Thursday, November 26, 2009

What a Difference a Year Can Make

There is so much I couldn't comprehend from last year to this. I was losing faith and going on overdrive, wondering what was the point anymore and feeling like it was never going to work. There were so many points I wondered if I would ever get and stay pregnant. I didn't--at least not like I thought I would--with my own eggs.
But life has a funny way of working out sometimes. Anytime I would discuss giving up and calling it quits, Chicken kept me going.

I'm lucky, I know that. I'm so thankful to have the opportunity to be pregnant. It's what I always wanted. I never thought it would take me 20 years to get here--but that was my life course. Twenty years is a long time to wait for something.
When I was trying to get pregnant and wondering if it would ever work, I was nervous about carrying someone else's eggs--even my partner's. I was worried a baby not genetically related to me would never really feel like mine, that I would always be just a surrogate.
But as soon as I got pregnant--I have never felt anything other than fiercely protective over MY babies, OUR babies. Whatever fear I had washed away the moment I saw that positive control line. Nothing else mattered.

There's too much pain out there in the land of TTC. Too many years trying, too much time lost, too much money spent, too many miscarriages, suffering, loss and grieving.
I want a successful pregnancy for all of you. I wish I could take away the pain, or pay your medical bills or even give you a few good eggs (of Chicken's--mine are crap). I can't.
But every post I read of another loss, another BFN, another dark day, makes me say a little prayer for you--to the universe, to the fertility goddess, to anyone who might be listening.

I know how hard this is and want you to know that. I haven't forgotten. I don't think I ever will.

9 comments:

anofferingoflove said...

Beautiful post. Happy Thanksgiving!

CD and SP said...

you do not, ever, forget. and it makes it all even more special and miraculous.

happy thanksgiving to you!

Rainbow Family (B and J) said...

What a thoughtful and kind post. Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and Happy Thanksgiving!

malinda said...

wonderful post!

Happy Thanksgiving to you and Chicken :)

poppycat.wordpress.com said...

Puffer,

I am thankful that you are in this place, you worked so hard to get here and I am glad you made it. I am also thankful for all your support over the past year. Happy thanksgiving you four!

tireegal68 said...

Nice one! Happy lots to be thankful for season:)

Anonymous said...

Hi Puffer and chicken and fishies,

allow me to de-lurk, i am Monika, 39 years, married,living in germany and ttcing for a very long time (if i wrote how long, i`d only get depressed, so i skip this part). I am following your blog for two months now and i love it! I was insecure about de-lurking (because i am straight and i was not sure if i was welcome), but today i have to write and thank you because your words really touched me deep and they came exacty in the right moment (one of those *twodaysbeforeAFmomentswhenualreadynowthattherewontbetwolinesonethepeestick-moments)so agian-thank you for giving me hope, strength and a smile today, smiles, Monika

tbean said...

Thanks for this Puff. It helps, really. A lot.

Caitlin Weaver said...

This brought a tear to my eye. I am so happy that your own little babies are finally on the way.