been told I can have my decaf lattes!!!  Woo and Hoo.

Happy Days indeed. 

Save the Twins

I thought this month would be a break from Doctor's, but no.

Today I had my annual visit to the breast cancer center.

My family has a strong history of breast cancer.  My mother is a breast cancer survivor.  Her sister died of breast cancer in her late 30's and her daughter (my cousin) died of breast cancer in her early 30's.

I'd been putting off the exam for almost a year because the appointment proved to be difficult to schedule in between TWW (you can't do a mammogram if you might be pregnant).  I had to cancel a couple of appointments last winter and then kind of forgot about it...until my Doctor pretty much chewed my ass out for not making it priority.

As routine for the past nine years, I do a mammogram and an ultrasound as I am 'high risk'.  And of course, the later you wait to have a child (or never have one) you are at an even higher risk.

As a lay in the darkened room looking up at the ceiling tiles while the technician squirted goo on my breast and ran the handheld machine across my chest all sort of horrible thoughts went through my head.

Like:  Maybe this is why I had a miscarriage, because I have breast cancer.  

Or:  I guess it's best that I didn't get pregnant since I have breast cancer.  

Or this one:  I'll never get to have a child because I'll be going though radiation for the rest of my child bearing years.

I've known about my high risk for breast cancer for so long I've tried to remain nonchalant about my breasts.  I used to think that if I had to have a mastectomy that I'd be OK with that, after all, they are only fatty tissue.  I've tried so hard to be removed from the fact that they're MINE.  And I like them.  They are beautiful.  

They aren't perfect like my cousin's were--her surgeon cried when he had to remove them (I know this because my aunt was the anesthesiologist and was in the room the entire surgery) and declared they were the most beautiful breasts he'd ever seen.  Can you imagine?  

She was so beautiful, so young.  The worst thing--far worse than having a double mastectomy at age 33--was the fact that her daughter at 6 years old was witnessing her death.  This was the same exact age she was when her own mother died of the same exact disease.

I can't think of anything more painful than knowing you are going to die and also knowing exactly what your daughter is going to experience after your death because you already lived that life.

My twins are fine.  They found nothing, absolutely nothing.  For one more year, I can breathe a giant sigh of relief.

 

We are the Champions!

Take that "MY FRIENDS"!

Who am I kidding, of course I stayed awake to watch.

You know what was really cool?  Hearing my NYC neighborhood erupt in screams (this is with the windows closed) the exact moment they called it on the TV.

That was amazing!

I'm Not Watching....

I watched a little bit and found that I'd stuffed a couple of fingers in my mouth and they were being chewed by teeth...mine.

I don't bit nails.

I haven't been this excited/nervous since Clinton the first time around and I was lucky enough (old enough?) to help vote him in.  Say what you want about the guy, but if I were President and a hot intern offered...ahem...I don't know...  Power.   It gets to you.

Anyway, my staff sent me home from work yesterday and strongly suggested I go to the Doctor.

You know what the MD says?  I have a cold.  Yeah, I knew that.  No seriously, I have a really bad lingering cold with a possible sinus infection.  She wrote me an RX for antibiotics but would prefer that I not take them (me too) unless it gets worse.  The migraines are triggered by the sinus pressure...and I've found that as long as I don't talk to ANYONE all day long, I'm headache free!  Sounds fun, huh?  Meanwhile, more working from home for me.

I also told her about the fertility meds I'd been on--in particular the massive amounts of Follistim--and she agreed that it had probably weakened my immune system.

One more affirmation that I'm doing the right thing by taking a break.

Wake me up when we've won.

67 Hours

That's how long I've been in the house. Have you ever stayed in the house that long? I can't imagine being inside for so many days even after giving birth but I suppose it just happens.
The cats on the other hand, have been super happy to have someone to lay on 24/7.

I finally went to work this morning as I had a 10am meeting with my boss and guess who is calling in to the meeting? My boss (who still hasn't called...) I could've stayed at home.
Ah well.

I feel like this is the longest "non-flu" cold that I've ever had. I don't usually get sick and this has me down. However, I feel good about my decision to take the month off TTC as my body is obviously weakened and needs a rest.

Today is much better. I started taking some sinus meds that finally relieved the massive migraine pressure that called itself my head. If you suffer from migraines, you know what I'm talking about.

K ended up not getting home yesterday until quite late as she had to stick around and help her mother with car trouble. This meant I saw K for a total of 10 hours the entire weekend (not counting sleeping) and I am sorely missing her.

Oh and I guess I'm doing NamBloPoMoHoMo or whatever it is. But I'm not signing up.